May We Bid Farewell to This Troublesome Physical World!
1
Spring.
The season when the snow melts and all the adventurers who have shut
themselves indoors come out again.
Monsters roam free once more. It's a season of flourishing.
And—
"No way! Uh-uh! It's still cold outside! What's wrong with you? Are you both
stupid? There's still snow on the ground—why are you in such a hurry to go
outside? Are you children? Are you little kids who wanna go play in the snow? If
you're that eager, then you two go have at it!"
—it's the season when the warmth makes everyone a little, well, balmy.
Yes, it was spring, but there was still snow around town.
Aqua clung desperately to the couch as Darkness and Megumin struggled to
peel her off it.
As monsters were emerging from hibernation, they felt it was time to go on a
quest. Aqua had vehement objections, based largely on the temperature.
"Who is being a child here? I believe it is you, Aqua! Come on, we're going!
You spent all winter lazing about. It's time to start moving again. Or else—"
"Frogs and all kinds of other monsters are starting to show up outside town.
Word is, they're damaging the farms. It's our duty as adventurers to protect the
people! H-hey! Aqua! Let go already! Or else—"
Megumin and Darkness kept glancing at me as they talked.
""—you('ll/will) end up like that,"" they finished together.
Aqua fearfully turned to look at me.
"I guess I don't want that… But why not do something about that worthless
lump before worrying about me?" Despite her conflicted expression, her words
were blunt and rude.
"Hey, you three. I'm pretty good-natured, but I'll only put up with so much.
Where do you get off calling a guy 'like that' and 'worthless lump' and
whatever?"
"If you don't like it, start by coming out of there," Aqua shot back, still clinging
to the sofa.
I had no intention of doing something so stupid, not when it was this freaking
cold, so I just burrowed down further.
Under the blanket of Japan's ultimate anti-chill weapon, the heated kotatsu
table.
We'd gotten back to town after defeating Vanir, general of the Demon King's
army.
There, we found the demon perfectly alive and working in Wiz's shop. He'd
made a grim prediction for Darkness and talked to me about the best ways to
make some money.
Specifically, the plan involved large-scale sales of items from my original
world. I would develop the goods, and he would handle mass production and
distribution.
I'd been considering the venture myself for a while, and it seemed like easy
cash, so at Vanir's suggestion, I was going to spend the idle winter days coming
up with products, but…
"…Kazuma, enough is enough. Get out of there already. You are setting a bad
example for Aqua. We know how smart you are, and we acknowledge the
superiority of the heating devices of your land. But the snow will be melting
outside soon. Is it not time to resume our activities?"
I had become a complete kotatsu potato. Megumin was bending toward me
with a gentle smile and a tone that suggested she was talking to a selfish child.
"She's right, Kazuma. I agree we were greatly indebted to your 'kotatsu' over
the winter. But surely things are better now. Come on, work with me again, like
you did in that dungeon. Let's…"
Darkness was wearing the same expression as Megumin. Slowly, they reached
out for the blanket keeping in the warmth under my kotatsu…
I targeted the defenseless nape of Darkness's neck and intoned:
"Freeze!"
"Eyow!" She yelped at the unexpected blast of ice running down her back.
Maybe ice magic really was stronger this time of the year, because Darkness
collapsed onto the blanket, rubbing her neck and shivering.
"H-he's fighting back! Kazuma, that is enough already! I know we're not in
debt anymore, but lazy is lazy! Come on—we're going! Hey, what are you doing
with that hand? No more resisting. Just come with uuuusssss!"
As Megumin reached out to drag me from the kotatsu, I simply grabbed her
hand and applied Drain Touch.
She screamed and batted at my hand as I absorbed her HP and MP.
In her haste to scramble away, Megumin ended up doing a backward
somersault on the carpet.
So there was Darkness, still holding her neck and shivering, and Megumin,
pressing her hands to her head where she must have bumped it during her
tumble. I said to them sotto voce:
"Don't underestimate me. I know what you take me for, but I've contended
with infamous bounties and Demon King's generals and come out on top. You
think I can't handle a lackadaisical Crusader and a quasi-Arch-wizard? Go get
some levels and try again."
By now, only my head was poking out from under the table.
"…Looks like Kazuma's made himself a force to be reckoned with, with all his
little skills. Personally, I don't care if he never comes out of there. Then I don't
have to fight anyone for my special spot in front of the fire," Aqua informed the
others from the sofa.
They both stood up with tears beading in their eyes and shot venomous
glances at me.
Well, they could look at me however they liked. I wasn't in the mood to cave
to anybody right now.
In this cold, I wasn't about to go—
Uh-oh.
"Guys, I'm in trouble. This is an emergency. I need to go to the bathroom, like,
really bad. I know it's a lot to ask, but how about we call a quick truce? I need
you two to grab the mat under the kotatsu and carry it over to the toilet."
I cast some magic on the heating element under the table with me as I talked.
That was how it generated warmth. If I got out from under the blanket, the flow
of MP would stop while I was away, meaning my warm pocket would start to
cool off.
Happily, since I had just drained some magic from Megumin, I was in no
danger of running out.
I had assumed the two of them would be angry, but they simply exchanged a
glance and then, to my surprise, did exactly as I asked.
Megumin grabbed the front end of the mat under my haven. "Take the other
side, please. We will throw this man outside, kotatsu and all."
"Sounds good. Aqua, I know you don't want to leave the fire, but could you
give us a hand here? Just open the door for us."
"S-stoppit! Don't you have an ounce of sympathy for your fellow man?! Hey,
stop—! If you take another step, I'll use Steal on you! I'll do it!"
I had discovered that no other skill intimidated women so much.
But Megumin merely sniffed at my threats.
"Have we not already shared a bath together? What could you steal that
could possibly embarrass me now? More to the point, if you deliberately steal
my panties, I presume you will well and truly be known as a lover of 'jailbait.'"
S-so the worm has turned!
Where did she find the nerve? When did she get so sure of herself?
"Y-you've seen me naked, too. I've even washed your back. So I'm not afraid
of any S— Any St— Errgh…" Darkness tried to imitate Megumin's show of
defiance but seemed considerably less confident.
"All right! Let's take this worthless hikikomori lump and dump him outside!"
"Stop! Wait! W-we can talk! I-I've got it! When it gets a little warmer, I'll help
you do two explosions a day! I'll use Drain Touch to take Aqua's MP, and you'll
get one extra blast every day!"
That got a twitch out of Megumin, but Aqua had some objections.
"No way! Why should I share my precious, sacred MP for something stupid
like that? I'll have you know that my magic comes from the profound faith of
my Axis Church followers. They're my followers, and this is my magic! If you
think I'm going to let you use Drain Touch on me again…!"
"You can just ignore her. I promise I'll get you that magic!"
"Ohhh… Two explosions a day… Two explosions…"
"Ohhh… Steal… Steal… No! There's always a chance he might not get my
panties on the first try…"
Aqua was whining, and Megumin and Darkness were fretting to themselves.
Just another morning.
"Mr. Satou! Mr. Satou, are you there?!"
Suddenly, a furious pounding sounded at our door.
2
Who was it but Sena, the prosecutor who had dubbed me a criminal and even
gone so far as to take me to trial.
"Mr. Satou, this is terrible! There are Lizard Runners outside town…and…"
She burst in, her face pale, but she sounded less pleased by the moment
when she spotted me buried under the kotatsu with only my head sticking out.
It wasn't long before her panicked tone had reverted to the one she had used
when she was trying to wring a confession out of me.
"May I ask what exactly you're doing…?"
"I believe it's obvious. I'm staying warm on a cold day. Oh, speaking of which,
could you close the door?"
Sena heaved a sigh and complied.
"…Mr. Satou. You've defeated no less than two of the Demon King's generals
and even brought down a major bounty head. I hold a rather high opinion of
you, and I do respect you, but…"
Gosh, I don't like where this is going. All because I wanted to keep warm in my
kotatsu.
"You can safely ignore him. You must have had some reason for showing up
here in such a hurry," Darkness said.
"Oh, that's right! Monsters called Lizard Runners are swarming the area at
this moment. Every adventurer in town is trying to get rid of them. Normally,
they're not terribly dangerous, but…it seems enough of them were in heat at
once to produce a Lizard Runner princess!"
According to Sena, every year around this time, the "Lizard Runners" had their
mating season. These monsters were bipedal herbivores who normally posed
no real threat to anyone. But the moment a large female known as a "Princess
Runner" was born, the creatures immediately became a menace.
Princess Runners gathered more and more Lizard Runners to themselves until
a fight to mate with the Princess broke out within the herd.
And the way they fought was very unique…
—They sprinted.
Short distances, incredible speeds.
They were like those frilled lizards everyone used to be so into.
And they didn't test themselves against other members of their own species.
Instead, they'd seek out fleet-footed members of other species and challenge
them to races. And leave them in the dust, of course.
The lizard that won the most challenges would get to mate with the Princess
and become the King Runner, the leader of the whole herd.
Granted, you could quibble about the nomenclature. Like, if the guy becomes
a King Runner, why isn't the female called a Queen Runner? But I think the real
loser in that argument would be whoever even bothered to engage in the
conversation.
Hearing about these bizarre life-forms was enough to make me sick of this
world all over again, but to people who rode on horses and dragons and birds,
this problem had everything to do with them.
These normally placid Lizard Runners were going to want challengers, and
when they did, they would fearlessly approach whatever they intended to
challenge—be it a horse or a dragon—and give it a kick to get it going. Then
they would set off as fast as they could.
Lizard Runners had a powerful kick, capable of breaking bones and worse.
And now that a Princess Runner had appeared, the Guild was very interested
in thinning out the herd as quickly as possible…
"And that's why I'm here, Mr. Satou!"
Sena was gleefully grinning at me.
…Not that I had any idea why. "I'm afraid I still don't really understand your
reasoning. The Guild already put out a quest, right? Why come to me
personally? Someone will take care of it."
"What are you talking about, Mr. Satou? As I recall, when we were faced with
a dungeon, home to one of the Demon King's generals, you said, 'We have to
protect the people of the town. That's an adventurer's duty.'"
D-did I say something that cool? …Come to think of it, I guess I did.
"Good luck getting that NEET to do anything. Now that he's paid off his debt
and wallowing in cash, I don't think he's even going to move till he needs
money again," Aqua called, not sparing me a glance from her place by the fire.
"Well, Kazuma does have the lowest level of any of us. I don't blame him for
being scared."
She didn't have to add that…
"Hey, since when do I have the lowest level? Aqua, you're… Well, okay, I know
your level's pretty high after taking out all those undead. But Megumin's…"
"Level 26."
Megumin showed me her Adventurer's Card with a triumphant look.
"…When did that happen?"
"I eliminated both Destroyer and the Demon King's general Vanir. Not to
mention I am often the one who must clean up lesser monsters. Naturally, my
level was eventually going to go up."
Seriously?
And with such a high level, she must have gained a fair number of skill points.
But I was sure she had just dumped them all into skills that would boost the
power of her Explosion spell.
But there was still one person whose level was lower than mine.
"What about Darkness? Her attacks never hit, so that must make it hard to
gain levels. I'm sure you don't need me to come out and personally deal with
your Lizard Runners or whatever. We should let Darkness go farm some
experience…"
"Heh," Darkness snorted.
Then, with no small amount of pride, she shoved her card under my nose.
"You might recall that I was almost solely responsible for getting rid of Vanir's
magical dolls. And they gave experience in proportion to the danger they would
pose to a normal person…!"
She sounded tremendously proud of herself.
Her card showed her level was 20.
I felt a flash of anger toward the grinning Darkness.
"Ptoo."
"What?!"
She yelped as I spat square on her card.
I ignored Darkness as she tearfully scrubbed at the card. I crawled out from
under the kotatsu and took out my own card.
Next to LEVEL, it read 13.
…What was I going to do? When had this happened?
And this when, according to Aqua and the others, the weak Adventurer class
was supposed to gain levels faster than advanced classes…
Sena cocked her head quizzically as I stared at my card. She took in my
expression with her guileless, straightforward gaze…
"What is your level, Mr. Satou? I assume it must be fairly impressive, given
you've tangled with the Demon King's generals…"
"H-hey, guys, get your stuff together and let's go on a quest!"
A bit desperately, I cut Sena off before she could say anything else.
3
"Kazuma, you do not seem to get along very well with Sena. Did she subject
you to a brutal interrogation while you were in jail?"
Megumin and I were headed to see the blacksmith in town.
I walked along without an ounce of enthusiasm.
"It wasn't brutal, exactly, and I'm not sure I'd say we don't get along. She
just…seems to see me as some sort of do-gooder. Personally, I'd just like to live
as soft and sedentary a life as possible, so I wish she'd stop looking at me like
I'm gonna save the world."
Sena had started asking me for help because I had defeated the Demon King's
general Vanir.
But I didn't have some special ability like Mitsurugi. And except for my Luck,
my stats were all below average, even for an Adventurer. The only reason I'd
defeated any generals or bounty heads was basically just being in the right
place at the right time.
And yet she kept coming to me with problems…
"I actually agree with that prosecutor in having a high opinion of you, Kazuma.
You have managed to pull out some rather improbable victories against some
very powerful foes."
"Are you praising me or making fun of me?"
I didn't get to find out, because we had arrived at the blacksmith's.
The truth was, I hadn't been completely indolent all winter. I had learned
some new skills to help me develop the products Vanir and I were working on.
For example, I had asked the owner of this shop to teach me the Smith skill.
That made me better not only at working with metals but at all kinds of
manufacturing.
It was just that after I created the kotatsu, my other work screeched to a halt.
In exchange for teaching me Smith, I had imparted to the blacksmith the
process for making a Japanese katana—even if it was just a dim recollection of
something I saw on TV once.
Since my cheap short sword was starting to wear out, and since I had come
into a small fortune, I decided to ask the shop owner to upgrade my equipment.
I promised to buy the first katana he produced.
Also, I knew I could hardly go forever with just a breastplate, gloves, and
greaves, so I'd asked him to make me a set of real armor.
I'd been sequestered in the house for so long that I was sure it was just about
done…
"Hey, man! You finished? Is my sword just about done?"
"Welcome… Oh, it's you. The sword you taught me to make, that 'katana' or
whatever you called it? It's done, as far as it goes. I made it in the shape you
described, but…"
The shopkeeper brought out a blade in a sheath.
It definitely looked like a Japanese-style sword.
I took it in hand and drew it out…
"Whoa… You sure got the right idea…! It's not quite as pretty as the real thing,
and it doesn't look very sharp, but hey, it'll do."
"Well, excuse me, Mr. I-Wanted-a-Perfect-Sword! I tried to find out about this
tempering process you talked about, but I'll be damned if it made a lick of sense
to me. I guess it was an interesting enough job. All I have to do now is write the
name on this magical tag and stick it to the scabbard, and it'll be finished. This
sword is going to be your faithful companion. Better give it a good, strong
name," the shopkeeper said with a flash of his teeth as he brought out my suit
of armor.
Name the sword, huh…?
I examined the shining blade and remembered the names swords always have
in video games.
"Kazuma! Kazuma! Hurry up and give it a name—I want to go explode
something! We have been cooped up all winter, and I'm feeling very
repressed!"
"You went out to do an explosion every single day. Anyway, hang on. It's a big
deal, naming a weapon. You have to give it the attention it's due…"
I settled Megumin down and lapsed into thought.
Muramasa… Masamune… Kotetsu…
"Here you go, the full plate mail you ordered. It's reinforced with Adamantite
here and there—top-notch stuff by local standards. Take good care of it."
As I was thinking, the shopkeeper brought out my armor.
The full-body armor, shining blue, made for an intimidating sight. This would
definitely protect me from damage.
I gleefully tried it on…
"What do you think? Perfect fit, huh?"
The shopkeeper sounded pleased. And it did fit well, but…
"…It's so heavy I can't move."
"...Is… Is it, now…?"
The smith eyed me with pity.
With my abysmal stats, I apparently couldn't even equip the high-class item
I'd ordered.
Luckily, I'm about average size, so the shopkeeper was willing to take the item
back, and I didn't have to pay for armor I couldn't use.
I had been hoping to see some serious improvements in my attack and
defense, but it didn't work out the way I'd hoped.
I would have to be satisfied with a new weapon.
"So now all that's left is the name… Gotta put my whole heart into this…
Kikuichimonji… Kogarasumaru…"
As I stood there with my arms folded, deep in contemplation, Megumin
suddenly suggested, "Chunchunmaru."
"…What did you say?"
"Chunchunmaru. That is the name of your sword."
The sword that, for some reason, Megumin was now clutching to her chest.
Nuh-uh. No way.
"I can't give my sword some random name like that. This is a special-order
item I worked hard to get. My faithful weapon! It needs an awesome name so
that—"
"Hey!" the shopkeeper said, looking at the blade in Megumin's grasp.
I followed his eyes to the magical tag affixed to the scabbard.
The characters on the tag…
"…The young lady's already inscribed the name…"
"Indeed I have. From this day forth, this blade shall be known as
Chunchunmaru! Now, Kazuma, I believe your business here is finished. Come,
explosions await!"
"Wh-wh-what have you done?! Aww… My sword…!"
With my weirdly named sword in her hand, Megumin dragged me out of the
shop.
"—You know, I spent a pretty good chunk of money on that sword… What if I
defeat the Demon King with it? There'll be a plaque in a museum somewhere:
Chunchunmaru, Holy Blade of the Legendary Hero. Do you even understand
what you've done?"
(image Here)
"I gave a bold and arresting name to this sword while you stood there
dithering. What are you so upset about? I'm more concerned about whether
Darkness has succeeded in convincing Aqua." Megumin seemed just a bit
uneasy as she spoke.
Before the two of us had set off to procure my weapon, we had asked
Darkness to work on Aqua…
"Noooo! I don't wanna go today! Tomorrow! If tomorrow's warm, then we'll
go out! I have a bad feeling about today! Goddess's intuition!"
"Enough with this goddess nonsense! Look, you can't cling to that sofa forev
— Ow! Let go of my hair!"
When we got home, we found Aqua and Darkness embroiled in a fight.
I guess Darkness hadn't managed to persuade her… Well, heck.
"Sounds like she really doesn't want to do this one, Darkness. How about we
leave Aqua at home this time? The three of us should be plenty."
"There you have it! Every once in a blue moon, Kazuma says something
sensible! You heard the man, Darkness, now get your hands off me!"
Aqua started smacking at Darkness's hands, emboldened by what she took as
my show of support.
"Anyway, you two, this is our first quest in a while. When we get the reward
money, I'll take you out to eat somewhere. We can celebrate with a nice hot
pot or something."
I had made the proposal offhandedly, but I noticed the goddess of
celebrations perk up her ears.
The other two seemed to have picked up on what I was thinking and
exchanged a glance.
"Kazuma is right. Winter is ending, and this is our first day back at
adventuring. We will have to have something truly luxurious to recoup our
strength."
"Yeah, let's enjoy ourselves today. I know a place that caters to the nobility. I
can make a reservation there."
They immediately set about adding fuel to the fire.
Darkness released Aqua's collar, but the goddess anxiously interjected, "You…
You know, you could buy the ingredients, and we could all have a hot-pot party
at home. Tell you what. I'll even make all the preparations so it will be ready
when you come home exhausted from your adventure. We can have a little
party here at the house."
She gazed up at us, still glued to the couch.
We looked at her.
"""Take care of the place while we're gone,""" we chorused.
"Waaaaaah! I'm sorry! Don't leave meeee!"
4
Pockets of snow still speckled the field outside town.
"All right, we've got a good position. Let's get started!"
I was perched in one of the few trees around the area, ready to do some longdistance sniper work with my Deadeye skill. I gave the signal.
"Cool, I'm good anytime! This is a great way to get your piddling level to go up
a bit. And the sooner you get strong, the sooner you can defeat that Demon
King for me."
Aqua stood beneath the tree I was positioned in, arms crossed, glaring at my
intended target.
Come to think of it, I guess I was supposed to defeat the Demon King at some
point…
"Yeah, with Aqua's buffs in place, we could take on a whole herd of these
things!"
Darkness planted her feet there with her great sword plunged into the earth,
her hands resting boldly on the hilt. She formed the picture of bravery.
"If any get through, leave them to me. When they are near, I shall blow them
all away at once."
Megumin gripped her staff calmly, a smile on her face.
Everyone but me is above level 20 now, and our equipment is up to snuff.
We're more or less intermediate adventurers now.
"All right, here we go, then! Just like we planned. I'll start by sniping the King
Runner and Princess Runner. Without them, the Lizard Runner herd ought to
break up, and we can mop up the small fries. If my shooting doesn't do the trick
and they attack, I'll hit them again while Darkness keeps them busy. If that
doesn't work, Megumin will use Explosion before we get surrounded, and I'll
pick off any survivors. Aqua's on support… Okay, ready?"
Uncharacteristically, our plan today accounted for the possibility that
something might go wrong.
Just more proof that we weren't amateurs anymore.
From my perch, I used my Second Sight skill to get a bead on the distant
Lizard Runner herd.
They looked just as Sena had described them. They were reptiles resembling
huge, green, bipedal frilled lizards.
One of the Runners was twice the size of any of the others. It had a horn on
its head like a crest and appeared to be giving orders to the other creatures.
"Hey, Aqua, you see the one with the horn? I know that's the Princess, but
which one's the King?"
"How should I know? Maybe it's the one that looks the most dignified?"
I wanted to ask her how I was supposed to recognize a dignified lizard, but it
was my fault for asking her anything in the first place.
The Princess Runner had that distinctive horn, but how could I determine
which one had won the running competition?
That was when I realized the Princess was always close to one particular
lizard.
Of course. The winner becomes her mate.
So the one she was the friendliest with had to be the King.
I set my sights on him and drew my bow all the way back…
"I've got it! Leave it to me, Kazuma; I have an idea. The King is the one who
won the running competition, right? So he's got to be the fastest runner here!
One of my holy magic spells attracts monsters—it's part of a pair with the spell
that repels them. I'll use it to summon the Runners, and the one that gets to me
first must be the King!"
Except I'd wanted to know which one was the King exactly so I could shoot
him from a safe distance. Her suggestion was the most backward thing I'd ever
heard.
"What are you talking about? Do goddesses stick their hands in a fire just to
see if it's hot? I already have a guess which one's the King, so don't do anything
stu—"
"False Fire!"
Aqua was chanting before I could stop her. A pale-blue flame appeared in her
hand. I wasn't a monster, but the sight of it still made me want to jump down
and punch her in the face.
The impulse came mainly from the magical power, but I admit, it was partially
because she had gone and done something stupid.
The Lizard Runners seemed to have caught sight of the flame, too. With a
bizarre screeching sound, they came running straight at Aqua.
"""Geez!""" Darkness, Megumin, and I all exclaimed, taken aback by just how
quick the Runners were.
Megumin hurriedly began chanting Explosion, but at this rate, the monsters
would be on Aqua long before she finished.
Darkness stood in front of Megumin, while I held my bow and shouted at
Aqua, "You dumb idiot! You're never happy until you've done something to
screw us over, are you?! Stick to party tricks from now on! We could've taken
out the King and Princess nice and quiet, and none of these guys would have
been any trouble! And you had to go and stir them up!"
"Wh-what are you so angry about? I was doing my best to help—don't get
upset at me! Fine, I get it! I know how this is gonna go! I'm sure those Runners
will do something awful to me, and I'll end up in tears. I know my part—now,
are you going to kill them or just hang there?!"
Defiant in her anger, she went from looking desperate to flinging herself
spread-eagled on the ground to sulk.
"You moron!" I shouted. "At least make with the support and healing! Don't
just lie there; they'll trample you, and you really will die!"
At the same time, I took aim at the King Runner, who was barreling toward us
at a terrifying speed, and let loose with my Deadeye skill.
My aim was true. I hit the creature at the front of the pack right between the
eyes.
Success with Deadeye was partially based on your Luck stat. I had hardly
handled a bow in my life, but with the skill and my Luck, I made a decent archer.
I had assumed the death of their king would be a serious blow to the lizards'
morale. But for some reason, they just picked up speed.
"Hey, Aqua, naptime's over! I took out the King, but it's only made them go
faster!"
Aqua was still laid out with her eyes closed, her head turned away.
"If you get rid of the King, it just means a chance for one of the other males to
take over. You have to take out the Princess first!"
"You couldn't have told me that one dead lizard sooner?! M-Megumin!
Megumiiin! Is your magic ready to go?! Use Explosion! There's plenty of space!
Take them out in one fell swoop!"
"Leave it to me! Wah-ha-ha-ha! Taste my combustive magic! Explosion!!!"
Nothing happened.
"?! Oh no! My MP! Kazuma, I don't have enough magic to ignite the
explosion!"
"What?! Why now, of all—? Oh crap!"
I had absorbed some of Megumin's magic with Drain Touch that morning!
"Wh-wh-what do we do, Kazuma? The Princess! The Princess Runner is really
running…!"
I looked up. Perhaps enraged by the death of her partner, the Princess Runner
—a massive lizard with a frill around her neck—had joined her entourage in
dashing straight for us.
Aqua was flopped on the ground just beneath the tree I was in, and Megumin
was next to her.
Darkness moved out in front to protect them…
"Fwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Have at meee!"
She sounded awfully excited. Downright thrilled, in fact.
And then the crowd of Lizard Runners broke against her like a wave.
"Yaaaah! K-Kazuma! Dear Kazuma!"
Now Aqua was shouting for me.
The Princess Runner seemed to be glaring straight at me, as though she knew
I was the one she wanted. Given how quickly she was approaching, she was
probably about to just jump and kick me right out of my tree. Man, was I in
trouble!
"D-Darkness! Just hold them off a little longer! I'm going to take her out!"
"T-take your time! Yaaagh! No r-rushhhowww!"
Darkness spoke through the hail of kicks the Lizard Runners were
administering below.
I drew my bow and aimed at the Princess's brow, just below her frill.
"Kukieeee!"
"Deadeye!"
As she launched herself up at me with an animal screech, I fired down at her.
At point-blank range like this, it would have been hard to miss even without
my skill.
The arrow buried itself in the Princess's forehead, and her flying kick ran out
of steam before it reached me.
"That was a close one…!" I muttered, breaking out in a cold sweat. Then I felt
the impact.
The corpse of the giant Runner had collided smack against the trunk of the
tree.
I was defenseless, since I was trying to both shoot and look cool at the same
time, and I went tumbling out of the branches.
The lizards below watched my descent.
—I fell right past them.
I landed headfirst on the ground, a dull crack sounding in my ears.
"K-Kazuma?! Are you all right?! Aqua! I don't think Kazuma's supposed to
bend that way! Healing magic, quick…"
Megumin's pleading voice rang in my ears as my consciousness dimmed…
5
"...…"
"...…"
I stared vacantly ahead—face-to-face with the goddess Eris.
We were in the same sanctuary-like room I had found myself in after my
death at the hands of General Winter.
I'd arrived there just as suddenly.
Before me was Eris with her long silver hair and blue eyes, as inhumanly
beautiful as the last time I'd seen her.
This was a real goddess. And she was tapping her lip with a finger, apparently
very troubled.
"…Um, could you try to take a little more care with your life? I bent the rules
for you and let you be revived last time, and you wouldn't believe the trouble I
got in… I'm sure your friend, my senior goddess, is going to browbeat me into
releasing again, but I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences…"
"I'm sorry. There's nothing I can say this time. I'm very sorry!"
I fell out of a tree and died as I was celebrating my victory over the Princess
Runner. I had to admit it was a pretty ignominious way to go.
Eris heaved a deep sigh.
"I understand there are occupational hazards involved in adventuring work.
But…you just weren't paying enough attention this time…"
I bowed my head to her.
I was sure she was right: Aqua would resurrect me soon enough.
And Eris would have to take the heat again.
"Umm… What happened to everyone after I died? Are they okay?"
"Yes, they're fine. I don't know what exactly my senior goddess was doing on
the ground like that, but the lizards trampled and kicked her until she started to
weep for help. Darkness held the enemy off long enough for the herd to break
up after the Princess Runner fell. Miss Megumin is safe, too, thanks to
Darkness's protection. My senior is tending to your body now."
Thank goodness. At least we succeeded in driving off the lizards.
I could afford to just hang out here for a while, then.
I wondered if I'd received a massive blow to the head and lost consciousness
immediately, or if I was just used to this by now.
For someone who had just died, I found myself strangely calm. I scanned my
surroundings, taking everything in.
"…You seem relaxed about your death this time. Usually, people are rather
distraught when they come here."
"Well, between Japan and this new world, this is my third visit."
My eyes swept the room as I spoke to her.
…It's really empty.
Eris silently watched me goggle.
There wasn't much to do, and we found ourselves staring at each other.
…What to do? This is super awkward.
Stupid Aqua. What's taking her so long?
But…
"Don't you ever get bored, standing by yourself in an empty room? I don't
know what the population is in your world, but is it enough to keep you busy?"
Eris's smile remained in place as she answered. "That's a good question. I'm
responsible for people who lose their lives by monster, so I usually have plenty
to do. But in winter, when all the adventurers stay inside, I'm happy to say I
have lots of free time. If I'm bored, that means everyone is alive and well.
Nothing makes me happier than having time on my hands."
My lady Eris smiled wider as she spoke.
Oh man. This is trouble. My chest is getting tight, and my face is getting hot…
…Ah. I see. I'd always thought something was missing from my life in this new
world.
Here I lived in a house with three women, but where were the sparks?
I admit, none of them were exactly bad-looking. And yet…
I had the self-proclaimed goddess who spent all day napping in front of the
fire, eating, and napping again. The stubborn Explosion nut who just turned
fourteen the other day who could get me sent to prison. And the "Young Lady"
with a great body accompanied by a parentage and proclivities that were
nothing but trouble.
Sheer hotness wasn't what I truly wanted, you see.
I wanted a woman with a little sense, someone kind and caring.
—Yes! Here's my female lead.
Or so I was thinking as I stood there red-faced and flustered.
"But you know, I don't spend all my time here. Sometimes I get someone to
cover for me and go down to have a little fun on the mortal plane… That's
another of our little secrets, okay?"
She gave me that mischievous wink and laughed.
S-sure…
I nodded at her, still blushing.
Kazuma! Kazuma, can you hear me? I cast Resurrection. You can come back
anytime. Just have Eris open a gate for you.
I heard her, all right. I heard her yet again completely failing to discern that I
was having a moment.
Couldn't she have given me just a tiny little bit more time?
I found myself experiencing the exact opposite feeling from a few minutes
earlier. I clicked my tongue.
"I'll catch up with you in a bit. I want to keep chatting with Milady Eris here.
Just keep an eye on my body, okay?" I shouted into thin air.
I wasn't sure if she had heard me or not, because there was a moment of
silence. Then:
Huh?! What are you blathering about? Stop being dumb and get back here
already so we can raise your level, bump off the Demon King, and get me back
to Heaven!
Aqua's words dragged me back to reality.
The Demon King.
Right. We'd come here to slay him. And here I was, few levels and no power.
And saddled with a veritable brood of problem children, each with her own
unique and frustrating quirks.
Even if I came back to life, wouldn't I just spend the rest of it trying to defeat
the Demon King with those three?
Yeah. I saw the reality all too well.
What was I expecting? That if I worked hard enough, I would suddenly
discover some mysterious power within myself and conveniently wipe out the
final boss? Not likely.
If anything, I figured there were plenty more visits to this little room in my
future.
And what would I get for all that work?
I didn't answer Aqua but stood there, musing.
I considered the life—and all its hardships—that most likely waited for me.
I decided to be reborn and start a new life instead.
"Hey, Aqua! I've decided I'm tired of that life! I'm not coming back. I'm gonna
take a do-over as a baby somewhere. Give everyone my best, okay?"
(image Here)
"What?" Eris yelped with surprise at my words.
Eventually…
What is this nonsense?! J-just you wait a second!
I turned to Eris as Aqua's voice grew increasingly frantic.
"You got that? Sorry to trouble you, milady. If it's possible, could you…make
sure I'm a guy in my next life, too? And that I'm born into a house with a
gorgeous older stepsister and an adorable younger one?"
"Hold— I mean— Just— Wait a moment!" Eris was as startled as Aqua.
Then I heard Aqua's voice again:
Kazuma! Darkness says that if you don't get back here posthaste, she's going
to scribble all over your face! She's got a marker, and she looks awfully eager…
A-as if that would change my mind. I mean, I'm dead. What do I care what
they do with my body…?
…? Megumin, what are you doing? Those are Kazuma's clothes—Megumin?!
H-hold on!
"Hey, quit it. What are you doing to my body? Don't you disrespect the dead!
I'm gonna give you the haunting of your life!"
What was she doing to my earthly remains?
I was mulling it over with mounting anxiety when Aqua cried:
Megumin! Megumin!! Wai— Kazuma, dear Kazuma! Come quick! Get back
here right now!
"Well, stop her! Aqua, whatever Megumin's doing, why don't you stop—? EEris, milady, could you open that gate for me? Please!"
Eris giggled at my panic and snapped her fingers. Before the sound had faded,
a white doorway stood before me.
I got to my feet, ready to dive through it…
"Now then, Mr. Kazuma, I'll be praying for you to stay safely in the physical
world from now on. Have a nice trip!"
And I pulled open the door…
6
The first thing I saw was Megumin, her face flushed red in apparent anger.
She was crouched over my prone body, pressing out wrinkles in my shirt at
my chest.
"Hey, what are you doing? Here I thought you were the one sensible person
here, other than your name and your fixation on explosions! I'm dead for five
minutes, and I find you doing this?"
Megumin stood without a word about what she had been up to.
"What? If you have a problem with my name, let me hear it! This is all
because of your ridiculous joke about not coming back. The next time you say
something so outrageous, I'll do even worse to you."
A ridiculous joke? She'd probably get really pissed if I told her I'd been more
than half-serious.
I got to my feet, too, checking over my body.
"Seriously, what did you do to me? Is it going to make me embarrassed to
ever see you again?"
I glanced at Darkness, who was covering her face with both hands and
blushing up to her ears.
I looked questioningly at Aqua, who had been crouched there waiting for me
to come back to life, but…
"What, you want me to profane my holy mouth with that? Ask the culprit."
And she pointedly turned away from me.
"Okay, Megumin, tell me already. Otherwise I'm gonna be super awkward
around you…"
"You'll figure it out when you go home and get in the bath… I'm more worried
about your head. Are you all right? Not feeling sick at all?"
I felt around my head and neck, but everything seemed normal.
Oh right. I had died by falling out of a tree.
"Your neck was in awful shape, Kazuma," Aqua said. "At first I thought you
were pretending to be that girl from The Exorcist. It was a serious enough
wound; I prescribe avoiding combat for two weeks."
I flinched. The Exorcist. Wasn't that the movie where the girl turned her head
around backward? Had I done that?
Megumin patted me on the shoulder as I clutched at my neck, pale and
trembling.
"You should hurry home and rest for today. Look. Thanks to you, the Lizard
Runner herd broke up. Good work. I shall report on their defeat, so you go
home."
Gee, she was acting awfully nice now. Maybe she was worried that the shock
of dying had gotten to me.
After gratefully accepting her show of kindness, I collected Darkness, who still
wouldn't meet my eyes, and Aqua, who was occupied with comparing her feet
with the footprints of the Lizard Runners, and made for our mansion.
When we got to town, Megumin set off for the Adventurers Guild, and the
rest of us headed home.
"Hey, Kazuma. I was wondering—what made you say such dumb stuff,
anyway? You're living an easy life surrounded by beautiful women. What could
possibly make you so unhappy that you wouldn't want to come back?"
Darkness nodded vehemently in agreement with Aqua.
I just looked at them. "…Pfft."
""Hey!""
They responded to my snort with a chorus of surprise.
We reached our house, and I was just about to open the door when Aqua
started in on me.
"Hey, don't you think you haven't been treating us very well lately? Like
today. I worked hard to bring you back to life, even if you didn't want to come
back. So stop treating me like some kid you want to get rid of! You should
worship me properly! If we go to Arcanletia, the city of water and hot springs,
you'll see statues of me and branded merchandise and everything! It's
amazing!"
I wondered what kind of people made branded merchandise based on their
pantheon. I didn't even turn around as I replied, "Idiot, when have I ever
treated you like I want to get rid of you? Without you around, who would clean
the bathroom? Isn't that the perfect job for someone who claims to be the
goddess of water?"
"About that! I'm the goddess of water, not toilets! That's exactly what's so
awful about how you treat me! You should value me more!"
I just ignored Aqua as she stood there crying and annoying me with her
complaints. I entered the house, removing my chest plate right in the foyer.
Darkness came in, shedding her armor, which was covered in lizard footprints.
She seemed unable to stop sneaking peeks at my lower body.
…?
Mystified, I glanced back at her, and she quickly averted her eyes.
Of course I wondered what was going on, but I was a little sluggish, having
just returned from the dead.
I wanted to hurry up and get some rest, so I went to take the first bath.
In the bathing area, I set my hand on the magic-powered heating device and
turned it on. I entered the changing room, stripped off my clothes, and…
…came flying right back out.
"Where's Megumin?! Is she back yet?! I hope she doesn't think I'll go easy on
her just because she's a kid! I'll keep Stealing from her until she knows exactly
how I feel!"
"Megumin said when she was done at the Guild she was going to go stay with
a friend for a few daaaahh!"
Darkness, relaxing on the sofa with a magazine, raised her head to find me
naked as a jaybird and quickly buried her face back in her reading.
I still had no idea what her criteria for embarrassment were, but today I didn't
have time to wonder.
Aqua looked at me, my eyes bloodshot and my teeth clenched, and said, "...
Hey, Kazuma. I'm glad you're so comfortable with yourself, but don't you think
that's kind of boastful?"
"Y-you idiot! Megumin wrote this! You were there when she did it! Aww,
damn it alllll!"
I fled back into the bath.
Half in tears, I scrubbed at the words Megumin had scrawled on my waist:
Legendary Sword Excalibur