Memories

Emily

In the end I make the right decision and tell Dean, that I'll be going home alone tonight. He is quite shocked, so I take advantage of his silence and tiptoe to kiss him softly on the corner of his lips. As soon as my lips touch his, I regret my decision and I so want this kiss to be more. I quickly separate from him before he reacts, or I change my mind to let him take me to his place tonight.

I look at his stunning face once more, then I give his jacket back and dash to get into my uber, that I have booked while he was setting the bill. I try not to look back. This is a mantra I have been living with for the past few years. I let my body go in the back seat of the moving car and try to engrave on my brain, every single detail from tonight.

A short taxi ride after, I enter inside my hotel room. I throw my hand bag on the bed and I follow it seconds after. My head is spinning and it's not from the one strawberry daiquiri I had, but from the excitement I've experienced tonight.

"Hmm...Dean!" I say his name out loud. I really liked him and now I hope he really is the 'Dean' I am meeting tomorrow, otherwise I've just missed a great night.

I lay for a few more minutes on the bed, until I am feeling energetic enough to take a shower. My thoughts go from tonight, to the meeting tomorrow morning, then the lunch with my friend from the gym and then... I end up thinking about him again.

I try to stop my self, but the memories one after another, flash before my closed eyes at lightening speed. I quickly open my eyes, but it's worse. My heart starts beating faster and faster, while fine beads of perspiration form on my forehead. My ears are ringing with a muted sound, while I look around.

Darkness, coldness, loneliness, these feelings suddenly overwhelm me. I stare a the dull, stained ceiling of this cold, outdated hotel room and the same dull pain returns in my heart. I sit up and slide on the floor crouching and trying to force my self to cry, but after four years, there are no more tears left.

The inability to cry panics me, while his memory becomes more and more vivid in my head. I suddenly sit up and gasp for air, but fail. I brace my self, just because of the need of holding something, like I used to hold him in my arms and I pace back and forth on the cold floor. The feeling of missing, touching and holding gets stronger and stronger and I pace faster, until I dash out of the room and onto the balcony.

Only dressed in my thin evening gown, the cold winter air from outside, hits me hard. I inhale a large gulp of air and grab, with both hands the frozen metal rail of the balcony. I look down, ignoring the fact that my hands are freezing and the next and only thing I want, is to become one with the ground and close my eyes forever.

I squeeze the rail harder in my hands, while my body leans forward and bends over the balcony rail. My heart is spiked with adrenaline at the moment, I know it, because my smart watch started beeping like crazy for a minute straight. But in my madness, the sound of it, it is not strong enough.

I stop suppressing my memories and let them flow through every inch of my body, while my eyes are fixated on the ground. I am on the sixth floor and I just want...

A ringing sound comes from inside of the room, it's my phone. I look down at my watch and it's my psychiatrist. The call automatically connects and a calm voice is heard from inside the room.

"Adrianne..."