Chapter One

I wake up slowly. I always do. First I'm drifting away from my dream, then I open my eyes every now and then. Finally, I wake. I open my eyes. The room is dark and cold. My stomach ties in a knot. Where am I?

I sit up quickly and look around. The room is getting darker, darker… Lighter… Lighter… I exhale. I can see my room again. The pale pink walls, the cacti and other plants on my desk, my laptop at the end of the bed. I uncover myself from my blankets.

I glance at my roommate's door. I don't see her very often. I've only seen her about three times before. Her name… Amy. She has short, light pink hair. She's studying for art school. She's really good, from what I've seen on her Instagram.

Suddenly, my phone dings. I jump, sending my long, blue-ish-grey-ish hair flying around me. I pick up my phone and see the screen. It's from mom.

Hey Kim, it's mom again. How was school? Please answer my texts.

I sigh and put my phone face-down on the nightstand. Mom and I haven't been in a great relationship since I was in seventh grade. Things… Happened. Our relationship has never been the same since then.

I get up and undress. I walk over to the bathroom and turn on the shower. The warm water is making the blood inside me flow again. Ever since I moved here, I've never been lonelier than ever, and everything is always cold.

After my quick shower, I wrap myself with a towel and dry off. Once I'm all dry, I wrap my hair in another towel and put a blue robe. I brush my teeth and floss. By that time, my hair is dry enough to unwrap without it dripping all over the floor. I brush it out and blow dry it. Now it's soft. Now I can see the blue more clearly.

I quickly dress into a light green shirt and denim ripped jeans. I slip on my brown Birkenstock's and make my blue and green and pink bed. I finally reach for my laptop at the end of the bed and open it up.

I open my Gmail and scroll through. Nothing new. I close my laptop again. Ding! Ding! I roll my eyes and pick up my phone. Mom. Again.

Kim, you okay?

I put the phone face-down again. Literally, two seconds after that, she texts again.

Please text me back.

I ignore the text again. I walk over to the mirror and adjust my wavy hair. Ring! Ring! Ring! "Ugh," I say. I walk over and pick up my phone again. Mom's calling me now. I tap the green phone icon and put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I say grudgingly.

"Honey!" Mom says. She has a voice that goes higher and lower the more she talks. Up and down and up and down. It's pretty annoying. "How are you?"

"I was fine," I say. I'm about to hang up.

"Oh, that's so great, sweetheart."

"Mom, listen. I gotta go--"

"No!" she says suddenly. She clears her throat. "Don't go. Not yet."

"Mom, I really have to go--"

I hear the door open. I look up. Amy is standing in the doorway. She waves a little. I wave back.

"Honey--"

"Mom, someone's at the door. Bye--"

"No!"

I hang up.

I look over at Amy. "What's up?"

"Oh," Amy's quiet and has a soft voice. "Nothing. I just wanted to see how your day has been."

"My day?" I'm super confused right now.

"Oh, and happy birthday."

I blink.

"You remembered."

"Of course."

"I didn't even remember."

Amy shrugs.

I smile a little. Then I clear my throat. "Well," I say. "I better go get some breakfast."

"Oh," Amy says, her smile fading a little. "Okay."

I'm about to say something else, but I just grab my keys and nod my head to Amy. "See ya," I say. She nods slowly. She goes back into her room. I sigh and open the outside door.

I walk to my small car and unlock it. I slide in and shut the door. I jam the keys in the ignition.

I drive to the nearest fast-food restaurant: McDonald's. I park and hop out of the car. I get out my keys and lock the car. I walk inside as I slip on a forest green sweatshirt. People eye me judgmentally as I walk up to the counter to order.

I order a burger and a large fry.

I hand the cashier my money and take a seat at a booth in the corner.

I pull out my phone from my pocket and open Instaglam. I start scrolling through all the posts from earlier this morning. People with their families, or their husbands or wives. I sigh. When I graduated high school, I was so excited to get out of the house from Mom and start my own, better life. But ever since I've moved out, I've been lonelier than ever.

I come across a picture of Amy and her latest painting. She usually looks serious in her posts, but here, she looks like she has actual feeling in her smile.

After I finish eating I go back to the counter for a strawberry shake. I wait a couple minutes for that and once I get it I leave.

I get back into the car and take off my sweatshirt. It's always chilly in Jackie Green's.

I drive around the cloudy San Francisco area I live in. People everywhere look like they have a much better life than I have. I got stuck in traffic a couple minutes ago. I sigh heavily. "What can I do?" I ask aloud to the air. "What can I do not to feel this way?"

Tears roll down my cheeks. Rivers of tears that I can't control.

That no amount of love can control.

No one can control my agony and depression.

I've kept it in for so long, and now it finally found a way to leak free.

And now it's flooding my life.