The Haggis King (A modernized Riff of Shakespeare’s MacBeth)
A modern twist on the classic MacBeth, this three act play covers the series of unfortunate events that follow MacBob after he talked to three shady hippies about zodiacs and tarot cards at the Moor bar.
Act I
MacBob, assistant manager of Haggis Inc., is at the Moor bar and he is loaded. He ends up at the back table where three hippies are reading each other’s palms. They ask him his sign (Pisces) and tell him that he will be Executive, and later CEO of, Haggis Inc. He just has to avoid the “man of no haggis born” or some nonsense like that and he has to make sure he avoids snow trees(?) and he’ll be solid.
MacBob thinks they’re weird but he’s stoked to hear about his future promotions. He calls his wife and tells her all about it, still drunk. His wife is hella mad that he’s calling her while drunk but she listens anyway because she’s tolerant. She yells at him to get home immediately and sleep it off. He does.
A few days later, news arrives that the existing Executive was just fired for having an affair with her secretary and MacBob has to take over the job till they find someone else. His wife realizes that his drunken blubbering was legit and gets a twisted idea. Convince the CEO of the company to just give MacBob the exec job and get someone else to replace the Assistant Manager job, then get rid of the CEO.
The plan works and MacBob is the Executive of Haggis Inc. He goes to the Moor bar to celebrate with his buddy. He gets really drunk and sees those hippies again. He wobbles over to tell them the good news and they’re just like, “wild, man. Wild. Look out for the man born of no haggis, amigo. Look out for paper cuts too.” He’s still euphoric about the promotion and hollers “I’m gonna be be King of Haggis!” His buddy tells him to cool it. He goes home and sleeps it off.
Act II
In the first week, MacBob has been doing stellar at his new job. He just got a contract that will raise Haggis Inc. chains all over Scotland. He gets a raise and the CEO suggests that a party is in order. MacBob accepts and phones wifey the good news. She’s been plotting how to get rid of the CEO and thinks the party is the perfect opportunity to do so and suggests it be held at their house.
MacBob is still hung up on the King of Haggis idea that he gets paranoid. After he finds out a colleague is vegetarian, he thinks that’s the guy not born of haggis and fires him on the spot without telling anyone. He gets a major guilt trip afterwards.
At the party, everyone’s drinking and having a great time. MacBob hallucinates he’s seeing the guy he fired and is yelling at air. He writes the guests out. Wife interrupts, says he’s just drunk again and everyone goes to bed. The wife wants MacBob to lace the CEO’s nightcap with a vinegar concoction to make him so sick he goes to the hospital. MacBob is chicken so she does it.
The CEO dies from tripping over his hospital gown and landing on his head. MacBob gets the CEO job.
Act III
MacBob is CEO and is NOT prepared for for all the responsibilities. The Haggis Chain contract falls through along with all the partnerships. MacBob is stricken. His wife goes bonkers from the thought of losing what she cheated so hard for and gets committed. MacBob goes to the hippies for help and they turn him away. They don’t palm read anymore. They’re into poetry now.
MacBob goes back to his fancy office and is considering ending it all. Lawyers walk in with bankruptcy papers to be signed. He gets a paper cut while signing and gets the shock of his life when he sees who just gave him the papers. It’s the vegetarian he fired. It turns out he had the degrees to became a bankruptcy lawyer after getting fired.
Our tale ends as MacBob goes to the Burger King drive-through and when asked what he’d like to order, he says “Haggis.” He gets a paper BK crown with his haggis-shaped burger.
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