51

Convolution 5.5

I went to the fridge and took out a couple of ice cream packs, then brought them to her where she sat sulking on the sofa.

"Really?" She asked, shaking her head.

"What? They taste great, and with your new Bionanite Swarm, I don't have to worry about getting heart disease," I said, opening a pack for myself.

The Bionanite Swarm was the focus of her research over the past week, an all-purpose body optimization and enhancement network. It was a line of research that extended from Amelia's prior use of her body's friendly bacteria as a way to bypass the Manton Limit, which she thought would be more fruitful than trying to make a full living symbiotic armour. Given my understanding of its capabilities so far, I was inclined to agree. For now, the two of us were only ones equipped with the Advanced Bionanite Swarm. Taylor received a basic version that lacked nerve connections, conscious control and dependent features, because those functions didn't work for her and posed a potential safety hazard, with our current hypothesis being some sort of conflict with her bug control senses.

Amelia didn't touch the ice cream and instead turned on the TV, flipping through the channels rapidly. Too fast to see anything meaningful.

I waited without saying anything for a few minutes.

"Really?" I asked.

"What? I'm just looking for something decent to watch."

"You've already circled back to the first channel twice now."

She turned it off.

I sighed. "Amelia, what are you really upset about?"

"Didn't I already say it earlier?"

"I don't think you really believe Paige is a threat. She's just a victim. We've taken all the precautions we can anyway. She's harmless."

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"And she helped us a lot. Without her, we wouldn't have gotten Offensive Bias. You should be nicer to her."

"Whatever. You got what you wanted, didn't you? You want her to stay and now she's afraid of leaving because I told her we'd have to erase her memories."

"Yes. You know me so well. I wouldn't be saying anything if you were just playing bad cop to my good cop, but you clearly weren't with that tantrum at the end."

"It wasn't a tantrum. I was just sharing my opinion."

"OK. Tantrum or not, you were genuinely upset. Are you still jealous of her?"

"I'm not jealous and never was!"

I said nothing in response, instead continuing to eat my ice cream.

The silence dragged on.

Eventually, I finished my ice cream.

"We aren't just a small team of three anymore, you know? We've become a large organization. We have an army of soldiers, capes on our payroll, and many more employees through the businesses we own. We haven't even started recruiting people and we're already this big. An organization like this needs strong leadership. Heroux, Reynolds, and the captains can handle the soldiers and execute missions, Offensive Bias can maintain our power base, and Calvert once he's converted can be a big help too. But none of them can lead CRUCIBLE. The vision, the goals, the hard decisions, and giving inspiration…that responsibility falls to us as the founders, or else we risk losing control. If you're going to lead CRUCIBLE in the future, you will have to compromise and get along with people. You have to think of the big picture and build a circle of allies within to support you. Someone like Canary could be among your biggest and most loyal assets," I said.

"I don't want to lead anything. I'm not cut out to be a leader."

"You're already a leader of CRUCIBLE. You were famous and well-liked even before, people would rally to you if you held up a banner. You have a great power, suitable for being in the spotlight, a power that can support others and gain their trust and loyalty yet fight together with them on the front lines. People would respect that. I'm just an armchair general most of the time."

"But I don't even know what to do with my own life. How am I supposed to lead anyone else? Sure I have a strong power, but I have no vision or no charisma. The public likes me because they don't know me. All my 'friends' at school were actually just Vicky's friends or just wanted to be seen with 'the famous Panacea'. I can't get along with anyone. Not even my own family."

"What about Taylor?"

"She'll probably hate me sooner or later, once she really gets to know me."

"You don't know that. She likes and respects you now. You might even become best friends."

"Not if she ever finds out about my sick fantasies and urges. She only likes me now because she still thinks of me as a selfless healer who happens to have more than just healing powers. She actually buys in to the whole 'wanting to make a bigger impact' story you had me spew in front of the PRT HQ."

"But it's not wrong, is it? You joined CRUCIBLE to help me save the world."

"I didn't have much of a choice, after running away from home. That doesn't make me a good person."

"But you could have quit at any time, if you truly wanted to. You had more than enough money since I took down Coil for you to run away again and live comfortably for the rest of your life. You didn't have to fight the ABB or Dragonslayers. But you did and you're still here."

"Why are you trying so hard to make me sound like a good person?" She growled.

"Why are you trying so hard to make yourself out to be a horrible person? You haven't done anything to deserve it," I countered.

"Because I am! Every day I imagine a new horrible way to use my power. Every time I touch someone I get the urge to do a little more. You say I'm in control, you get me to practice safely and slowly and responsibly, but it's not working! I'm losing control each time. I'm not even sure what I did to the last guy I was supposed to reform, cause I was angry and couldn't think straight and I was too scared to tell you about it—"

'Uh-oh,' Agate said. 'Maybe you shouldn't let her use her power on you for awhile. I can't protect you from her power.'

My eyes widened, and she continued.

"—because I'm petty, and selfish, and yes I'm fucking jealous, because even when she's crazy Canary can still do a better job than me and you knew that. I just can't live up to your expectations." She stopped to catch her breath.

"That's okay. I never expected you to use your powers for reforming villains. If you aren't ready after all, it's not a big deal. What's wrong with letting Canary do it? You're important to the team and important to me regardless."

"What's wrong is that I know you wish I could be better than that! But I can't just believe in myself and forget my doubts and keep going like Taylor can, because I know everything's going to go wrong and then you'll really be disappointed."

"You are perfectly fine the way you are, Amelia. Everyone has issues, that's completely natural."

"Sure. Everyone has issues. My issues are just so much bigger than everyone else's. If you're so happy with how I am right now, then why didn't you just tell me to reform Coil and Bakuda a long time ago?"

"I thought you weren't ready? The last time I suggested something like that—"

"Yeah! Last time I had a fucking mental breakdown and almost killed you, and now you act like you're walking on eggshells around me, always careful not to seem like you're pushing me too fast, not to say the wrong things, or else I'll lose my mind again. And I probably will. That's why you came to me, isn't it? That's why you keep trying to convince me I'm a good person. You want to change the future. Stop me from destroying the world. Yeah. That must be the real reason you want Canary around. She's your insurance in case you can't bring out the good in me. I was always going to become a villain in the end."

"Woah, woah, slow down. What are you talking about? It's Scion that's going to destroy the world, not you. You would have helped to save it."

"Really? Give me your hand and tell me that I would have helped saved the world if you didn't interfere with the timeline. And don't try to trick me again. I thought carefully about what you said the first time and I know what you did. You only said I would be critical to the world's future, not that I would be on the good side. I want a straight answer this time!"

I looked at her outstretched arm and visibly hesitated while I thought through my next steps. While I definitely believed she helped save the world, I might have a hard time if she decided to ask anything else. What was the right way to handle this?

"I wasn't trying to trick you. I—"

"What? Now that you know I fucked someone up you're afraid of me now? Well you should be! 'Cause I'm—"

No time for further deliberation.

I grabbed her hand.

She fell silent and her eyes slowly roamed from the point where our hands touched up to my eyes. With the enhanced senses granted to me by the bionanites, and the connection our bionanite networks shared, I felt the pulse of her heart spike from 100 to 130 beats per minute.

There was a reflexive attempt to jerk away that her own bionanites suppressed at the muscle nerves, maintaining her body's stability instead of allowing her to start shaking with anxiety.

"Amelia, you would have played a critical role in the defeat of Scion, if I didn't interfere with the timeline," I said firmly.

She breathed deeply to steady herself.

"Was I a hero then?"

"You were a hero in my eyes."

"So nobody else did. How did I get out of the Birdcage?"

"Everyone in the Birdcage was given amnesty if they were willing to join the fight against Scion. I don't know the details beyond that."

"So I was in there the whole time up to the end."

"The person who saved the world. How did she do it? How could one person save the world from Scion?"

"…it wasn't exactly one person. She was able to control every other cape in the world with her power."

She slouched as if losing the strength to sit up.

"You mean…she Mastered everyone..."

"Yes."

"…and she didn't let them go after the fight."

"Kind of. She lost her mind in the process."

Amelia threw my hand away and backed away with an angry and painful expression.

"Why are you going so far for me? Isn't it obvious that I'm hopeless? I should just die before I lose my mind and enslave everyone!" she shouted as she teared up.

"You've got the wrong idea," I said, moving forward to try and grab her hand again.

She dodged me and backed away with wide eyes. "No! Don't touch me!"

I hastily retracted my hand. "Look, it wasn't you, alright?"

"Yeah, it's just the monster hiding inside of me! Like that makes any difference!"

"No, that's not what I mean. It was somebody else."

"So it's just a coincidence that I also have the power turn every cape in the world into a loyal puppet? And just a coincidence that I'm also going to be eighteen in two years when it happens?"

"Yeah. Only because you have a late birthday."

"Bullshit! Why won't you just say who it was then? Why hide it from me?"

"Fine. It was Taylor, okay?"

"Her power doesn't even work on capes! If you're going comfort me with a lie, at least make it believable!"

"I'm not lying. Her power doesn't work on capes right now, but you can modify it."

"No I can't!"

"You've never even tried, how would you know that? You just need to modify her Corona Pollentia."

"That's insane! Nobody knows how the Corona Pollentia works!"

"Bonesaw did a lot of research on it. She helped—"

"That's the best story you can come up with? What kind of monster did I become that working with Bonesaw to experiment on Taylor's brain is the better scenario?"

"No—it's not better—I mean, you have to remember the context, it was a fight for the survival of humanity—"

"Who was I to you?" She cut me off with a quiet and steady tone.

"What?"

"Who was I to you?" She asked me again.

"I don't understand."

"Just what did I mean to you, that you would throw away humanity's impossible victory just for a chance to save me?"

"You think I'm a time traveler?"

"It fits."

"What makes you say that? I thought I told you I came from another plane of existence."

"Because it's a lot more believable than you coming from a different, completely unrelated, 'plane of existence' that just happens to have 'records' about the future of this plane. Everything makes perfect sense if you travelled back in time. You know things about the future, but you're not a precog. You're not a cape, because you would have triggered in the future. Your 'wand' isn't magic, it's space-time manipulating Tinkertech that came back with you. You know so much about me, because you met me in the future."

"That's a pretty good theory," I said with an amused smile. "You must have spent a lot of time trying to figure it out."

"So then, were we…"

Her eyes darted away for a moment before returning hesitantly to my face, where I held a steady gaze to her and her eyes darted away again. "…were we…?"

"Lovers, you mean?" I suggested with a quirked eyebrow.

I thought her expression just then looked just a bit hopeful. It was unfortunate that I had to squash that hope. In the long-run, it would be better for her to know the truth.

"But we don't have the right orientation match. You can't fall in love with me."

"I…could fix that," she said softly.

"I know, Amelia. But we were not lovers, and I am not a time traveler. Your theory is good, but it isn't correct. Outlandish it may be, what I told you before was the truth. I am a traveler from a different plane of existence."

She looked at once both disappointed and irritated again. I pressed on.

"I didn't come here for you, or on some grand quest to change the future. You once asked me if I really wanted to save the world or if I would rather just go back home. Back then, I was trapped in here with everyone else, and I didn't have much of a choice but to take up the fight for the sake of my own survival. If you aren't a good person for helping me because you had no choice, then neither am I. It's not like I care any more than you do about the nameless masses out there."

"So, what are you trying to say? We're both bad people?"

"No. It's not evil to be selfish. It's human nature."

"Selfish doesn't even begin to describe the kind of sick fantasies I have!"

"What is better – to be born good, or to overcome one's own evil nature through great effort?"

At my question, she at first looked confused, then stunned, and settled on simple silence.

"It is rare to find a righteous person, who does good for nothing but the good feelings it brings. But it is even rarer to find a person who cannot enjoy doing good, yet lives with the torment of holding back their true desires. What greater virtue is there, than to sacrifice one's right to the pursuit of happiness and condemn oneself to a living hell for the sake of strangers? That is what you have been doing all these years. I don't wish you were a better person, Amelia. I wish you would stop worrying so much and just allow yourself to be happy."

Another few seconds of silence, then it was like the floodgates had opened. Tears began streaming down her face, but they were quickly reabsorbed by her bionanites as they slid on her skin.

I walked over and pulled her into a hug. She didn't try to dodge this time.

"You've done enough. You don't need to keep holding yourself to an impossible standard," I whispered as she leaned her face into my chest.

"You have the right to be happy too," I continued while stroking her hair.

"So go ahead and be petty. Be selfish. Be jealous. I won't think any less of you, because I'm the same way."

"You're better," she said with a muffled voice.

"I hide it better. And I've had more time to figure things out. To come to terms with what I am."

"Then…you'll teach me?"

I gently lifted her hand with mine and moved so that I could see her face again. "Didn't I promise already? When you lose your way, I'll hold your hand and guide you."

"Yeah. You did," she said quietly. My gaze was locked to hers and I saw portrait of myself through a brown lens, a man in a small circular world empty but for himself, holding onto an outstretched hand coming from out of the circle's bounds, a black hole in his chest threatening to engulf the rest.

"Hey. Close your eyes for a moment."

"Huh? Why?"

"I'm going to guide you. Right now."

She nodded and closed her eyes.

"Clear your mind of stray thoughts. Focus on my voice and nothing else. There is nothing but my voice. Let my voice give you focus as you listen to each word. Now breathe deeply, so very deep until you can't breath anymore, and hold it." I waited for her to take in a lungful of breath.

"Now slowly breathe out. Very slowly. As slowly as you can, relax your body and breath out steady, steady, steady…and with each second passing you relax a bit more," I said, speaking softly and slowly. "Now focus on your breath and lightly breathe in again, and slowly breathe out, naturally and steadily. Just like that. With every breath out, you are relaxing more and more." I maneuvred into position to hold her as she relaxed.

"Relax your mind…relax your head. Relax your face…relax your eyes…relax your mouth and tongue. Your thoughts and worries are melting away from you with each and every breath as you relax more and more. Your eyelids are getting heavier. So incredibly heavy, because you're tired and just want to relax. And you are. You're relaxing so much you don't have the strength to open your eyes anymore. You keep relaxing. Relax your ears, relax your neck, relax your chest and arms and hands…your legs and your feet. The sound of my voice flowing through you like a wave of relaxation and comfort…and you know you can let me guide you with my voice. Let me guide you and take you along to the deepest relaxation you've ever had, to a place where everything is quiet and comfortable and peaceful."

She sagged into my arms. I opened a portal and slowly took her through even as I continued to speak to guide this meditative exercise.

On the other side, I jumped and floated into the air with her. "Everything that's been weighing you down has fallen away. You feel light without burdens, relaxing completely, away from everything. Here, there is silence. Your mind is clear. You are free. Can you feel it?"

We landed gently again like feathers in the wind.

"I'm free…" She murmured.

"You are free. Your power is quiet, and you are yourself and nothing more. Like having a refreshing nap, you are energized by the realization. You gain a new strength and vigour infusing every part of your body. Because you are free."

"I'm free…I'm free?" She reached for my hand with her other free hand as if trying to reassure herself that I was still here.

"I can't feel it anymore. What's going on? It's so quiet. My power…how?"

"You can open your eyes now."

She did, and gasped.

O O O