I AM THE MOST EVIL MAN IN THE WORLD! EVEN THOUGH I'M A CHILD!

There was once a place high up in the sky, extending past the hills,far above the clouds, where a colossal mountain stood so immensely tall that just the shadow of its gigantic peaks could cover half the world. The mountain was known as Mt. Dickidous, a ten-thousand-foot edifice of black soot and stone that lived and breathed ash, fragments of volcanic eruptions from centuries before. And it was here, perched on this immense, dark erection of disproportionate size, this treacherous summit where fire and brimstone constantly..... erupted, that there was....

A city! But not a beautiful or friendly city where you would spend your vacations taking selfies in front of famous landmarks. No! It was a city of pure evil! A city so sinister that the few sunrays that managed to reach it scattered in fear across its horizons, staining its ash and soot-filled skies permanently with a ruthless and ravenous red taint! The city was named Betelgeuse, aptly named for only the sickest of the sick, tland the worst of the worst, and.... those who enjoyed eating beetles... Dared to live within its borders! And it was preciswly here.....here in this terribly frightening town....

That yet another mountain stood incalculably tall!

Stemming out from the city's center, this behemoth of a mountain penetrated the manosphere.... uhhh I mean stratosphere! With the greatest of ease! It had heaps of rock that were as red as the fire of hell itself! And a man who lived at the top, who was so vile, ruthless, and yet handsomely stylish that he rivaled the devil himself! And it was within these demonic embers, within these erroneous fires, that surely lay…

A giant skeleton head! The emptied eye sockets of the fossilized skull towered over all of humanity, casting its malign judgment upon all who gazed upon it. However, perched on its head was what appeared to be a bump from a skateboarding incident in its previous life from a distance, but up close,what was actually perched upon its giant forehead was....

"ANOTHER DAMNED MOUNTAIN! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING! HOW HIGH IS THIS THING! WHERES THE DAMN CAST-"(Narrator)

"I mean…"(Narrator)

"..."(Narrator)

"Ahem."(Narrator)

"I meant that it was on THIS MOUNTAIN, at this HIGHEST OF HEIGHTS, and at this PEAKIEST OF PEAKS of THIS third great mountain, that there FINALLY appeared to be a castle! Black as the midnight skies, fortified like a legion of a million men! And with towers as pointy as a narrator's nipples who, at 2 am, was narrating in the freezing cold outside of his master's castle! NOW! It was in that castle that there was a TOWER! And it was at the TOP of that tower!"

"Dressed in all black!"

"Striding through the corridors late at night!"

"Was the one and only!"

"The treacherous!"

"The heinous!"

"The FOUL!"

"Night… Janitor? Who was diligently cleaning the floors and halls for the king?

"Wait… did I get that right? No… maybe I narrated too far… Maybe it was not the first tower… Oh, and in the second tower… I see a naked woman…"

"PERVERT!" A woman cried from a tower window.

"That was one of the master's women… He's going to kill me for that… And in the third tower… is that a child eating ice cream at this hour of the night? And look, he's flipping me off! Where are his parents?"

"But at any rate, yes, I remember now!"

"It's all becoming quite clear!"

"It was actually within the fourth tower! Which wasn't as tall as the first! Or as sexy and well-built as the second… But was certainly as dark and evil as the ice cream-eating third! And required at least twice the maintenance and upkeep of all of them combined! It was in this Fourth tower that did not have a janitor, brazen child, or naked woman! It was here that there was a throne! And the only thing that could possibly be on that throne was..."

"...…....."

"... a note??""

The note read:

"BRB, sorry narrator, have to handle some evil and treacherous plans.

Hate you,

Lord Sirius"

"Are you kidding me! I stayed up all night for no reason??? It's 2 am! Where the hell could Lord Sirius possibly be at this hour!"

"Ow!!! Who threw that tomato at me!"

"Shut the hell up!" An old man groaned from the eastern side of the Castle "It's 2 am! We're trying to sleep you idiot! Stop Narrating out loud!"

In a great hall, far from where I had narrated before, a man with hair as red as a volcano on one side, and hair as black as tar on the other, grumbled in his throne chair. His name was Lord Sirius, the most evil and treacherous villain on the planet, and in the middle of the night, he had summoned his villainy council concerning a most pressing issue.

"What do you mean you want me to kill all of the farmers!" a man in a long trench coat pleaded. He was on his hands and knees, begging Sirius to reconsider. As he pinched his eyes shut, begging for mercy, his long nose waggled to and fro as he tugged on his master's cloak.

"Kill Every single last one!" Lord Sirius said. "No excuses!" The fire in his red eyes burned like solar flares, diminishing the souls of those who surrounded him.

"Please, your excellency!" The man pleaded. "I understand your frustration, but killing every farmer in every last corner of the realm is a bit extreme."

"Extreme! Allow me to show you extreme!" Lord Sirius grumbled.

"Madeline!" Lord Sirius said, snapping his fingers. In an instant, a maid as fair as white wine with curves as smooth as a perfectly ripe pear appeared by his side.

"Bring me the specimen in question."

"Yes, Master," Madeline said.

Teleporting in the blink of an eye, she returned to her master's throne with a bowl in her hands. Dropping to one knee, she knelt to the ground and raised the bowl above her head as if it were a symbolic offering.

"Thank you," Sirius said, swiping the bowl from her hands with a vile and agitated groan.

"Look into this bowl and tell me what you see," Sirius commanded, lowering the cup.

As the man looked, standing on the tip of his toes to examine the bowl, he saw nothing more than a bowl of milk and an ice cube in it.

"Well, speak up! What is it that you see here!" Sirius said.

"Oh no…" The man said.

"Oh yes! Now tell me what is in this bowl which my servant obtained under your supervision!" Sirius screamed.

"It appears to be… " The man said regrettably as he fumbled his fingers together nervously. "An attempt at a bowl of ice cream… " The man said.

"You call this an attempt!" Sirius screamed.

He thrust the bowl at the man's face, soaking his clothes with milk.

"A failed attempt is what that is! Now I am ordering you! Either kill every farmer in the land! Or… Fetch me some real ice cream!"

"Our ice cream maker is broken, your excellency. If I could just get more time—"

"Every ice cream maker in the entire realm is down? For what maintenance?"

"Yes... sir…"

"And what kind of maintenance requires the machine to be down indefinitely?" Sirius yelled.

"It's Mcdiggins' policy that no ice cream machine may be in use without proper—"

"Nonsense!" Sirius yelled, rising to his feet. "I'm tired of this bullshit!"

He strode across the room, striding back and forth as he shouted at his minister.

"Mcdiggins! I have thrice asked for a frozen dessert, and every time there is a new excuse!" Lord Sirius boomed.

"The machine is broken."

"The machine needs cleaning."

"We are out of milk… Out of ice… Out of cows! Well, guess what? Now I'm out of patience! I'm sick and tired of this shit! It's time to put an end to this once and for all. As my head of agriculture, you are a complete failure. And because of your incompetence, every man who owns a cow must die!"

"But the farmers just make the milk, it is the machines that are down, my lord." Mcdiggins pleaded.

"Do you think I'm a fool, Mcdiggins? Of course, I know that, but where does ice cream come from!"

"A process that involves churning milk?"

"Precisely!" Sirius said. "And where does milk come from?"

"Cows?"

"Precisely!"

"I am confused, sir… if you get rid of the farmers with all the cows, how will you get the milk for your ice cream?"

"I won't! But no one else will either!"

"You can't!"

"That's right! If I can't have ice cream, no one can! I will kill every last cow and remove ice cream from existence! And then this world shall know my pain! In fact, I will host a Sunday event to commemorate, and when everyone shows up, there will be no ice cream! And I'll say—What were you all expecting? I said Sunday, not ice cream Sunday! Muhahahaha!"

Muhahhaha Muhahahah!"

As the king laughed, a child poked his head out of the corner of the room. He was near the entrance of two large doors that were the entry of the throne room. Sticking his head through the crack, he was carefully licking a luscious vanilla ice cream cone with sprinkles on top. He licked and then looked both ways with each bite, careful that he remained unseen.

"Now go and bring me the head of every man who dared to defy my royal decree to create ice cream!" Sirius ordered Mcdiggins.

"That's far enough, Lord Sirius!" A proud voice proclaimed from the end of the hall.

A big and burly knight with stunning blond hair strode into the hall, blocking the path between Sirius and his minister. As his blue eyes shone from the brightness of the candlelit throne room, he aimed his long knight's sword in the direction of the king.

"You're just a selfish man who only cares for himself!" The knight yelled.

"Hmmm, and you are?" Sirius said, scratching his chin.

"My name is Arthor, the knight of truth! A hero from the—"

"Yes, yes, Madeline, I agree. In the meantime, we should switch to cookies and milk. That should suffice for the ice cream drought." Sirius said, speaking to his maid, completely ignoring the hero in front of him.

"Hey, I'm talking to—"

"Say ahh, Lord Sirius!" Madeline chimed as she lifted a cookie into his mouth.

"That's it!" The knight said as he began thrusting his blade. "I came all the way from the world of heroes to defeat you! I will become the world's greatest hero! My story starts here! I will save this world!"

The hero lurched forward with all his might, pouncing towards Sirius with a strong, forward swing.

From the corner of his eye, Sirius watched the hero with a yawn and patted his mouth with a napkin.

"Very well! If you want to help the world so much, then fine! Cry me a river!" Sirius said as his nostrils flared with indignation.

With a swish and a flick, Sirius encased the knight with a powerful black energy that wrapped around him like a cocoon, and in the very next instant, POOF, the man had turned into a box of tissues.

"Now you are a box of tissues! Be a shoulder to cry on for the pathetic world you long to protect!" Sirius laughed.

"BOOHOOO!" Came a cry from outside the throne room. In the next moment, a woman barged through the doors, burying her head in her hands.

As she came through the door, she knocked over the child, nearly causing him to drop his ice cream cone, but he carefully caught himself, regaining his composure.

"What's wrong, my dearest?" Sirius said.

"It's terrible!" The woman cried.

"Dry your eyes, my dearest. Here's a tissue," Sirius said, handing over the box.

"AAAHHHHH," the box cried as she blew into it.

"What was that?" The mistress said as she curiously inspected the tissue box.

"This tissue truly feels your pain..." Sirius said, wrapping his hands around it. "It is crying out your agony!"

"You bastard—" The tissue box cried before Sirius slammed it shut.

"Tell me what happened, Cecilia?" Sirius said as she sat on his lap.

"Some pervert was gazing at me through a window! And for some reason, he was voicing out everything I do!" Cecelia cried.

"Ah, the narrator," Sirius said, shaking his head. "He seems to be unreliable today. I told him to meet me here at 2 pm and haven't seen him all day."

"Well, he did get that portion about the child correct." Cecilia said, smiling.

"The child? What child?" Sirius said.

"The one outside the door," Cecilia said, pointing to the door.

Sirius's eyes darted in the direction of the door, and with his supremely astute and precise ocular prowess, he easily spotted the head of a child poking its head just out of the doorframe.

"HMPH!"

Using his amazing powers of extraordinary darkness, Lord Sirius made a gesture with his hands, and at once, both doors blew open, revealing the child with an ice cream cone.

"Oh no!" The child cried, fumbling the ice cream cone between his fingers. The force from the doors was so strong it had knocked him off balance, drastically pushing the ice cream cone from his possession. He swung his hands around desperately in an attempt to catch it, and for a moment, it seemed like the cone was back within safe reach.

"YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The child heard from a distance from Lord Sirius, and in the very instant, he froze as the ice cream cone fell to the floor, splattering itself across the ground.

"Explain yourself, Mcdiggins! How did he manage to get that ice cream? How could he, a mere child, get what I, a king, could not!"

"Well… " Mcdiggins said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Well what!" Lord Sirius's mistress said. "We are all waiting!"

"Mcdiggins anxiously peered across the room as counts and various servants all stared at him heinously with envy. Even the box of tissues that had previously been a knight stood up with its arms folded in angst. He had forgotten for a moment just how popular ice cream from Mcdiggins was and just how long the machine had been down. It was only a matter of time until they figured out about Sir Wendol… and his new type of ice cream, the Frosty, that the child had been eating earlier."(Narrator)

"Did you hear that?" Cecilia said to Sirius.

"I sure did!" Sirius replied. "Sir Wendol? Frosty's? What is the meaning of this!" Lord Sirius screamed.

"Curse you, Narrator!" Mcdiggins screamed. "Your over-narrating and poor use of quotation marks have once again led to my ruin!"

"Yay! He was reliable this time!" Cecilia said, smiling.

"The narrator tried his best not to blush after delivering what seemed to be an accurate rendition of Mcdiggins's mind, and although he was sure the note Lord Sirius had given him had said "meet at 2 am" and not "2 pm," he continued narrating the story in the freezing cold."(Narrator)

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" Lord Sirius cried in ire, slamming the sides of his throne with his fists. "And bring me the boy! How dare he enjoy a dessert without offering me a bite! Screw Mcdiggins, I am not loving it! Madeline, call Sir Wendol immediately! Provide everyone, including the tissue box knight who dared to oppose me, one of these so-called Frostys! Everyone is a victim of this Mcdiggins catastrophe!"

Sirius paused as one of his guards, a man in a Mcdiggins hat, casually ate his burger with fries in the middle of all the madness.

"Look… I can explain—"

"You fool!" Sirius said, striking him with a bolt of lightning. "There's more where that came from!" Sirius screamed. And then the child screamed, and then his men screamed, and then they all screamed… for ice cream.

"I've got to get out of here!" The child screamed, darting out of the hall.

"Bring me the boy! And where did Mcdiggins go?" Sirius asked.

Deep in the corner of the night, Mcdiggins, who had somehow escaped an entire hall of warriors and counts armed and all surrounded on his position, rubbed his hands together, laughing at his evil scheme.

"Yes, yes," he said rubbing his hands together, "Now the fall of Lord Sirius begins."