Uncalled instincts (3)

Ignis's grip is tight, and his manners are rough.

He grabs my wrist and drags me under him. His other hand clenches my throat, and I widen my eyes in surprise. He doesn't press too much, for I don't feel like choking.

Yet, his strength is enough to keep me in place. I don't even try fighting back. Also, everything happens so fast that I don't have time to think of a defence. Let alone take action.

When his gritted teeth and threatening expression startle me, he opens his eyes wide and seems to recognise me.

«Veronica,» he whispers. More than a question, it seems like a notice. He's surprised, maybe a little guilty.

He releases my throat first, and then he sits on the bed. Again, he rubs his face and hair, just like yesterday.

Is this the reaction of a man that doesn't want to touch a woman? It's the same as yesterday. So similar that it makes me realise it's worse than I imagined.

«I'm sorry,» he whines. «I can't believe I almost hurt you... I can't believe it... I'm sorry, Veronica.»

I sit by his side and straighten my dress while recomposing my cool.

His voice is so desperate. As if touching me polluted him.

It's so disgraceful that it hurts, but what can I do?

I bow my head and get up, reaching the table again. All I can do for him, now, is stay far enough.

«I don't know how it happened,» he sighs. «I feel so bad for scaring you...»

«It's fine; I am not scared,» I say mechanically.

«If I didn't open my eyes in time... If I clenched your neck tighter... It would have been even worse.»

«But you didn't. You just startled me. It's fine.»

«It's not fine...»

Sure, it's not.

Our embarrassing moment is interrupted by a light knock, and I get up to open the door. Ignis still isn't in the right mood to deal with strangers. He's sitting on the bed and observing a spot on the floor. If only I could say something to make him feel better...

After all, I am not hurt. I don't feel anything amiss, meaning Ignis was delicate enough not to leave bruises.

The only part that hurts is my pride. But that is not important.

After eating, Ignis leaves the room again. He says he'll go look for Tobin.

He doesn't find anyone from our delegation, but it's expected. With the carriages, they need to travel around the forest. It's a longer path, and they're slower than us.

If they don't make stops, they'll arrive tomorrow.

When he comes back from the recognition, Ignis has a dark face and a tired complexion. It's even worse than before sleeping.

It's as if he didn't rest for one minute today. Maybe, it's the case I keep watching for tonight too. It won't be a problem to sleep in the morning.

Even if Aida and Tobin do appear, I'll rest in the carriage. I'm more worried for Ignis than for me at the moment.

However, he doesn't let me take care of him. He just shakes his head and waves his hand, signalling that I shouldn't meddle in his affairs.

I bow my head again and don't look up for the rest of the evening.

Only when it's time to sleep again, I realise I can't survive this atmosphere. I'm not used to being ignored or hated.

And I want to talk with Ignis. I want to find out whether I have some hope or not. At least, to know how to behave from now on.

He's always so gentle with me, but that only confuses me. He let me have his ration of meat, and he caressed my face when I offered him to sleep.

It's as if nothing happened, yet he keeps his distance.

He hates me and, at the same time, he doesn't want me to know.

It's so confusing.

In the end, I decide to talk with him.

It takes me more time than planned, but I manage to collect enough guts by sleep time.

Instead of lying down and obediently snoozing off another night, I sit on the bed and straighten my back. I prepare all my words. I try them in my mind and decide not one of them sounds proper.

I don't know how to start, but I ought to say something before the end of the day.

I don't want to continue like this. Even if it means listening to Ignis's true feelings. Even if he declares that he hates me because I'm naughty.

I open my mouth, but no sound comes out.

It's just like yesterday. A lump is preventing me from talking. But I've been silent for the whole day, and my throat hurts all the same.

I have to overcome this in any possible way.

I stick my nails in the palms, and the pain makes me regain some sense. The words form. There's only one thing I can say to gain a chance.

One more chance, and I'll do everything in my power not to screw it up anymore.

«Ignis,» I say.

He was distant, lost in his own thoughts. At the sound of his name, though, he returns to earth.

«Yes?»

«I... I'm sorry.»

He lifts his eyebrows, and his shoulders straighten. His head is tilted while he tries to understand what I'm talking about.

«For yesterday evening,» I explain. «I'm sorry about that.»

«You're sorry?» he repeats.

«Yes. I'm not completely sure where I did wrong, but I can try guessing. I won't repeat that ever again. I will become better, I promise...»

No response comes from his side, so I continue my discourse. I move my eyes to the floor to avoid being distracted or interrupted.

«I will do as you tell me from now on. Nothing more and nothing else. If you give me another chance, that is.»