Chapter 49

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" Kyle? You almost done?" 

We'd just picked him up from his house not too long ago. It was literally the first time he had called to ask if we could hang out. I had asked my mom to drive me over to his house thinking we'd be hanging out there before his mom returned, but instead he had met us outside and walked over to the car. It was clear he didn't want to stay there. And throughout the ride he had been too silent. Only answering when my mom asked him something. And those little smiles had all been fake. I knew his smiles, they were a factor about him I really liked. 

" Just a sec!" He shouted from inside the washroom. It was the first place he'd gone to when we got home. I went back to my bed and sat, waiting...then I narrowed my eyes in thought. 

He wasn't okay. 

Something was wrong, I could feel it in my gut. And it was classic Kyle behavior to hide away when he wasn't okay. I stood up, then I slowly walked back to the door. It had been more than ten minutes since he walked in. 

" I'm coming in, " I announced before reaching for the knob. He loudly warned me against doing so, and it was then that I heard the crack in his voice. It fueled me with the desire to get to him as fast as I could, but he had locked that door from the inside. 

" Kyle! Come on, just open up. "

" I'll just be a sec, I already told you. "

" Open it up!" 

He didn't, and I felt a little bit frustrated and a lot concerned. There were a lot of things my eleven year old self didn't like, and seeing Kyle sad ranked very highly in that particular list. And I hated the fact that he was shutting himself away like that. He knew I was and always would be there for him. I always told him everything that I went through, actually, sometimes I felt as if I overshared. But it was okay because it was Kyle, so why couldn't he be the same way with me. 

" Just let me in Stevens, " I said after a long while. Picturing him in that state was horrible. And I wondered what could have happened even though I pretty much knew. There could be no other reason behind him calling so randomly and asking to hang out, especially when we were supposed to meet later that evening. 

" You know I have the key, right?" 

I didn't even know where exactly it was, I had thrown it somewhere ages ago and it must have gotten lost among my things, but he didn't know that. His response was pure silence, I sighed, then I told him I was gonna get the key and I walked back to my bed, making my footsteps as loud as I could so that he could know I wasn't joking around. The door was unlocked before I even got there. I stopped and turned around, he was holding onto the knob, his head bowed and an almost tangible wave of sadness surrounding him. He slowly let go of the knob, then he wrapped his right hand around his left upper arm and walked into my room, heading straight for my dressing table and sitting down before he flipped open a comic book I had thrown there and pretended to be busy concentrating on it. I shook my head. Then I approached him, holding the back of the wooden chair and staring at his reflection in the mirror. 

" Stevens?" 

He looked up. Finally. But then I immediately wished he hadn't. The only thing I hated more than him pushing me away was seeing him cry. It shredded me apart, and knowing that his mom was behind it made things even worse. He shook his head, his silent way of asking me to neither say nor ask anything. Then he glanced back and looked up at me.

" Hug me?" 

Just two words. I had heard them from him a number of times but never with that sort of desperation. I wrapped my arms around both him and the chair, holding onto him as tightly as I could. He placed his hands on my arms and closed his eyes, I felt very relieved when he didn't cry because I doubted I'd have been able to handle that well. 

His fingers were literally attempting to dig into my skin. And he kept leaning further back against the chair even though he had reached the limit, so it wasn't surprising that I could understand what he was trying to achieve. Without letting go, I shifted till I was beside him, knowing that the new angle would bring him much closer. Which it did. He instantly buried his head in my chest, I still didn't say anything because he didn't need words. Plus there was also the fact that I genuinely sucked when it came to offering verbal comfort. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me imposingly closer. Normally Kyle liked to keep his distance, but when he became touchy, he always took it to an entirely new level, just as he currently was. I threaded my fingers into his hair and kept them there, feeling confident that he was feeling much better,but then he spoke and I started to doubt it. 

" Austin?" 

The innocent and timid way in which he called my name forced me to try and pull back to stare at him. But he wouldn't let me, the second I tried pulling away he tightened his hold. He was basically squeezing me at that point, but I didn't mind. 

" Yeah?" I finally answered, thinking he'd speak immediately after, but he remained quiet for a while, and when he did speak, it was to say..

" Why do I still want more?" 

I darted my gaze around my room, completely confused because I didn't know what he was referring to. 

" More of what?" 

" Of this. Of you? "

" Me?" 

I couldn't conceal the shock from my voice. I wondered in what aspect he meant. Sometimes Kyle said some things that left me in complete awe, wondering if he actually meant what I thought he did. But those instances were so rare it was impossible to think anything of it. He nodded, then he finally let me go, but he still kept a hold of my arms. I looked at his reddened eyes and placed a hand on his cheek. He wouldn't tell me about it, that was a fact. 

" What do you mean you want more?" I risked asking, then I glanced at the door before I shot him a suggestive look , raising a brow before watching him expectantly. He must have realized what I was implying because he immediately shook his head and reached for his ear, rubbing it with great force, and I reached up and made him drop it because I feared he might hurt himself. 

" Not that! Stop thinking like that! " He added, I looked away and shrugged. 

" Then what?"

" I want..I mean.." he gestured to the space between us and I widened my eyes, still confused. He sighed and gave up. 

" Just let it be," he stated as he stood. Looking flushed and a little disappointed, but he still kept his hand on my shoulder and didn't walk away. His facial expression implied that there was still something he wanted. I was a bit slow at times, I needed to think things over. Which I did, then I finally got an understanding of what he meant. He needed more of me... he wanted me closer. As close as was physically possible because over time we had both come to realize that we just had to touch. Whether it was strange or not we didn't care, touch was a must. 

I looked around, wondering whether I ought to stand up and hug him again, he was looking at me with a look which suggested he was thinking something through, or he was trying to gather the courage to do something. And I spared him the trouble because an idea had just popped into my head. I sat down on the chair, then I looked at him and tapped my lap. 

" Come on, " 

Normal Kyle would have asked me to quit messing around. But this was the version of Kyle that enjoyed our secret games and didn't want them to end. He, as was his custom, walked over to the door first and made sure it was locked, then he came back to me and without saying a single word, sat with his legs on either side of me. I was taken aback for a second,but I regained my composure and held him back. That angle was something I had never before experienced... normally, we were only that close when I playfully got on top of him just to tease him. But this time the roles were reversed, and it was purely out of Kyle's free will. That made it feel so much deeper and meaningful. 

" Better?" I inquired and he nodded, his head tucked into my neck and almost every inch of his upper body in contact with mine. I felt his crazy heartbeat against my own. 

" This is nice," I admitted. My heart was pounding an alarming amount and I could hardly keep calm, yet I still found it nice. 

" Yeah,I thought I'd feel weird but I don't, " he added and I was glad. 

" Me neither. "

I ran my hand up and down his back. Then I finally considered it okay to ask him if he wanted to talk about whatever was troubling him. He shook his head and that marked the end of it. Kyle was like me when he didn't want to talk about something, almost nothing could make him change his mind. I decided to be a bit daring, so I slipped my hand under his shirt and placed my palm on his back. He sucked in a startled breath.

" Austin! What if your mom walks in. "

" You're sitting on my lap Stevens, that alone will shock her. "

He chuckled nervously. I wondered whether he had forgotten having locked the door. Which was even more suspicious.

" That's true..but let's say she actually walked in, what would you do?" 

He'd never asked me such a thing before. I thought about it, then I told him I wouldn't do anything. 

" If we act suspicious she'll really think that...you know, " 

I didn't finish the statement, partly because I didn't know which words to use and partly because he understood me either way. 

" This isn't just a hug, is it?" He finally asked. His voice low against the skin of my neck and his arms snaking around me even more. I sat up a little straighter so that he could wrap them around me much easier. 

" Nope, it definitely isn't. "

It didn't feel like just a hug. I knew what hugs felt like, I was well aware of the feelings they evoked, there was no way I could call that a hug because it definitely was not. My fingers trailed the warm skin of his back, he tensed up and grew rigid, but I didn't stop. 

He didn't want me to stop. 

" What is it then Austin? And why is it so confusing? "

Could I tell him? He was the smarter one between us yet he still hadn't figured it out. How was that even possible? In the end I decided it would be better to not say anything. A decision I had made countless times so far. He'd be too shocked and much more confused, there was no reason to do that to him. Not when he already had so much going on. 

"  Do you know  how that guy from Night chase always gets tired and you have to find those coins to keep him active in the game?" 

It was a game we had discovered and  played just the previous day. The first game that Kyle seemed to like even more than I did. He nodded without looking at me. His head still buried in my neck, heating up my skin each time he breathed out. 

" Those golden lifesavers?" He asked and I nodded. 

" Yeah, the golden lifesavers..think of this as your golden lifesaver. That way it won't be too confusing. "

He deeply breathed out, then he finally leaned back so that I could look at his face. It was frightening, him being that close. The entire thing was filling my head with thoughts I knew were wrong because we were way too young.

" This isn't my golden lifesaver....you are. "

My lips parted and I tried to think of an appropriate response. But I came out short. 

" I'm glad I have you Austin. "

He'd never really told me that before. It felt nice hearing the words from him since they acted as proof that I wasn't the only one feeling whatever was going on. I smiled, then I nodded my head assured him I was equally glad to have him. 

" You hungry? Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday and I bought you those crackers you like. "

" The large rectangular ones?" 

" Yap, should I go get them for you? You left the peanut butter here last time. "

" Later, let's just stay here for a while. "

He resumed his earlier position. I could only hold him back and smile. 

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