slowpokeChaos
I believe in the saying that if you want to know someone, then read their work. ;) Join discord server to talk with me. https://discord.gg/ba8R4f3dqx
Schreiben
des Lesens
202
Bücher lesen
Abzeichen
6Augenblicke
221
slowpokeChaos9mthAntwortet auf Folfyunfortunately didn't receive much readers and I am demotivated to write this.my upcoming story 'Return of Crimson Sword God' got better emotional first chap though.I love it.
Dieses Buch wurde gelöscht.- slowpokeChaos11mthAntwortet auf slowpokeChaos
I may have added the laughing emoji. but the question is serious
3) There will be no netorare in the novel. I'll even ask readers for their opinions in polls for certain scenes. The last thing I want is self inserting readers crying and bitching over useless things. - slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiertCh 1 Zhu Feng
- slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiert
Zhu Ying
Dieses Buch wurde gelöscht. - slowpokeChaos11mthVerschickt
- slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiert
u making it sound like the dude just discovered their deathbut previous paras implies something else ..?
But now that they are dead, the thing that was breaking him the most was the same warm memories of his parents. The darkness inside him now felt boundless and endless and he was lost in it, cold and alone. - slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiert
....I not i.also too much .... takes my immersion out.I understand what u are going for but repeating the words didn't achieve it
"I want their warm love back, i want to hug them again, i want to see them again, i want to see them laughing and smiling again, i want play with my father once more, i want to eat the food made by my mother, i want to....i want to...i want to....i want to...i want to.....i want to....." - slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiert
why 'my' 😭😭
Without wasting his words on such a monster, Andrew moved towards him, his right hand outstretching towards the old man's head accompanying my right hand was a black pistol. His eyes never left the black bloodshot eyes, as he pressed the nozzle at the temple. - slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiert
on the floor*and I guess u missed so before that"so much that anyone would"
He looked so pitiful with his slim bony body draped in a pure white lab coat, sprawled in the floor, crying like there was no tommorow, that anyone might've felt sympathy towards the pitiful old man. But not Andrew. - slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiert
no need to say 'indicating his old age' when u literally started with old man
The old man before him looked to be in his sixties, he had a head full of white short hairs and cracks spreading all over his face indicating his old age. His bloodshot black eyes were spewing streams of tears that kept flowing with his mucus leaking from his snout. - slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiert
had not has
The young man called Andrew, has never felt any more disgusted in his life, seeing this old man. - slowpokeChaos11mthKommentiert
I not i
"Andrew, my boy, i made you! How can you kill me? Please stop this!" An aged voice shouted. - slowpokeChaos1yrAntwortet auf DaoistfKFASsCh 1 Why Do You Have to Go Back?
- slowpokeChaos1yrKommentiert
better use small demon instead of the name as mc still hasn't remembered the name
Dieser Absatz wurde gestrichen. - slowpokeChaos1yrKommentiert
even i don't know the meaning of coruscating. Of course by the sentence I can infer that coruscating can be shinning. Still better use simple, understandable words.
Dieser Absatz wurde gestrichen. - slowpokeChaos1yrKommentiert
'them' for streams of light? Doesn't make sense. Or the demon lord and Ruel are present? Make this more clear.
Dieser Absatz wurde gestrichen. - slowpokeChaos1yrKommentiert
scream is mostly high pitched voice and that breaks the imagination lol.
Dieser Absatz wurde gestrichen. - slowpokeChaos1yrKommentiert
ngl most reader will think that gargantuan is the swords name. better use huge. Also you use a lot of commas. I suggest keeping sentences short.
Dieser Absatz wurde gestrichen. - slowpokeChaos1yrKommentiert
better say stayed silent for a few moments
Dieser Absatz wurde gestrichen. - slowpokeChaos1yrKommentiert
power," said Ruel not full stop
Dieser Absatz wurde gestrichen.