Fulgencio

"Hey, this is Phil Dunphy, again", Phil spoke into the phone, "I got cut off by your machine. I'm not sure where I left off but I'll try to be brief, as I do appreciate it when people do the same to me. Anyhow, your balloons are cutt-Damn it!", Phil screamed as the machine cut him off once again.

"Mom!", Like screamed as he entered the kitchen, walking past Phil as though he wasn't there, "Is anyone there?".

"I need her first!", Alex exclaimed, marching into the kitchen with a cage in her hand, "Mom!".

"She's out", Phil explained, looking at them with confusion.

"Why is she always gone when we need an adult?", Alex remarked as she set down the cage.

"What's with the cage?", Luke inquired.

"Alex has received the unfortunate opportunity of looking after Dorothy and Gregory for one week as part of her biology project", Zephyr announced as he strolled into the kitchen.

"Mom!", Haley shouted as she trudged into the kitchen, "Where are you?".

"It's just the four of us", Alex answered, blatantly ignoring Phil's presence.

"Five", Phil murmured, looking between Haley and Alex.

"I need her", Haley muttered.

"Rats", Like mumbled.

"I know, right", Haley complained.

"Desert Kangaroo Rats to be precise", Alex added, "I'm meant to observe how they've evolved and adapted to life in the desert. For extra credit, I'm planning on comparing them to city rats and explain why they've each evolved in different directions".

"I hate to break it to you, but we have more worrying things to worry about, like where's mom?", Haley snarked.

"Guys!", Phil exclaimed, "I'm right here. What do you need?".

"It's okay", Alex muttered, waving him off.

"It's fine now", Luke added, shaking his head.

"Never mind", Haley finished, getting ready to leave.

"No! No no no no no no", Phil yelled, stopping everyone in their tracks, "Everyone. Sit down and grab some pizza. We're going to talk about this".

"Fine", Alex muttered, taking a seat on the chair with Zephyr shrugging and sitting beside her.

"Sure", Luke nodded, sitting down as well.

"Urgh", Haley groaned, "Make it quick".

"Listen", Phil began, taking a seat alongside everyone else, "I know you guys like going to Mom because she's Ms. Tough Gal, the problem solver".

"She gets results", Alex stated.

"Yes. She does. She does. You're right", Phil agreed, "Like the last time we got pizza from our favourite place. Remember that? We got shortchanged, she cursed a blue streak and we got all our money back. How's that pizza over there?".

"It's okay", Alex answered.

"Pretty good", Haley added.

"It's okay", Luke continued.

"Not that good", Zephyr finished, "Gio's makes better ones".

"Liars!", Phil yelled, looking individually at Alex, Luke and then Haley, "It's garbage. That's not Scardino's, it's Scandoni's. Do you know why? Because you're Mom's little blow-up got us banned from Scardino's for life". Taking a moment to let things settle in, he turned to look at Zephyr and said, "I'll try Gio's the next time I got get pizza".

"So maybe Mom's way isn't the best way", Alex conceded, "But it's undeniable that she has consistently gotten results".

Phil sighed and ignored Alex's comment, "Why don't you guys tell me what's going on?".

[Commentary]

"I'm having a 60s-themed birthday party next week", Alex declared, "Hippies. Bell bottoms. Tie-dye". Pausing for a second, she continued, "Karen Sullivan heard about it and now she's having the same party. Tonight. Not groovy".

"I accidentally called my teacher Mommy", Luke explained, "My friend, Reuben, heard about it and went around telling everyone about it. Hey Reuben, remember that class trip to the zoo when the zebra rushed and you peed your pants? I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus ride home when you had to sit next to Mom-Ms Bockman damn it!".

"Our neighbour's out of town and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days", Haley began, "Now. I would just park it in her driveway but she's already got a camper and a cord of wood there. Pretty sure she's a lesbian. Anyways, easy money, right?". Haley paused for a second before mimicking a buzzer, "You'd guess wrong. She has a stupid boat attached to her car and I ended up snapping one of the branches of her precious lemon tree. She boils the leaves to add a scent to her own work boot oil. Did I mention that she plays in two softball leagues? Because she does".

[Commentary ends]

"Now. What are you guys going to do? Are you going to have your mom go around and shout at all these people and burn all these bridges?", Phil asked, "You should talk to them. Appeal to their human side and calmly explain your perspective. Once you've done that, I'm sure they'll listen to you. So, the choice is pretty simple, huh?".

For the next few moments, the table was encompassed by silence, before Haley stood up, "So she's out all day?".

"I'll try her cell", Alex muttered, going to grab her phone.

"It's off", Luke remarked, "I messaged her while Dad was talking".

Watching their retreating forms, Zephyr stood up and patted Phil on the shoulder, "Wake up to reality. Nothing ever goes as planned". Giving Phil a moment to digest his words, Zephyr walks away before pausing at the doorway, "By the way, make sure to wear a fedora for the next part. It'll make things very Godfather-like".

Seeing Phil in a trance-like state, Zephyr nodded his head and walked up the stairs. Standing up, Phil looked ahead of him, gazing at the conveniently placed Godfather poster on the wall. Walking forward, Phil gently caressed the poster, his fingers tracing the words, before resolutely nodding and walking out of the room. Walking down the hallway, Phil stopped in front of a rack a put on a black fedora, also conveniently placed. Taking his phone out, he quickly dialled someone, and as soon as it was answered, he said, "Dylan. Get the car over here". Not even waiting for a reply, he swiftly hung up the phone. 

Strutting up the stairs, he opened the door to Luke's room. "What?!", Luke exclaimed, somewhat frustrated by Claire's absence from the house. 

"The plans changed", Phil answered, his voice more deeper than normal, "Put on the suit I got you for a few months ago. We've got work to do".

Luke, although somewhat confused, nodded and closed the door as he directed Phil out. While this was happening, Phil was being observed by Zephyr and Alex, with the latter recording the conversation on her phone. Seeing Phil headed towards the stairs, Zephyr and Alex quickly sneaked away from the door and quietly closed it. 

Alex released a sigh of relief once she heard the sound of the door being locked, "That was so close ... and exhilarating". 

"I know", Zephyr agreed, "Now all we have to do is watch the dominos fall". 

"Is it always this fun messing around with people?", Alex inquired, "If it is, I might have to do it more often". 

"Look at you!", Zephyr exclaimed, "Finally giving in to the dark side". 

Alex rolled her eyes. "Don't push things. I might just play you instead", Alex teased. 

"As if", Zephyr arrogantly scoffed, "There's no way I'm going to lose to a rookie like you. My ability to direct a person towards a desired outcome is unmatched. The chances of you beating me at my own game are closer to 0% than 1%". 

Alex snorted in return, "Don't get overconfident. In the end, the tortoise beat the hare". 

Zephyr rolled his eyes in return to her analogy but opted not to provide an answer. Deciding to direct the conversation, he asked, "Do you think your Dad and Luke are going to ruin Sullivan's birthday party?". 

"I hope so", Alex remarked, "That bitch deserved it after copying the idea you and I spent hours deciding on".