Grief

I gasped. I panted hard as I heard the loud knocking noise coming from the door of my apartment room. That was when I found out that it was already morning, and I have been sleeping with the same clothes I used when I hunted for some jobs yesterday—not to mention, my face is buried deep into my pillows, and I am still wearing my shoes, so it stained my bed sheet.

Judging by the constant headache I am feeling, I concluded that it must have been super fucking early, making my head almost crack due to a lack of sleep. As the pounding on my door continued, I clicked my tongue while tapping the side of my pillows to find my phone.

"Fuck, where is it?"

Whoever is outside of my house must have really wanted to see because they kept going at it till I finally lost it.

"FUCK! JUST WAIT, WILL YA!?" I shouted while still trying to scour my bed to look at my phone.

"Open the door, it's me, your aunt Gela!" A timid but loud voice resounded from outside of my apartment room.

"The fuck?" I mumbled to myself as I felt the back of my head aching as if it was hit by a baseball bat. Finally, I found my phone and opened it up to see that it was already 4pm. What the fuck? I've been asleep for 12 hours, and I'm still tired as shit? What the fuck kind of scam is this? I also noticed that I have like, a fuck ton of missed calls from many unknown numbers, which is... weird? However, I played it off that maybe an employer tried to contact me, so I made myself an internal reminder that I have to redial these numbers.

Fuck. I need to get up!

I clicked my tongue and yelled at aunt Gela to say that I'm coming while fixing the shit scattered all over the floor as much as I can.

"It's okay. I won't stay for long. I just came here to tell you something very, very important." Aunt Gela muttered like a whisper on the other side of the door. "Please, please, you need to open this door. Please, open the door." She said, almost like she's begging for her life.

I then threw all of the scattered laundries I picked up into the bed and swiftly opened the door. I was so alarmed at the way my aunt's voice shakes like she's about to have a mental breakdown, and knowing how cheerful this lady is, I'm sure that whatever she has in mind must have been of utmost importance. I pulled the door open and met the crying aunt Gela outside of my room as I gazed at her reddened eyes. From what I can gather, she must have been crying for the entire night, and she's still bawling her eyes out up until now. I awkwardly tried to reach out to aunt Gela's shoulders, but I decided to take my hands back swiftly, for I felt scared that touching her could worsen her mood.

"W-what's going on, aunt Gela?" I took a step forward, looking down at aunt Gela's thin and small figure as she cried on my doorsteps.

Her wrinkled face entered my field of vision as she looked up with a breath as if she was trying her hardest to make herself feel stronger. She clasped her hands together

around her chest and looked at me with eyes that reflect her hesitation to speak.

"Are you okay, aunt Gela?" I started to panic. This was the first time I've seen this lady after three years, but she was still a significant part of my childhood; she practically raised me until high school. It doesn't feel good to see her crying in front of my apartment room, not even for a little bit.

Aunt Gela heaved a pained sigh as she looked down slowly, further proving that she had already lost her composure. However, she hadn't given up yet. "I... I came here to tell you something about your mother."

"My mother? What happened to my mother, aunt Gela?" I couldn't take the anxiety building up in my chest anymore; it's all too strong for me to contain. I accidentally raised my voice, making aunt Gela jolt, and when I saw that, I instantly placed both my hands around my lips with a subtle gasp. "I'm sorry, I'm... Is her new boyfriend hitting her again?"

Aunt Gela shook her head. If not that, then what other worst thing could have happened to my mother, which would cause aunt Gela to come here from Santa Fe?

"I want you to come with me." Aunt Gela said with her usual timid tone. "No need to change or shower. Just lock your door and come to me."

I then hurriedly tried to fix my head as I closed the door, following my aunt's instructions. "Where exactly are we going, aunt Gela?"

At this point, aunt Gela is already walking towards the elevator, and she halted her steps after hearing me say those words. She then turned to look back at me. "We're going to the hospital."

And that we did with nothing but shadows following our every step.

We took a cab towards the hospital that aunt Gela spoke of without uttering another word as I sat restlessly at the back of the cab. Meanwhile, my aunt just looked outside of the window with an occasional tear falling out of her eyes.

"I heard you weren't very close to your mother." Aunt Gela said with a shaking voice as she gradually turned her head towards me. "Is that true?" She said with an unwavering burst of sadness spewing out of her eyes.

I didn't know what to say. My mouth is wide open as I noticed the dark circles around Aunt Gela's eyes. I then shifted my head downwards to ignore the darkness lurking within her reddened eyes. "Y-yes. We're not very close."

" I see." Aunt Gela exhaled with a nod as she leaned her head on the cab's glass window. "I will not tell you how to lead your life or what to think, but I..." She then bit her lip while I was just wordlessly looking at her with a dumbfounded gaze. "... I hope you'll forgive your mother. She didn't want any of these. My only wish is that you wouldn't blame her for the life she wished to lead."

I just looked at her with a raised eyebrow, not replying to anything that she had just said. I sighed as I hung my head low while the cab continued to drive through the almost lifeless road towards the hospital.

When we finally got to our destination, aunt Gela stopped me from paying the cab and insisted on doing it herself. We then went straight to talk to the counter at the entrance of the establishment; I am still restless and scared because of this unknown thing that aunt Gela is still not telling me. Did someone hit my mother again? Was it an accident at her work? Was she terribly sick? I was juggling so many things inside of my head that I could almost taste the fear spewing out of my lips.

Aunt Gel then told the person on the counter that she's the sister of Theresa Simmons, my mother, before asking if both of us could come and see her. After typing something in the computer in front of her, the person accommodating us at the counter froze and looked at us with a grim expression on her face. She then tried her best to act calm before telling us to go to a particular room downstairs. That person didn't say much, but the look on their face strengthened the fear in me, making me sweat as my heart pounds faster than an autumn breeze.

We then entered a room, and there, I finally saw an answer to my burning questions, turning my insides into a never-ending sea of flames.

"Oh..." I muttered underneath my breath as I saw a body covered with a white blanket, laying down on a metal bed. "Oh... oh no, no, no..." I breathed as I took a step forward while looking at two men on each side of the metal bed, one is a doctor, and another one is a police officer.

"Is this her son?" The police officer uttered in an exhausted yet robust tone.

"Yes." Aunt Gela said before gentle grabbing my shaking arm, making me look at her with a look of disbelief.

"No..." I could finally connect the dots as to what had happened as my body trembled uncontrollably, and aunt Gela's tears flowed once more. "Oh god... please tell me I'm thinking the wrong answer..." I whispered so low that I could almost feel my voice stuck in my throat. Perhaps none of them heard what I just said because none of them spoke a word.

The room was cold—too cold like nothing nature could ever muster. The dim lights on top of the body in front of me let out a strange whirring noise, which makes me feel like there's a colony of bees scurrying inside of my ears. The three older people around me all decided not to speak after seeing my already breaking psyche, making me feel even colder as if it was not freezing enough in this oppressive room. The stone floor felt so lifeless that I could almost swear that it was a concrete that came out of the Reaper's hands. The walls felt like they were too far away, but they're just a few feet away from me. Everything else around the body in the middle of the room felt like it was shrouded by some kind of grim darkness, making it seem like the only solace I have is that one thing I do not want to see.

"No... no, this is not real, right? This is just... There must be a mistake here, doctor, right?" I pleaded with my eyes filled with so much agony that I would literally spill all of my blood now just to turn this thing into a dream. "I mean... That can't be my mother, right? This just... no... no, oh god... no, please tell me this is just some kind of test or something, please, oh, no, no, no... no...!"

I took two steps back, allowing the elements of shadows to eat me up, so I can finally move to the next part of the dream, but no amount of supernatural entities could turn this thing into something fictional.

"It was a robber, son." The policeman finally uttered after probably finding some sort of strength within him. "We suspect that it must be one of your mother's former lovers, but we don't have proof yet. The perp blasts his head off with a gun, so we're still trying to do some autopsy, so we can determine his identity."

"What? What do you mean, Mr. policeman?" I said with a desperate chuckle, trying to conceal the rising anger within me after hearing what he had just said. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAID, MAN!? COME ON, GUYS, COME ON! No... come on, please... this joke is not funny anymore... COME ON! TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH! I DON'T NEED MORE OF THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW! FESS UP!" I pulled my hands away from Aunt Gela, making her squirm in shock. "Was it you, aunty? Is this your idea? This is fucked up, people. FUCKED UP!"

I gazed at the policeman once more as I gritted my teeth with my spit rolling towards my chin. I screamed as I clenched my fist, shaking it hard because I couldn't throw some shit and break it onto the floor.

"I'm sorry, son."

That broke me. That line is enough to fucking tear me to so many tiny little pieces like a sheet of wet paper, waiting to be dry only to find out that I could never be fixed even if that happened.

"We did what we could do." The doctor finally uttered after a few minutes of silence. "But she's already gone when we took her in."

I finally couldn't take it anymore. I didn't even have enough energy in me to be angry; my feet shook so hard that I could no longer use it to support myself. My knees fell onto the cold concrete floor with my eyes wide open as I tried my hardest to breathe appropriately. No. I can't breathe; nothing is coming out. What is happening to me? I can't think properly; what is this? I started scratching the floor, making my fingers bleed a bit as I tried to chew the air in my mouth.

Aunt Gela finally realized that I'm purposely trying to hurt myself, so she swiftly ran towards me, grabbing both my hands tightly as she embraced me in her shaking body. She doesn't have her usual sweet smell, so she probably also came here without showering.

"Why is this the first time I've heard this? Why did no one inform me last night?" I mumbled as I tried to get angry, but I could only muster a weak string of exhalation, accompanied by a few words.

Luckily, aunt Gela heard it. "The police tried contacting you last night. You weren't answering, so we thought that maybe you changed your number. I had to take care of some paperwork and talk to the police officers last night till morning, so I could only inform you about... the situation personally in the afternoon. I..." I then heard aunt Gela try to conceal her sobbing as she continued with a shaking voice. "I'm so, so sorry, little bunny." That was the silly nickname she gave to me when I was young, but she gradually stopped calling me that as I grew older. I cried after remembering the memories I had with my aunt and cried even further when I realized that my mother is always a part of those memories, whether good or bad.

"Hey... Doc..." I said with my usual businessman smile, but the snot coming out of my nose and my continuous sobbing would probably be enough to stop anyone from believing my happy facade. "Look, I have a hundred thousand dollars. I've saved it up while I was still working, so please, please, please! I beg of you please, cure my mother! She's sick... She's so sick... She's probably just sick, so she's not breathing anymore, but maybe... you know, ahaha... maybe my savings can fix that, you know? Hey, aunt Gela, it's true, right? No need to cry anymore! Look, I'll even sell my kidney, no, MY ENTIRE BODY! JUST PLEASE! Doc... DOC PLEASE! Save my mother, please... no... It can't be like this, no..."

The doctor looked at me with a panic-stricken expression as he readjusted his glasses. "There's nothing we can do. I'm sorry."

My face finally turned grim. I'm not gritting my teeth anymore, I'm no longer shaking, and I've finally stopped shedding some tears. I stood up weakly like a mannequin who's being controlled by a ventriloquist. Aunt Gela supported me, which I am very thankful for because I would have definitely fallen if it wasn't for her.

"So she's dead..." I said with a blank expression along with a darkened pair of eyes. "My mother... dead..."

Nobody replied vocally, but with the way the policeman lowered his hat, the way the doctor took his glasses off with a sigh, and the way my aunt tightened her hold onto my arm, I knew already that the answer is 'yes.'

"I can't accept that..." I said with a forced smile once more as I pulled my hair, trying my hardest to snap my scalp off of my skull. "I can't..."

"It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. Aunty will be here for as long as you need." The timid voice coming from my side said as the owner of the voice patted my back.

I looked at the body. The light shining on it, the cold caressing it, the blanket covering it, the darkness swallowing it, and the sadness corrupting it.

"... see... I need to see..."

"What?" My aunt said with shock.

I then darted towards the metal body, and swiftly grabbed the blanket, jerking it away from the body on the metal bed. Since the blanket covered my line of sight, I didn't manage to see my mother right away, but slowly, as if the time had started to freeze away inside of this Antarctic-like room, the blanket gradually fell from my sight, revealing a naked corpse filled with bruises all over.

"No... This is not real."

It was true. She really is there.

"This is not my mother."

It was my mother, laying down lifelessly with her pale body on a metal, gray table. 

"She's not dead..."

She's dead. This is my mother...

But well...

I'm not sure anymore...

"This is not my mother."

I mumbled weakly to myself as a look of disgust crept into my face. The policeman rushed into my direction to prevent me from looking further, the doctor covered his mouth to conceal his shock, and my aunty promptly looked away to stop herself from seeing what had happened to her sister.

This all happened too slow—way too slow like time would never catch up to me if I so desire.

My mother... is dead with a few sharp slices all over her now bloodless and soulless dead flesh formerly embodied by a nagging woman's spirit.

It is my mother... or at least I know she is, but I'm still uncertain, but I know this is her; I can feel this is her. That's my mother...

That's my mother, although her head is filled with so many bruises, wounds, and a massive chunk of her face is sliced off, making it almost impossible to identify if that is really her, but I am reasonably sure without an ounce of a doubt that this woman is my mother.

I couldn't imagine anymore what she looked like while she was still alive because I could only see a chopped off face like the ones I would often see in a butcher's counter.

Nonetheless, she is my mother.

And she is dead.