1 Case 001: The Mysterious Reappearance of Billy Schaefer

What is the meaning of regret? How long must one regret for those feelings of guilt to be valid? Does it matter if what you regret is something beyond your control?

Take me for example. A little over 10 years ago, my twin brother and I visited the rainbow tuna saloon (a local gay club) to celebrate our 21st birthday. We both got super hammered and used the same pickup lines, but he was the only one lucky enough to score that night. As we left the bar, I made an excuse about forgetting my phone in order to separate him and his date. I don't know why I thought I could snatch his date out from under him in the 5 or so minutes it took him to finish this quest of mine; blame it on the follies of youth, I suppose. How could I have known he'd disappear after going back in?

Keep in mind, when I say disappear, I mean into thin air. We both saw him enter the club, but nobody on the inside saw him after he entered, and none of the security cameras caught him after entering. It's like he vanished.

Needless to say, this incident completely changed the course of my life. I spent the next week hanging up fliers all over town, blew my savings on a private investigator and, when he failed to find anything, I even changed majors to criminal justice to become one myself. All of this so I could purge the regret I felt over that night.

Was I successful? Possibly. While working as a private eye I came across plenty of unsolvable cases, giving me new regrets to keep the original company. I then discovered that alcohol did wonders for forgetting them, provided I was always tipsy.

So I ask again, what is the meaning of regret? If I can purge them from my thoughts with just a 5th of whiskey, are they really worth being called a regret?

"I don't know, but your monologuing is scaring my customers Bob."

"Ah, my bad Salene. So how is the costume contest looking for later tonight?"

"Good enough that you won't stand a chance with those cat ears."

"Come on, you know I wore these for you sweetheart."

"If you want to give me a gift, I'll take one of those 6 months sober pins."

I scoff at her and take another shot before turning to look at the stage in the corner of the room. A bear of a man stands at its center, dressed as a bumble bee.

"Alright y'all. Everyone looking to enter the costumed queen competition please line up at the side of the stage. Remember this will be audience judged, and the prizes are a $300 check for first place, free drinks for second place, and a kiss from the bartender for third place. So get on up here and show your stuff," he bellowed to the audience.

Looking at the contestants now gathering, I can tell Salene wasn't fibbing earlier; some people really went all out on this. I especially like the twink dressed up as the thinking man, but maybe that's because he's only wearing a speedo and silver body paint. About five minutes later Jethro, the bumble bee bear running this contest, made another announcement.

"Okay, last call for contestants. Best get up here now if you want to be counted. Going once... Going twice..."

BANG

The door to the bar slammed open, and in walked someone who invested way too much time and money to win this contest. He wore nothing but a loin cloth, moccasins, headdress, and a cloak resembling the fur of an animal. In his right hand was a walking stick that looked to be made of bone, and on his belt was a stone knife, a horn, and a handmade pouch fashioned out of animal skin. Even his physicality was perfect for the role, as he had a muscular yet slim figure, tan skin, tribal style tattoos all over his body, numerous piercings, and a nice mohawk/beard combo that was decorated with various fangs and shells.

If that was all, then this guy's costume would be merely fantastic. But what pushed it into the realm of perfection was the crazy amount of acting he was doing. From the way he looked so confused to be here, to the bestial vibe he carried, they all made it seem as if he walked straight out of prehistoric times.

"Looks like we have our first place," remarked Salene. It seemed like many others in the rainbow tuna agreed with her, as he breezed through the contest. Hell, the applause he got when walking in the room was louder than any other contestant on stage. It'd be insane if he didn't win.

Thus, after running through the rest of the formalities, the caveman was brought up on stage and handed his prize.

"Congratulations buddy," Jethro said while shaking his hand. "Anything to say to your fans?"

The caveman looked through the audience with eyes that couldn't believe what was happening.

"Uhh, mukluk al ginhen rev..."

"Wow, he even made his own language..." some of the audience whispered to each other upon hearing this.

"Sorry, haven't used English in a while. Can anyone tell me what's the mukluk... I mean date?"

Jethro laughed and said "wow, got us a method actor here. Let's give him another hand everyone. Now, if you'd just give me your name, I can issue your check."

"Oh sorry... What was my name again? Oh yeah, Billy Schaefer."

"What!?!" Salene and I cried out.

"Oh, hey you two. Didn't you guys for a second there... So, how long have I been gone?"

I threw an empty shot glass at him in response.