Preparations

A few days had passed and Kache kept his promise. I hadn't heard a word from him or even seen him. Little Livian was keeping me entertained as we prepared to host a small party for other noble ladies. I still felt nervous seeing anyone, but Little Livian assured me that no one knew of my escape except for the palace staff and the imperial family. She also added that so few knew of Leo's and I's relationship that if a rumor did spread, it wouldn't be believed easily.

I looked out the window to see Her Majesty flirting with Leo quite loudly in front of the fountain. She began to frequent this place with him. He was dressed now in fine white clothes adored with luxuries. He was laughing and smiling with her, and frequently kissed her in public. I felt disgusted every time I saw them, but I felt disgusted with myself too for falling for someone who clearly only cares for what best serves him. Beauty fades at least.

She started touching him all over, with no decency for her image as the Empress. Her filthy hands looked like claws with how sharp she trimmed them, and she opened her mouth widely and dramatically laughed at whatever he was saying. She looked back for a second to my window and I looked away. I hated that I felt so many emotions when I saw them, rage boiled my blood while my heart broke. I didn't understand myself anymore.

Little Livian came to my side as she rolled her eyes at what she saw at the window. She sat me down on the couch and sat to my side. Even though she hadn't fully forgiven me, she still cared as she gave me one of her famous hugs. I held her back warmly. It felt good to have someone who comforted me, instead of one who only acted like they cared about me, only to watch me drown.

"Thank you," I said as I stroked her magnificent blonde hair. She let go and redirected our attention to the preparations for the event. We began by creating the invitations I hand embroidered with lace around the edges. We decided to invite three noble ladies near the palace I had met previously to start with re-introductions.

During our busy work, we were greeted by a sudden knock at the door. Unsure who it could be, we opened it cautiously to see a servant presenting us with a letter from Countess Carolina. Excitedly we thanked the servant and rushed to open the letter. Little Livian wanted to read it aloud so I listened as she enthusiastically exclaimed that Countess Carolina appreciated our gift and will meet us in a few days' time.

"This is great! She is a vital member of high society, with her on your side, you may have the political influence you could take the Empress seat in court in her absence," she explained excitedly. I nodded, it would be a lot of work, but it would be beneficial for me to do something for the empire while kicking that horse face down a peg or two for being so inconceivably inadequate for her role.

After a busy day, Little Livian helped me prepare for bed and I spoiled her some more by helping with her hair and allowing her to use my bath again. She seemed to really enjoy using my products but it made me happy just for her to be comfortable with me. After she wished me goodnight, I sat down to sit and think for a while by the candlelight.

I had no idea what was happening to me lately. I was so fueled with jealousy to see Leo paraded around by the Empress, but I also felt such a deep pain every time I saw him it made no sense. He made me feel as though I was floating high in the clouds but the fall from there felt as though it broke every bone in my body. I hope I never feel this again.

Interrupting my thoughts there was a soft knock at the door. I got up and answered it, seeing Nurse Nevi at my door.

"What brings you here at this hour?" I asked her. She has visited me daily to check my health but she stopped giving me "memory pills" and only the medication I actually needed to heal. That was why I was able to get so much stronger than I was when I escaped.

"May I come in for a while?" She asked sweetly. I invited her in and went over to light a few more candles so I was able to see her better. It was a fairly dark room with only one window and one candle by my bedside light after all. She sat on the sofa and invited me to sit next to her when I finished lighting up the room. I came to her side and stared at her in curiosity.

"I am sorry my dear, for lying to you about what your medications were and giving you those pills. Especially when you became so frightened that day," Instead of looking away like she does when she lies, she held my hands and looked right into my eyes.

"Thank you, for saying that. It means a lot but I know you were forced to by His Majesty,' I felt my anger creeping up again but I tried to swallow it. It felt nice to have her apologize though. My feelings are so conflicted and resolution is something I deeply craved in my life lately. She saw right through me, as she seems to always.

"I understand why are you so upset with him. I hope one day, you can understand how he is remorseful. I served under his father, and he repeated his same mistakes, but the former Emperor would never have apologized as he did, or tried to make any right. I-I think he is trying to be better than those who came before him, if you gave him a chance to be good, I think he could thrive. However, I understand if you are afraid still," She explained calmly. Just as I was feeling better my feelings got all twisted again. I knew she was speaking the truth, as we all knew the previous Emperor Malacoda was full of apathy and was cruel to those around him. But having a low bar doesn't mean being an inch better makes you a good person.

"I-I will think about it Nurse Nevi, please, my feelings are so twisted these days, I feel like my heart breaks while I want to scream in shame and rage every day. I don't understand what is happening to me," I confided in her. She gave me a small smile before stroking my hair behind my ear.

"My child, you are young. You have much life to live, your heart may be broken now, but don't let it be closed forever, allow it to feel again or those wounds will scar over," She told me. She gave me a nice hug as I cried on her for a short while. I couldn't help it with her kind words, she brought out the feelings I wanted to hide from. I felt ashamed, but mostly, I felt better to let it out. This was the first time I felt such relief from crying.

After such an episode she tucked me into bed. I tried to say no, but she insisted as she fitted the covers around me perfectly and gave me a kiss on my forehead. This type of affection felt so warm and unfamiliar, it was nothing like the high I felt before. I let the warmth overtake me as I fell into my first restful sleep in days.