Chapter 46- Why…

=Still 1st Long Ren's PoV= Also, read till the end AND a/n if you want to comment something negative, otherwise just don't or SMD.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. My head down, as always. I can't help but think how my 5 years of experience here barely changed who I am.

I've killed, I've crippled, I've done everything I had never imagined wanting to do, yet the one thing I wanted, I couldn't.

The one thing I wanted to change from my past never happened. I guess avoiding them only made the matter worse.

" long ren! What happened to your hand?" I heard her exclaim.

I felt her grabbing my left hand and inspecting it, to say she was soft would be a lie. She just yanked my arm near to her face, focusing on the missing pinkie.

I saw her eyes glaring at me from the gap, she wanted an explanation and she wants it now. But that's not important.

"It's nothing important, but, can we talk?" I said. She had just glossed over my abrupt apology, which helped clear my head a bit. It was a bad apology.

She saw my tired expression and relented. Her mouth let out a small sigh as she pushed me in.

I followed her into what I assume was a dining room, a grandiose table set stood in the middle, able to fit 50 people easily. She took me past it, into another smaller room with a table for four and sat us down.

We sat down facing each other, I kept avoiding her expectant gaze, it hurts me.

She sighed and said, "You look tired and famished, do you want to eat?"

"No…no need, I'm just here to talk about something," I said. Even if she laid the most delicious meal right in front of me, I won't be able to taste anything but nervousness.

She put on the ring laying in the middle of the table and took out water. "At least drink something, please," She said, handing me the bottle, her brows scrunched, showing a pleading expression.

Why.

Why do you care so much about me?

Stop, please! You'll only be more disappointed! I don't deserve this!

…

But, in the end, I complied, I took the bottle and drank it in one go. Her expression seemed to relax.

She supported her head with her right palm and asked. "Why do you look so tired?".

…I could hear the concern in her soft voice,

I waved my hand to her worry, "It's nothing, I just sparred."

"Something's wrong, won't you tell me?", She said. My answer did not satisfy her as she kept staring straight into my eyes, her eyes contained her usual gentleness, yet are now mixed with a pleading look.

"...I.." I stuttered. I can't seem to find the words to spell it out. But even if I did, I don't think I'd even be able to let it out. I think I'm sweating even more now, I can feel them on my pale cheeks.

"You can tell me, We're friends, right?' She said as she looked at me straight and palmed her hand over mine.

…

As I hear her voice, I blinked and recognized those words. I despise those exact words.

Those words are plain excuses they used to dump on me, yet I've never outgrown them. As if a drug abusing me, those words make my acts stupid and my mind numb.

And yet this time, it seemed different.

I can't find fault in her. Unlike the usual, I can't just lie and say "okay".

Because, for the first time, I felt like I really was…okay.

"...Okay," I said.

I didn't know when or what happened, but my mind starts calming down.

I stared at her amber eyes and it felt like everything finally became clear, it was as if one of my many shackles was finally being torn down.

I saw her smile at my response, guess she felt glad huh, why?... I don't know. But I'm glad too.

"It…nothing really, I just want to say sorry."

"Sorry? Why?" She tilts her head, her ponytail swayed as she stared at me,

"...I've been avoiding you, excuses after excuses kept pouring out when I should've just told you that, I can't keep up," I said, my heart clenched, This is the moment, either she left me as everyone did, or maybe…just maybe.

Just maybe, I can be selfish for once. Acting for myself and not minding others' thoughts, or others' views towards me.

I'd like that.

I looked upwards, finding her eyes staring at me with unfiltered surprise. She slowly got up and viciously slammed the table, "HUH?! THAT'S IT?!" I heard her scream.

I snapped and stumbled from the chair. I did not expect that one bit.

For her to scream like that, not to mention slamming the table, I must've pissed her off THAT much.

Cracks began to form as the table almost split into two, strong as always. I looked at her, and she was mad, to say the least.

Is this it? Is this where we part ways?

"I'm sorry," I muttered. Maybe I was wrong, it will be the same as always. At least this time, she showed a mad expression, better than one of pure despise. Those hurt me the most.

I slowly got up and showed a wry smile. As I was about to leave, she grabbed my hand and forcefully sat me back down. "Ouch!". I exclaimed, rubbing my red wrist,

"You're not leaving." She said, glaring at me, her tone leaving me no room to negotiate.

"...Okay?" I responded. Why though? Aren't we done? You're mad at me, and I'm a disappointment.

I looked at her eyes as she looked at mine, it hurts, Yun Ning, it really hurts right now. I can't look at you.

I averted my gaze downwards only for my chin to be lifted up by her trained hands, "Look at me!" She said. She positioned my eyes to forcefully stare at hers,

I almost closed my eyes yet the look on her face made me not. Her face now showed an expression I felt extremely familiar with.

Somehow, her battle-junkie side decided to make an appearance. "Let's reset! What happened to you?" She asked,

"...Nothing, I just…I'm sorry I can't keep up with you anymore,"

"So? That's why you've been avoiding me all this month? Just because you can't keep up with my pace?"

"...yes, I'm sorry I disappointed you," I muttered, only to receive a slap on my right cheek, twice over. She held my body with her hands, making me bobble in place while receiving the slaps.

"Stop it." She said, "Stop saying sorry for everything."

"..."

"And what the…haaah, what the fuck made you act like this…" She asked. Her face made an absolutely confused expression as she cursed at me for the first time.

"I realized something was wrong when you started avoiding me, but this? I really don't get it." She continued. "Explain your thoughts, now, or else you won't leave, ever!"

I shuddered, her sword now lays beside my neck as its tip nicked my throat, I do not know when she even let it out but I digress, it didn't matter right now.

I decided I might as well let it all out, I can't keep bottling these thoughts any longer, this was my final straw.

I don't think I'll be, or rather, I couldn't interact with anyone else if this crumbles down.

"What else do you want me to say? I'm just a disappointment to you! I can't follow your request, I can't even make you go all out for even a second, I can't even tell you straight without avoiding you first!

You should just leave me, like the others!..." I exclaimed, only to soon realized I have just uttered the stupidest thing ever in both worlds combined. My face turned ashen, as my words trailed off.

Why…why did I tell her to leave…