True Feelings

"What's not fair?"

She took her face out of my chest and looked up at me and said

"I-It's not fair that only you got to see mom"

Her voice was back to normal but it sounded like she was a bit angry

"I'm glad you got to see mom again but even I want to see her again!"

She raised her voice and exclaimed

"How come you got the opportunity when I've been wishing the same thing every night for 10 years! Even if it's a dream or just a small sign, I hoped that I could see mom again or at least feel her presence but it never happened. But now your saying you met mom and even got to talk to her! It's just not fair! Aren't we both supposed to he her children, then how come she never visited me! How am I supposed to be the favourite child when she never fulfilled my wish!"

Kaede sounded like she was angry and frustrated and was venting it out all on me but her face showed a sorrow expression. She continued saying

"I know I should be feeling happy for you but I can't help but feel jealous. I'm being a cruel selfish girl who only cares about herself and can't celebrate her brother's joy and I hate it. I want to believe that what I'm saying isn't true but I know it is, as it just feels right coming out of my mouth. I want to lie to you and say that everything is alright but a part deep inside of me wants me to scream everything that I truly feel at your face"

She looked me in the eye and asked

"But is this alright? Am I supposed to be saying this all out loud? Is this what you really wanted me to say Onii-chan? Do you think of me as a selfish girl right now?"

I patted her on the head and told

"Hmmm.....To be honest Kaede, you are acting quite selfish right now. There's no way around that"

She looked downhearted and surprised with my blunt remark. Knowing she would react that way I smiled and continued saying

"But who told you being selfish is a bad thing?"

"Huh?"

"Selfishness is a part of human nature and there's no changing it. If there's anyone out there without a hint of selfishness in him/her, then they are basically a saint. Even children and babies who are considered to be the purest in the world, without having a single bad thought in their mind act selfishly. It's just something you can't go against and it's not wrong in anyway. It just means that you want to help yourself and take care of your own body. There's nothing wrong in wishing for your own happiness and success, it just makes you into a more confident and positive person. Actually neglecting your needs will only cause you problems and will cause you to carry negative thoughts. But that doesn't mean you can be as selfish as you want. There's a thin line between being selfish and greedy and being self compassionate and what makes the difference is whether your thoughts and actions have caused a negative impact on someone's life. And I know for a fact that you have never and will never cross that line. You're a kind girl who puts everyones needs before herself and tries to help anyone in need. You can't ignore a person who needs help and are willing to sacrifice a part of your life to help that person. It may seem like I'm spouting out some words to make you feel better but trust me, I know you better then any one in the world and what I'm saying is entirely true word for word. So if you ask me whether you are acting selfish right now, then my answer is yes…Yes you are. But that doesn't make any difference to the way I see you. Didn't I tell you that family will always accept you no matter what you become? So in my eyes your still the same adorable little sister I've always had"

Kaede looked at me with widened eyes for a few seconds and then gave a small smile and said

"I guess I can be a little selfish"

"Hey! But that doesn't mean you can steal all my food and dump all the the chores on me. That's just being over selfish"

She glared at me and told

"No, that doesn't count!"

"What!"

She gave a cheeky smile and told

"Didn't you tell me to not hold back when it comes to family? You told I can be as selfish as I want to be because you can handle it...Or are you telling me that whatever you said before was just for show? "

*sigh* My own words backfired on me. Now she isn't going to hold back when it comes to lazing around and is going to make me do all the work. I dug my own grave there, didn't I. Kaede told in a apologetic manner

"Sorry for troubling you Onii-chan. It's just that I dreamed of doing a lot of stuff with mom like in the past again and I'm just frustrated and sad that it never actaually happened no matter how many times I wished for it, so I vented all that frustration on you. I'm really sorry about that"

"Honestly I found your small tantrum pretty cute so don't mind it...But would you mind telling me some of the stuff you wanted to do with mom again for old times sake?"

She thought for a few seconds and said

"Well first of I want to taste her horrible but wholesome cooking again"

"Me too! I used to complain that her cooking could put a person in a hospital but now I'm dying to taste it again"

"I know right! And then I want to cuddle with her on the sofa and laugh while watching our favourite dramas"

"Oh yeah I remember that. Both of you would always hog the tv and would never allow me or dad to use it"

"Y-Yeah both of you would just give up on watching your own shows and would join us"

Kaede's voice started to get lower and her eyes started to wander. I guess talking about the past is bringing up some emotional memories with mom which is making Kaede miss her. Maybe if I dig in more I can make her reveal all the feelings she's going through now. So I said

"And then what?"

"I-I want her to praise me and pat me on the head like before when I did something good like getting g-good marks"

"Hmph! All I ever got was a good whacking whenever I did something bad"

"Y-Yeah! I also want her to scold me when I do something bad and then make up for all the scolding with a hug"

It seems like she was beginning to open up as her hands started to shiver and her eyes started to tear up. Now I just need to go in deeper, so I asked

"What else did you want to do?"

Immideiataly after I asked, Kaede buried her face into my chest while clinging on to my shirt for support and exclaimed

"There's so much I wanted to do with her! I wanted to have girl talks with her like before! I wanted her to braid my hair in the morning! I wanted to go clothes shopping with her on the weekend! I wanted her to tuck me into my bed! I want her to welcome be back when I come home from school! I want to see her big bright smile again!..."

She stopped and gasped for air for a few seconds. She then said in a soft quivering voice

"T-There's a lot of things I want to do with her, too many to count but what is the use in thinking about it when she's never coming back..."

Just how much has this poor girl suffered this whole time. All she asked and dreamed was to spend time with her mother like any daughter would, but sadly fate didn't work how we expected it to and took away mom before we knew it

What a game life plays with us, one moment you're happily spending time with your family and the next your attending their funeral

Some say everyone's fate is already written before their born. If that's true, I'd find the person who wrote my mother's fate, even if I have to search the corners of the earth and would smash his face in and make him repent for making my sister suffer like this

But even if I do, it's not like she's going to come back

That's just how life works, people die and new ones are born. It's an endless cycle no one can interrupt

Where the fallen ones go?.…No one knows

Reincarnation, the void, heaven or hell, well it doesn't matter. The only thing we need to do is remember the moments we spent with our lost loved ones and cherish them. We must keep them in our hearts and move on and maybe…Just maybe…We might be able to see them again one day

"But Onii-chan…"

"Yes Kaede"

She looked up at me with a face that was on the verge of crying. Her eyes were filled with tears and her cheeks were blushed. She wanted to cry but was holding it back in. She then slowly told in a soft desperate voice

"M-Most of all...…I just want to s-see her one more time...…and w-want her to tell me that she loves me, one last time"

Once I heard her desperate plea, I softly pushed her head, hugged her tightly and gently told

"Mom loves Kaede…More than anything in the world…No matter the place she may be, she will always have a place for you in her heart. So don't worry Kaede and let all those feelings you've been holding in out"

After hearing my words, tears flowed down from her light green eyes and she cried...

"ONII-CHANNN!...…I MISS MOMMY!...WAAAAAAH!.....*Loud Crying Noises*....."

*Sigh* I guess it's gonna be a long night...