A Pact Of Hearts

"Your long neck will get longer if you keep it twisted that way." To Jay Yi's ears, Hwan's mischievous tone was not amusing at all. "You will start looking like the swans we saw in Gaeseong, not that I mind."

The labyrinthine patterns of the decorative maze seemed to swell and protrude, cresting against the softened light of the lantern as Jay Yi resolutely stared at it, refusing to look at Hwan. She could not help but take umbrage at the fact that Hwan could so easily switch from throwing her out of his life to being playfully tormenting as if nothing had happened. 

"Can you let me off, Your Majesty," Jay Yi repeated darkly.

 Hwan followed the graceful but rigid lines of the neck to the soft pulse at her temple, the fine blue veins standing against the delicate skin of the woman who held the key to everything precious in his life. Remorse, love, and overwhelming relief fused into a cauldron churning inside his chest as he regarded her with part amusement and part desire, capturing her baleful profile flush with a gamut of emotions he could bet his life on were not too far from his feelings.

"Look at me, Jay Yi," Hwan said gently. "Please."

Unable to refuse his entreating plea, Jay slowly turned her head to face him. Her eyes met his, deep as the ocean, rueful and overflowing with love.

"Biane." It came from somewhere deep within his chest. 

Relief, affront, love, and chagrin coalesced into a whirlpool of feelings swirling in her mind. As hot rivulets squeezed out from their corners, Jay Yi's lids closed over her stinging eyes. 

"Shhhh," Hwan released her wrists and gently cupped her face. "Don't, Jay Yi," he hushed her. His thumbs brushed away her tears, stroking the corner of her eyes. 

His weight shifted as he sat up. He tugged at her hand, pulling her up to sit beside him. Hwan cupped the side of her face to lift it and bent to kiss her forehead. Jay Yi stiffened and drew back. 

Hwan dropped his hand and sighed. 

"I am going to call Eunuch So and order some food. I am hungry."

"No, please don't call him!" Jay Yi looked at her tunic that had ridden up, and she pulled at it to straighten it, wiping her face with the bell sleeves of the tunic.

"You don't want me to order food?" Hwan's forehead furrowed in mock anger at her natural impertinence. 

"That is not what I meant. Eunuch So must not see me like this," she declared irritably as she tried to fix her hat.

Hwan studied her disconcerted state and tried to hide a smile. She looked adorable enough to eat with her hat askew, the tunic a bit rumpled, sitting a little off on her body, face flushed, and the lashes outlining her doe-shaped eyes still moist. He wanted to snatch her up and glue her to his chest, never to let her go. However, he didn't think it would go down too well with his untamed future wife in her current confused state, who was clearly not feeling too charitable towards him for putting her through the wringer. 

But then, she was the one who started it. Hwan still smarted at the indignity of the reason for her panic at seeing him earlier in the day. 

"I must tell you right now I am ravenous because I have not eaten anything since morning. A certain someone's foolish act made me lose my appetite and -" Hwan paused, grabbing her chin to draw her face up, rankled, " - nearly ruined our lives, so I am not done with you yet. So do not move from here until I am back." 

Jay Yi had the grace to look ashamed, her long lashes creating a soft shadow beneath her eyes. "Yes, Your Majesty."

She watched him walk across the long chamber and step out, closing the door softly behind him. Jay Yi knew she had averted the disaster, and her world was no longer spinning out of control. However, there was a tension in her heart she could not calm. 

A good few minutes later, Hwan found her back in her place across from his bed, sitting pert, knees folded, and resting on the cushion, her back stiff but far more relaxed than earlier. He took another long breath, nodding at her as she quickly stood up. She was determined to keep this formal. Hwan's lips lifted in a wry smile. They would see about that. 

Lowering himself to a comfortable position, Hwan glanced at her drooped form. "Why did you not tell me you were worried about our people to this extent?" Hwan searched her face.

"I did not understand it myself. I am sorry. I will try to be better about it."

"You do not have to apologise, Jay Yi, for feeling that way, but I am upset with you for not even trying to share your fears. You promised you would not keep it to yourself. I love you, Jay Yi. I am going crazy with how much I need you, and I wish I could, but I cannot read your mind. I have lost count of the times we have had this same exact conversation!"

Unable to reply, Jay Yi nodded. 

"Are there other things preying on your mind?" 

She bit her lip. "It might sound weird, and I know you think she is harmless, but I fear the Dowager might be plotting something against us. I have also figured out why she hates you so much."

Hwan threw her a quizzical look.

"You remind her of everything her son was not. She would love for you to fail but is conflicted because she needs to push her father's legacy forward, and you are the sole living heir. But it is possible that she now wants me out of here because she cannot control how you feel about me."

"You know that is never going to happen!" And immediately bit his tongue. 

"It almost did, Your Majesty," Jay Yi said, as if reading his mind, in a whisper that brought on fresh tears that lurked behind her throbbing temples. She blinked them back viciously. "Don't get me wrong. What happened today was not her fault, but I made mistakes with you because of the pressure to ensure she does not take advantage of my missteps."

Hwan swallowed as he looked at her troubled, downturned face. 

The sound of wood scraping against wood made Jay Yi look up. Hwan was extracting something from the drawer of the table before him. 

Her eyes widened as she recognised the long, feather-tipped, tapering pieces of ivory wands in his hands. He gently placed them on the table's lustrous surface and made a small, almost indiscernible motion to pick them up.

Lovingly cradling the quills in her hand, Jay Yi felt a rush of emotions so profound that it choked her vocal cords. 

"Jay Yi, when you presented these to me, you made a request. Do you remember it?"

The magical evening at the hilltop by the lake of Gaeseong came flooding back to her. 

"I requested you sign the execution order of Wo Bin with my brother's quill." 

"You might not realise it, but that was your first decision about a person's life, even before you were the Queen. If Master were around to see you, he would have been very proud of his daughter, Min Jay Yi."

Grateful, Jay sent him a look so full of love that Hwan's heart almost broke free of his ribcage. 

"I will not say it comes easy, but you will learn. Be kind to yourself, too, Jay Yi."

"It's not that simple, Your Majesty. Even though I have come to terms with it and even felt sorry for her because she forgot her son, I have not been able to forgive the former Queen for what she did to my family and those innocent men and women."

"Justice is not about forgiving, Jay Yi. It's about being just no matter how you feel about it."

Deep in thought, Jay Yi was still holding the quills when Eunuch So announced the arrival of food. 

Court lady Woo and court lady Wang carried two massive food trays in. Eunuch Kim and Cha cleared the space on the large table, bringing another smaller, round wooden table with a porcelain veneer on top they placed in front of Jay Yi. 

Her eyes met her former co-workers, and Jay Yi smiled at them. Eunuch Kim and Cha instantly blushed before bowing to her awkwardly, while the court ladies returned her smile gratefully before bowing out. Hwan watched the exchange with a slight smile playing on his lips.

Even before the attendants had reached quarterway to the door, Hwan dug in. It was a little before he noticed Jay Yi had not touched her food.

"Are you not hungry?"

She shook her head, still rolling the quills in her hand. 

Hwan leaned back and watched her. "Can I have those back?" 

Embarrassed, she immediately rose. "Yes, of course, your Majesty." She quickly walked to the larger table Hwan was eating at and placed the quills.

"Not there. Please put them back in the drawer."

Uneasily, she eyed Hwan and estimated the distance between him and the table that held the drawer before her. Sighing, she slowly walked and hunched down on the edge of the bed beside him, trying to maintain her distance. She extended her hand between Hwan and the table to pull the drawer and open it just enough so it would not hit Hwan as he ate without paying attention to her misgivings. 

The crate of the drawer sat snug in its casing, and it was too heavy to respond to her gentle tug from her awkward angle. Unconcerned, Hwan made no effort to make room for her. She had never seen Hwan so interested in eating in her life.

He was doing this on purpose. Gritting her teeth, Jay Yi inched closer to give its sturdy half-moon latch of pure silver a harder tug, but the stubborn thing refused to budge. She realised she needed an even distribution of force on both sides of the drawer to open it, an impossible task unless she was in front of it. The problem was that Hwan's massive frame was almost hunkered over the table, and there was no way she could reach it without inserting herself between the dratted object and the man who seemed to be enjoying her discomfort.

"Your Majesty, can I wait for you to finish before I keep these?"

"They are too precious. Please keep them now." He did not even look up. 

"You are in the way."

Unapologetic, he straightened a little, which created a little more space, but he showed no intention of moving away further, munching on something with such a relish that made Jay Yi want to slap it out of his hand.

Obstinately, she again tried to pull it without moving any closer. 

"I have never seen a woman so determined not to woo a man she is attracted to," Hwan said conversationally. 

Jay Yi paused, giving a side glare. "What do you mean?"

"You could not give a man a wrong idea even if you wanted to. You have no clue how to."

Offended, she sat back. "So now I don't have enough charms?"

"Oh, you have plenty. You do not know how to use them."

"I do not want to!"

"You would not know how to even if it hit it in your face," Hwan was maddeningly interested in the rice cake he was munching on.

"And how can you tell when a woman uses her charms?"

Hwan turned his eyes on her. They were hooded, with a look that suspiciously bordered on the sly.

"I have grown up surrounded by beautiful women. Let's say some of them..er...educated me on that."

A flare of envy flew through Jay Yi as she looked away. 

"Unfortunately, I am not known for being too impressed by them," Hwan said softly as he took in her flushed face, delighted at the effect of his words on her. "I would only be interested in being enchanted by one woman on this planet if she decided to employ her charms on me. Unfortunately, she never seems to get the hint."

"Well, apparently, she does not know how to," Jay Yi returned evenly. "Also, why would you need her to employ them on you anyway? Are you not sending her away, free from all obligations? Maybe she would learn to use them on someone else-"

A hand flashed out as Hwan grabbed her by the nape of her neck, jerking her close, his eyes glinting dangerously. "Do not push your luck. You do not want to be responsible for the loss of a man's life. You will never be rid of me."

Jay Yi's heart shrieked excitedly as her treacherous body reacted viscerally to his jealousy driven words, even as her mind ordered both to shut up and calm down. 

"You are doing this on purpose, are you not?" Her voice had a tremor to it that she tried to control. 

"What if I am?" His face was dangerously close, his breath a heady mixture of honey and spice, his male fragrance throwing her system off kilter. 

"Why?" 

"To - " Hwan brought a rice cake to her mouth, "feed you, of course!"

He suddenly let her go, gently nudging her mouth open, and Jay Yi automatically bit on the tteok. 

"Why, did you have a wrong idea?" He widened his eyes in mock concern.

Jay Yi almost choked with indignation. She placed the quills on the table. "Please put them wherever you need -"

"Are you defying your King, Min Jay Yi?" 

"What do you want, Your Majesty?" Jay Yi was utterly frustrated.

"I want you with me, here, tonight," Hwan said huskily. 

As comprehension drew, Jay Yi gasped, inching away. "I must go now -" She quickly stood up on her knees to escape. With lightning speed, Hwan grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her to him. She tumbled, her upper body landing on his thighs sideways. Hwan encircled her midriff and turned her to face him, her neck in the crook of his arm, his legs nestling her weight, with one leg looping over her thighs to prevent her from escaping. With one push, her offending Eunuch's hat came off her head.

He cradled her face, a thumb smoothing her cheek sensually, sending tingles down her toes.

"Please let me up, Your Majesty!"

"Jay Yi, you came to me and are running away. Don't be angry. Stay with me. I am sorry. At least let me thank you for not giving up on us...I promise we won't do anything you don't want, wrong idea or not..."

She felt an ache somewhere deep inside. "Your Majesty, I am hurting, and you think this is a joke!"

Hwan stilled. 

"No, Jay Yi. I don't. How can I? Between losing you and death, if I had to choose one, I would choose the latter...You gave me the gift of life. You do not know how sorry I am for not understaning your pain, and not realising what I saw was not true. Forgive me sweetheart, please. I know you are hurting, and I want to make it better. Please give me a chance, sweetheart. I promise I will make it up to you." Hwan said gruffly as his finger rolled around the front of her ear to the back, tracing it gently.

Jay Yi jerked her head away from his touch. "I know it was my fault, and I should have tried to open up to you more and not hide from you like I did. I know all that, and I have not regretted anything more in my life. But how - how could you find it in your heart to send me away?" Jay Yi felt a familiar throb in her temple as the fear and the pain came back in a wave of anguish, her eyes fiery as she looked at him.

Hwan visibly pushed down a lump, the marble in his throat moving the delectable way she loved. "I misunderstood what I saw. It raised demons of fear I could not chase away, Jay Yi. You have given up so much for me..and I felt like a selfish bastard...I don't want this to become a golden cage for you... If I had not been responsible for Joseon...." He clenched his eyes and released an anguished breath, his fingers wrapping themselves around her waist as he held her tight.

She had seen his barren eyes, the desolation in each move, and the bleakness in his every muscle when she came in. In her heart, she knew he would not have survived had he continued that path. The speed with which Eunuch So had agreed to her plan had only confirmed her suspicion.

"For the last time, it is not a cage for me. I made this choice. What will it take for me to make you believe that a life without you is sentencing me to death as well?" Jay Yi was angry. The pressure behind her eyes gave away to treacherous tears that she angrily wiped away. 

Hwan stared at her. "Jay Yi I-"

"Even if I did not want to be here as you wrongly assumed, is our love not enough for you to believe me? How could you not know a life without you is no life at all? You laughed at me when I told you the reason for my hiding, yet you were ready to kill both of us without giving me a chance to articulate myself. I know I was foolish, but I deserved a chance. Why would you take that away from me? Why would you choose to believe your eyes more than the woman you love? You made the same choice two years ago when that letter came. How do I trust you, Your Majesty, that you will not do the same again?" A heartbroken sob tore from her. 

Stunned, Hwan grabbed her shoulder, "Jay Yi, please, you are tearing me apart. Oh, my sweet love, I am so sorry for doing this to you," Hwan's voice broke. "Truth is, if you had not come tonight, I would have come to you before the sun rose. I had already realised I could not let you go. Please believe me."

Jay Yi stared at him. 

"You did not even want to speak with me when I came here."

"I was angry because I thought I could not be what you needed, that I was not enough for you, that you did not want me anymore, and it was killing me inside. Jay Yi, I cannot stand the - the thought of you not wanting me anymore. I was trying everything to keep you out of my mind. I was being an ass."

"Not want you?" She gave a caustic laugh. "I hid from you because I want you so much that I -" She shook her head. Jay Yi traced his jaw achingly. "You are my best friend. Do you understand what your words did to me today? I, too, fear that I might not match up to the expectations. But I did not run, Your Majesty. How can you give away the today for fear of tomorrow?" 

He turned his lips into her hands and looked into her eyes with tear-filled eyes. "Because I am a moron. Teach me to live for today, Jay Yi. Tell me, how do I atone for it? How do I make it better?"

Strong hands tried to pull her closer, but she resisted, placing her hands on his chest. 

"Promise me, no matter what happens, no matter how hard it is for you, you will never think of being away from me. Our lives will not be perfect. We will still hurt each other again, perhaps many times. You will keep believing in us as long as we live and never think of sending me away. In return, I will not keep anything from you."

"Never, never again. Today, I knew I could die without you, Jay Yi," Hwan whispered against her skin. His throat clogged as his eyes lost the battle to keep the water flooding his eyes contained. "I will never let you out of my sight. You are the Yin to my Yang. I lose myself without you by my side. Can you forgive me? And once you have forgiven me, maybe you can find a way so I can forgive myself for what I did to us today."

He dragged her closer to his chest. This time, her resistance drained out, she came to him like a limp doll. Holding her in his cocoon, Hwan broke down, her honest questions tearing open a raw nerve that swept his emotions in an unexpected outpour he could not control. At some point, Jay Yi's arms went around him, and she held onto him so tightly as if she feared that if she let go, he would dissolve into fragments. She soothed him with one hand as his shoulders heaved. Her other hand bunched his hanbok into a knot as she poured her relief into him, her face burrowed in his expansive, secure chest as Hwan's wet gaze chased the shadows in the room, unseeing the colours of different objects that broke the linear lines of the chamber.

As their tumultuous senses calmed down, Hwan rocked her softly. 

"Jay Yi, can I also have a promise?"