An Act

"Act the part, and you will become the part." William James

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Monday, June 23, 2014

It's been a few days since I spoke to my brothers about a potential new sister.  I just can't stop thinking about her.  She looked so cute.  I know I'm supposed to look adorable, but I'm an adult in a child's body. 

It's very hard trying to pretend to be more innocent than I am.  Most of who I am right now is acting.  I know deep down, I'm not lovable.  I'm not sweet, or cute, or adorable, or gentle.  I'm full of darkness and hatred.  I have so much pain in my heart, so much anger.

What isn't an act is how I feel for my brothers, my mother.  They are my family, the people I want to keep close to.  Of course, I would prefer it if all my brothers were kind and gentle like ninth brother, but that's just a fantasy I know will not come true.

Because of my wandering thoughts, I haven't even gotten through half of the reading I was supposed to complete.  It's stressful, yet something I feel is essential.  Who wouldn't want to know if they have another sister?  Who doesn't want a big family?  I'm not saying I want to have heaps of kids when I get married, but I like having lots of siblings.  As the youngest, I've never been able to spoil a younger sibling before.  It's something I've always wanted to do.  I'd cherish her if she were really my younger sister.

I wonder what her name is and how old she really is. Is she really third brother's full-blooded sister?  And why didn't sixth brother tell third brother?  It's all so confusing.  I really want those answers.  Knowing I'm not going to focus on my work, I head over to eighth brother's palace again.  Have they gotten any results yet?  Do they know anything?

Now, I know what you think.  Eighth brother has a palace?  Well, it's not really a palace.  It's more like a wing.  We just call it a palace.  Each brother has their own wing or palace.  Just like the cold palace mother and I are living in is the Southern wing.  It's only a more abandoned area with not as many servants as the other palaces.

I sprint the whole way, not caring how I looked. A proper princess is not allowed to do anything unladylike. Still, at this point, I just wanted to know if the investigations proved that we had a younger sister.  I reach eighth brother's palace and barge in, as I've been doing the past few weeks.

"Eighth brother!  Have you found anything yet?" I call out loudly.  I look around, not seeing anyone there. "Eighth brother?"

No one was around.  The whole palace was deserted.  Where is everyone?  Was something supposed to be happening today?  Where's eighth brother?  Where's Grandpa Robert?  I walk out with a deep frown on my face.  Let's go to ninth brother's palace then.

I head to ninth brother's palace, then seventh brother's, before finally finishing at third brother's.  No one was home.  Where is everyone?  Standing at an intersection between third brother's palace and ninth brother's, I stomp my foot in frustration.  What on Earth is happening today?  The whole place is like a ghost town.  I rush back to the cold palace—time to ask mother.

"Mother!  Where is everyone?" I ask when I reach her room.

"There's a parade today.  That's why you don't have any lessons and were just told to read," mother explains.

"Parade?"

"Yes.  The founding parade.  The Kingdom was found this week, thousands of years ago."

"Yes, I understand that, but why weren't we invited to this parade?"

"Because only the Prince's can attend.  It's one of them, after all, that's going to be the next ruler."

"Mother, do you think we have abilities too?" I ask.  It's been something I've wanted to know for a while.  Do other women think we may have abilities?

"Maybe.  But I also don't want to know if we do.  It's hard enough being a woman.  I don't want to be called a rebel and a traitor too."

Mother sighs.  She looks tired.  I hug her tight.

"It'll be alright, mama.  It'll get better.  I know it."

Mother hugs me close.

"I know, sweetie.  We just have to be patient."

"Mother, why do you still love father?" I ask.

"Because I know he still loves me too.  He was my everything.  Despite my being a commoner, he didn't despise me.  He was kind to me.  Loving towards me."

"He already had a Queen and three other Ladies, though."  I felt so confused.  How could father love mother like that when he was already married?

"He married Queen Satine when he was a Prince, but he never truly loved her.  He didn't love Lady Rita, Lady Kaitlyn or Lady Violet either.  Each and every one of them was chess pieces given to your father. He didn't get to choose them.  He did choose me, though.  And that's enough."

"But he sent you here, to the cold palace. Why would he do that if he didn't love you?"

"Him sending me here is him loving me.  If it were any other ruler, the death of a son would be death for the culprit."

"But you never killed the child.  It wasn't you.  Your nature doesn't allow you to harm another.  You're kind and sweet and gentle.  Not vicious like everyone in the Kingdom thinks."

Mother laughs, rubbing my head gently.

"Your father knows that, but he can't move against Lady Kaitlyn.  She has too much backing here in the Kingdom.  After all, she has the Third Prince and the Sixth Prince by her side."

"Third brother doesn't want anything to do with his mother.  He calls her vicious and a disgusting human being."

Mother frowns, not happy at all.  Her grip on me tightens.

"You never say that about another person.  It doesn't matter who they are or whether they genuinely are vicious and disgusting.  You never call anyone that."

"Why not, mother?"

"Because, as long as you think kind thoughts and feel pure feelings, you will always be a good person.  As long as you see the good in a person, there's surely something in them that's redeemable."

"Do you think sixth brother is redeemable?"

"Yes.  I know the Sixth Prince is."

"How?"

"Because he's a genuinely kind soul at heart. Don't look on the outside, Adira. Try to look underneath the tough facade he puts on.  It'll show you just how kind and genuine he is."

"How do you know he's kind underneath that mad dog appearance?"

"Because he was the kindest to you as a child.  I still remember when you were born." Mother's eyes turn misty from remembering.  "You were so small.  So cute. The Sixth Prince would always watch over your cradle.  He'd sing you lullabies and help feed you.  You were his favourite sibling apart from the Third Prince."

"But sixth brother is so different now." I did remember how kind he was, but that was so long ago.  He changed completely after his baby brother died.

"I know.  But the day before he changed, he came to me.  He bowed and apologised.  He said, 'I'm so sorry.  My mother, Lady Kaitlyn, wronged you.  I want to help you, but I'm not strong enough.'  He then stood  upright and said, rather firmly, 'I will get stronger.'  It was such a cute thing for him to do.  I still laugh happily now when I remember."

"...He apologised?"

"Yes."

"But he was 6 years old."

"All royal children grow up fast.  He had to so that he could survive.  He's a Prince, after all."

"I wasn't like that, though..."

"Because you're a Princess.  You're not supposed to grow up that fast.  You're supposed to know things, yes, but you're not a part of the succession line, and therefore a pawn that needs to remain alive and sheltered."

"Why do I have to stay sheltered?"

"A female who knows too much is deemed a rebel. A female who tries to change their status is considered a traitor.  Us women need to be very careful, sweetheart.  So make sure you don't do anything wrong in front of the Second Prince."

"Second brother?"

"The Second Prince is sly and dangerous.  He's like a snake hiding in the dark, just waiting to strike.  So be careful, Adira, honey.  Whatever you're planning, don't do anything or think about anything in front of him. 

He has complete control over his mind-reading capabilities.  He'll find out everything with even the slightest thought from you."

Mother is mother, after all.  She's the one that knows me best.  She's the only one that can see right through me.

"Mother..."

"Yes, Adira?"

"I'm glad you're my mom.  Thank you for being there for me."  I could only smile at her.  Nothing can replace my mother, and I will do anything to keep her safe.