40. Wouldn't It Be Good.

I woke up, several times when Adam or Charles had moved away from me and it took time for me to fall asleep. I was in no magnificent space in my mind and I was too tired to try to be strong. It took three weeks of sleeping with them, to get my body in better shape and that cortisol level dropping off to a safe level so my enzymes were recovering. No need for me to get platinum in my liver or something.

When I woke up properly, I kept a close eye on it. I had always someone with me, pretty much whatever I was doing or wherever I was. It was either one of my fours or then number two or five, those two wanted to care for me, and let's say that my showers were short, and I had always my clothes chosen for me, my hair was fixed, I was fed to the hilt and made sure that I drank blood and plenty of it. Pretty much I was almost fed up being fangs in someone's neck, drinking 20-40 liters of their powerful blood in one go. Well, my vampire side did appreciate it, very much so, and I could feel it getting stronger. 

I was sitting in my bead room knitting again when Mariella walked in. I was surprised, and I had just gotten started to knit Damon's sweater. This was so a good chair to sit on.

Mariella came in, sit on the other chair that I had and said, " Well, I am sorry, the whole thing putting you care of others and taking everyone to care for me but I am what I am. I can't always help myself. I see you are getting better. "

I looked at her and said, "Are you tender still? You are pale, sitting very gingerly there and making big explanations to me, so my guess is our husband showed you a little lesson about what he thinks about your behaviour."

She nodded.

And said, "He was brutal, I am still sore, and that was the lesson that sank once. He is not too happy about that pheromone. He might have something to say to you, too."

I sighed, looked at wall and said, "Did you know that we used have with Damon, slow seductions, they were originally our thing. He pretty much forgot them when you came and he became a lust creature. I was just reminiscing about our old days. He had little problems with me."

Mariella looked at me and said, "Care to share? I want to hear what he was back then. "

I chuckled and said, "Well, we were once going on our sex nest to have a few weeks' wild time. I was just a naughty wife the whole damn drive. I licked his fingers, scratched him, and touched him until he could not take it. He usually stopped car and fucked me to bits, several times when I just could not behave myself. It was fun. But he is not the same, not one of them is. That was my Damon."

Mariella smiled. Her eyes were white as she was looking into the past, seeing our brief trip. She said eventually, " That was goddamn hot. You two had a spark. You truly did."

I said, "Yeah, sex best and fucking machine had their time. But that is history. A long time ago. Despite everything that I have sacrificed in the name of love and whatever, I am more that Mimi than he is that Damon. I am not the same, but that is more of me and I still like to seduce slowly. I remember when we went to our first party with Adam and Charles, with our belt thing. We made fashion, and it was all night-long seduction. Goddamn, I was wet. Of course, things were a little more complicated as Bran had given Marrok order to Samuel and Charles not to fuck with me, but we had our hands, mouths, and Mimosa. "

Mariella watched again our party, saw Damon with that hag and she was frowning as she watched the past.

I said to her, "That was Maggie, Sister of Annaliese, Damon's sire, and she was bitter as Damon had done to Annaliese so she was just sleeping and waking every 400 years for two years. She did not love him, she used him, like they all did, but I was wondering if he still had the need. I should test one day." 

Mariella said, "Old hag, what need? Are you planning on seducing him slowly, or what?"

I smirked and said, "Nope. It is one thing that Damon used to do to unload, but I should find his special phone first before I could set him up and maybe, if he was not interested, other salvatores might be."

Mariella looked at me curiously, and said, "My guess is you will not tell me more, but can I help? What phone you are looking for, so I might be able to find it with the spell."

I said, "His girl's phone. Where he had his many girlfriends' phone numbers. "

Mariella looked at me and said, "I can find it for you, so Damon has no idea, but are you sure about this? "

I nodded and said, "If he is not in it, I guess that numbers two and five are at least, maybe nine and ten too. So I have my backup plan, but this is a surprise, not a word to salvatore. You will see a whole new side of him. Maybe it would help him unload. It is not nice to know that he was put in a shed session machine. Plus, he was a just doctor as he robbed me from Charles's arms, so he might need some other ways to unload than fucking."

Mariella said, "It will take a few days for me to do the magic and see if I can find it. If only I could find out what it looked like." 

I said, "Well once we had planned, or men had planned the Christmas Party and I was pretty naughty mood, this was after I had gotten married with Charles and Adam."

Mariella saw my memory and looked into the past. I could smell white wine and peaches. She was getting pretty wet with my little games.

She smiled and said, "Oh my god what a naughty bitch you have been. Mistress should treat you one day. If you ever would do that when I am around, I would show you. But fine, I saw that phone and I can link to it, so I will tell you if it still exists, and you can show me that unloading."

She stood up and walked away. I was knitting, reminiscing about our good times and how different he was. I was, of course, changed and our relationship had taken big blows from Damien, but from me, too. I did break us up more or less as I chased Damien, but it was a sacrifice that I was willing to make. Of course it cost for me too. My love for Damon had never wavered but his love for me, took a big hit and I am not sure if it would ever be same that it was before. I am an eternal masochist, knowing very well that he loves Mariella, and stronger than ever, but part of me, still yearns that old him. 

I remember my little seduction in the kitchen sitting, watching him cooking and letting him take one button at the time from my blouse, kissing me. It took time and self control. I should do it once with Charles. To see if he has self restraint to cook and do it slowly. I was knitting, remembering all the good times when number two came to fetch me to dinner. His nostrils flickered, and his gaze was heated.

He whispered in my ear, "Little bitch, try me one day, and I can pretty much that you are the one with no self-restraint."

I just smiled. innocently. Of course, when one lives in a pack of telepaths, sometimes it is fun to tune them up, and properly and then be innocent and sweet. I had just gotten my smoothies, and I was sipping them when Mariella and number one walked into the kitchen. Number five had a long knife in his hand and he was looking at my button down blouse with his ice blue gaze that was pretty lusty. 

Number one was looking at this scene and Mariella was all over him, kissing him, seducing him more or less. Number five came closer and put the tip of the knife under one of my buttons, flicked it off, and opened my blouse as far as possible. Mariella stopped seducing, she was watching us; she was heated, again peaches and white wine smelled in the air. I had granny panties, so strawberry and champagne did not smell so much, but I was wet. 

Charles was smiling at me. He could sense my state of being via our bond as well as Adam or boys, but not one of them let it show. It seemed that the name of the game was slow seduction and see what I could take. Fine. My neurosis about medical procedures went pretty much back in my mind when my body reacted to this seduction. Number two stood up, came to me, took my hand, and licked my wrist first, before tasting my blood. It was a damn hot business. 

Number one asked Charles via telepathy, "What is going on, why everyone is pretty seducing Mimi?"

Charles answered, " Therapy, that poor girl, is messed up as it is. Boys have been monitoring her mind, and what she is thinking, so it is time for distraction. She doesn't need to think about how to make herself tolerate medical procedures, she doesn't need to all the time try to push every freaking terrible memory down. She needs pleasure, teasing, relaxing. Her mind might work better when she is less stressed. After three weeks sleeping in my arms, or Adam's, there was still cortisol in her blood."

Number one was silent. He had no idea. He had had his own trauma to handle, his victimhood. It had taken a lot out of him, and he was still not sure if he was fine with that. It seemed that the experience had taken a lot out of them all. He was not sure what to do next. He was jealous, those who were seducing Mimi, he wanted to be one to take her, but then again, Mariella had told him about a few memories of Mimi and he remembered those times too. They had taken it slow. It was something that set Mimi off. He was way too impatient nowadays. He was not sure if the fuckfest would help Mimi at all. 

I was eating finally after my husbands had given me food and smoothies and everything. They did set me off, but one look from number one and seduction died pretty much off; I had no idea what was that, but it was what it was. Jealousy or what? But everyone got some food in front of them and started to eat. Number one feeding Mariella. Seducing her. Feel free. Charles looked at me, he was little apologetic but it was fine. If the pack leader decided I don't need sex, that's it, then I shall not fuck, but there are consequences to that, too. I might not be in the mood for heat, whatever heat it would be. My willpower is strong enough to overcome his will in my body if I really decide it.

Despite that, I had recovered, got my head together, and practiced doggedly every day with Charles' help to learn to tolerate the blood test and the cannulation. This kind of messing in my personal life was enough to wake up my rage. I could use my rage pretty much as I wanted, and I had used my pretender side to help me learn medical procedures, and although it was just as hard every time, somehow Charles' support helped.

It was easier after a week. It was still nowhere near what it should be, but progress, progress, progress. I ate under very close supervision and knitted, did the hamster store stuff, and became my best helper again. Although Charles was supportive and was my security, I realized that so much of this stuff is down to my attitude, and I just have to be patient and take it slow but persistent.

Yes, I understand that everyone in the whole pack wants to help, but the three of us, Me, Damon, and Adam, went through the trauma, and for Damon, it is such a new experience that it is taking him a while to get his head around it. I don't mind that. Let them mate, be together, and recover, and I can show them that when I get my attitude right, then I can get better, too. 

 I could see at a glance that Damon wasn't ready for any kind of heat yet, at least one with me, even.

Those two would need time together and a lot, so I wasn't surprised when Damon said, " I think the wisest thing now is to take a holiday, just for the sake of recovery, and then see where it goes after the holiday. I know that me and Adam at least still have some work to do on things, and you, Mimi, I don't know, you like to bury everything so fucking deep, and now I can't be bothered to dig it up so you can be left alone now. There's no need to fear the heat or reproduction, for that matter. This is going to take time, and here goes what goes."

Ah, yes, a little snarky had to be thrown in. Well, I'm a strong girl, and I can take that too. I looked at Damon and said, "I know better than you think I do if you're willing to believe it. I'm not an ice queen. I've been putting up with the procedures this week. When comes to heat, and reproduction, if my nose smells right, Mariella and wolves are pregnant so this little, "holiday" would take place in Ireland's Castle where you would have breeding season and lie to my face to have fucking holiday. Feel free, for your information. I have assets, safe houses and such, under my aliases, so if you ever feel the need to throw me out of this pack again, I have something to already in place. Go have a breeding season. I will go through my houses and hotels and such, I can say it out loud. Not hiding anything. What comes to my memories, I must hide them, otherwise I am unable to act. I do have my memory, but you have no idea what it is to live with it. You just take it personal insult when I'm not sharing everything with you when you can't take it. You are almost begging me to make you throw me out of this pack again!"

I had to get a little bit to recite so well inspired. Damon looked at me for a moment, and then I was quiet. I ate my food as I should have. I had moved away from Damon because I wanted my privacy. I was sick and tired of having lied to my face all the time. Damon was quiet, and thinking things through. I could smell burning fabric, meaning Lepard's vampire side was out, and he was about to lose it. He had not seen this coming, and he was not in the mood for the breeding season without me. He had been the one to put me to sleep every single night, purred next to me, shielding my mind the entire night so nightmare got through. 

Damon said, "Fine, busted. Yes, I was planning to have the breeding season in Ireland, as you are reluctant to breed, not in shape, and your mind is not in order yet. What comes to your tiny houses and such? You can sure missy that we shall look at that when we come back. I am not throwing you out, not really, but I am impatient. That was just horrible for me. And I have no idea how in the world you can take that shit in your mind. I do want to help you too, I really do, but you won't let me."

I said, "Because you do not know how to help me. It does not help me fade those memories, god knows I have had awful things done to me over the decades but the gist is that every time something like this happens it brings this feeling, all of these old memories, feelings, not necessarily from that experience but old ones, pieces of them. Lepard has slept next to me, every night, shielding my mind so I can sleep so my cortisol would drop fully down, but now this. Well, it is up to me to get my mind some order when you take my family out of me, my support, my security, leaving me to fend for myself, just because Mariella wants to have cubs. I can smell pheromones so damn clearly, I get so much information out of them."

He said nothing but focused on eating and Mariella had stopped seducing him. She was ashamed; I knew she had not looked at that phone, or then she had told about that to Damon, but fine. I can do this. I can fend for myself, or actually, I don't have to. I have my people, my five, ready to support me.

I said pretty artic voice, " I am so goddamn thankful that I have Wulfe, Colin, Magnum, Murdock and Dexter. and they will be more than willing to spend time with me, I must just tell Colin about my cortisol and my enzymes so he can look. At least Wulfe can offer me security so I can sleep."

Number two smirked at me, as well as number five. Charles looked relieved. Adam was bursting with seams with rage, and Lepard was way too quiet. Way too quiet. Demon was looking at Damon with a haughty coolness in his gaze. His vampire side was too out.

Damon snarled, "Fine. You go have fun with your second pack. I know that this breeding season will be perfect. It will be in a perfect place, with perfect females, and wonderful cubs. I am not sure when we want you to come back." 

I did not faze. My alpha female side had a mind of her own and she was planning something pretty damn naughty and I was not sure if I would even contact my five at all. My castle on one island near New Guinea was just a perfect place. There had been searched magic house so there was a bubble and fine. I could do this.

Number two said in my mind, "Baby, I wish I could be there with you, but number one is messed up as you see, not sure what this end up of being, but you have darn naughty plan." 

I replied to him, "My alpha side, she is a real bitch, and I must admit, I am all in. I am so ready for this."

Number one had soon eaten, and he waited when everyone was ready. Mariella was in his arms, his hand on her belly, looking at me coldly. I controlled my expression. This would be pretty much perfect. It was time for me to enjoy my life.