39. Lost

A/N: Hello, I have returned!

WarMasterTrey asked a long time ago for the Party to go to both a theme park and a beach and I took that and mixed it with a few of my own ideas and now here we are! RockloreOtter also asked when this fic was almost complete for the Party to go to the beach, so I hope this satisfies that as well! Sorry, this took so long, you two, and I hope you're okay with what I threw in there as well.

Also, I've never had a panic attack myself, but I wanted to tackle writing one, so to any of you who do experience them, I hope this doesn't offend you and I hope it's somewhat accurate.

As always, thank you all for all your support, I love you all and I hope you enjoy this!

"Do you ever wish you just...weren't here? Like...like you could just snap your fingers and instantly be in a new place?"

El glances up when Max speaks, studying her friend closely from where she sits cross-legged across from her. She smiles sadly and nods because it's almost comical how many times she's wished the same thing.

Today is one of Max's bad days. They've all been having them since...everything happened. Not a day seemed to go by without a flashback or a nightmare or paralyzing sadness or something striking out of nowhere and dragging them back to the places they worked so hard to get out of. It was a familiar routine they'd been through after the events of '83 and '84, but oh, what they wouldn't give to escape it. Needless to say, they were all scarred and painfully so.

El hadn't been in the best of places when Max had shown up at her doorstep, mumbling something about how hard it had been to get up that morning, the memory of Billy's final moments echoing relentlessly in her mind. Conveniently, El hadn't wanted to be alone either and so, they found themselves plopped on her bed, the silence growing heavy with the burden of their troubles.

Max's question becomes the first time either of them have spoken in half an hour. El sighs, fidgeting with the bracelet on her wrist before she softly replies, "All the time."

She wouldn't want to leave forever...heck no, there are too many people she loves here. But just to escape for even a few hours from the reminders of what she lost that are scattered all throughout town sounds like a heaven she would give anything for.

"Where would we go?" El asks curiously, arranging herself so she's laying on her side, her elbow propping her up. She's asking purely to get Max to think about something else, but a vision of a better place wouldn't hurt too bad.

"Florida," Max replies without hesitation. El's brow furrows and she tilts her head, urging her friend to continue. "It's another state. You know, like Illinois. And Indiana, where we are right now. Except this one is on the edge of the country. It's surrounded by the ocean, just like California. I want to see it again. I want to see the ocean and squish the sand between my toes and break the waves with my body and stay out in the sun for hours..." she drifts off, her eyes whimsical, staring at memories El can't see. "Why not go back to California?" she asks simply, although she has a feeling she knows what she's going to tell her.

"It's too much," Max replies softly after a few heavy moments of silence. "There's too much...pain there. Too many things to remember. But the beach was always one of the things that would help me forget. I...I want that again. Just not there." The longing in her voice sends a pang through El's heart and she tucks the name "Florida" back into the corners of her mind. "Tell me more about the beach," El whispers as Max rests her head against her shoulder.

She brought it up to Joyce that evening at dinner. "How expensive is it to go to Flor-id-a?" she pipes up, sounding the word out carefully, wanting to get it right. Her adoptive mother glances up at her, pausing mid-bite in a way that was strangely reminiscent of Hopper. "Well, I guess it depends. There's the price of an airplane ticket and a hotel room, plus all your meals and any activity you do...are you asking this because you want to go?" El just shrugs, pushing the food around on her plate. "Max was talking about it today," she says quietly. "I just...I just thought it'd be nice to get away from here. Just for a little while." She watches hesitantly as Joyce nods slowly, biting at her lip with her brows furrowed in a contemplative way. "Well, it wouldn't be impossible. I may have a few connections down there," she finally says, a playful grin sneaking onto her face. "If you want, I can take you to the travel agency tomorrow and we can check it out." "Yes please," she responds, perking up at the possibility that this actually might work.

Much to her surprise, it did indeed work.

As it turned out, Joyce has an old family friend named Maria who lives right next to Miami Beach with her husband and, during a late-night phone call she made when El was asleep, she asked if they wouldn't mind having six enthusiastic teenagers stay there for a week and her friend agreed right away, rambling on and on about how lonely they'd been since their youngest daughter moved away to college.

El was ecstatic when Joyce told her that there was a chance they actually might be able to all go together. A part of her knew she should wait until it was final before she got her friends' hopes up, but she spilled it to Mike the next afternoon the second she saw him, throwing any thoughts of keeping it a surprise out the window. Mike excitedly told Dustin, who told Lucas and pretty soon, going on a vacation together was the only thing the six friends could talk about. Somehow, the parents got wind of it and Karen jumped on it immediately, insisting she pay for both Mike and El's tickets and even a part of Will's if Joyce needed the help. She claimed it was because the Wheelers had leftover vacation money they hadn't been able to use this year or last year and while El believed her, she had a feeling she just wanted to pull her son out of the harsh reality she saw him living through this past month.

And then suddenly, they were going to Florida. She doesn't really know how it happened, because the planning for it past in a blur (like everything seemed to nowadays), but before she knew it, she was in the Indianapolis airport with her five best friends and the woman who had taken her in, her mind overflowing with the stories and images they'd painted of the state for her and she was ecstatic about the new part of the country they were about to go experience together. This is what they had needed, she concludes as they all sit in the terminal. They were about to be free and she couldn't wait.

Now she only had to survive the plane ride first...

It hadn't occurred to Mike that El would be terrified at the prospect of flying in a plane.

In retrospect, her fear makes complete and total sense. It's absurd, really, that they're trusting a giant machine to launch them up to the sky and land them safely in another part of the country. And, when she was in her TV phase, he can't imagine how many plane crashes she probably saw since they were all over the movies these days.

"It's a lot more than just buttons, Lucas," Mike is in the middle of saying as they get to the end of the tunnel, El's hand wrapped tightly around his. "They probably train for years before they finally get to fly." "I still think I could jump into the cockpit and save us all if we go down," he responds proudly after pretending to ponder their comments. Max punches his arm playfully, rolling her eyes as they step from the platform onto the plane.

"Welcome aboard," the flight attendant says politely, her face falling slightly at the sight of six teenagers being accompanied by only one adult. Mike does his best to smile brightly at her, going to thank her but is instead cut off by running directly into El, who has stopped abruptly in front of him. Her hand clenches down on his almost painfully, but he barely minds as he glances ahead of her and sees the cabin of the plane through her claustrophobic eyes.

"El, you have to keep walking," he says calmly, lowering his head to talk quietly into her ear. "I know it's small, but trust me, you're safe. Just keep moving forward, it'll be okay, alright?" He glances behind him, wincing when he sees the line that has begun to pile up of people craning their necks to see what the holdup is. Mrs. Byers must've seen the worry in his eyes because she motions the other four Party members to go past and gently moves the two of them where they won't be in the way.

The movement causes El to look around wildly and his stomach twists painfully at the glassy, delirious panic that's settled in her eyes. He squeezes her hand firmly, intending on drawing her attention towards him, but Joyce is already on it, cupping El's cheek with on hand and grasping her shoulder with the other. "El, tell us what's going on, honey. What do you need?" she asks her tenderly and El's gaze finally fixes on her adopted mother's. "I...I don't want to do this. It's so...so small and there's so many people a-and I don't want to be stuck on here for three hours" she whispers, her voice wavering and Mike's speaking before he even knows it. "We're not going to make you, but you know I won't leave you, right? It's okay to be scared, but you're safe here. I promise, okay, El? I promise." She's staring at him all wide-eyed and he can see her frantic breaths begin to slow down. "He's right, you don't have to do this," Joyce chimes in and El's focus flickers back to her. "But I just know you're going to love this vacation. And to do that, you have to get there first, okay? It's just three hours and then you'll get to have fun for a whole week. It's all up to you." El glances back up at him and he nods encouragingly, hoping his eyes are displaying how desperately he wants her to trust their words.

After a beat, she whispers, "Okay," as she wipes at her eyes, trying to manage a wobbly smile and he feels his shoulders droop in relief. Without a second thought, he raises the hand he's holding and presses a quick kiss to her skin. "C'mon, let's find our seats," he says gently. Subtly, he nods to Mrs. Byers in thanks, before he leads them out of the corner and down the middle of the plane.

Dustin's seated next to the aisle and waves enthusiastically when he sees them coming, standing up so they can slip in next to him. "Window or middle?" he asks his girlfriend quickly and steps to the side once she hesitantly responds, "Window." "Ah, a great choice. Wait until you see the view, El! I'll bet you'll be able to see all the way to Canada!" Dustin tells her enthusiastically, no doubt trying to calm her nerves and Mike pats him on the back as he scoots past him, El flashing him a quick smile as they settle in.

It isn't long after they buckle their seat belts that the pilot comes over the radio, welcoming everyone aboard and informing them that they would begin taxiing soon. As soon as the plane jolts, pulling back from the gate, El sucks in a breath and reaches desperately for his hand. He laces their fingers together instantly as they slowly begin moving toward their runway and she takes a moment to smile at him gratefully before her eyes travel back to the window, watching their surroundings past wearily, with just a smidge of fascination.

The pilot continues to talk overhead, but Mike tunes it out, choosing instead to subtly keep an eye on the girl next to him. He hopes her nerves will calm down once they're in the air and she sees how stable an aircraft is, but he needs to make sure she doesn't let her fear get the best of her first.

They seem to taxi forever and he can see the anticipation beginning to eat at her, her leg bouncing ever so slightly and her fingers fidget with his where they're connected. She's restless and he traces patterns on the back of her hand as he keeps up a conversation with Dustin, not forcing her to pay attention, but knowing she will regardless, just to focus on anything but what's about to happen.

When the plane finally comes to a halt at the beginning of the runway, she cranes her neck anxiously in an attempt to see where they're going. "You ready?" he whispers to her and she nods nervously, her brow furrowed, but her eyes curious. "We'll be there before you know it, Ellie," Dustin tells her lightheartedly. "You're gonna love Florida." He gives her a toothy grin and she smiles back, wider than she has yet today, the sight of it warming Mike's heart.

The sound of the engines flare suddenly and within seconds, the plane is hurtling down the runway, picking up speed faster than he can wrap his head around and El squeaks, biting her lip incessantly and watching out the window with wide, fearful eyes. She's gripping his hand fiercely and pressing herself back into her seat, leaning towards him in an act that's most likely subconscious and his heart aches at the way she whimpers softly.

His arm moves on its own accord as he wraps it tightly around her shoulders without letting go of her hand and she burrows into his side, pressing her face against his chest. The plane continues to rattle as it flies down the runway faster, faster, faster and he can feel her breathing deeply in an attempt to counteract the shaking of her body. He holds her tighter still, his thumb running circles on her shoulder until suddenly, finally, they tilt backward and they're lifting off the ground. "Look, El," he whispers, nudging her gently and she cautiously lifts her head to see the city shrinking below them.

He chuckles as she scrambles out of his arms and towards the window, pressing a hand to the glass as she watches her familiar small corner of the world blend into a land more expansive than she's probably ever seen. "Mike, where's Hawkins?" she asks breathlessly, her eyes glued to the window. He scoots closer to her, peering out the glass as well. "Somewhere over there," he replies softly, pointing north towards the general direction of their sleepy town. She hums in response and he gently presses his lips to her cheek, watching a blush creep onto her face while she continues to watch as they climb higher and higher.

The rest of the flight is a blur from there. The Party trades comics for a while back and forth, commenting on the plot lines sporadically and berating each other for spoiling the endings. He eventually falls asleep in the middle of a Spider-Man adventure, his head resting against El's where it lays on his shoulder and he doesn't wake until the plane begins its descent.

Landing is much less of an ordeal than taking off was, now that she's gotten used to the movements of the plane. Her fingers now grip his out of excitement rather than fear as they fly over the city of Miami, the highways and skyscrapers rushing up at them and he holds his breath, grinning as it finally sinks in that they weren't in Hawkins anymore. She nearly squeals when they finally touch down, her smile wider than he's seen in a long time and his heart leaps at the sight of it. "El, you made it!" Dustin exclaims next to him and she turns to look at him with beaming eyes. "Welcome to Florida!" he tells her theatrically and she giggles, her gaze darting up to meet Mike's. "Florida," she says simply, breath and elated. He nods, smiling softly at her wonder before he raises her hand to his lips and kissing it gently. "Florida, El. You're in Florida."

Palm trees. Those were new. And they were everywhere. She hasn't looked away from the window since they'd gotten picked up by Joyce's friend and her husband and instead has settled for gazing in wonder at a landscape she'd never seen before. The trees stretched high, their leaves branching out and streaking across the blue sky and the city...she had seen Chicago, but Chicago was bustling uncontrollably, harsh and intentional, but this was different. Sure, she was seeing it all from a road, but there were families, children, communities, colors, life, it was beautiful.

Maria was speaking excitedly to Joyce, Will and Mike, and El picked up on bits and pieces that only enthralled her more. The water temperatures were warmer this summer than they were the last, there's a concert happening at the amusement park they're visiting tomorrow, a mall nearby was having a sale, every little thing made her smile giddily, feeling happy and free.

Free. There weren't scary monsters here. No government agents or buildings they all avoided. No looking over her shoulder, no hastily covering up her tattoo. This is what she needs. It's what they all need, she thinks, glancing around at the content expressions on her friends' faces.

Soon, the bustling nature of the city begins to fade into suburbia and before she knows it, they're pulling up to the beach house and El knows she's grinning wildly. It's adorable, nestled in a lush grove of trees that make the dark wood of the exterior feel natural. It reminds her of the cabin in a way, only fancier and in a way better location. Still, it's cozy and she climbs out of the car enthusiastically, taking a moment to stretch her limbs and admire her surroundings, her heart leaping when she realizes she can hear the ocean.

Sighing, she rounds the car to collect her stuff from the trunk, only to find that Mike hauling her bag out of the compartment, her suitcase already sitting next to his on the concrete. "Thank you," she says quietly and he glances up, smiling when he catches her eye. "Of course. I'll put these inside for you so you can go explore, okay?" he responds and something inside her swells at his chivalry. She checks over her shoulder to make sure that Maria is distracted by her conversation with Joyce before she turns back around and stands on her toes to press a quick kiss to his lips. She hears his surprised inhale at her actions, but he nevertheless follows her mouth and gives her one of his own and she giggles, watching as he hoists her bag onto his shoulder, grinning shyly at her as he makes his way towards the house.

She watches him go longingly, only broken out of her daze by the second car carrying Max, Lucas and Dustin shows up and she goes to greet them happily. "What's first?" Dustin asks as they climb out of the vehicle. "This is incredible," he adds in a hushed tone as they take in where they are. "We should go to the beach," El declares, glancing at Max as she remembers how much she wants this. Her friend's face lights up instantly and she rushes to hug her, squeezing her tight and whispering a "thank you," in her ear. "Beach it is," Max says definitively once they've parted and the boys whoop comically behind her.

There's a frantic few minutes as the kids all rush to put away their stuff and get dressed for the beach at the same time, but before she knows it, El is dressed in her swimsuit, slathered in sunscreen and laughing at the funny commentary Dustin provides for the birds they see as they walk casually down the path. "Oh! My towel!" she says suddenly, stopping short as she realizes that she'd been walking empty-handed. "Don't worry, I can go get it," Mike responds, already heading back before she can say anything and she smiles to no one in particular at his kindness. "Thank you!" she yells at his receding form and he waves in response.

"Quick, let's hide so he thinks we deserted him," Lucas whispers dramatically once they're out of earshot and El rolls her eyes as the rest of the Party snickers. "Or I could just race you all there instead," Dustin quips and it only takes a half a second for the boys to take off, sprinting as fast as they can around the bend and the girls laugh, jogging after them and El's heart is in her throat, because they're so close and she speeds up, turning the corner, her feet finally meeting the sandy ground and oh wow.

It was stunning. The sand was warm and yielding against the skin of her feet, the salted breeze whipping her hair arbitrarily as she gazed out at the rolling ocean waves, arching and crashing against the shoreline in a rhythm that she knew could lull her to sleep. The water stretched on and on and on and it made her head hurt when she thought about how it kept going, unbounded by the horizon. The sun glinted off of it as if to purposefully make it shine brighter, to show the world just how incredible it was.

All of this beauty is what she had been expecting.

What she hadn't been expecting was how every little thing reminded her of Billy.

His feet splashing along the place where the waves barely kissed the sand, all carefree and oblivious. The reckless way he would throw himself towards the wave, wanting it to let him stand on the long board he carried. His mother calling to him from the shore, just wanting him to be safe.

She didn't get her wish.

The more she stands there, the more she can feel the storm. Hovering, growing, just to the right of her and she doesn't dare look. It's calling her in the worse way possible and its fingers are phantom, but so, so strong and she shuts her eyes, wincing at the screams and the accusations and the whirling mess of destruction that seeps into her conscious. She can still hear it, the slap of abuse and the worried cries of a child that would grow up to meet his death for the sake of her life. Louder and louder it grows and all she can see is the blood dusky red of the storm, the source, and dear lord, she wishes it would all just...

"Go away," she hears herself mutter vehemently. A hand lands on her arm and she gasps, her mind jerking back to the present and she sucks in a breath, then another, then another until she's able to register that Max is standing in front of her, her hands now on both of her shoulders. "El, crap, what's going on? Is everything okay? Hey, talk to me, El," her friend says insistently and for a moment, El just watches her, pushing away the last threads of the memory.

"Billy," she whispers simply, knowing Max has understood when her eyes go from worried to pained to shameful. "Oh no, I...I forgot about that El, I completely forgot...I forgot that this is where you saw all that, I'm so sorry, we can go back, I won't make you—" "Max," El pleads. "I'm...I'm okay. I'll be fine." And she would be. She had to be. This was too marvelous a sight to run from it. Max is looking at her skeptically, but she lets go of her arms and nods, offering a small, sympathetic smile.

"El!" a deliciously familiar voice calls out to her and she turns to see Mike walking towards them, carrying the towel she had forgotten. As he approaches, she watches as his brow furrows and he stares at her intently as he hands her the towel. "Are...are you okay?" he asks, his tone serious and she chuckles, marveling at how well this boy knew her. She's about to nod, but she knows he'll see right through it, so she hands her towel to a very confused Max and wraps her arms around him instead, sighing as she rests her cheek against his chest and he hugs her right back, holding her tightly and securely.

She had Mike. Mike would keep her safe. He didn't know it, but he always kept her safe.

She can feel how high his worry for her is climbing the longer she doesn't respond, so she squeezes him tight to get his attention. "Calm down," she chastises lightly. "I'm okay." Distantly, she can hear the shouts of Dustin, Lucas, and Will as they throw themselves into the water and the sound makes her laugh as she pulls back from Mike's embrace, taking a moment to smile up at him reassuringly and his face softens adorably. "Okay, I'm ready," she declares and Max doesn't waste a moment before grabbing her hand. "You sure?" she asks teasingly and El nods, reaching out to grab Mike's as well and suddenly, they're running straight towards the water, their feet splashing in the foam and their bodies break a wave when they get deep enough and she's suddenly drenched, the taste of salt prominent in her mouth, but she doesn't care as she giggles uncontrollably, her friends exclaiming beside her.

She spends almost the entire afternoon in the ocean, unable to pull herself away from the gentle lull of the waves and the fizziness of the foam brushing past her. She splits the time between joining in whatever her friends are doing, subtly staring at a shirtless Mike (and touching him whenever she can, because wow), and just letting the sounds and sensations around her quiet her racing mind, feeling refreshed in a way she hasn't in a while.

They're all exhausted by the time they pack up their things and start heading back to the house, their skin sun-kissed from their day outside. The meal that Maria has prepared from them is incredible and they eat ravenously, telling their hosts all about their day in between sighing appreciatively at the food they had been given, a sign that made Marie and her husband laugh. As dinner winds down, the two of them mention casually that there's a fire pit out back that they're welcome to use and when Max suggests they go light a fire and tell scary stories, the scary stories part is quickly shot down, but they unanimously agree that they should spend the rest of their night out there under the stars, rushing upstairs to grab blankets and such.

El ends her wonderful, perfect day curled up to Mike, her head resting in the crook of his neck and his arms around her, the glowing light of the fire mixed with the hushed whispers of her friends slowly nodding off blissfully and all she can feel is warmth and love.

Tomorrow night, she would fall asleep almost in the same position. Only, Mike would be clinging to her for comfort out of fear, her shirt still wet from his tears and she'd be fighting the sleep from her own eyes, not wanting to leave him alone, even if just to sleep.

Tomorrow night, they'd have to face the fears they'd been desperately trying to run away from.

Mike has never actually been a fan of amusement parks. The rides and the food were amazing, don't get him wrong, but he always read into them a little too much, quickly growing tired of the happy-go-lucky attitude every employee carried when the world was obviously not always sunshine and rainbows. People forcing him to be happy wasn't his thing.

Today, though. Today was different. Today he quickly realized that he didn't care about all that. Let the employees ask if they're having fun every few steps and the cheerful music play constantly. He had his friends. Who could stop them? Their day had been incredible, filled with screaming roller coasters and rigged games they won anyway and more cotton candy and funnel cake than they could fathom and what the heck, they were happy. When was the last time that had happened?

El had begged them to see the midday parade, hearing there would be dancers and huge floats, "Like Macy's," she said, referring to the parade that she'd watched wide-eyed on Mike's TV last year and who were they to refuse her? They structured the day around the event and he was starting to look forward to it just as much as she was.

Except, Max and El had gone to the bathroom together a while ago, wanting to get it out of the way before they were stuck in one place for an hour and, much to his dismay, they still haven't returned. "Where are they? We've got two minutes to get from here all the way over to the main plaza," Will says impatiently, checking his watch and craning his neck to see into the crowd. "Maybe we should go look for them?" Mike suggests, beginning to feel a little antsy that they still haven't returned, worrying a lot more for their (El's) safety than the parade. "No, this is our meeting place, I'm sure of it. They know they're supposed to meet us back here," Dustin points out and Mike huffs, pressing his lips together and watching closely for any sign of them. He knew girls took long in the bathroom, but this...this was a little ridiculous.

"Max!" Lucas suddenly calls out, and Mike jolts, his head whipping around to see his friend waving at the redhead who's weaving her way towards them. Alone.

"Where's El?" Mike shouts, loud enough for her to hear him and when Max's brow furrows, looking taken aback by his question, his stomach drops. Free falls, really. "She's not here?" the girl asks, clearly confused at the situation. "She left before I did, she said she'd meet back up with you guys when she was done."

Anger cracks through him at her words, worry going from a whisper to gnawing its way into his heart and he steps indignantly towards her. "You left her alone?! Max, are you serious right now?" "Calm down, she'll be fine. Maybe she just...just got turned around or something?" "Turned around? Turned around? She could be anywhere, what have you done, Max?" He's absolutely furious and he can feel his hands beginning to shake, rage conflicting with panic and suddenly he can't breathe. "Find her," he mumbles hazily. "We have to find her—" "Mike, calm down!" "Right now, we're finding her right now!" he shouts and he's trembling. El. El is missing. She's missing, dammit, she's...she's...

Lost.

Gone.

No. No, no not gone. Not. Gone. She can't be gone.

He's vaguely aware of his own voice calling out her name and he's moving, trying to run, run back into the crowd where she's supposed to be, but there's too many faces and too many people and he can't hear his friends and she's gone and suddenly, he's being yanked back and he can see Lucas and he can hear Lucas telling him something about a plan. A plan to find El (she's gone, lost, missing, El!) and he doesn't understand it, but he feels himself nod and he's pointed in a general direction. A direction where there's so many people and so many buildings and so many sounds and so many places she could be and he puts one foot after another, feeling like he could scream at just how...how scared he was. (El!)

His gaze flits around wildly, the part of his brain not completely overrun by worry searching for the bright purple of the flannel she's wearing today, every brown-haired person he sees making his heart leap, then plummet when none of them are her. He keeps walking (he's shaking, but he doesn't know that), spinning around in circles a few times just to make sure he hasn't missed anything (what if he misses her, what if he MISSES her and oh no what if if if she's looking for him all lost and scared and alone

And what if...)

No, no, no, she's...she's safe, she has to be. He can feel the thought, he can feel its haunting, lurking presence hiding around a corner, waiting to attack, but he shoves it down because he has to stay alert, stay alert for her, the girl he loves so dearly (EL!).

He's not strong enough to keep pushing it away. The thought breaks through his mental defenses swiftly and he sees flashes of her contorted face as a hand squeezes the breath out of her, her body being ripped from the ground by a tentacle towards a horrible, insidious creature intent on...on (he can't even bring himself to consider it) and if he hadn't...if he hadn't grabbed her in time (EL!), he sees a demented brother and he's so, so weak but he tries anyway and the world goes dark within a second and he took her, he took her, he took her (EL!) what if she's taken, what if she's been taken and he was too late—

He clutches at his chest, his fingers clawing at the skin, trying to get to his lungs because he can't suck in enough air and he's falling, falling, crying out with what little air he has left, gasping to stay above the tidal wave of sheer and utter despair and panic, but he can't, he can't (EL!) and his cheek hits the cement and maybe he's crying or maybe his vision is blurry because the world is shrinking, becoming nonsensical before his eyes and people are staring but that means nothing to him (nothing means anything without her) and he should get up, he should go find her, he just wants her, but fear is pinning him to the ground, leaving him with nothing to do but fight desperately for breath. His heart continues to thump wildly in his chest and it hurts and he wonders at this moment if he is going to die.

"Mike!"

That's...that's him. He's Mike. He tries to get up, but his body seems to have stopped responding to him, resorting to nothing but trembling (and pain. So much pain). A figure crouches down in front of him and he belatedly realizes it's Will when his hands touch his shoulders and he blinks, as his friend's words snake into whatever hell he's found himself in.

"Mike, can you hear me? Mike, please, please say something, are you okay? Mike?!" and he whimpers, he freaking whimpers, which only seems to worry Will more. "Can you move?" he asks to which Mike nods (or at least he thinks he does, but Will responds anyway). "Okay, okay, that's good. Can you stand? Can you say something? Please, Mike, you're scaring me!" his friend pleads and Mike grits his teeth because he knows fear. It's right above him, ripping him to shreds, but he has to do this, for Will. For...for El (El El El). With a great deal of effort, he manages to lift his pounding head and he grips tightly onto Will's hands and together, they struggle to pull him to his feet. His world spins, tilting this way and that and he feels a small body beside him stabilize him and he tries, he tries so hard to tell Will that he's okay (no he's not), but all he can manage to say is, "El," and he watches as Will bites his lip, decidedly not responding to him and Mike almost collapses again right then and there at the horrible rush of panic that hits him were it not for the familiar voice he suddenly hears behind him. "Guys!" Lucas calls out and Mike turns to face him.

"Guys, we found her!"

Found.

She's been found.

El.

"C'mon, she was by...Mike? Mike, what the hell happened to you, man?", Lucas is saying, but all he can focus on is what he'd just heard. "You...you found her?" he croaks out, his throat feeling clogged and crackly. "Yeah, we found her, she's okay dude. You seriously weren't worked up about this, were you?" He can't find it in him to respond or do anything at all really and he must've started swaying or something, because Lucas's hands are suddenly on his shoulders, steadying him, grounding him and his friend is repeating his name, over and over again. "Where is she?" he finally gets out hesitantly once he can speak, feeling numb, but desperate to chase the glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe his El is okay. "I'll take you to her, okay? Breathe Mike. C'mon man, just keep breathing, she's okay."

His words seep into his mind, brushing off some of the darkness and the world slowly begins to realign itself as he follows Lucas blindly, barely aware of the hand the boy keeps on his shoulder (out of fear he wouldn't be able to walk, he later learns) and he's scared. He's scared of a lot of things really, but he's cowering at the chance of hope because he can't...he can't deal with it if she...if she's not really...

"Breathe, Mike. I can see them, they're right over there..." Lucas continues to say things after that, but they fall upon deaf ears because Mike hazily follows where Lucas points and suddenly, finally, thank God, he can see her too.

She's right there. There she is. Oh, oh El.

Relief floods through him like a river punching a hole in a dam, every terrible, sickening feeling dissolving into nothingness and the intensity of it makes him sob. She turns her head towards him at the sound and her face (her beautiful face, she's alive) furrows in obvious concern. He rushes towards her, breaking out of Lucas's grasp and she's rushing towards him, his name falling from her lips in a worried cry and he throws his arms around her when he reaches her, pressing his head to the crook of her neck and everything bursts from him as he sobs, brokenly and heavily against her. She's warm, solid and breathing in his arms and she tries to pull back to get a look at his face, to get him to answer the frantic questions she's rapidly asking, but he resists, clinging with all his might to her, bunching her shirt up in his hands and squeezing her as close as he can to his body because dear Lord, she's alive.

Her questions turn from him to their friends and he hears one of them (he's not sure which) say something about a panic attack and it makes him cry harder as he feels her hands grip his shoulders and his head even tighter.

He'd never told her just how scared watching her almost die several times made him. And now he was paying the price.

He never wants to come out and face the world. He doesn't want to explain what he'd just gone through. He doesn't want to let her go, ever and leave the cocoon she's created for him where all he knows is her. So he squeezes her tighter as his fear and panic and shame for what had happened (what he'd succumbed to) finally spill out of him and he woefully dreads the moment when he has to leave the arms of his love.

(El.)

As soon as they stepped into the house, Mike had beelined for his room, shutting the door with a definite thud and El's been beside herself ever since. Her first instinct earlier had been to go after him, but everyone else insisted that she give him time, space to cool off. But they weren't the ones that felt him fall apart in their arms. She hasn't seen him that broken since...honestly since one of the worst three hundred and fifty-three nights when he'd called for her more than a year ago. And the way his eyes went dark to cover his overwhelming shame and how he'd haphazardly composed himself for the silent car ride back were very clear indications that he intended on shutting everyone out until he could feel under control of himself again. She'd watched him closely, from the moment he lifted his head to quietly ask if they could go home to the glassy, conflicting look on his face that gave way to dark defiance against what he was feeling and she knew, she just knew now was not the time to leave him alone.

She'd managed to keep her resolve for a little more than an hour. Dinner was unbearably tense and she could feel her friends' attempts to melt the ice, but she was so lost in her thoughts that she barely ate a thing, her eyes flicking over to his closed door every few moments. It's like she could feel him, she could feel his turmoil and she wanted nothing more than to just sit with him and try to ease it the best she could.

She stands up abruptly, the conversation around her halting and she hastily begins to clear her plate, ignoring them when she hears them all ask what she's doing. Leaving her dishes in the sink, she turns to walk down the hallway confidently and she makes it halfway before she's stopped. "El, really, he'll come to us when he's ready," she hears Dustin say and she pauses. "You know him, he processes in his own way, even if it's a little weird. You've gotta patient, it'll get worse if you push him." "I just want to make sure he's okay," she explains. "I'm not gonna hurt him." And she wasn't. It was just tearing her up that something was tearing him up, especially since that something had to do with her.

"El, I really don't think—" The sound of a door clicking open interrupts him and El whirls around to meet Mike's hesitant gaze and her breath catches. He looks so...defeated and she hates it so much. Before she can say a word, he jerks his head gently, gesturing back to the dark room behind him and she follows without hesitation because she was right. He didn't want to be alone.

He waits until she's inside to shut the door behind her, and the only light that filters in is the fading tones of dusk from the window. As she watches, he crosses the room and plops onto the edge of the bed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his leg bouncing up and down anxiously. She studies him for a few moments, before she mimics his actions, coming to sit cross-legged next to him on the bed.

He doesn't say anything for a while after that and neither does she until her curiosity gets the best of her.

"Mike?" she whispers into the heavy silence and he tilts his head towards her to let her know she has his attention. "Can...can you at least tell me what happened?" He sighs and she bites her lip, afraid she was pushing him, but she doesn't retract her question, because she wants to know. After a moment, he tries starting a sentence, but when it doesn't go anywhere, he stops and half-heartedly shrugs his shoulders instead. "Were you...were you scared?" she offers, scooting closer to him and her heart sinks when he nods, sniffing quietly. "Yeah, I was...I was really scared. Scared that..." He clears his throat in a clear attempt to push the tears down, but they surface anyway and her hand is entwined with his before she knows it. "Scared that we wouldn't find you and that you'd been...you'd been taken." "Taken by what?" she asks as softly as she can. He shrugs again, a clear sign that he's trying to diminish the weight of his fear. "The Mind Flayer. Billy. Brenner. You know, the bad ones."

She doesn't know to reply to that. Luckily, he keeps going.

"And I know it's not a surprise that I'm...I'm worried for your safety, but it's been so much worse since everything happened...I'm sorry if I sound overprotective, but I...I mean, you almost died right in front of me, multiple times in fact. It...it freaked me out, El. It was terrifying."

"It hurt you," she states plainly, solemnly. "Yeah, I guess it did. It's totally not your fault, I promise," he rushes to reassure her and she smiles, before her face falls. "No, I mean...it hurt you," she tries again, tapping her finger against the side of his head. "It hurt you in here."

Mike presses his lips together and looks away. "Traumatized. That's, um...that's what that's called." Intrigued, El tries the word out on her tongue, instantly realizing she doesn't like it. "So it...traumatized you? Seeing me almost...die?" He squeezes her hand and nods, eyes still cast downwards and she has the sudden urge to tell him she loves him, to lift the shame that she can see is clouding her soul and replace it with all the love she possibly can. But now isn't the time, not yet. Instead, she scoots closer to him and sneaks under his arm, wrapping her arms around his torso and resting her head against his shoulder, sinking into him as he embraces her in response, holding on tighter than he normally would.

"I mean...do you realize how close you were?" His voice is rough and gravelly and he clears it as she peeks up at him, stomach clenching at the hints of hopelessness that are beginning to sneak onto his face again. "With Billy, and then when that monster grabbed your leg..." He pulls her closer to him, holding her so tightly it almost hurts, but she doesn't care, instead gripping the collar of his shirt and kissing the curve of his jaw somewhat frantically to pull him back to earth. "Mike, I'm here. I'm right here, don't think like that. You saved me both times, remember? It's okay, everything's okay."

He nods quietly, his eyes still stormy and sad, and a beat passes before he bends down and nuzzles his face into the crook of her neck, exhaling softly. "Mike?" "Mmm?" "What's...what's a panic attack?" She feels him tense up and she bites her lip, not wanting to push him, but also desperately needing to know what had hurt him so much this afternoon and what she'd unknowingly been the cause of.

Because it was her fault. It was her fault that she didn't wait for Max after using the bathroom. It was her fault she didn't pay attention to the landmarks around her and decided following the crowd was headed was a better idea. It was her own fault Dustin had to come find her and that Mike stumbled back to them delirious and crying.

She lets him take his time because she can almost hear all the thoughts running around in his head, holding him patiently while he collects them all. "I've, um...never actually had one before today," he starts solemnly. "It felt like...like I was so afraid that you were going to be lost forever that the world started ending and I...I couldn't feel anything but how scared I was. It was...it was awful, El." "Sorry," she whispers, feeling entirely responsible for putting him through that and he shakes his head, his hair tickling her cheek. "'s not your fault. I'm sorry, I shut you all out earlier because I didn't know how to process the...um...attack. And I was sure you all thought I was crazy. But I didn't bring you in here to make you feel guilty, because you shouldn't feel that way. I just...I guess I just wanted you...here," he mumbles, pulling back from her. She gives him a small smile, reaching up to run a thumb across his cheekbone because she can, watching his face droop into a thoughtful frown.

"Do you think...do you think it's bad that we need each other so much?"

She wasn't expecting that one.

"...is it?" she asks right back, never really given the matter much thought. She knew not everyone had the strong relationship she and Mike did, but even so, everyone had people who supported and loved them greatly. The two of them just happened to have a more intense connection. Her boyfriend shrugs, scooting back on the bed to rest against the pillows and she follows, plopping down on her stomach next to him, her chin resting on her hands. "I guess it's not...I mean, I wouldn't have it any other way, I just...do you think I'm—" And she finally understands what he's trying to say.

"No, Mike, stop. You're not a bad person because of what happened today. I need you to understand that it wasn't your fault, or mine, I guess, or anyone else's. It just...happened and no one is to blame. It's not always someone's fault." He nods seriously, seeming to accept her words, before he reaches out for her and she goes willingly, curling up to his side, resting her head against his shoulder as he holds her.

"What if I get like that every time you're out of my sight for too long though? That's not...that's not healthy." She shakes her head. "What's not healthy is that we've had to fight monsters and possessed people. I think our worry is just a part of love."

She freezes the second the words are out of her mouth, her eyes going wide, before they squeeze shut, chiding herself for being so reckless with her words. Mike goes rigid and they're teetering on a decision that could change things very, very quickly. She isn't aware she's holding her breath until a pair of lips presses a very soft, faint kiss to her head and she relaxes just a little, glad she hadn't completely screwed things up. She lets out a breathless giggle, nuzzling her face against his chest and he does the same, feeling the weight of the air lift instantly.

"Hey, um, don't feel like you have to stay by me every second of the day now," he tells her and she frowns. "But what if it happens again and I don't get to you in time?" Under her fingertips, she feels his heart begin to thump harder and he doesn't have an answer for her, save for a small wordless shrug and it kills her how much they don't know about what had happened to him. All she knows is she has never seen him so distraught before and she dearly hopes she never has to see it again.

"What if it happens to you and I can't get to you?" Mike suddenly wonders aloud and she bites her lip, fidgeting with the fabric of his shirt. "It has." "What?" "No, not like what happened to you, but...but in the void when...when I was in Billy's mind and the Mind Flayer found me. When it used him to tell me it was coming for me, I was in the cabin, alone, and I was screaming for you. I just wanted you to be there, but I couldn't find you like you couldn't find me today. The monster showed itself before it could get any worse."

He's squeezing her tighter and the pressure around her shoulders holds her here before she can lose herself to the feeling of desperately searching for him. "So you get it," his scratchy voice whispers and she looks up, surprised. "You thought I didn't?" "No," he says, shaking his head and looking at her with wide, somber eyes. "I thought I was just too clingy for my own good because of all the trauma we went through that I can't fight." "You're wrong. I feel it too, Mike," and he presses his lips together, reaching one hand up to cup her cheek as her eyes fill with tears. "I feel it too."

The weight settles around them once again and he gently guides her head back to the crook of his neck and however heavy this moment, she can feel that something has clicked into place within him. He's not broken or dysfunctional. He needs her, sure, but so does she and that's just how the universe created them. After all, blank makes you crazy, right?

Later, Mike will sheepishly face their friends and ask that they pretend like nothing happened so they can continue enjoying the rest of their vacation and they'll all graciously accept his request, consciously pushing their trauma behind them for the sake of just being the energetic teenagers they are. But for now, they pull each other close, mourning the scars their trauma has imprinted on each of them, but knowing that the glimmering ray of light that burst from what they went through is each other. And they'd face the Mind Flayer a hundred more times if it only meant they got to be together in the end.