webnovel
002_Yuki_Onna
002_Yuki_OnnaLv31yr
2023-04-19 22:23

Before I start nitpicking, let me just say, this writing is like a donut - it's got a delicious premise with a clear filling of conflict and characters with potential. And the icing on top is the tone and atmosphere that's so on point, it's like a party in my mouth...err, mind. But wait, there's more! Just like a donut that could use a bit more sprinkles, this story could benefit from the context I guess. It's not really a big thing to be clear, but with a bit more clear context, it's a really smooth read. Anyways, Loved your descriptive writing. Keep up the good work author.

Liked by 9 people

LIKE
Replies3
Paul_Okito
Paul_OkitoAuthor

Thanks for the review. I understand what your trying to mean. Ok a unclear context can actually be good. I would try to do that too.

NewbieJimjim
NewbieJimjimLv3

I like how you compare to a donut 🤣

002_Yuki_Onna
002_Yuki_OnnaLv3

Donut for life [img=Smug]

NewbieJimjim:I like how you compare to a donut 🤣
Other Reviews
Malakai_Darkstar
Malakai_DarkstarLv1

The Nascent Bloodline is a story set in a world where humans with extraordinary abilities, called the Nascent Bloodline, coexist with the Paranormal humans. The story begins by setting up the history of the world, explaining the origin of the Nascent Bloodline, and their eventual decline. The narrative then moves forward 100,000 years later to focus on a young boy named Egon. The first chapter does an excellent job of establishing the world and its history. The concept of humans with incredible powers living among others is a well-explored theme in the fantasy genre, but the author manages to put a unique spin on it by focusing on the Nascent Bloodline as a dwindling race. The story of Tragon, the last Nascent Bloodline survivor, and his heroic deeds is gripping and adds depth to the world. In the second chapter, the story shifts to a new era called the "Infinity Era," where technology has progressed significantly, and humans have gained knowledge from an unknown species. The introduction of Egon and his mother adds a layer of mystery and intrigue to the story, and the sudden attack by mysterious creatures raises the stakes for the characters. The author's writing style is engaging, and the pacing of the story is well-balanced between world-building and action. However, there are a few areas where the narrative could be improved. For example: Show, don't tell: The story relies heavily on telling rather than showing. To improve the narrative, focus on showing the characters' actions, emotions, and surroundings through descriptive language and immersive details, rather than simply stating facts and events. This will create a more engaging and vivid reading experience. Pacing: The pacing of the story could be improved. The transition between scenes and the introduction of new characters feel rushed. Consider slowing down the pacing and providing more context to each scene, so the reader can better understand and engage with the story. Overall, The Nascent Bloodline is a promising start to a fascinating fantasy story.

Dehni_Olsen
Dehni_OlsenLv14

Synopsis: I appreciate the author’s Synopsis. It explains, with ease, what COULD be a very confusing world. Their grammar and spelling are great. It was a bit confusing when it began talking about Egon, but all in all, I feel it’s a good blerb. Please know that I only review up to chapter 5. Writing Quality: The author does a great job. This author has great potential. There were several moments that were confusing. Whether due to mistype/grammar or sentence structure. Please see below examples: This example shows how the author separates sentences and paragraphs that need to be connected. – “"Mom, where are you," he whimpered,” “perceiving the danger around him but not knowing what to do.” This example shows a couple of things. First, it’s confusing to say that it “scattered”. Did the author mean shattered the wall? Secondly, the second sentence ends with a comma and very little description of how the creature became unconscious. – “The creature was coming with full force so it scattered the wall at the end of the hallway. Then it became unconscious,” However, the author has so much potential. I thoroughly enjoyed their descriptions and mannerisms of his characters. They were very well thought out. Please see the below example: "Don't worry. I'll meet up with you," his mom reassured him, but her voice trembled with fear. She looked back over her shoulder as she spoke, as if she was afraid of something or someone pursuing them.” For this section, even WITH the grammar/mistypes, I’m giving this section 4 stars. I feel like there is enough greatness in their writing that the mistakes can be overlooked. Story Development: It’s unfortunate that the beginning of the book is hidden in the AUX chapters. However, I know how difficult WebNovel can be regarding changing or adding chapters. So this is something that I will overlook when reviewing. The story is developing great. I feel like it started off with a moment that pulled the reader in. I became fully attached to the world almost immediately. I don’t normally read level based novels and I find myself enjoying this one. Please see these great examples of the authors writing style: “One evening, as twilight painted the sky in hues of amber and gold, Egon sat in his room, his mind still clinging to the shadows of his past.” “Sudden and bewildering, a swirling portal materialized on the roadside, carrying Egon to an unknown destination. As he emerged from the portal, his body collided with the ground, pain shooting through his limbs like electric currents. Gasping, he fought against the ache, summoning his strength to rise to his feet.” “The creature bolted out of the shadows with lightning speed, its sinewy muscles rippled beneath its dark, scaly skin. It bore a striking resemblance to a giant, feral dog, but its eyes glinted with an otherworldly intelligence that made Egon’s blood run cold.” This section will receive a 5 star. Character Design: Sadly, I find that this section is lacking in certain aspects. I’m into chapter 3 and yet I still do not know what Egon looks like. I don’t even know how old he is until chapter 4. However, I AM connected to him. The author did phenomenally in making his character feel very alive for me. I just wish I knew what he looked like. This section receives a 4 star. World Background: The author did great in this section as well. Along with how they created their characters, the world and the worlds creatures are very well described. This world is easy to envision. This section will receive 5 stars.

Related Stories