Chapter 7 The exorcist

I am extremely stubborn, there is no doubt about that, but unfortunately I soon had to admit that so was Mrs. Giacometti.

Innumerable families of hicks and cretins of every financial situation followed one another, all of them convinced that they had found the ideal house.

Of course I scared them away as fast as possible but the dauntless real estate agent like the mythic hydra grew new heads in the place of each one I’d cut.

The worst part was that my reputation as a haunted house instead of putting off my wannabe tenants drew more new and increasingly crazy ones, determined to prove they could deal with my ghosts, demons and monsters better than those who had come before them. Unfortunately the world is full of loonies meshing with things they should not.

Anyway, although the disbelievers, the nutcases and the plain idiots weren’t in short supply, finally Giacometti to her great sadness realized that the search for new suckers willing to pay good money to live in me was becoming increasingly difficult. So she reached a decision I couldn’t possibly have foreseen.

One day her old car, a real piece of junk, stopped outside my garden and there she was furious and feisty. I gave her a look through my attic windows as if she were some kind of a bug, since, to tell the truth, she wasn’t so much different than a plain old cockroach, and she was equally resilient. The woman stood in front of me, looked at me like she was measuring her opponent and she waved a paper to me in a showy manner.

‘Do you see that?’ she screamed furiously. ’I’ve had it with your tricks. This here ad is the end of your haunting days:

“Doctor Mystero, psychic mentalist and qualified exorcist guarantees that he can unhaunt even the most stubborn haunted houses. Skeletons in your closets? Vampires in the family graveyard? None of it poses a challenge for Doctor Mystero. Doctor Mystero can rid you of even the most persistent metaphysical pests. Head of INUNEX, International Union of Exorcists.”

I don’t have to tell you that the mere sound of that threat brought shivers to my last beam. Now what was I supposed to do? That doctor Mystero seemed to be the worst nightmare of every haunted house, castle and manor. I wished with all my heart I had legs to run away. But of course houses, even remarkable haunted ones like me, don’t have legs.

Signora Giacometti was beside herself with joy, so much so actually that she started dancing and singing:

Long enough you terrified us

Frightened, scared and stupefied us.

You’ll become a simple house

with no ghost, spider or mouse.

Now the exorcist will come

treat you like a proper scum.

With a spell he will dehaunt

sever every ghostly bond.

There is nothing you can do

he is here, so say adieu!

‘When you become a regular house, I will find my peace of mind again,’ continued Giacometti with a mean smile, after she’d finished her nasty little song. ‘When you are dehaunted, I’ll have no trouble finding a tenant for you.’

And with those words she got in her car and drove away laughing hysterically.

‘A regular house,’ I repeated bitterly.

‘You must not give up so easily,’ said Alberto from his usual spot on the branch of my dead tree. ‘It’s a known fact that most of those exorcists are complete frauds. I feel confident that he will not succeed in dehaunting you and that he will leave with his tail between his legs.’

‘You’ve heard her,’ I said completely demoralized, ‘the man is head of INUNEX. I haven’t got a chance.’

‘So what are you going to do?’ asked curiously the raven.

‘I have to find a way to break the news to my monsters. They have to make other arrangements now that – sniff – I’m getting dehaunted. It wouldn’t be fair for them to find out at the last moment.’

The same afternoon I called a meeting in my basement. My monsters already suspected that something sinister was at hand but none of them could grasp the full impact of what was happening and the sheer magnitude of the devastation that this exorcist was about to bring in our peaceful little lives, till I announced them the news.

My ghosts started crying woefully. My skeletons, with Bony as their leader, started to rattle their jaws out of fright. Draculeta screamed and became even paler than usual. Slimetooth started swearing and cursing with Redpaw, while Gorge was getting increasingly desperate.

‘That’s it!’ she said. ‘I’m homeless once again like back when that lowlife chopped my tree for firewood. Travelling elf, ladies and gentlemen! That’s right, I have a good reason for hating people. That’s the second time they force me to leave my home.’

‘In the newspaper “Il Monstro”,’ said Bony, ‘I read there is an employment agency somewhere in Hades that seeks a skeleton for the position of ferryman. The money isn’t great, but it’s better than nothing. I don’t suppose they will give me the job, because they usually ask for experience and I get seasick on boats.’

‘You are better off than me,’ said Draculeta, ‘for me it’s back to Transylvania with those blood thirsty peasants chasing me with their pitchforks. Damn! Those illiterate wackos have wiped out my entire family. One step out of the castle and the mob is there waiting. Haven’t they got anything better to do? “In the stake with her” “Bring holy water to drown her” “Bring garlic to stink up her whole castle” “Put her out in the sun to roast”.That's all I hear stake,roast her, garlic. I feel like a porkchop in my own castle. They hate us.’

‘Hey, you can't be serious,’ said Slimetooth angrily, ‘I think all of you must be out of your minds.At the first sign of trouble you are ready to give up. Well I have no intention whatsoever to abandon my home and run to save my hide like a cowardly jackal .If he is so powerful I say let him come and try!’

‘But what can we do?’ asked Redpaw. ‘Those people have powers and knowledge. He'll use them against us if we try to resist ! Mighty spells, incantations, potions and the list goes on !’

‘I’ll tell you what we can do,’ said Slimetooth. ‘We’ll do what we are great at, what kept us free for so long, we’ll scare the life out of him. Everybody is afraid of something, even exorcists. The house is great at stuff like that. It will find his weakness in a jiffy and we’ll use that weakness to our advantage. Something in his childhood, a teacher, some ugly nanny. You’ll see that when he sees her in one of our rooms he will start crying like a baby.’

‘If you think it will be so easy frightening him, you’ve got another thing coming,’ said a ghost. ‘Before I came here I had sneaked with some friends into an old country manor. Everything was going fine, till they hired one of those guys to drive us out. He threw us all out like it was nothing. None of our tricks worked. We tried everything to get rid of him: we rattled our chains, we screamed, we moved around the house with our severed heads in our hands but to no avail. All these things just made him more determined to throw us all out. At the end none of us managed to stay there.’

‘I’ll go pack,’ said Draculeta. When mother night comes to cover the sky with her starry veil I will take my bat-form and fly to Transylvania. Should you decide to stay and fight, Slimetooth, I wish you the best of luck. Sorry, but I just can’t risk it. The last thing I need is a stake through the heart, while I’m sleeping peacefully in my coffin with my lucky voodoo doll. I will leave you my address and should you by some miracle manage to get rid of this exorcist, just send alberto the crow with a message and I'll come back!’

‘Nooo!’ screamed Slimetooth ‘We must stay together or none of us has a chance.’

But all his efforts were in vain. Draculeta just wouldn’t change her mind. In a little while the house resembled a beehive buzzing with activity. All my monsters were preparing for their departure. Bony was trying to find work for himself and his skeletons and he was calling every single one of his possible employers begging for a job.

‘Listen here, Mr. demonic necromancer! I don’t think that two hundred years is such an advanced age for a skeleton. I wouldn’t presume to challenge your judgment but I must insist that my team and I will be a valuable addition to your undead army… I see, I see! You don’t have to be so rude. I just hope you won’t regret it… Well, right back at you… No, YOU are a worthless pile of bones, you old goat!’ screamed Bony full of rage and immediately hung up and put the receiver back in place with a huge bang.

‘It’s no use trying,’ said Slimetooth with a particularly pleased smile, ‘no one is going to hire you and your group of old skeletons. The only thing left to do is to stay and fight.’

‘You mind your own business!’ said Bony in a particularly unfriendly tone. ’So, according to this other ad, ‘Chaotic evil demon seeks satanic servants to walk his Cerberus Floppy, to escort his wife Persephone to the mall for her shopping and to help clean his dark abode.’ This sounds promising. I think I’ll check it out.’

‘Yeah, dream on!’ said Slimetooth indifferently. ‘I have to say, I feel shame, my friend Bony, So now your greatest ambition in your undead miserable life is to clean the huge dog turds of Floppy and to carry the long train of Signora Persephone’s gown.’

‘I’ve told you to mind your own business,’ replied Bony wrathfully and that was the end of their discussion.

Meanwhile Draculeta had been packing for her trip to Transylvania shedding tears black as ink, as is the habit of vampires, and talking to herself.

‘A warm little cape for the cold,’ she said folding up a black vampire cape and placing it in her suitcase. ‘It’s chilly in Transylvania this time of year. Don’t look at me like that!’ she said with a sob talking to her voodoo doll that was looking at her dolefully from the other side of her coffin. ‘You surely see that we have no choice. You think I won’t miss our lovely little coffin? We’ll find a better one at the castle. Don’t you remember what a nice oak coffin we had there? Of course those damned hicks may have burnt it by now, but that’s okay. We’ll order a new one, a better one. You’ll see that in a few months you won’t remember this haunted house… “Sob”… our home, our poor home! We’ll never see it again! This accursed exorcist is going to dehaunt it.’

‘You reap what you sow,’ said Slimetooth who, utterly disappointed with the stubborn Bony, had decided to play with the nerves of the sensitive vampire. ‘Have you no so little selfrespect? You, a noble vampire, to give up so easily and to whine like some dried-up old spinster. You have to fight.’

‘Leave me alone!’ screamed desperately Draculeta.

‘I don’t mean to interfere, but I think Slimetooth has a point,’ said Redpaw, who at that moment happened to be coming down the stairs that led to the basement. ‘I too think we have to fight and show to that stupid exorcist what real haunting is all about.’

‘But how?’ asked Draculeta. ‘We have no weapons to use against such a threat.’

‘That’s what I thought too, but look!’ said Redpaw and with these words he showed them a yellowish piece of paper.

‘What in the name of Belial's toenails is that?’ asked Slimetooth curiously.

‘I’ll tell you,’ replied Redpaw, ‘but I think that’s something that the others will want to hear too. I’ll notify Bony and his skeletons and of course the ghosts. In the meantime you’d better call the monsters of the attic, Gorge, Rot and the boogeymen. I may be out of my mind but I think we now have a chance.’

After a little while all the monsters had assembled in the basement anxious to hear this important new piece of information that Redpaw wanted to share with them.

‘So tell us what this hullabaloo is all about!’ said Bony impatiently. ‘Speak up, Redpaw! I had been thinking of not coming at all to this meeting but I must admit the search for a new job wasn't as fruitful as I hoped it would be. So spit it out! I have to say this world is going bananas. Experienced skeletons like us in the dole queue. Who would have thought of such a thing? Let's get this over with as quickly as possible, so that I can go back looking for a decent job!.’

‘Have patience, my friend Bony! What I have to say may save you a lot of trouble.’

‘What is it?’ asked Draculeta. ‘ The suspense is killing me. That’s of course a figure of speech, since I’m already undead. But never mind, go on!’

’It’s a ripped page from an old yearbook. It’s a bit yellowish after all this time, but one can still read it and that’s what counts. It seems to go back to the time when doctor Mystero was going to school. Look what his classmates had written about him:

‘Apollo Mystero, known to his friends as “the brush”. Good student, almost fearless. He’s not afraid of anything other than the dentist. Favorite movie: “The Exorcist”. Greatest ambition: to be knighted by the queen of England.’

‘I can’t believe it,’ said Bony. ‘Who could have slipped this under our door?’

‘I can’t say for sure,’ admitted Redpaw ‘but does it really matter?’

‘House, have you seen anything?’ asked the skeleton with a confused look.

‘I should have had,’ I replied, ‘but my attention had been drawn to my interior. I mean to all the stupid things you were doing and saying.’

‘Whatever the case might be, this piece of paper tells us something extremely important,’ said Redpaw.

‘No kidding and what, pray tell, is that?’ insisted Bony.

‘Need you ask?’ exclaimed Redpaw. ‘We now know the Achilles’ heel of the great exorcist. It’s something that, used to our full advantage, may give us a chance to win the battle, to triumph to be exact. Friends this is good news. I say we stay put and, when he comes, prepare for this slimy exorcist a welcome he will never forget.’

‘Yeees!’ shouted all my monsters with one voice like a choir, full of excitement.

As for me, as you can surely guess, I shouted louder than everyone else, since, unlike them, I couldn’t leave even if I wanted to.

The very next day Mrs. Giacometti’s junker parked once again outside my garden and out came a strange, rather tall man in a black suit carrying a little medical case. His stern expression reminded me of the sour face of a pastor, but the rest of his appearance emitted a dark air that said a different story. There was a man who had fought repeatedly and came face to face not in a theoretical but in a very actual and real way against the supernatural in all its forms and manifestations and had been victorious every single time.

The sad part was that one of those supernatural enemies happened to be me, a kindly, old haunted house. In Doctor Mystero’s eyes, since he was the man in the black suit, I and all my mostly harmless monsters represented the dark forces he was used to fight whenever he got the chance. It didn’t matter to him that all I was after was some peace and quiet and not having intruders walk about in my carefully neglected, dusty and full of tasteful cobwebs rooms. I was a haunted house and that’s all that mattered to him.

Without delay the tall man opened his case, took out a strange device like a transistor of some kind, turned it on and started observing the numbers that appeared on its screen with a grim expression on his face.

‘Hmmm,’ he said turning to Mrs. Giacometti with the characteristic look of an overconscientious internal revenue service employee studying a carefully drafted tax return form, ‘very interesting! Here we seem to have a type B demonic presence, a middle level haunting.’

‘That’s nice,’ said a bit at a loss Mrs. Giacometti ‘but what exactly does it mean?’

‘There’s no cause for worry,’ he said like a physician trying to reassure a sick patient. I think I’ll finish in no time with this troublesome house of yours. You keep time! I will eat my hat if I’m not through with this sordid business in less than an hour.’

‘What exactly will you do?’ asked curiously the woman.

‘It’s quite simple. My work is divided in two main parts.’

‘Is that all?’ she said somewhat surprised.

‘Yes it is. But it’s more complicated than it sounds. First of all one must take care of the “individual elements of the haunting”, and by that I mean the monsters that currently inhabit the house: ghosts, vampires, boogeymen and the like. Each one of them needs a special treatment.’

‘And after that?’ asked the real estate agent.

‘Then one must take care of the overall haunting. That second part is relatively simple. All it takes is an injection of concentrated anti-haunting formula to the foundation of the house and the haunting is over.’

‘You must enjoy your job very much,’ said the woman looking rather silly.

‘Indeed, Madam,’ admitted the exorcist. ‘You can’t imagine the excitement I feel when I banish a filthy demon, when I drive away a stubborn poltergeist, when I burn with holy water a toothy vampire, when I blow away with an energy bomb a group of disgusting boogey creatures. It’s a great job, Madam, but it takes someone truly fearless to do it. And I am fearless. I was lucky enough to be that way as a child and I’ve stayed so.’

I don’t have to tell you that my monsters had been eavesdropping and hearing everything hidden behind the front door and of course they were all trembling. That was a formidable enemy indeed.

‘I hope our plan will work,’ said Draculeta, ‘otherwise we are lost.’

‘Just give me the key, Signora Giakometti,’ said with confidence Doctor Mystero ‘and trust me! No spook or ghost will make you lose your sleep from now on.’

And with those words the tall man took the key and with slow, steady steps he walked to the front door.

My monsters disappeared to take their place in my various rooms and prepared to attack him each using its own individual power.

The key turned in the keyhole and the door opened to allow him to pass unhindered into my dark insides. Although I knew it wouldn’t be very effective, I greeted the enemy with a few characteristic sounds that we haunted houses use with unexpected intruders, to frighten and confuse them.

Moaning,screeching,evenevillaughter had always been useful weapons in my arsenal but, although I used them all to discourage the annoying man, the result was simply disappointing.

The exorcist opened his mouth wide, yawned, lifted his head and talked directly to me, something no one had ever dared to do with the exception of Mrs. Giacometti whose main characteristic was pure nerve. This dangerous man on the other hand seemed to have real courage.

‘You can’t be serious,’ he said annoyed. ‘If you hope that such nonsense will get you anywhere, you are not only haunted but terribly stupid too.’

That was going too far! No one had dared to offend me like that before. Now the real attack was about to begin. With macabre moans, hair raising howls and all the clever tricks they possessed my ghosts darted into the hall knocking down everything in their path. Without delay they surrounded the exorcist trying to scare him.

‘So what have we here?’ he said with little feeling. ‘Restless spirits, is that the best you can do?’

And without delay he opened his medical case and took out a spray canister. The words “ectoplasm concentrator” were written on it with big green letters.

‘What’s this now?’ I wondered. Unfortunately my question was to be answered soon.

One spraying was enough to bring about the strangest result. My poor ghosts like helpless little clouds started shrinking, shriveling and becoming heavier, until they got smaller than doctor Mystero’s little finger. As if that humiliation wasn’t enough, soon after that they started falling on the floor.

Then that ruthless man took out a small electric vacuum cleaner and used it to pick them up like little fallen pins. Α pitiful failure on my part to say the least.

But all was not lost yet. Now it was Draculeta’s turn to play her part. A vampire always brings shivers of fear even when someone is fearless, like that exorcist was. Draculeta after all was quite determined to play the part of the evil vampire till the end, even though she was far from being that.

Wearing her most impressive black and red cape she came down the stairs leading to the upper floor with the most arrogant expression on her face. She made her voice as heavy and impressive as she could and stood with truly enviable courage confronting that formidable enemy.

Μy good little vampiress did that not only for herself but also for us all. She was struggling to protect me and all my monsters and there is no fight more important than the one you give trying to protect your home and your friends.

‘You’ve made a grave mistake, exorcist, to cross our threshold,’ she said surrounded by her darkest aura. ‘Here you will find only your demise. The children of the night will drain your blood till the last drop.’

‘We are legion,’ whispered Redpaw. ‘Say it! It might work.’

‘We are legion,’ said Draculeta. ‘All the offspring of chaos have gathered in this house!’

‘You don’t say,’ laughed obviously amused the exorcist.

‘You are laughing mortal, but this irony will be your last.’

For a little while Doctor Mystero seemed to find highly amusing Draculeta’s empty threats, but finally he grew tired of them and decided to put an end to this whole business. Without much hurry he took out of his pocket an ordinary water pistol and pointed it at my vampire.

‘I see you have plenty of nerve, audacious human,’ said Draculeta. ‘How do you dare threaten me with a common water pistol?’

‘It may be a common water pistol,’ replied calmly the man, ‘but it is filled with holy water from Jerusalem.’

‘Mommy,’ cried Draculeta and with those words she turned into a bat and flew to the safety of my attic.

‘Where are you going?’ laughed the doctor ‘I didn’t think I’ll see the day when the forces of darkness would retreat so easily. I’ll take care later on of you and the demon that prompted your lines. Don’t think I will let you escape. For the time being I have many more of your friends to extinguish. Before I move on though, I have to find out exactly how many. Unfortunately for you I didn’t neglect to bring with me my special glasses with the monster tracer. This remarkable device sees through the thicker wall. In a few seconds I’ll know exactly how many you are and where you are hiding.’

Without wasting any more time that determined exorcist took out of his pocket a pair of strange blue glasses and put them on.

‘So,’ he said viciously, ‘I see that beside that ridiculous little vampire and the demon of the staircase you have half a dozen skeletons, about ten boogey creatures and a larger boogeyman, a few demons and some monsters of little importance. I think it would be a tremendous waste of time to hunt all those individual second class monsters. So today I’m going to change slightly my schedule and start from the overall haunting. Once they lose your protection, that small army of monsters will scatter easily. Just a second, while I consult the plan of the house Giacometti gave me to find out the exact location of the basement. When I am there, it will be easy to do the anti-haunting injection right to your demonic foundations.’

At the sound of the word “injection” I started trembling like there was an earthquake. I was terribly afraid of needles and shots especially when the result of them would be my transformation back into an ordinary house, a speechless house, a monsterless house, one might say a house without a soul. I had to do something. Fortunately, I hadn’t used up all my tricks yet.