Drunken Fist

Sobriety hit me like an explosion. No wait, that is an actual explosion I caused while black out drunk. The gaping salarian in an Eclipse uniform let me know that I had not in fact wandered off to instigate mayhem on Illium, but had somehow got myself fully kitted out and on Miranda's loyalty mission. The salarian dropped his gun in surrender while I gunned down the rest of his squad as they rushed in to 'save' the dead bodies of their pals, or slow us down, or something else that translated to them being to stupid to live.

In that moment I did something that time and time again proved incredibly stupid. I took off my helmet. You'd think what I'd done to Garm, Kuril, Uvenk and many others would have made me terrified of revealing my handsome reptilian face in a combat zone, but I really needed a drink. Fortunately, past Grunt didn't let me down and I unscrewed the cap off my canteen to find an ice cold beverage that burned like lava going down.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Shouted an angry Miranda Lawson.

"Hair of the dog." I told her as I put my canteen back in its case.

"Are you drunk right now?" She demanded with all that Australian heat in her tone.

"Not drunk enough to deal with you." I grunted, the pun as funny now as it was the first time.

"This is a goddamn mission with my sister's life at stake and you are fucking sauced to your eyeballs!" She screamed.

I should feel bad, and I would if Miranda's personality was as endearing, rounded, and developed as her figure. Also the fact that Oriana is her clone but they look totally different throws me off.

"Just shut up and let's go kill Niket already." I grumbled at the Cerberus cheerleader.

"And why would we do that?" She continued to annoy me.

"Double cross, bitch." I answered, "Or did the mercs at your secret extract not tip his hand."

The sounding of a walkie talkie from one of the dead mercs dropped a little hint of evidence backing my claim.

"Once more, my gut leads us rightly." I commented as we started cutting across the cargo processing yard of this space port.

It goes to show how trite these battles with the Eclipse mercenaries had become that even sloshed and in a cargo yard full of conveyor belts transporting explosive containers I was practically dancing over these fools. They could certainly shoot, and I appreciated the assortment of tech powers they tried to throw at me, but their awareness of their environment left much to be desired and I conducted a symphony of explosions that would make Deidara proud.

While the enemies lacked the ability to stall me like their captain kept ordering them to over their comms, the trio of banking terminals did. The six thousand additional credits would go a long way to distracting me from how boring fighting Eclipse had become.

Seriously, these guys came with no heavy mechs, no krogan, no tanks. It's almost like they didn't expect to fight me, but that would be crazy considering I had already clashed with them twice this week.

We finally ended up in an elevator taking us to the boss fight and Miranda was worrying herself into a mess while trying to convince herself that her only ally in this life, Niket, hadn't betrayed her. Space Momma did a great job supporting the genetically engineered woman, but she was about to get an eyeful of the ugly truth.

The elevator doors opened and revealed Niket arguing with a port employee in the presence of the Eclipse leader, Captain Enyala. I was a bit too befuddled to pay much attention since I'd been dipping into my portable ryncol supply as I wreaked havoc on the merc forces, but Enyala blowing away the port employee brought me back just enough to remember that I couldn't give a rats ass about Miranda, Niket, Oriana, and their scumbag dad. He'd get his within the year considering I'd just have to be listening for the Sanctuary broadcast on Horizon to tip me off that he was operating Cerberus's husk research facility in ME3. Thinking about derailing that Cerberus shit show makes me very happy. Dropping a krogan army on the Illusive Man's secret base would be even better.

I know where Cronos Station is Jack.

Enyala asking Miranda if Cerberus let her whore around in her jumpsuit made me laugh, and for the first time in a while, I wanted to spare someone who was pointing a gun at me.

"Everyone just fucking stop it." I chuckled, "What part of me running through your men makes you think you can fight me and win? The fucking optimism is bleeding out your ears, or is it just the audacity, bitch?"

"You should teach classes on negotiation." Enyala quipped, "You're working wonders right now."

"I don't negotiate." I told the asari, "I say what is to happen and people are either smart enough to obey or they die feeling like fools. Now you and what's left of your pathetic gang, put your guns on the ground and leave."

"How's this for an answer?"

She shot me.

I crossed the short space between us in a heart beat and hit her with a right cross, really putting my hips into it. She fell to the floor like a rag doll and when I went to finish her I saw that I'd already split open her brain case and leaked her grey matter on the floor. Another episode of Wear Helmets You Damn Fools ready for the extranet.

A brief firefight later and we ended up with Niket on his knees ready for his execution by the girl he helped save many years prior. Space Momma worked her paragon magic and stopped Miranda. Niket agreed to lie to Miranda's father and got an impassioned "I never want to see you again, Niket." for his troubles. This time he got to live after hearing that line. Not what I intended, but choices have consequences.

I looked down at what was once a hot asari and sighed. It should have been her that lived. Maybe blown me for my benevolence. Is it benevolence if a blow job takes place? We have no way of knowing now. Come to me sweet ryncol, make things better.

Something was stopping me from uniting my second canteen with my mouth. Who fucking dares?

The disappointed green eyed gaze of the Space Momma locked eyes with me. She had taken off her helmet to convey her disappointment. Does she not know how dangerous that is? Just ask the corpse of Enyala if she regretted not wearing a helmet. She probably regretted not blowing me more, but a lack of helmet was likely up there on her list of regrets.

"Grunt." I could feel the disappointment slithering across my plates and scales, "You need to stop drinking."

"But you treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. It's science." I told her.

"You can't drink your problems away. It doesn't work." Shepard insisted.

"Really, because I am all for drinking away my problems right now." Miranda cut in.

"The drinks have it!" I declared, "To the bar!"