Assassin in my Heart

I write this letter to you, my dear reader, so that I don't leave this world without no-one ever really knowing me.

I fear my time has come to disappear and leave this place.

Unknown to me, time has become my enemy. The same time I have wished a thousand wish to go faster.

I don't know what I want to say or where I'm going with this.

It's sad when you think about it. But I tend to smile when I'm sad. A mechanism I developed all these years.

I won't tell you where I live but I hope you can imagine after I tell you my story.

I was a girl born in a loving home, a home which soon shatter into broken pieces of mirror which would scar my inner self.

I had a younger brother. It was just us.

I grew up happy until my parents moved away from my grandparents and settled elsewhere. There I experienced what it's like to have a drunk father. I learnt how to stand up for my mother and myself, even if I get the bruises. Somehow he never hurts my brother (maybe it's because he's his only son?). I use to think my mother should have left at that moment. But she stayed. She stayed till the end.

I told myself I would never be like my mother, hopelessly in love and even staying after many hit.

All my years growing up, my father took in other women, more then 3 and had multiple lovers. He didn't even divorce my mother because it was too "expensive" . My mother left him a couple of times but she always came back.

So, as I said, it wasn't the best home or house. I never really felt at home there or anywhere. Until that time.

It became better when my father stopped drinking. We were a Christian family and my mother, brother and I would pray that he would stop drinking. I was so happy. But like all things on this place, nothing is forever.

My happiness fade when my father even when not drunk, would still argue with my mother. My mother becoming no better than him. I realised my parents were just childish.

When my brother and I argue as it's what siblings do, my mother would say we were the devil's children and hit us both. But as the older one, after the anger dissipated, I would talk to my brother why he acted in such a manner in a calm tone and he would explain why he behaved like that and we would settle our differences just like that.

My parents wanted me to be a financial support for them. So whenever they pay for my education, they would highlight the importance of completing the course and put pressure on me to get a job soon. They would make it sound like I was an investment and I own them all their efforts for raising me.(Please, if you cannot raise a child or is not emotionally and mentally and physically not stable, there are kind people who are willing to adopt them)

But as soon as I try to take an interview, they would be against it.

I don't know how to choose what to study because all my life I've lived doing what they want. When I turned an adult, my mother told me to marry for the sake of money, not for love, not for loyalty. She told me stability was important and I agree, it was important.

But the world is changing now, I don't need stability from someone else when I can make myself stand on a solid foundation.

When I finished school and went to college,

my parents didn't want me to leave them so I studied nearby. I use the public transport and never had the form experience.

Sometimes I hear all the horrible things they say to me when I was just a child. I shouldn't have never been born to you're not my daughter to you will not be going to school anymore but I am offended by your attitude. I was a teenager.

But don't worry for now, because I am happy to say I got an employment.

You have reached here to the point where I end bits and pieces of my life before.

Now I want to tell you about my life after all this. So I will write you another letter again.