Starting Point

To put it simply, I hate this place.

Within these confining gates, there's nowhere to hide. With every step, my mask crumbles and I'm left a little bit more vulnerable.

We can't hide from our reflections, projecting its own truth.

In this world, I'm worthless. The girl who've fallen from the clouds and succumb to insanity. They labeled me as the reject. Yet in another, I'm swimming in riches. I'm met with praises and applauds by those who see something to gain by falling in my good graces.

It's rather difficult to abandon these thoughts that wrapped around my mind for ages that I can no longer remember a time without them. A time where my mind was clear from the toxicity. If it leaves me, will I be empty or will I be free?

The past three years, I was forced to undergo a self-care journey. It was meant to be a retreat from the madness where I resigned and live a life of normality. A time to seek help.

But in those three years, I've only questioned the idea of a normal life. The moment I was birth into a high-society family, my life would never follow the cookie-cutter type of lifestyle. My mother would move heaven and Earth to ensure that.

While challenging the idea of normality, my mind played reruns of the time when my kingdom and all I held dear crumble away. To this day, I can smell the faint aroma of tobacco and gunpowder in the air and lingering taste the metallic blood in my mouth.

You can't get the best of both worlds. Life isn't a Disney show where there are no real consequences for your action. Life doesn't abide by the rules of a child. There's always a price to pay. An Eye for An Eye.

My price was a bargain. For the sins, I've committed, I became blinded from reality and droved into insanity. I was chained to my seat as I watch my life become ruined. All that I worked for. All that I loved. All that mattered to me. Gone. It took more than a few broken bones for me to open my eyes. The end of the storm didn't result in a rainbow or potted gold. Instead, it was a puddle of my own tears and a gun that was replaced with a pink carnation.

There are perhaps more than thousands of ways to express grief; remorse, agony, and most importantly heartache. Within the piles of words, I have yet to found that single word that defines mine. Throughout the passing months since the events, the words slowly faded and a flower was left behind.

A pink carnation; undying love and i will never forget you.