124. Second Christmas

On their first Christmas together, Meredith had woken up in Derek's arms. She had been warm and didn't want to leave the comforts of her bed. In response to the alarm – which had played upbeat Christmas carols – Derek had buried his face into the back of her neck and held her tight. They had savoured the moment together and had then shared a very enjoyable shower.

This year, their second Christmas together and their first as a married couple, was nothing like the last one.

Meredith jolted awake to the screech of her pager. Instead of waking in Derek's arms, she awoke alone in a cold, hard on-call room bed. Despite the holiday season and lack of scheduled surgeries, the hospital still needed to be staffed, and apparently HR had approved too many leave requests. Meredith and Derek had been lucky to have their shifts coincide so that at least they could be at home together. They had worked the day before, Christmas Eve, and had been on-call overnight. They were then schedule to work until five that evening, and then be back the next morning. There would be no turkey dinner for them, but at least they'd have the evening together.

With a groan, Meredith rolled off of the bed and stood. A glance at her watch told her she'd had three hours of sleep since her last page. That was more than she would have thought, but still not enough to make her feel human. Derek had been called into surgery at midnight – a drunk man leaving a party had caused a pile up on the freeway – and she hadn't seen him since.

After stretching to regain mobility in her stiff limbs, she hurried down to the ER.

"I was paged," she said to the on duty ER nurse.

"Bed three," the nurse said, handing Meredith a chart.

"Thanks." She opened the chart as she walked across the ER to bed three and pulled back the curtain. A young boy in reindeer pajamas lay in the bed, two equally worried parents sat on either side of him. "Hi, I'm Dr. Grey-Shepherd. What seems to be the problem?"

"He fell of the roof," said the mother. "Oh, please. Please tell me he's going to be okay. We didn't know where he went, and then he was screaming from outside."

Meredith put the chart down on the end of the bed. "When did this happen?"

"Less than an hour ago," the father answered. "We just put him in the car and got him here."

That explained why he wasn't on a backboard.

"Hi, Mathew," she greeted the young boy as she pulled on a pair of gloves.

He was holding an icepack to his head, but managed to scowl despite the expression of pain on his face. "Matt," he said.

"He doesn't like being called Mathew," the mother explained.

Meredith smiled. "Okay, Matt. It looks like your head hurts. Is that all that hurts?"

"My arm, too," he said with a sniff.

"Not your back? Or your neck?"

"No."

She glanced at his parents. "How high was the roof?"

"Just one storey. He was climbing onto the roof above the garage."

She turned back to Matt. "Where does your head hurt?"

He showed her with his hand. "But don't touch it, it hurts."

"I'll be very careful," she promised, probing the area around the obvious bump on his head. There was no sign of broken skin or obvious skull fracture.

"Did he lose consciousness?"

"I don't think so," the mother said. She seemed to have calmed down now that Meredith was here looking at her son. "He just started screaming."

Meredith pulled a penlight out of her pocket and took a look at Matt's pupils. She had then had him follow her finger and nodded, happy with his response. "And what were you doing on the roof?" She asked.

He sniffed. "I wanted to see if the reindeer tracks were still there in the snow."

She blinked before she understood what he was saying. Santa and his reindeer. One of the many childhood beliefs she hadn't been allowed.

"I tried staying up last night to see Santa and the reindeer, but I fell asleep."

"I'm sorry about that," she said, hoping she was saying the right thing, "But from what I know about Santa is that he knows when you're still awake. He wouldn't have shown up until he knew you were asleep. And I don't know that magic reindeer leave hoof prints on roofs."

Matt's parents smiled gratefully at her, and she stifled a smile of her own, proud that she had said something right about Santa and reindeer to a child on Christmas.

Matt sighed. "I just wanted to see them once."

"I think you only get to see him if he decides to let you. So, no more climbing on the roof, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay," she echoed. "Now, does the light hurt your eyes?"

"A little."

"How old are you?"

"Five."

"What's your favourite colour?"

"Green."

"What's your best friend's name?"

"Tommy."

She nodded, happy with his easy responses. "Do you know your last name?"

He nodded. "Stephenson."

"Can you spell that?"

"Yeah," he said proudly. "I just learned." He proceeded to very carefully spell the word for Meredith, making sure to enunciate each and every letter.

"Very good," she praised when he was finished. "Do you know your phone number?"

He proceeded to tell her his phone number.

"Okay. Let's have a look at that arm." She gently examined the arm, taking note of only a small bruise, before turning to his parents. "I don't think the arm is broken, but I'm going to order an x-ray just in case. And I'm going to send him for a head CT. Externally, he's not showing signs of anything significant, but I'd like to make sure."

"What if something is wrong?" The mother asked, worried.

"I don't want you to get ahead of yourself," Meredith soothed, "But if it is, out best neurosurgeon is working this morning. I will make sure to have him look at the films after the scan."

"Thank you," the mother said gratefully, before her eyes filled with tears. "I can't believe this happened. He woke us up all excited that it was Christmas. I told him to go downstairs to open his stocking and then he was screaming from outside."

Meredith offered her a smile. "These things happen."

Two hours later, Meredith yawned as she sat in the viewing room of the CT machine, watching her young patient's unremarkable brain images flash across the screen. The x-ray of his arm had been unremarkable as well. And after ordering the tests, she had done a full exam to make sure there wasn't any other sign of damage. Despite its boring nature, it was a good case for Christmas day. She'd be sending home a family with the good news that nothing was wrong with their son.

Footsteps echoed from the doorway to the small room, and she didn't look up, expecting it to be the CT Tech returning from his break, but the moment the originator of the footsteps sat beside her, she knew it was Derek.

"Hey," he greeted, his voice thick with lack of sleep. "The ER said you had a kid in here that needed a consult."

Smiling at how focused he was on the young patient, she gave him the history and results of her exam. He stared at the images on the computer screen for several moments before relaxing. He leaned towards her and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," she returned. He wrapped an arm around her and she leaned into him. She rested her head against his shoulder and sighed. "How was your surgery?"

"Surgeries," he corrected. "Three surgeries. Everyone should make a full recovery."

"That's good."

He stifled a yawn as he nodded.

"Do you have anything else scheduled?"

"No more pages yet." He rested his head against hers.

"After you talk to this kid's parents, do you want to grab something to eat?"

"More than you can imagine. I'm starving. Nice way to spend Christmas morning, huh?"

She shrugged. "Could be worse, I guess. This kid's parents thought they'd watch their son opening his presents from Santa this morning. Instead they're here in the hospital, worried he's hurt because he fell off the roof trying to see if Santa's reindeer left tracks."

Derek chuckled. "That's why he was on the roof?"

She nodded.

"Yeah, I did that once. Or tried, anyway."

"You did?"

He nodded. Nancy told me she'd heard the reindeer on the roof, so I put my coat and boots on and went out to have a look."

"Did you fall, too?"

He chuckled again. "No. I was only four. Nancy told on me and my dad caught me trying to climb up the drain pipe. It felt like I climbed a really long way up, but I think I only really made it about three feet before my dad grabbed me."

She laughed.

He sighed wistfully. "I just wanted to see the reindeer tracks."

Meredith bit back a laugh at the parallels between her husband and her young patient. "Must be a boy thing. Even if I had believed in Santa and reindeer, there's no way I would have decided to climb onto the roof in the middle of winter to have a look."

"You may have a point. None of my sisters were interested in coming with me."

"When we have kids, if we have a boy, you're in charge of making sure he doesn't try to climb onto the roof."

Derek stiffened beside her.

"What?"

His arm tightened around her. "I'm just surprised to hear you say that. You haven't brought kids up since Lauren's wedding." He paused. "With all of your past coming back up, I wasn't sure if..."

She lifted her head and turned to him. "You thought I changed my mind about wanting kids?"

"No," he said carefully. "I just..." He sighed. "You haven't brought it up."

Meredith could remember how easy the subject had seemed at Lauren's wedding, only two months previous, having been surrounded by happy families for days. All of Derek's sisters were happily married with beautiful kids, and Meredith hadn't been able to not imagine what hers and Derek's children would look like. She and Derek had talked briefly about kids while dancing at the reception. They had agreed to talk about when once they'd settled into their new home, and that time had long since passed by now.

"I guess we didn't talk about it like we agreed. I'm sorry."

He offered her a soft smile. "It's okay. It's not something I've been waiting for you to bring up. You just reminded me of it now when you brought up kids."

"Really?"

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Really. We both know right now isn't the right time anyway, so I wasn't worried."

"We'll talk soon," she promised. She agreed that now wasn't the right time, but they needed to figure out when the right time would be. Her second year of residency was far too hectic, but her third or fourth year may offer more opportunity. He'd been through residency, so he'd be in the best position to know.

"Okay."

"Just know that I haven't changed my mind."

"Okay," he said again, pressing another kiss to her cheek.

The rest of the scan was as unremarkable as the beginning and middle. Derek accompanied her as she brought Matt back to his parents. He discussed the results with them, as well as how to treat his headache symptoms over the next few days. Derek did a wonderful job being upbeat and encouraging for the young patient and his parents, but the moment Matt was released, he seemed to deflate.

"Are you sure you don't want to sleep instead of having something to eat?"

He met her eyes for a moment before shaking his head. "No, I want to spend some time with you. It's Christmas."

She smiled at him. "Our second Christmas."

His eyes sparkled at her words. "Our second Christmas," he echoed, reaching for her hand as they walked together towards the elevators.

"I like having all these seconds with you," she told him. "Second Thanksgiving. Second Christmas. Second New Years, next week."

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed.

"It makes this all seem so permanent and normal."

He squeezed her hand. "That's because this is permanent and normal."

Despite the confusion in her head since her last therapy session the day before Christmas Eve, Meredith took comfort in her certainty in Derek and their marriage. She was still shocked by the realization that her mother had been the first in an unhealthy cycle of role models, and she still had no answers to all of the new questions that realization brought up, but she didn't question her marriage. That was one decision that was hers and hers alone. She took comfort in that. She knew with certainty that she hadn't married Derek to meet anyone else's expectations.

It made her more appreciative than ever that she and Derek had said their vows on a beach with only a few days planning. Their wedding had been for them. No role models. No expectations. No failing to live up to anything or anyone's expectations.

Nothing for her to look back on and wonder about.

They reached the elevators and the moment she pushed the button the doors opened, revealing an empty car. She stepped on, followed closely by Derek. He pressed the button for their floor, and then as soon as the doors closed, pressed the emergency stop button.

Before she could ask what he was doing, he had her pressed against the wall, his body pressed against hers.

"What are you doing?" She squeaked in surprise.

"Don't you remember?" He whispered, his nose brushing against hers.

"Remember what?"

"Our tradition. Our Christmas elevator kiss."

She giggled in memory of their Christmas elevator kiss the year before, but before she could say a word, his lips had captured hers. All hints of laughter drifted away as she fell into the kiss. Derek's strong arms held her up against the wall and she wasn't sure if she'd stay upright should he release her. Wrapping her arms around him, she pulled him closer as she deepened the kiss.

When they eventually pulled away, both were breathing hard.

"I think," Meredith began, panting, "That was better," she breathed, "Than last year's kiss."

He pecked her lips. "I have to agree."

"Something to look forward to for next year," she said.

Derek beamed at her comment, kissing her softly again. "Absolutely." He kissed her cheek, the tip of her nose and then her forehead, before pressing his forehead to hers.

Together, they stood, wrapped up in each other, and breathed. Meredith lost track of how much time had passed, but couldn't bring herself to care. This was where she most wanted to be; with her husband, in his arms. He hummed softly, and she smiled. Her fingers wrapped around the worn fabric of his scrub top. His shoulders were firm and warm under her touch. He stepped back from the wall in response, pulling her with him. His hands ran down her back to the bottom of her scrub top and then slid under the fabric. He rested both hands on small of her back, skin to skin, his pinky fingers tucking just under the waistband of her scrub pants.

Meredith tilted her head to kiss him. "Merry Christmas," she whispered.

"Merry Christmas," he whispered back. He lifted his head away far enough to meet her eyes. His were bright and sparkling with love and energy as he was transformed from the weary surgeon who had stepped onto the elevator with her only minutes before. "I know the last year has been filled with so much..." He trailed off, unable to come up with the right word. "But right now, being able to remember last year's Christmas so well, it seems like the year passed so quickly."

"It kind of does seem like that," she agreed. She could still so easily remember the novelty of having someone to share the holiday with. She remembered arriving at the hospital together, of him buying them both coffee and joking that that was her Christmas present. Then he had kissed her in the elevator and she had decided that that was her true Christmas present. She had laughed when he had joked that they should make the Christmas elevator kiss a tradition, but she had also hoped for it.

"Can you believe it's a year later and we're here?"

She raised an eyebrow. "That was the point, right? Elevator tradition. Your idea."

"I don't mean here," he said, waving his hand to signify the elevator. "I mean-"

She cut him off with a kiss. "I know what you meant." He meant here; where they were in life. Together. Committed. Married.

He smiled softly at her, clearly not planning on pushing her for an answer. But she wanted to give him one anyway.

"We were in different places this time last year," she pointed out. "You were sure, and I was as sure as I could be. I...couldn't always picture the future. And had you told me we would have been six months into our marriage and that we'd bought a home together and I'd met your family more than once and I actually got along really well with your family..." She trailed off. "I probably wouldn't have believed it. I may have believed it could happen one day, but not in just one year."

Derek nodded encouragingly, grateful for her honesty.

She smiled and shrugged. "I am glad we're here," she told him. "I don't know that I let myself picture today a year ago, but now that I'm here I wouldn't rather be anywhere else." As he had, she was referring to their life together.

"I'm glad."

"I'm glad, too."

With one last kiss, Derek reached to release the elevator from its emergency stop. They waited in comfortable silence as the elevator moved to their floor, and then they walked together to the cafeteria.

Following tradition, after they purchased lunch, they went to his office to eat. Both being hungry, they ate in relative silence for several moments before Derek sat back against the couch with a sigh. She placed both their plates on the small table by the couch and leaned back like her husband, resting her head against his shoulder. "Tired?"

"Getting there."

She patted his knee. "You just have to get through this afternoon. Then you can go home and sleep."

"But it's Christmas. We should spend time together."

"We're spending time together now."

"It's not the same. It's our first Christmas in our new home. And our first Christmas being married. I don't want to sleep through it."

She smiled at his insistence. "Derek, you haven't slept in thirty hours. It's okay to be tired."

He shifted to wrap his arm over her shoulder. "I know," he said, pressing a kiss to her temple as she resettled against him. "But it's Christmas," he repeated.

"Maybe you can sleep here before we go home," she suggested. "Even a couple hours could help."

"As long as I don't get paged again."

"Well, there is that." She laughed. "Sorry. I guess this job just kind of sucks on days like this."

"A little."

"I'm glad that at least we're both stuck here together."

He tightened his hold around her. "I'd be fine being stuck anywhere, as long as you were there, too."

"Corny," she said with a laugh, wrinkling her nose.

He shrugged and let his head hang right back to rest on the back of the couch. She guessed that his eyes were closed, too, even though she couldn't see them from her angle.

"Derek?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you ever question why you're a doctor?" They hadn't yet discussed the new questions posed by her last therapy session two days prior. With their hectic holiday schedule, she hadn't even had a chance to bring it up.

"Not really," he said with a yawn.

"Why did you become a doctor?"

"To save lives."

She smiled at the simplicity of his answer. To Derek, it probably was simple. He may play up the whole surgeon-with-a-god-complex stereotype, but at the end of the day, he was devoted to his patients. He fought for every life he saved and he felt every loss. After losing his father as a child, he'd probably set out to save lives like those of his father. Simple. A far cry from her path to medicine.

"But...do you ever question why you wanted to save lives?" She pressed. He usually had the answers she needed, or at least the key to getting her answers.

He shifted a bit beside her. "After watching my dad die, I guess I wanted to be able to save people instead of...well, not."

"There was nothing you could have done," she whispered. She may be the one pushing the conversation, but she didn't want him stressing over something so far out of his control.

"I know. But that doesn't change the fact that when it happened, I felt like I should be able to do more. And now I can."

She nodded and took several moments to digest his words. His path to medicine had started from a young age, and had been initialized by a tragic event, but there had been no unhealthy role model for little Derek Shepherd growing up. Medicine had been his choice. He hadn't simply followed his sisters' leads or thrown himself into medicine in an attempt somehow go back and stop his father from being murdered in front of himself. He made the decision by himself and for himself. And he was clearly content with the result.

"Do you think you still would have become a doctor if your father had lived?"

No answer.

"Derek?" She prompted quietly, concerned she had upset him with painful memories on Christmas day. Still no response. She cautiously raised her head, but quickly smiled at the sight.

After more than thirty hours straight of life saving, he'd fallen asleep in the silence she'd taken to process his words. She reached out and brushed her palm against his cheek. "Oh, you," she murmured. He worked so hard and gave so much. He was the kind of doctor she wanted to be.

Her heart swelled with love for the exhausted man beside her. He was so good. And he was hers. How she'd managed to get so lucky, she may never know, but she would never take him for granted.

Leaning in, she pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth.

He shifted slightly, and she used the small amount of awareness he had to prompt him to lay down on the couch. He groggily followed her directions. When he settled, he reached for her, but she forced herself to pull away. If she let him hold her now, she wouldn't be able to pull herself away any time soon, and she needed to get back to the floor. Instead, she knelt down beside him and pried his pager off of his waistband. Placing it on the pillow by his head, she leaned in and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "If you don't get paged, I'll wake you in a few hours."

"Mmm-kay," he mumbled. He took one deep breath, and then he was asleep.

"This sucks," Cristina complained, drumming her fingers annoyingly on the table of the conference room the three residents has taken over to catch up on their charts.

Izzie glared at her from across the table. "You know what else sucks? Not being able to concentrate because someone is making too much noise."

Cristina glared back at Izzie and continued to drum her fingers.

"Seriously," Izzie snapped, smacking her hand on the table for effect.

With a sigh and eye roll, Cristina stopped. She sighed again. "It's just that this is supposed to be a plus to being Jewish. I'm supposed to work Christmas, without feeling guilty about missing out on family time-"

"Like you actually feel guilt," Izzie mumbled.

Ignoring Izzie, Cristina continued with, "-And get all the good surgeries without the competition. Right? Right! Except there are no surgeries. Every OR is empty. The ER is empty. Everyone is stable. Why do these things happen to me? It's not fair."

"You realize you're whining that no one had their Christmas ruined by getting into an accident bad enough to need surgery, right?" Meredith pointed out.

"Yes, because they've ruined my Christmas."

Meredith laughed at both Cristina's pouting and Izzie's expression of disgust.

"I'm just saying," Cristina continued, huffing at Izzie's expression. She turned to Meredith. "You understand me, right?"

Meredith shrugged. "Usually, yes, but today I've got an hour and a half left before I can go wake up my husband and go home to salvage what's left of Christmas day."

Cristina made a face like she had a bad taste in her mouth. "I hate happy married you."

Meredith laughed.

"Are you and Derek going to have a Christmas dinner?" Izzie asked.

"We'll have dinner. On Christmas." She laughed. "We did the whole turkey dinner thing for Thanksgiving. Tonight will be leftovers and whatnot."

"That's too bad."

She shrugged. "It's really not that big a deal. Even stuck at the hospital for most of the day is infinitely better than what I used to do for Christmas. And I have Derek and you guys."

"Okay, seriously," Cristina cut in before Izzie could respond. "What happened to you? You're too happy. It's unsettling."

"It's nice being happy," she retorted.

Cristina shrugged before returning her attention to her charts. Izzie offered her a warm smile before following Cristina's lead. Meredith sighed as she too looked back down to her charts, but found she couldn't concentrate on the notes she should be making because she was suddenly preoccupied by her own statement.

It's nice being happy.

Was she really happy? She was pretty sure she was. Not all the time, but overall. And not only because of Derek. She really, really loved him and was absolutely certain she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, but just him wasn't enough to make her this happy. And if she was living life for the wrong reasons, she wouldn't be happy, right? If possible, her own mind shrugged at her question, reminding her she had no answers.

"Do you either of you ever question why you became doctors?"

"Nope," Cristina said without looking up or even losing speed in her notes.

"Sometimes," Izzie said, "Like when I'm having a bad day or lose a patient. But then I remind myself that I get to try and save the next one." She shot Meredith an empathetic smile. "Did you lose a patient?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. I meant the question more...broad. Everyone has those bad days where they question why it's worth it-"

"I don't," Cristina cut in, again without looking up.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Fine, everyone except Cristina has those days. But do you ever question why you want to do this?"

Izzie furrowed her brow as she contemplated Meredith's question. "I don't think so. I wanted to make something of myself. I was good at science. I wanted to help people. It seemed like a good fit."

Meredith nodded as she absorbed Izzie's words, jealous again of the simplicity in the reasoning.

"Why?"

She sighed as the tables were turned on her when she could barely organize her own thoughts, let alone make sense of them. Derek normally helped her to at least be able to sort out her thoughts, but with their hectic shifts the last two days, they hadn't talked about her last session yet. He had driven her home in comfortable silence after he'd been paged to pick her up at Wyatt's office. Then they'd shared a quiet dinner before going to be early to prepare for their thirty-six hour shift. He'd given her the space to internalize all of her new thoughts, all the while offering unwavering support. He seemed to understand that she needed to internalize first to be able to explain things to him. Something Izzie didn't know to do. Still, though, she'd try.

"I think... I think I became a doctor for the wrong reasons. In fact, I know I became a doctor for the wrong reasons. I always found science and math easy, but I was never a hard worker. I only applied to med school to prove I could get in. And then I only went because my mom got sick and I guess I was...trying to prove something or trying to make her happy. Now I'm not sure if it's really what I want."

"Who cares how or why you got here?" Cristina said, finally looking up from her charts. True to her character, she acted indifferent, but once she realized Meredith was actually struggling, she focussed on her friend. "It only matters that you're here now. You're smart, you work hard and you're good at what you do."

"But I only became a doctor for my mother. It was what she wanted, not me."

"That doesn't matter," Cristina reiterated. "It's what you want now."

"I don't know that it is," she admitted.

With a huff, Cristina shot her an exasperated look. "Of course it's what you want now."

"How do I know that?"

Cristina made a show of rolling her eyes, and when she continued, her tone was that one may use to explain something simple to a young child for the umpteenth time. "If it wasn't what you wanted, you wouldn't be here. Your mother's dead. If you were only here for her, you would have quit after she died."

"It's not that simple," she insisted. Cristina just didn't understand; she had a simple explanation and path for having become a doctor. Meredith didn't. It wasn't the same.

"It is that simple," Cristina argued. "You work hundred hour weeks. You work thirty to forty hours straight without sleep consistently. You live off of too little sleep and crappy hospital food. You practically mainline coffee to stay awake. You don't get free time. You don't have a social life. And there's no end in sight. And this is after a year of internship, four years of medical school and a bachelor's degree. You may have gone to medical school and joined this program for the wrong reasons, but you don't get this far unless you love what you do. It's not worth it. It's too much of a commitment to stick with for the wrong reasons."

Meredith opened her mouth to refute Cristina's argument, but not a single argument came to mind.

"If you didn't want this, you wouldn't be here," Cristina added. "It doesn't matter why you got started, it matters why you're here now. Look at how many interns started with us on our first day and how many of them are still here. And don't you remember the Chief's speech? A lot of people struggle and wash out of this program, Mer. But you're not one of them. You're thriving, not struggling."

Izzie nodded. "I hate to say that I agree with Cristina, but I agree with Cristina. A lot of people don't make it this far because they don't want it enough."

Maybe it was that simple, after all.

"Look at the contest," Cristina pointed out. "You competed because you wanted to, because you're competitive. Competitive like a surgeon. You're a surgeon, Meredith. It's who you are."

"You are," Izzie agreed. "And you love it. You know you love it. Ten hour surgeries. Saving lives. Making a difference. It's who we are."

Another good point. Meredith had to admit that she did love the job. She loved being in surgery. She loved the rush of learning something new and saving a life. And she enjoyed the non-surgical aspects. Not paperwork, she thought, staring unseeingly at the chart under her hands, but the other stuff. She enjoyed interacting with patients. She enjoyed the investigative side. Symptoms. Diagnosis. The challenge of trying to find the answer and the thrill of being right. The high she felt at helping to save a life; something she had experienced in her very first surgery and each one since.

And she was good at her job. Derek often told her she was the best resident in the hospital. She told him he was biased, and still thought that, but that didn't mean she wasn't up there. She had won the contest. She knew how good her peers were, especially Cristina, and she had beaten them all. She knew she had a good reputation in the hospital. Attendings who weren't her husband trusted her. She worked well with the other residents. The interns respected her. The nurses liked her. She had good experiences at work that allowed her to be confident in her skills and to seek and develop new ones.

It was worth all of the paperwork and lack of sleep and crappy food and constant exhaustion that came along with it.

It was worth it.

It was worth it because it was what she wanted.

Meredith laughed out loud at the realization. Both Izzie and Cristina shot her confused looks, and then exchanged a look that clearly said both thought she was going crazy, which only caused her to laugh harder. Because it was that simple. She was a doctor; a surgeon. Because she wanted to be. She may have started out for her mother, but she was here now for herself. She didn't care about making her mother proud or living up to any expectations. She only cared about making herself proud; of living up to her own expectations for herself.

"Oh," she said as she tried to catch her breath. Liberating tears streamed down her cheeks. "It's so simple," she said, still laughing.

"Riiiiight," Izzie said. "When was the last time you got some sleep?"

Meredith shook her head. "Last night. This isn't lack of sleep induced. I've just been trying to figure out some things for..." Days? Weeks? My entire life?

"Well, glad we could help," Cristina said sarcastically.

"You did help," Meredith insisted.

"You really didn't know if you wanted to be a surgeon?" Izzie asked.

"No, I guess not. I'm just..." She trailed off for a moment, contemplating how much to say. Izzie and Cristina looked on expectantly. Her family. People she'd do anything for and whom she knew would do anything for her. "I've been seeing a therapist," she admitted. "I'm trying to work through a few things."

Her admission clearly took both Izzie and Cristina by surprise.

"You know how sometimes everything gets so mixed up and confusing in your head? I guess that happened. I was making the questions more complicated than they needed to be. Why did I become a surgeon? To live up to what my mother wanted. But why am I a surgeon now? Because it's what I want. I want this. I choose to do this with my life."

Cristina blinked. "If you'd just asked me that in the first place, I could have saved you the money. In fact, I think Iz and I should charge for this session."

Meredith laughed, knowing Cristina comment meant nothing but acceptance in Meredith having to seek help from a therapist.

"I think it's great, Mer," Izzie added. "We could all use some help."

"I don't need any help. I'm perfect," Cristina deadpanned, causing all three to laugh.

At the end of her shift, Meredith was happy to find her husband right where she'd left him; asleep on the couch in his office. She was grateful he'd been able to avoid being paged and get a few hours of much needed rest.

Kneeling next to him on the floor, she ran her fingers through his hair. "Derek," she murmured.

He groaned.

"It's time to go home," she whispered. "Can you wake up long enough to get to the car? Then we can go home and you can sleep in our bed instead of on the couch.

He blinked sleepily up at her. "'s the end of the day already?"

She nodded. "You fell asleep at lunch, and apparently didn't get paged. I checked on your patients before I came up here. Everyone's stable."

He slowly sat up and swayed a bit before shaking his head. "It's Christmas."

She nodded, biting back a laugh at how slow he was being. If a pager awoke him, he was immediately aware and alert, but without that adrenaline inducing start, he was like this after too little sleep.

He met her eyes. "It's our second Christmas."

"It is," she agreed, leaning in to kiss him.

He kissed her back after only a short pause. "I'm a little tired."

This time she did laugh. "Yes, you are. But you have every right to be. Three people will live to see another Christmas because of you."

He beamed at her.

She beamed back, happy that she could make him so happy. "Now, get up and get changed out of your scrubs. I'll drive us home. We have to call your mother, and then you can go back to sleep."

He stood and proceeded to exchange his scrubs for his street clothes. "You're staring," he commented.

She shrugged. "I'm allowed. I thought it was my Christmas present?"

Jeans on, but shirtless, he snaked his hands around her waist and pulled her to him. Without giving her a moment, he captured her lips with his, telling her he was now much more awake than moments ago.

"You're happy," he commented once he had pulled away.

"You're half naked and you just kissed me, why wouldn't I be happy?"

He smirked. "No, before that. You're...happy."

She shrugged, her shoulders feeling light and tension free as she did so. She felt lighter than she had in days. Her life made sense again; possibly more so than ever before. "I'm a surgeon. And I love it."

He raised an eyebrow. "And this is news?"

She laughed. "It's a long story. We haven't had time to talk." She snaked her hand up his bare chest and around his neck, and pulled his lips back down to hers. "I'll explain everything tomorrow once we've both gotten some sleep," she whispered between kisses. "Just know that I'm doing this for me. And I'm happy."

He pecked her lips once last time before pulling away to retrieve his shirt. "Okay."

"And Derek?"

"Mmm?" He mumbled as he pulled his shirt over his head.

"I really, really love you." It wasn't part of her realization of the day, but knowing she was a surgeon for herself reminded her of her relationship, which was also for herself, and it made her happy. And she wanted to share her happiness.

"I really, really love you, too," he responded, smiling brightly.

Taking his hand, she tugged him towards the door. Together, they walked down to the front lobby and out to the car. She drove them home.

The moment they entered their condo, Meredith felt another smile take over her face. This was her home. She chose to live here with her husband, just like she chose to get married and chose to be a surgeon. Just like she would one day choose to have kids. Soon, she and Derek would sit down and talk about when they would choose to start their family.

And all of these choices had been made and would be made for the right reasons.

Meredith had a lot more control over her life than she had let herself think. Ellis wasn't perched over her shoulder trying to control her like she'd thought. Yes, there were times when she reacted badly and sought a role model, but most of the time she was making her own decisions. She just had to make most of the time into all of the time.

"I like seeing you so happy," Derek commented as they walked into the kitchen together. He had rallied in the car and seemed much more awake.

She smiled at him. "I like feeling so happy."

"You've seemed...uncertain since your last session. I wasn't sure..."

"I had to figure some things out." She hopped up on the counter near the stove. Derek had offered to prepare dinner and she planned to keep him company. It was Christmas and she wanted to spend every moment possible with her husband. It didn't matter that they'd worked most of the day or that they didn't have time to make a fancy dinner. It only mattered that they were together.

"Which you clearly did."

She nodded. "I did. And I will tell you all about it tomorrow. Today I just want to spend the rest of my Christmas with my husband."

He stepped between her dangling legs and wrapped his arms around her middle. "Next year we'll really celebrate. Request the day off early. Refuse to fold when Richard insists we work anyway. Have a big dinner. Everything."

"Maybe we could take more than the day off," she suggested. "Maybe take a week and go visit your family."

He pecked her lips. "You'd do that?"

"I think it would be nice...to do the family holiday thing. And it would make your mom happy..."

He kissed her again. "It would be really nice to go there for Christmas. It's been a long time."

"Then we'll go."

He cocked his head and stared at her.

"What?"

He shrugged. "You just seem...different. Even from lunch."

"I figured some things out. And now I feel...like this is all going to be okay. I'm going to figure the rest out. The worst is behind me, or whatever."

Not even bothering to suppress his smirk, he pressed his hand to her forehead.

Laughing, she swatted his hand away. "Shut up!"

"I didn't say anything."

"But you were thinking it."

"How do you know what I was thinking?"

She hooked her hands behind his neck and pulled him closer. "Because I know you."

"You do, huh?"

She nodded and kissed him. "I do. And I know that you're still a little worried about me, but I want you to know that I'm really okay."

"Okay. But do you know what else I'm thinking?"

She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips as she considered it. "That you love me?" She asked playfully.

He laughed out loud and kissed her soundly before pulling away. "Other than that."

"That I'm crazy?"

"I don't think that, I know that," he bantered.

She swatted at him.

He tightened his arms around her as his face grew serious. "I was thinking I'm glad you did this for yourself. I know I didn't understand at first, but now I do. And I'm proud of you, Meredith."

Another example of her making a decision for herself. Therapy. She smiled. "Thank you."

He kissed her softly. "You're very welcome."

"I'm glad, too. It makes more sense now; I make more sense to myself." She pulled him into a hug and rested her chin on his shoulder. "My mom started me on this unhealthy role model path, but she doesn't dictate my everyday life. I may have started out with her as a role model, but somewhere along the line that changed."

He hugged her tight.

"And now I'm living for myself almost all of the time. It's only sometimes that I look for role models, and I'm going to fix that. I know I can do this."

"I know you can do it, too. You can do anything."

She smiled as she melted into his embrace. She snaked her hands around his neck and hugged him tight, his warm body pressed comfortingly against hers, making her feel loved and safe.

"You're amazing," he murmured into her hair, "So strong."

Happy tears welled in her eyes. "You help me be strong. I realized I made a lot more progress in the last year and a half than I had realized. And I couldn't have gotten as far as I did without you."

"I changed a lot, too," he responded. "For the better. And I couldn't have done it without you."

She lifted her head away from his shoulder to meet his eyes, which also had sheens of moisture across them. They were as blue as she'd ever seen them. She lifted a hand to touch his cheek. "We make a good pair, huh?"

He pressed his hand against hers. "We do," he agreed. "We really do."

She kissed him. "I love you."

He nudged his nose against hers and kissed her again. "I love you, too."

"I like spending Christmas with you."

"Even though we had to work?"

She nodded. "You make it special."

He smirked. "Now who's being corny?"

She scrunched up her nose, but laughed. "Me," she said simply. "But I'm allowed today. Because it's Christmas."

He gazed at her for a long moment, his eyes filled with the love and adoration she'd come to get used to. "I'm really glad you're happy, Mer," he whispered.

"Me too. I'm glad we're happy." She shrugged. "I can't believe how quickly life changes. I mean, two Christmases ago I was in my last year of med school and living in Boston. Other than going to see my mom in the nursing home, I didn't do anything Christmas-y. It was just a day I wanted to ignore." She paused. "I was...lonely."

"I was lonely, too," he said. "I felt disconnected from my family and unhappy in my marriage. I went to my mom's for dinner, but I felt out of place. I couldn't feel happy."

"We'll go next year," she said, "And make new memories. Happy memories."

He nodded, but before he could respond, his cell phone rang. With a sigh, he reached to pull it off his waistband, but then smiled when he saw the call display. "Speak of the devil." He answered the call and put in on speakerphone. "Merry Christmas, Mom."

"Merry Christmas," Jane's voice filtered through the phone. "I hope you're having a good day."

"Pretty good," Derek answered, holding the phone between himself and Meredith. His free hand was resting on her hip as he stood between her dangling legs. "We actually just got home."

"Is Meredith there?"

"Yes, you're on speaker."

"Merry Christmas, Jane," Meredith spoke up.

"Merry Christmas, dear," Jane responded happily. "You sound calmer this year."

"Calmer?"

"You were nervous last year when we talked."

Meredith laughed at the memory. She had spoken to Jane for the very first time last Christmas. "You're right. I was nervous. You were Derek's mom and I was the new girlfriend who didn't know how to do the family thing."

Jane laughed. "Well, you're family now. I'm glad you're not nervous anymore."

Meredith smiled at how easily Jane had said she was family. It was nice being part of a family. She may not have been able to envision it the year before, but she was infinitely grateful now that she was here. "A lot changes in a year."

Derek smiled at her over the phone and she smiled back, wondering suddenly how she would look back on this moment a year from now. With any luck, she and Derek would spend the next Christmas in New York with his family. Their family. How much different would their lives be then? She'd be a third year resident. They'd still be living in their new home, though it wouldn't be new anymore. Would they have decided to start a family yet? Maybe. She'd have to be pregnant in the next three months to have a baby by the next Christmas, and she knew that was too soon, but maybe she'd be pregnant by then. Maybe they'd be able the make the announcement to the Shepherds. The thought made her smile. Now that she'd experienced so much good that she'd once thought herself incapable of, she wanted to experience more. The possibilities for change over the next year were endless.