Gil-kun and the Swamp

Somewhere outside of space and time...

"Wow, that was hilarious! Those two were crying for nothing and that stupid king made a grand speech for no reason! I was laughing my ass off!"

"Yes, I could hear you very clearly... I didn't find it funny at all... I found it... almost... beautiful, I guess... certainly very entertaining, but... in the same way a somber sunset can be..."

"Ah, you're always so poetic! Don't give these puppets too much credit, Alaya. More importantly, they're still flying on that airship?"

"So it seems."

"... fix it."

"What?"

"It's boring like this! They can just go everywhere superfast, do whatever they want, and be done by the end of the day!"

"That's just how broken the King of Heroes is, I suppose."

"Yeah, but broken doesn't make for a good story, nor a good show!"

"And what do you suggest me to do about it?"

"Shoot them down!"

"I'm not going to shoot them down!"

"Why not?"

"Because the whole point is that we don't interfere and we just let it play out, like a show! Do you see people modifying their favourite TV series as they like?"

"But the whole point is for us to have fun! We already stand back and watch everytime a Holy Grail War happens! With this, we can finally do as we like!"

"Well, I don't mind it this way."

"Well, I do!"

"Then it's not my problem. You do something about it."

"Ugh, fine."

Gaia moved her arm up and then put it back down. A huge flash appeared on the screen, then nothing was flying in the sky anymore.

"You shoot them down for real?"

"You thought I was being metaphorical?"

"Obviously!"

"Oh come on, you know me. If there's one thing that it's true about me... is that I'm never metaphorical."

"Are they dead?"

"Hell, if I know."

"Old bitch! You know it damn well!"

"Let's check."

A few seconds earlier, in the sky...

"I wonder what we are going to find once we travel East enough, where the swamp ends. I can't wait! Maybe there's a mountain of candy or living trees!"

"What if we reach the edge of the World?"

"Why would they make a flat world?"

"Well, who knows, it's their fantasy. Maybe Gaia is a flat-earther."

"The embodiment of the planet is not... Salter, this sentence is so dumb, I thought you were Nero for a second."

"Hey, being stupid and being an optimist are two different things!"

"Exactly, and of the two you are not an optimist."

"Whatever, at least I built something that still remains to this day! What exactly did you build? Sorry, but going from current knowledge I wouldn't know, since there's nothing left!"

"Do you want to be thrown off?"

"As if you could do that. You couldn't even built a good statue! How does it feel, knowing that Ozymandias has got you beat?"

"You damn little emperor! I'll show you! *pathetic and childish fighting ensues* Big talk from the person ridiculed even by the Bible!"

"At least I was in the Bible, where were you?"

"They literally stole half the story from mine!"

"Doesn't it seem like a common theme? People stealing from you? Perhaps you should improve your security system!"

"Guys... I'm sorry to crash your little flirting session, but in this regard, I have got you beat because of one simple thing... Camelot."

"..."

"..."

"What? You have the ruin's of Camelot in your world too, right?"

"..."

"..." 

"Right?!"

"..."

"..."

"This Saber of yours... I'm gonna kill her."

"Eh?! Don't you dare! I'll kill you myself!"

"Just like you should have killed that wench!"

"I won't let you speak of my Saber using these words! I'll teach you a les- Uh?! BRACE YOURSELVES!"

"For w- UMU!"

"Holy s- !"

A golden spark caused everything to start shaking. They could feel like they were falling down, faster and faster and suddenly there was nothing but air underneath them, and then they finally crashed to the ground... that is to say, in the middle of the swamp.

They emerged from the water, gasping for air.

"What the fuck was that!"

"Umu, I thought we were going to die..."

"We would have if not for Vimana's automatic defense system and for the shields I put up... ew, I'm all drenched in this... viscous and nauseating liquid... oh, it smells horrible!"

"What are you waiting for, idiot? Summon your airship and let's get out of here!"

"You think I wouldn't have done that already if I could?! Vimana's broken. Furthermore... I can't open my Gate of Babylon."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know, I just know that I can't and all my attempt have been unsuccessful. My Noble Phantasms are completely shut off."

"I don't have my gladius either."

"Excalibur is also gone. But it's strange... I can feel that it's still connected to my essence, however I cannot use it here."

"Best to ask questions later and get the hell out of here first."

"Indeed, umu."

"Don't start again."

"Or what? You can't blackmail me anymore, Goldie."

"Fine, then I'll just seal your mouth off if you annoy me."

"Wait a second... if none of us can currently use our Noble Phantasms, then that means that our clothes!" Nero jumped out of the water, splashing it around as the others covered their eyes.

"Oh, thank God, I still have them."

"Same here."

"Here too. Doesn't really make any sense, but it's better this way..."

****

"Why did you do that Alaya?" Gaia asked.

"I'm not interested in this kind of perverted shenanigans."

"You're no fun."

*****

"Come on, let's get out of here."

"Okay, umu. Hey guys look!"

"Oh my Gods, it's a..."

"fully grown..."

"crocodile..."

"but it's..."

"Tiny and Adorable! Wow, I've never seen a cat-sized crocodile! Oh, you're so cute! What? You're trying to bite Mommy? Umu, you're so cute! What a naughty little boy you are! I shall call you-"

"No! No. We are not bringing any more beasts with us."

"Oh come on, umu! He's so cute! Don't you see him, um-"

Nero's mouth was covered by golden duck tape.

"Oh, it actually worked!"

"Even the creators couldn't stand her..."

***

"Why did you do that, Alaya?"

"I couldn't stand her."

"You're really no fun."

***

"Let's continue this way, it should be the correct one, no?"

"Yes, assuming we are facing East, the map says we should go towards there."

"Very well then, let's go. And you, leave that poor crocodile alone!"

"*Muffled disappointment as she puts him down and waves goodbye to him*"

"If we travel with a bit of pace, we can reach the end of this horrendous swamp before sunset."

Towards sunset...

"Ugh, Salter... how much more..."

"Well, if the map is scaled correctly and if we proceeded at top speed throughout our entire walk... I'd say we're around halfway."

"H-Halfway? Are you joking?"

"Look at my miserable expression and tell me that I'm joking."

Gilgamesh sighed, as he could feel Nero constantly pocking his shoulder to try and catch his attention. He groaned and turned around.

"WHAT IS IT NOW?!"

Nero brought forward a dog-sized elephant, staring at him with the same cutesy eyes that Nero was making.

"For the last time... STOP PICKING UP RANDOM ANIMALS!"