Different kids crave different kinds of attention and affection. My 6-year-old son, Stuart, is the type of kid I envied growing up: sweet and obedient enough to win his teachers' approval but fun enough to score all the birthday party invites. Yet shortly after I returned from a spring work trip, I saw him pinch a green bean between his fingers and felt something whiz by my left ear. Then he shoved his 3-year-old sister, Josephine, to the ground.And later, he pulled the needles out of the knitting belonging to his older sister, Vivienne, letting the dropped stitches unravel to the floor. I knew he'd felt ignored that week, with me away and the girls busy on playdates. So I told him how much I loved him, again and again, but he'd shrug and walk away. I wasn't sure how to get through to him.
That changed after I read an article about Gary Chapman, Ph.D., a marriage counselor known for his best-I realized that the verbal reassurances I'd been giving Stuart didn't mean nearly as much to him as hugs, cuddles, and other hands-on displays of affection. Now when he acts like he's running on an empty love tank, I scoop him up in my arms or shove his 65-pound, 4-foot frame into a baby carrier, and his mood flips as if I've hit a switch. But I still haven't stopped saying "I love you." Dr. Chapman insists that kids need to receive love in all five languages. That said, knowing which is your child's top choice can help strengthen your bond and stave off unwelcome behavior. The first step in identifying your child's primary love language is to pay attention to how they show you love. Why? We all tend to offer affection in the way we wish to receive it. As we get older, we learn that the Golden Rule can backfire in our relationships because we need to give love into others in the way that works best for them. But since kids generally don't pick up on that, they offer the brand of affection they crave. The other piece of the puzzle is what your child requests.
Consider these five ways your child might speak or ask to be loved in their own unique love language.Dr. Chapman has a son who prefers this love language. "When I came home, he would run to the door, grab my leg, and climb all over me," he says. If children are constantly in your space, touching you, or playing with your hair, that's a signal that they need to be touched more, says Laura Markham, Ph.D., author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.Snuggle on the couch, ask your kid if they want to sit on your lap, and offer foot massages and high fives. My own little guy has dubbed holding hands "a hug for my hand." Dr. Chapman also suggests wrestling and playing sports that require jostling. Diana Peterfreund, of Silver Spring, Maryland, says, "I give my 3-year-old daughter loud kisses all over her head the way Cookie Monster eats a cookie. She laughs and asks, 'More kissy monster?'" Virginia Green, of San Francisco, and her 5-year-old daughter, Eloise, have a secret handshake. When she's experiencing some big emotions, Green says, "I'll reach over and squeeze her hand three times—that equals 'I love you.'"A slap or spanking is hurtful to any child, Dr. Chapman warns, "but it is devastating to one whose primary love language is touch." Research has also shown that dads tend to become less physically affectionate when their daughters start to grow older because they feel ill at ease, says Dr. Markham. She suggests making a habit of good-morning and good-night hugs, even as kids get older.Someone whose primary love language is gifts tends to care about how a present is wrapped, and often remembers who gave them what for months or years after the fact. Anjali Jameson, of San Francisco, says, "One time, a grocery-delivery service sent me flowers because it had messed up my order. I spontaneously told my 5-year-old daughter that they were for her. She said, 'You love me!' and proceeded to tell everyone about the flowers from her parents." Another tip-off? Your kid has trouble throwing out things they have been given, even if they hav
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