Chapter 30

AMNESIA

For the past years after I've woken up from my coma, I always see this faceless man in my dreams.. he's always with me. Every night.. the moment my head hit my pillow.

I couldn't tell if it was just a dream or my recollection from what happened to me before I came to America.

Apparently, my real father found me floating in the sea, half dead with gunshot and a bleeding head.

Kakaiba talaga ang tadhana. I was saved because of him.

Dahil sa gunshot ko, itinago na ako ni Daddy para maprotektahan ako sa kung sinumang may gustong pumatay sa akin.

He changed my name, brought me here and confined me in the best hospital while I was unconscious.

I woke up after they operated caesarean on me. I gave birth to my Winter.

I couldn't remember anything at first. But after few months, I regained some memories. Few information about myself. My name, my age..where I went to school and such.

But the people I interacted with? They were all blurred.

They diagnosed me with amnesia. And nobody can tell when can I regain my memory back.

"Mommy!"my nine year old boy went in my room with Timothy behind him. May hawak na tray nang niluto nilang almusal.

"Morning anak." I combed my long dyed  brown hair and spread my arms to welcome him.

He giggled and gave the tray to his Tito and jumped on my bed for a cuddle.

"Mommy.. can I sleep beside you again tonight? I promise that I won't be restless."umaasang pakiusap ng anak ko.

Kinurot ko ang pisngi niyang makinis at hinalikan ito. He giggled some more.

He's really so adorable and handsome. He got everything from his father. From his light brown hair, eyes, nose and lips. He's fair and quite tall for his age.

"Sure baby. But I'll be home quite late. So you don't need to wait for me okay?"

His sparkling eyes dimmed. Bigla akong nakonsensya. 

"Listen baby.." i tried to coax him.

His nose was red but still managed to smile at me.

"I know naman po Mommy. You're working.    I perfectly understand. Just cuddle me when you got back home okay po?"His voice became excited again. But his eyes were still sad.

I chewed on my bottom lip and looked at Timothy who put the tray in front of me.

"Mommy, Let's eat na po. Oh hang on.. I'll get us some water!" Winter said and went out.

"Tito Tim.. morning.." bati ko. He was standing like a model in front of the camera. He got blue eyes and blonde hair. Tall and muscled. He's two years younger than me. Too handsome and masungit sa ibang mga babae.

He sat beside me and hugged and kissed me on my head.

Napapailing na lang ako. Masyadong sweet.

"Why don't you just get your own clinic My? Winter's missing you so bad. " he said annoyed.

My Papa and him fell in love with my son the first time they've seen my son. They became protective and stepped in as his father. Kaya lahat ay ibinibigay sa anak ko. Pati na sa akin. Good thing my son wasn't spoiled like some kids these days.

Sumandal ako sa dibdib niya at nilaro laro ang kubyertos.

"Dalawang taon na lang.."pabulong ko. I felt his hand rested on my waist and squeezed it.

We heard Winter's excited voice downstairs. Probably asking his nanny to get him some water.

"Nandito ka naman. Sunduin mo na sa school at ipasyal mo sa park. I bought a new scooter for him. It's still in my car."

Napahinga siya ng malakas.

"Don't worry, in two years pag iisipan ko yong inaalok nyo ni Papa." Nakangiti kong sabi.

"Mommy!"Winter burst in my room and went in between me and Timothy.

"Go away Tito Tim!"pag papaalis ni Winter and gave me my fork. Nang hindi kumilos si Timothy ay tinulak niya ito. Masyadong seloso si Winter. Lahat ng lalaki ultimo si Papa ko ay pinagseselosan niya.

"I said go away. You'll be late at work na. I got this covered. I'll feed mommy alone." He said while trying to open the bottled water.

Kinuha ito ni Timothy at binuksan.

Nanonood lang si Winter nang may paghanga sa tito niya.

"You still need me baby boy."

"I'm only nine so I'm not that strong yet! But I'll get bigger next year and I'll be able to open mommy's water!"

"Yeah right.."pang iinis ni Timothy. Baliw talaga. Parang aso't pusa ang dalawang ito.

Si Timothy na alaskador at si Winter na pikunin. 

"Go away. Sho! Sho!" Pikon na sigaw ni Winter.

"Tito Tim, just go."mamumuti ang buhok ko dito sa dalawang ito eh.

Winter stuck his tongue out and cuddled me.

I wondered if Winter's father is like him. Too possessive and jealous.

Godofredo Fontanilla's my long lost father. He was born in the Philippines, but migrated in America after a year.

Kaya nong kinailangan nyang pumunta sa kabusiness deal niya sa Pilipinas ay wala siyang kaalam alam.

Naikwento niyang kung saan saan daw sila nagpunta ng mga kasama nya.

They would drink all night. Then his colleagues would be taking girls home. They stayed in Angeles for quite some time. Then he met my mother. One of the entertainers in the bar. They became friends. They would usually drink together. And bar fined her so she wouldn't be taken away by some foreigners. But he never touched her.

One time, he got upset with his girlfriend so he had so much to drink. The next day, he woke up naked and alone in his hotel room.

Alam daw niyang may nangyari sa kanya at sa mama ko pero nong binalikan niya ito sa bar para kausapin ay bigla daw nawala nang parang bula.

He got torn between his girlfriend in America and my mother.

He came to realize that he fell in love with my mother. But it was too late.

After staying for couple of months, he decided to leave the country.

That time, he split up with his old girlfriend and had the intention to marry my mother if she returned.

Isang taon siyang pabalik balik sa Pilipinas para pasyalan ang mga bar sa Angeles. Kumuha pa siya ng tao para lang ipahanap ang mama ko. But the information my mother gave to that bar was fake. Kaya nawalan ng pag asa si Papa.

Then he met Timothy's mother Trixia after six months. He impregnated her so they got married and lived together.

But still, he would often go to the Philippines to look for my mother. He was still in love with her.

Then one night, when he came back home from the Philippines, he saw Trixia crying on her sleep while hugging their wedding photographs. He suddenly woke up from his stupid actions. He realised how bad he was as her husband.

So he made an effort to learn to love his wife. Then they lived happily for some years, totally forgetting about my mother.

When they went to the Philippines for a holiday, they met his old colleague back in the days.

The news of my mother being pregnant nearly broke their relationship. Suddenly, he wanted to divorce Trixia and be with my mother.

Apparently, my mother was a great woman. She was his first love..

He looked and looked for my mother and I. But all his effort were futile.

When he went back to his wife, she still welcomed him with open arms. Then he made a promise that he would focus all his attention to their family. No more Guia. No more going back to the Philippines. They continued their relationship like nothing happened.

Few more years, she fell ill and died.

And up until now, my father never looked for another woman.

Trixia Fontanilla.. like what my father said was his great love..and a great woman.

Yakap yakap ko ang anak ko habang nagpapaantok. It was quite a long day in the hospital. I'm a resident doctor, Pediatrics specialist. And was planning to do pediatric surgery. Pero napapaisip na ako. Lumalaki na kasi ang anak ko at pakonti ng pakonti ang oras ko sa kanya. Ayoko naman palagi ko siya nakikitang malungkot. Hindi ko na nga siya mabigyan ng tatay. Pati ba naman nanay wala din.

"Anak.. in two years.. I'll spent more time with you.. i promise.. then maybe we'll look for your daddy.. It'll be easy because I could almost see him in you. Ang lakas ng DNA niya eh." I was smiling and closed my eyes.

Soon, I could see a couple on the shore hugging while looking at the sea and the big full moon.. my dreams were all about him..

"We'll come back here baby." His voice so gentle it barely reached my ears.

"And I'll make sure by that time, you're using my name." The faceless man kissed the girl's head and hugged her tighter.

When the girl glanced up.. I saw my younger self looking lovingly at the tall white man.

"Thanks for loving me Ashmere and making me happy. I couldn't ask for more."

"It'll be my goal now to keep you happy and make you fall in love with me everyday baby.. I love you to infinity and beyond."

"I love you too.." my younger self said and kissed Ashmere.

Then the scene changed.

We were in the middle of the pool. With a spotlight, rose petals and a big diamond ring sitting in the small box.

I could hear in his voice that he was crying while proposing to me. When I said yes, he cried some more before sliding his ring on my finger.

After that, the scene changed again. This time we were on the bed with only white sheets that were covering our naked body.

"Get ready baby.. because you'll be Mrs Ashmere Monteverde soon." He said huskily then lifted my small body and thrusted to meet my center.

My younger self gasped in pleasure and soon, she was moving up and down his huge length fast and hard..

Napabalikwas ako ng gising. Nailibot ko ang paningin sa kwarto ko.

It felt real. I could still feel my goosebumps and my wet center. 

I shook my head in disbelief. This was the first time I've dreamed about him as intense as this. 

I grunted and pulled myself up for a quick shower. I felt uncomfortable with my wetness.

No wonder I got him for my fiancé. He was as hot as a volcano erupting..

When I finished, I got to my closet to change for my running clothes. I needed exercise to keep me going and fit.

And I couldn't let him invade my whole day with his memories.

He said his name was Ash something.. I couldn't remember his whole name.. was it montemayor?montelibano?

I scratched my head in annoyance.

I should maybe get some detective to check my Winter's profile. Maybe he would see someone who looked like my son in the Philippines.

I played with my engagement ring that he gave me. This costed him an arm so I was thinking that he's a well off man..

Maybe I should start going through the internet. I might get lucky and found some leads..

I stretched in front of our door for few minutes before leaving our gate. The moment my feet hit the pavement, Kane came running beside me.

"Morning Mhaereen.."he greeted me suavely.

I returned his greeting and soon we were engaged with our world. Medicine and Hospital stuff.

He's a senior doctor in the Hospital I'm working. He's good looking and most of the nurses like him. He's like McDreamy. Handsome and a gentleman. I just noticed that he's quite a clean freak.

"Mhaereen.. can I invite you to dinner?" He asked nervously.

I looked at him and smiled. "Sure. But I'm not sure when." Alanganin kong sagot habang iniikot ang mga braso. He knew about my busy schedule and my son.

"We can have dinner with Winter if you want."he offered immediately.

Napatango tango ako at tinitigan siyang mabuti.

He's not bad at all. He's lean and tall. Very handsome and a great doctor.

Nakakapagtaka lang na nakikipag usap siya sa akin na single mom kung maraming babae ang pwede nyang bigyan ng oras nya.

"So? What about tomorrow night? We can also discuss some of my case.."alok nya ulit. He knew how to get my attention. I should commend on that.

"Kane, I'll let you know today. See you later.." We stopped at my gate and smiled at him before entering our house. He waved then ran back to his street.

He was my running buddy for quite a long while now. Even in the hospital, he kept sending me food and snacks..

Napangiti ako agad ng makita ko ang nakabusangot na mukha ni Winter.

So adorable. So seloso..

"Anak, kiss mommy?" I asked him.

His eyebrows were furrowed and had this scowl on his face when he tiptoed and kissed my cheeks.

"You're with him again! I don't like him My!"he was pouting. Hinuli ko ang mapupula niyang mga labi at hinalikan ito. He then smiled at me. Gusto lang talaga mahalikan eh.

I combed his long hair back and kissed his forehead too.

"We're neighbours baby.. and he's also my senior. We can't do anything about that." I answered and pulled him up the stairs to get his bath ready.

"But mommy! He can't be my father! He looked so gay to me!" He sulked and stomped his foot.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya.

"Anak, where did you get that idea?"

"No one. I can almost smell his stinks."

"Hey! Hey! Don't be nasty to him! Wala siyang ginagawang masama sayo."kunwari ay galit na ako.

He just pouted his lips and scratched the bridge of his nose.

Napatulala ako.. Ash, Winter's father always do that in my dreams.

"Sorry My.. i love you po.." and hugged me.

I hugged him back and helped him stripped his clothes off him when his bath was ready.

"Be a good boy today and make Mommy proud okay?"I said when rubbing his back.

He nodded enthusiastically and reached for my cheeks. He giggle while spreading the bubbles on my face.

"Naughty boy.."Pabiro kong hinampas ang tubig na ikinatili niya. Soon we were playing with water.

"Can you pick me up My?"he asked quite hopeful. Tumango ako agad na ikinasiya niya. Nakakatuwa talagang makita ang napakainosente niyang mukha.

"Sure baby.. I'll just have to met some important patient today then maybe we can get some ice cream and books for you to read when I fetch you."

"Opo! Opo! Yey!"he shouted excitedly and tried to hugged me.

"I'm still wet baby. Go downstairs and fix our plates. I'll just have shower." I said.

Dali dali nyang binuhat ang bag niya at tumakbo palabas ng kwarto niya.

"Anak, no running please.."pakiusap ko.

"Sorry my!"

I went in my shower and lathered my body with soap.

Maybe.. I should start dating to test if my son would accept a father figure in our lives.

Dati kasi, sa sobrang busy ko sa studies at pag aalaga kay Winter ay hindi ako nag entertain. Tapos every now and then, naiisip ko rin yong tatay ni Winter.

I wanted so bad to tell him about me and his son because it was unfair on his side, but my father didn't want me to do anything. Sobrang takot pa rin sila ni Timothy na baka may balak pa ring pumatay sa akin kahit ilang taon na ang nakararaan.

At ngayon, napag isip isip ko ring sa sampong taon na nakararaan, baka may pamilya na rin yon.. so ang gusto ko sanang gawin, magpapakita lang kami sa kanya at ipapakilala ko ang anak ko. Then bahala na siya kung i-aaccept niya o hindi.  Hindi ako manggugulo. I would never force my son to his father. Kung mag away man sila ng asawa niya, wala na akong pakialam. Dahil sa reality, walang perfect relationship. I was his first fiancée before she met him. So she should accept the reality and suck it up.

"Doc, Mrs Allison can't come today. So she'll send someone to pick up the documents tomorrow." Mrs Morgan our old secretary said.

I nodded then smiled at her. She'd been working in this hospital for a long time now and she was the nicest person I've known. An angel.

"That's fine. Thanks for letting me know. So how's Doc McGregor?" I asked her. McGregor was the pediatrician I was relieving for this week.

"She's fine. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy." She smiled excitedly.

"I might get something for her and visit her." I thought out loud.

"That'll be lovely Doc. She'll be stoke!"

"I'll let her know then." I said while tapping my phone. She excused herself when we heard a knock on our door.

Nagpaalam na ako sa secretary namin na abala sa kinakausap nya then went out of the hospital.

I felt my phone beeped inside my bag so I took it and answered my call. It was from Mrs Morgan.

"Doc, Mrs Allison send someone today. I'm so sorry for the confusion."apologetic na  sabi nito.

"Fine.. I'll be there in ten minutes." Maikli kong sagot habang kinakalikot ang bag ko para sa wallet ko. I wanted to have some coffee so might as well buy some now.

Nang pababa na ako sa hagdan ay bigla akong may nakabangga na napakatigas na katawan.

Napaangat ang mukha ko at nanlaki ang mga mata.

Winter's older and bigger version is standing in front of me..

"Baby.."he whispered in disbelief while pulling me closer to him.

I shut my lips and swallowed hard. My heart quickened its beat as if I just had a marathon. I clutched his long sleeves to steady myself.

"E-excuse me. I- I don't know you.."utal kong sabi at tinulak siya ng bahagya.

Mukha siyang malakas at napakamatipuno pero nang sabihin ko ito ay tila siya nanghina.

His hands felt on his sides. His eyes and nose went red like how my Winter does when he's about to cry..

I chewed on my bottom lip. I felt bad for being nasty to him. But he's too much for me. He was fogging up my mind. I needed to get away from him as fast as I could to think clearly.

Tumitig lang siya sa akin nang may sakit sa mga mata nang umatras ako.

I smiled tightly then turned my back on him. My coffee was long forgotten.

Humihingal na sumakay ulit ako sa elevator. Yumuko ako at sumandal sa elevator habang pinaglalaruan ang malaking diamond sa daliri ko.

Siya ang fiancé ko? Paano ko siya nakilala? Hindi ko akalaing magkakagusto ako sa mukhang babaero at habulin..

Hindi ko akalaing magkakagusto ako sa isang lalaking parang walang puso at mabagsik..

At ang isa pang nakakagulo sa isip ko, paano nya ako nagustuhan? Kung hindi ako nagkakamalaki, eighteen lamang ko non. Immature and too young to handle a man like him.

Baka naman ginagawa niya akong punching bag noon? Kasi mukhang mainitin ang ulo at manununtok na lang kapag may hindi siya nakuha..

Napaangat ang tingin ko nang may maramdaman akong tumabi sa akin.

Naninigas na sumiksik pa ako sa metal wall ng elevator.  Siya na naman!

"Thanks."bulong niya sa babaeng halatang pasyente na pinigilan ang pagsara ng elevator.

The woman tried to talk to him. Ash is his name if I'm not mistaken, but he seemed uninterested but was polite when she ask him questions.

Siksik na siksik na ako nang makarating ako sa floor ko. He pushed and pushed himself. Kahit malaki ang espasyo sa tabi nong babaeng kausap nya!

I excused myself and walked out of the lift. I sighed in relief. My heart was beating so fast with our nearness.

At hanggang ngayon ay masakit pa rin ang dibdib ko sa exertion kanina.

I massaged it and walked down the hallway to our clinic/ward. Napalingon ako nang may bahagyang umubo sa likuran ko.

Nanlaki na naman ang mga mata ko.

Siya na naman!

Mabilis akong naglakad at kabadong pumasok sa office ko without greeting Mrs Morgan.

Napahawak ako sa noo ko at naglakad lakad sa loob ng office ko.

Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin. Should I introduce myself to him? Dapat ko bang sabihin ngayon din na may anak na kami? Paano pala kung hindi siya yon tatay.. at napaglihian ko lang dati?

Ang gulo ng isip ko.. maybe I can take him for dinner then talk to him about our past since nandito na siya?

Napalundag ako ng may kumatok sa pintuan ko.

Inilapag ko ang bag ko sa likuran ng aking upuan then sat down stiffly.

"Y-Yes?" I cleared my throat when I stuttered. Mrs Morgan peeped her head from the small space.

"Doc, Mr Monteverde's here to pick up the documents for Mrs Allison."

"Please let him in." I said then pulled open my drawer for the documents they needed.

"Good afternoon Doctor Fontanilla."a husky voice greeted me.

I flashed my big smile and glanced up. Then it faded quickly when I found out who it was.

"You're a doctor now.. I'm so proud of you baby." He said then walked sexily towards my table.

Nanginginig na ibinaba ko ang tingin mula sa kanya at hinugot ang envelope na kailangan niya.

Napakagat ako ng labi. Mukhang huli na ako.. I mean.. si Winter.. may pamilya na siya.

"Please have a seat Mr Allison." I offered my chair and sat up straight.

Hindi siya kumilos bagkus ay pinanood lang ako kaya naaasiwang ngumiti na lang ulit ako at inilabas ang mga papers na hinihingi ng asawa nya para sa kambal nila.

"These are all the medical documents your wife-"natigilan ako nang bigla siyang naglakad papunta sa upuan ko at ipinatong ang mga kamay nya sa arm rest ng swivel chair ko. Nakakulong na ako sa mga bisig nya.

I leaned back in surprise. He's too close for my comfort.

"You really can't remember me baby?"His eyes were boring into soul.

I felt nervous and edgy. I pushed his hard chest away.

"P-please Mr Allison. I-I really c-can't understand what you're talking a-about." Utal kong sabi at tinulak siya ulit.

But this time he didn't let me go.

He stepped closer and pulled me up from my seat. Napasinghap ako ng magdikit ang mga dibdib namin. I could feel the strong static going through my body.

Pinalibot niya ang isang braso sa likuran ko at hinila pataas ang kaliwa kong kamay.

"This is what I'm telling you." He then kissed my ring. His ring..

Napalunok ako ulit at sinubukang bawiin ito. He was watching my face intently.

"Y-You gave me t-this? I-I can't really remember. I-I'm sorry." Humihingal kong sabi.

"I'll remind you then.. baby.."he said huskily then dipped his head to reach for my lips.

I gasped and clutched his dress shirt tightly when our lips touched. Suddenly, my lost memories came flooding inside my head.. it was too fast that it was making me dizzy.

Naitulak ko siya at humakbang palayo nang bitawan niya ako.

Napapikit ako sa sakit ng ulo ko. I grasped my head tightly.

"Baby.. are you okay?"nag aalalang tanong niya sa akin.

I groaned in pain and stepped back again. He held me tightly on my arms and made me sit back on my chair.

"Baby.."tawag niya sa akin bago ako mawalan ng malay.