In which bad things happen to bad people AND bad beds...

We landed gracefully, like vengeful angels descending upon a gathering of particularly clueless pigeons. Black robes swirled around us, hundreds of skull-topped staves clattering to the stone floor as their owners gaped in stunned silence. The air hung thick with the stench of incense and something else… something metallic, like blood mixed with rust. A shiver ran down my spine, but it wasn't fear. It was absolute disgust. This was more than just a random encounter with a few stray undead. They were clearly planning something stupid.

"Well," I said, my voice dripping with mocking amusement, "it seems we have acquired an invitation to a cult rave! Shall we go about shitting all over whatever the hell these morons are doing?" I gestured towards the throng of robed figures, my frown deepening into a grimace as I took in the absurdity of the scene. Hundreds of them, packed into this cavernous chamber deep beneath the graveyard, their eyes wide with shock and confusion.

Before any of the other weak and garbage-class cultists around us could even begin to react, a figure in crimson robes broke from the crowd. He stormed towards us, his face contorted in a mask of what he clearly thought was righteous fury while a necklace of skulls rattled against his chest like a demented wind chime. His eyes, blazing with a fanaticism that made my skin crawl, were fixed on me, on Asuna, on the audacity of our arrival.

"HOW DARE YOU! You dare invade the staging ground for my great plan!? Zurrernorn shall no-"

His words were cut short, abruptly and definitively. Asuna, her movements a blur of silver, a dance of death only I could truly appreciate, drove her rapier through the man's skull. The force of the impact obliterated his entire upper body in a spray of blood and bone. The crimson-stained necklace of skulls clattered to the floor, a morbid metronome marking the end of his pathetic existence.

Asuna, her rapier dripping with blood, turned towards the stunned crowd, her eyes narrowed, her voice a chilling whisper that cut through the stunned silence.

"I was talking to my husband!" She paused for a moment, as she swiped the air and the small amount of blood still on her rapier slapped one of the stunned cultists in the face. "Do any other bugs want to interrupt me!?"

A wave of panic rippled through the assembled cultists. Some stumbled back, their eyes wide with terror, their hands fumbling for weapons that would be as effective as toothpicks against a hurricane. Others, their minds consumed by a fanaticism that bordered on madness, let out a primal scream and charged towards us, their skull-topped staves held high. They were lambs to the slaughter, their pathetic attempts at resistance only fueling our amusement.

But our attention was drawn to a new arrival, emerging from the shadows with a predatory grace. A woman, tall and lithe, her every movement radiating a dangerous confidence. Two stiletto daggers, their blades gleaming, were held loosely in each of her hands. My gaze drifted downwards, my stomach churning as I took in the full absurdity of her attire. Her armor, a patchwork of mismatched metal plates, was clearly made from… adventurer tags. Hundreds of them, maybe even thousands, sewn together with a macabre artistry that was both impressive and deeply unsettling.

"That…" I said, my voice a low whistle of disbelief, "is really fucked up, lady. That's like, over a thousand dead adventurers you're wearing. And that smile…" I shook my head, a shiver running down my spine despite the mockery in my voice. "It doesn't make you look pretty. It makes you look like a demented frog with twelve murder fetishes."

Her smile widened, revealing a row of sharp, pointed teeth that seemed a bit too long, a bit too sharp, for a normal human. "Oh, honey," she purred, her voice a husky rasp that sent another shiver down my spine, "you have no idea." She took a step closer, her eyes, that seemed to glow with an inner fire, locked on Asuna. "You're going to look lovely as part of my collection."

My eyes twitched and my mocking frown disappeared, replaced by a scowl of contempt.

"And now you're fucking dead. How does that sound?"

The mocking amusement vanished from my voice, replaced by a chilling calm, a void of emotion that mirrored the emptiness I was about to unleash. I didn't bother with witty retorts, with playful banter. This… thing, this creature that wore the dead as a trophy, had crossed a line.

With a single step, I crossed the distance between us. The air snapped loudly as I stepped forward, the very fabric of reality warping under the weight of my unleashed divinity. My sword, a blur of motion too fast for any person in this reality besides Asuna to fully perceive, arced through the air, a whisper of death that cleaved through flesh, bone, and soul.

The woman, her predatory grin frozen in place, didn't even have time to scream or even notice I had moved. One moment she was there, a grotesque parody of inhumanity trying to be pretty, the next she was nothing. A spray of blood, a burst of crimson mist, then even that vanished, atomized into nothingness by the sheer force of my strike.

A heavy silence descended upon the chamber, broken only by the panicked gasps of the remaining cultists. I turned towards them, my eyes glowing with an icy fire that consumed their terror, their fanaticism, their very existence. They disintegrated, one by one, their forms dissolving into dust, their souls yanked into my storage for later personality erasure.

The floor beneath us buckled, the stone cracking and splitting under the strain of my power. A chasm, a jagged wound in the earth, ripped through the catacombs, extending upwards, outwards, consuming everything in its path. A distant rumble, the sound of collapsing stone and crumbling earth, echoed through the chamber.

"I'm glad to know my husband cares enough to snap at someone who threatens me," Asuna said, her voice full of amusement as she surveyed the carnage I'd wrought and snapped me out of my rage. "But I'm pretty sure we should get out of here before someone comes to find that a large portion of the city wall is missing, along with an eighth of the back side of the catacombs."

I chuckled, the chilling calm receding, replaced by a familiar mask of amusement. "Yeah," I said, my grin returning, "let's not stick around for the cleanup crew. This place is giving me the creeps."

With a thought, I used my control over space and the world around us blurred, reality twisting and folding upon itself as we teleported away, leaving behind a scene of utter devastation and a gaping hole in the city's defenses.

We slipped out of the graveyard amidst the chaos, ignoring the shouts of the knights and the panicked cries of the adventurers who were still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.A massive chunk of the catacombs was missing, along with a sizable portion of the city wall.Oops."Let's get out of here before they start asking questions," I whispered to Asuna, my voice a low murmur as we casually strolled back towards the Adventurers Guild.My eyebrow twitched involuntarily when I glanced at the devastation behind us.I really hoped we weren't going to be held responsible for the damages. Repairing a city wall was not exactly how I'd envisioned spending our vacation.Back at the guild, we received our payment for the "undead extermination" with a mix of amusement and boredom. The guild staff, their faces still pale with shock, handed over a hefty sack of silver coins with trembling hands.They seemed terrified of whatever had caused the wall to crumble, which, to be honest, was a bit of a mood killer."We have another urgent request," a guild receptionist stammered, her voice barely audible above the din of the guild hall. "The city wall has been breached. We need all available adventurers to assist in the defense."I turned to leave, my eyebrow twitching again. "Sorry, we have a prior engagement," I lied smoothly. "Maybe next time." I practically dragged Asuna, who was just giving me a raised eyebrow and a smirk, out of the guild hall.I didn't want to stick around to see the extent of the damage, let alone explain how it had happened.We ended up at a fancy inn, a lavish establishment that reeked of wealth and privilege. After a quick bath – a luxury I'd sorely missed after days of traveling – we collapsed onto the massive, canopied bed in our room.a few minutes later, after a series of groans and muttered curses, "This bed sucks!""Why didn't we check if this was an actual bed and not a dumpster?!" I agreedThe pillows were hard, lumpy, and smelled vaguely of mildew. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would sleep on this monstrosity?"What even is this garbage made of?!" Asuna clearly agreed further.We both stumbled out of the bed, if you can call it that, and with a grimace I observed it closely.Asuna then started doing a really in depth investigation.Needless to say, that investigation had 'Disturbing discoveries.' to be discovered within.We encased it in a barrier and set it on fire to the point that ashes would become ashes of ashes and then cease to exist.We took another bath, this time with added disinfection methods via divinity."Inventory time," I declared, pulling out a massive, king-sized bed from my spatial storage.The bed was a marvel of modern technology, a memory foam mattress with adjustable firmness settings, temperature control, and features that would probably make sense to the chad bedding scientist, but certainly not the average bedding sleeper.Asuna, who had been struggling to get comfortable on the medieval torture device, let out a sigh of relief."Thank everything for actual comfortable bedding," she murmured, sinking into the plush embrace of the mattress. "This is the real comfort I need.""This is life," I let out with a contented sigh.My last thought before falling asleep was if I should leave this bed here or just some gold.With that, our divinely-powered duo has scored themselves a shiny new Silver Plate! Meanwhile, they left a trail of bewildered adventurers wondering if maybe, just maybe, they accidentally wandered into a tournament arc where rocks fall and everyone dies! But while Kirito and Asuna are enjoying the perks of their ill-gotten bedding, the city of E-Rantel is in full-on panic! They're scrambling to repair a city wall that's looking a bit more like Swiss cheese than a formidable defense, completely oblivious to the fact that their "noble saviors" are the ones who accidentally turned it into a demolition derby practice oopsie!Meanwhile, your humble narrator is hoping this hurricane doesn't decide to make a guest appearance in the author's living room! Will the truth about the city wall's "mysterious" collapse ever come to light? Will Kirito and Asuna's "vacation" devolve into a full-blown "conquer everything" speedrun? And just how long will it take for those poor, overworked souls at the Adventurer's Guild to realize that they've just handed out a Silver Plate to a pair of literal gods? How long will that guaranteed and torturous power-outage last?!

Find out next time on "The Multiverse Shits Itself: Honeymoon Havoc and Accidental Apocalypse of the 42nd dimension!" Where reality is about as stable as a caffeine-fueled squirrel with a tendency towards enacting serial murder and the only thing more unpredictable than a hurricane is a bored god with a penchant for collateral damage!