I Couldn't Remember What I Was So Angry About Anymore

-The Power of Words-

A careless word may kindle strife;

A cruel word may wreck a life.

A bitter word may hate instill;

A brutal word may smite and kill.

A gracious word may smooth the way;

A joyous word may light the day.

A timely word may lessen stress;

A loving word may heal and bless.

-Unknown

"But mine is a dark, dark sea."

*

I was sitting quietly next to him while Pars and his group were laughing at the table reserved for us. The ballroom was huge. Some of it was set for food and drinks, and the other as a dance floor. After everyone had fed enough and was tipsy, they started to play slow music. Pars and I were sitting in our seats while most people were taking their partner or one of their team to dance. "Soon there will be a fireworks," he said suddenly. Watching the dance floor, I turned my eyes to him. He was looking at me too. "Do you want to watch?"

I did not think. "Alright." As he was trying to get up from his chair, I got up before him and walked up the stairs to the roof. When I came to the front of the stairs, I involuntarily looked back. He was drunk. He could barely walk. My eyes shook my heart with unnecessary affection. I should have hated him.

When he got to the front of the stairs, I tried to hold him by the arm, keeping my body away from him. "You will fall." My voice sounded very calm to my ear.

"Hold me then." As I frowned at what he said, I squeezed his arm more and slowly began to climb up the stairs. After a few stumbles and I held him as if he was going to slip out of my hands, we were finally able to get to the roof. City lights lit up the night. Lights that pollute the dark.

When the fireworks started, I sat down excitedly and pulled Pars next to me. "Fuck! It's cold." While trying to stand up, I pulled his shirt and made him sit next to me. He was drunk and blinked in surprise. Finally, he gave up, leaned his head on my shoulder, and we continued to watch the colorful fireworks together. I couldn't remember what I was so angry about anymore.

We continued to watch the sky for a long time when the fireworks was over. His regular breathing was hitting my neck. He was asleep. I blinked my eyes involuntarily and repeatedly when I turned my head and looked at his peaceful face. He didn't seem real.

When I raised my hands in the air and took him into my arms with the power I had, I lifted his body slightly on my arms so that his body would not touch my skin. While he slept on my arms, unaware of everything, I slowly followed the path we came from. It was as if the ground was shaking wherever I stepped on it. My head was spinning. What an idiot I was, I did not know that I had such great affection for a man who treated me so badly.

When I reached the front of the house where we were staying, the camera system of the house recognized my face and opened the door wide. The moment we entered, as the door closed and locked behind us, I quietly climbed up to Pars's room and ran to my room as I left the body in my arms towards the middle of his bed.

After I shut the door firmly and locked it, I could no longer control my trembling legs. As I collapsed on the floor and leaned my back against the door, I closed my trembling hands to my face and tried to breathe. But I couldn't succeed.

No. No. No. No. No! The moment I stumbled into the bathroom, I got rid of everything above me and without thinking I went into the bathtub and slept in the cold white. My body was shaking and my eyes were struggling not to close. I was crying with my naked body lying in the fetal position, my hair covering part of my face, and my fisted hands. Why?

My eyes were closed.

*

Voices was coming from a distance. What sound is that?

Rain.

When I woke up with a start, I hugged my chilled body, and after getting up and coming out of the bathtub, I went to my room. I kept sneezing as I put on the thickest clothes I found in my closet. After getting dressed, I stretched down and looked around. Pars was nowhere to be found.

When I opened the outside door to look at the rain, I was surprised by the view I saw. He was sitting on the stairs at the entrance. He was soaked everywhere. I could see that he was shaking, albeit slightly.

When I slowly approached him and began to be under the rain, I sat down to his bottom and examined his face with curiosity. The raindrops that first met with his hair were later crossing his forehead, eyelashes, cheeks, and finally his lips to meet the ground. I was more surprised. I could hear him grunt as I took off my oversized sweater and swiftly passed it over his head. Fortunately, he did not resist too much. Finally, after pulling his sleeves through the sweater, I started to straighten it.

While I was pensively straightening the sweater, I pulled my hands and glanced at the final state of the sweater. "Okay," I said absently. "You won't feel cold anymore."

I was frozen. What was I doing?

I saw him smiling when I pulled my eyes out to his eyes in a timid manner. But it was a sarcastic smile.

His eyes grew dull and he frowned as his mocking eyes saw my undershirt. "Idiot." His voice sounded very cold.

Are you aware? Your voice is colder than this cold air.

"Come here," he said without looking at me.

"What?" My eyes widened when he opened the sweater from the bottom.

"You heard me. Get in." I swallowed. When I bowed my head and got in the sweater, he overwhelmed the neck of the sweater and we met eye to eye. Although the neck of the sweater was wide, we were still very close to each other.

My eyes were on his lips. My groin ached. I was out of breath. "Will you be content with looking from afar as you always do, or will you dare to get what you want, Reverie? Be brave, little girl."

Be brave. I felt startled when I pressed my hand in the sweater to his neck and brought our lips together. It's my turn to make you suffer, Sarehan.

I have been hungry for love for years. I was hungry for the truth. I couldn't even live my puberty. Not once had I attempted to please myself, and now I was kissing Pars Sarehan as if he belonged to me. Good job to me.

He was responding to my kiss, even though I thought he hated me. What was going on in his mind? Was he playing with me again? What was his purpose? "Stop thinking," he said with his lips on my lips. "Just know this," he was rubbing his lips against my lips. "I only do this because I like it. Not because I love you." I know.

"I know. Don't worry, you won't have to love me." He was looking at me in amazement when I came out of the sweater in a single move. I stood up slowly, staring at his eyes, which I had cared about them being full of sarcasm, and stood at the door for the last time before entering the house and took a deep breath. "I don't need you to love me, Pars. I don't love you anyway. And I will never love you." No, that wasn't true. Since the day I was born, I needed to be loved, but I had not seen love from anyone even once.

I didn't know if I loved him or not. Even if I loved him, I didn't even know what I did because I was always a stranger to the concept of love. I bravely lied to him and expressed that I would never love him, but I did not know what the future would bring to my heart or what it would take from my heart. Perhaps I would have been crushed under the words I said, but I didn't care. If I gave him what he wanted, he would ruin me.

Without even bothering to close the outside door of the house, I heard the loud closing of it after a few seconds when I went up to my room and locked the door. He was angry and had entered the house.

It was impossible not to notice the footsteps going upstairs and the shadow slipping under my door. At first, he waited at my door for a few seconds, I could have sworn that his shadow was getting bigger and darker at that moment, but I couldn't prove it. He then continued to his room with grumbles, after opening and closing the door firmly, disappeared with his shadow.

If he wanted to, he could stand in front of my door and use his power to force me to open the door, but he chose not to do that. Why?