Uncontrollable regret

"Hello," Yixing picked his call up, with his voice hoarse. And Huobai had involuntarily swallowed because he remembered the night. He coughed and attempted to focus on the call.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" he asked and he could cut through the silence that occurred. But Huobai wasn't that surprised. He knew Yixing was probably sleeping 

"No you can talk, I'm okay." Huobai heard the shuffling of the sheets, so he knew he guessed right. But what he wanted to do needed to be done now, before he would change his mind. 

"I want to talk to you about something," Huobai said. There was another quiet moment before Yixing agreed. And Huobai could breathe out.

"Why did you say everything is your fault?" he asked something that bugged him the whole time. Huobai really hadn't anticipated something like that. Normally if people didn't know who he was, who his family was, they wouldn't take his mistakes upon themselves. 

"Because it was," Yixing stated nonchalantly, and Huobai frowned. He was really confused. Even more now. He wanted to ask why, but Yixing continued reading right into his silence.

"If I wasn't too greedy and haven't made you drunk. None of it would happen. If we only drank a bit, you wouldn't have felt bad for what happened and we would be okay." Huobai wanted to bump his head on the wall repeatedly. But he figured out that it would bother the nurses if he started doing that.

"But I chose to drink," he managed to get out defending Yixing, but he heard him chuckle and sigh. 

"I used to drink a lot. I knew how much alcohol content the shots had. And I still order so many of them. The owner of the club, my friend, was trying to talk me out of it, but I insisted." Huobai suddenly got the face of the guy when Yixing ordered those drinks. 

"And you think I didn't know? I drank the first shot voluntarily and knew how strong it could be. And you haven't forced me to drink it. I did it by myself." Huobai would gladly leave out that he was drinking, mainly because of his competitiveness. 

Yixing kept quiet so Huobai knew it was his thinking time. It really wasn't his fault and the next thing. Yes, Huobai regretted that he slept with Yixing but because of a completely different reason than Yixing thought. But he won't say that now. 

"Yixing, I knew what I was doing when I was drinking. And I don't regret what I did. But I just want to be friends with you. I…" he stopped for a moment, thinking how he should say what he wanted to say. But Yixing started talking first.

"I get it. You don't like me at all. I get it, really. I won't attempt anything anymore. I will just be your friend," he said, sounding sad. And Huobai wanted to yell out. Why everyone keeps jumping to their own conclusion?

"No, I-" He was interrupted once more.

"I know. You didn't want to hurt me. I honestly regret what happened that night. I shouldn't have done any of it. We should just remain friends." This hurt Huobai a lot. He never expected Yixing, who was the one chasing after him, that he would regret that night. 

But he shouldn't be that surprised. How hateful he must be towards him when he only used him and then ran away like a coward. Not even talking to him, or apologizing. Huobai now knew the time he could have changed it, went past. He missed his chance.

"You regret?" he managed to squeeze out, trying to sound normal. But deep inside, his heart was aching once more. 

"Yes, I do. I should have never made the move on you. We can be just friends. I won't try anything anymore," Yixing breathed out and Huobai bit his lip. 

Why did this happen? Why when he tried to open up his heart, he was hurt so much? He was right before. He shouldn't have become close to anyone. It was okay to be by himself. The only love he needed was his family. No one else. 

"Yes, I agree. We will remain friends. No feelings involved," Huobai heard himself saying and as if he detached from his own body and mind. He just couldn't stop those words. He didn't want this. But he had to. He had to protect himself. 

"No feelings involved. Yes. Only friends." Yixing repeated after him and then laughed.

"I hope you will soon come back. Don't worry, I won't bother you. Let's forget it ever happened and let's just start over as friends," he continued. Huobai tilted his head backward, closed his eyes, and breathed out. This wasn't how he imagined things would go. 

"I still need to do some things, but I will come back as soon as I can," Huobai said after he looked around. He was still in hospital, but he would be released soon. He would still need some time at home, though, rehabilitation. 

"Awesome. Then… we will hear each other later in the evening, right?" Huobai nodded out of his mind. There was an embarrassing silence before he spoke up, snapping out of it.

"Yes, we will." As soon as Huobai said this, a knock sounded on the door and a nurse came in. Huobai quickly covered the speaker, hoping to muffle the sound a bit. He put his finger up to his lips and silently mouthed for her to wait a bit.

"I'm sorry I need to go. See you soon. Bye," he quickly said to the phone, and without waiting for the answer, he hung upon him.

He turned to face the nurse and smiled at him, but deep inside he was dying. His eyes started welling with tears that were soon falling in masses down to the hospital blanket. 

"Does your knee hurt? Are you in pain? Do you need pills? Is everything okay?" The nurse freaked out a bit. Because he was a VIP client, they had to take care of him. But Huobai shook his head and sniffled. 

"I'm okay. I just need some time alone," he whispered, out of energy. She nodded and performed everything she needed, and then left him there. 

Alone. As alone as he always was. He was surrounded by people, yet he was alone and not loved. 

Huobai curled himself in bed and cried himself to sleep. Because that was the only thing he could do now.