Before we go into this just know This
Anything above or below what I’ve shared here is not copyrighted, so feel free to use it however you like—to expand your knowledge, refine your writing style, or anything else. I was simply offering an example to help improve your writing because I genuinely enjoyed the story. I read up to about 25 chapters, and I noticed that while the immersiveness is really strong in some parts, it can sometimes feel like it fades away, making me feel disconnected from the experience. That’s the impression I got, and I think this is an area where you could enhance the consistency. Overall, it’s a great story with a solid concept, and I’m excited to see how it develops.
Honest thoughts and suggestions from me, aka Ryughaa:
First off, I want to say that I’m not critiquing the formula itself—it’s a good idea. I really like the concept you’re working with, but I just think you could add your own unique twist to it. Instead of following what everyone else is doing, adding that twist could set your story apart. At the end of the day, there are thousands upon thousands of stories that follow similar formulas. So why would readers choose yours over another with a similar style? If it feels too similar to others, it risks blending in. But by adding something unique, your story could stand out and become something way better—like insanely good.
For example, instead of just summarizing the protagonist’s life experiences or achievements, you could twist it in a way that immerses the reader more. Imagine if, instead of texts or narration showing his progress, the character actually transmigrates into each of his past lives and lives through them. You could dedicate multiple chapters—10, 20, or even more—to explore those experiences in detail, introducing new characters and meaningful interactions. It would add layers of depth to the story and make it feel richer and more engaging.
This way, readers wouldn’t just be told about his growth—they’d see it firsthand and connect with it emotionally. It avoids the common pitfall where protagonists gain knowledge, strength, or experience without the audience getting the chance to feel it happen. By making this change, you could add that much-needed uniqueness and make the story even more compelling.
So far, after reading the first seven chapters, I can already tell you’ve got something great. Your writing style feels immersive and really enjoyable, and I like how you’ve approached things so far. That said, one thing that caught my attention was the use of all capitals during intense or yelling scenes. It’s not necessarily bad, but it can pull readers out of the story if it’s overused. Instead of relying on all caps to convey emotion, you could describe what’s happening in more depth.
Here’s an example of what I mean:
“Aghhh [Name] yelled while pain was shooting through his body as he felt him being stabbed with a sword. He fell to the ground, feeling the warm blood flowing out of his body as it left him light-headed. His vision was blurred, and he could only hear the clang of swords.
‘Hey kid! Can you hear me? Hang in there!’ a voice said as he felt someone touch him. He opened his mouth to talk, but no words would come out.
‘I am going to pick you up now,’ the voice said.
He could feel the person wrap his arms around him as they picked him up. His world went black as he passed out.”
This kind of detail makes the scene more immersive and relatable, helping readers feel like they’re right there with the characters. Instead of just seeing “he yelled” in all caps, this approach shows his pain and struggle, which helps build emotional connections.
I’m also not saying you need to completely change your concept—it’s good! I just think adding your unique touch could elevate it even further. You already have a great writing style and immersive world-building, but with a few tweaks, your story could go from good to incredible. Keep it up! You’re on the right path, and I’m really looking forward to seeing how the story develops.
At the end of the day, what you really need to focus on is making the story unique. I get the formula and the basic premise, and I’ve read a lot of stories with similar structures. But there’s so much potential for uniqueness you can add. For example, rather than just summarizing the protagonist’s life experiences, you could make it more immersive by having him actually live those lives, transmigrating into each one, and experiencing them firsthand. Then, when he dies, he gets brought back to his body. This approach would add a layer of depth and make the story more engaging.
You can introduce new characters, create interactions, and build the world in a way that feels more alive and dynamic. Instead of just summarizing events, you can give readers a chance to truly experience them with the character. Constantly summarizing past lives can get repetitive and stale, especially when it becomes the central focus of the story. If you keep bringing it up over and over again, it loses its impact and starts to feel boring.
By adding more detail and making the experience more immersive, you can make the story far more enjoyable and keep readers hooked.
Because at the end of the day, what really matters is making the story unique. I get the formula and the basic premise, and I’ve read plenty of stories with similar structures. But there’s a lot of potential to make it stand out. For example, rather than just summarizing the protagonist’s past lives, you could make it more immersive by having him actually live those lives—transmigrating into them and experiencing everything firsthand. Then, when he dies, he could be brought back to his body. This approach would add depth and create a more engaging story.
You could also introduce new characters, build interactions, and flesh out the world in a way that feels alive and dynamic. Instead of just summarizing events, you’d be giving readers the chance to experience them directly alongside the protagonist. Constantly summarizing past lives can get repetitive and stale, especially if it’s a central theme. If it keeps coming up over and over again, it loses its impact and starts to feel boring.
By adding more detail and immersing the readers in the experience, you can make the story much more enjoyable and keep them hooked. I hope this helps, and feel free to use any of the examples or suggestions above, as they are not copyrighted and were made by me on the spot.
“Agh, do I really have to do all this paperwork?” thought Ashia as she skimmed over a few pages and realized the report was actually an official request to transfer Ashia from the royal guards to the army.
“This is… this is ridiculous! The royal guards are the most elite in the country, and yet they’re trying to transfer me to the army?!” exclaimed Ashia.
Ashia was the 14th princess of the country and was being treated like a common soldier. Her brother, the crown prince, had a huge inferiority complex about her because she was stronger than him.
“Tch! I’m so tired of this! If they want me in the army, fine! But it’s not like I’m gonna go out of my way to be some foot soldier. I’m gonna be the best damn general they’ve ever seen!” Ashia’s face was red with rage. She’d show them!
Explanation:
By showing Ashia’s internal dialogue and adding physical descriptions of her reactions, like her face turning red with rage, the scene becomes more immersive. Rather than just stating her feelings or using all caps to express her anger, these descriptive elements invite the reader to experience her emotions more vividly. The use of her thoughts (in italics) as well as her external reactions lets readers step into her shoes and feel the weight of her frustration, allowing for a deeper connection with the character.
This approach engages readers more than simply telling them what’s happening or how the character feels. It creates a richer, more dynamic experience that pulls them into the world and makes the character’s journey feel real.
Anything above or below what I’ve shared here is not copyrighted, so feel free to use it however you like—to expand your knowledge, refine your writing style, or anything else. I was simply offering an example to help improve your writing because I genuinely enjoyed the story. I read up to about 25 chapters, and I noticed that while the immersiveness is really strong in some parts, it can sometimes feel like it fades away, making me feel disconnected from the experience. That’s the impression I got, and I think this is an area where you could enhance the consistency. Overall, it’s a great story with a solid concept, and I’m excited to see how it develops..
One more thing
Also, something I’ve noticed—here’s an example from Chapter 14. You often use ‘yo’ followed by a straight line, like ‘yo—’ or something similar. I get what you’re trying to convey, but I think it might be smoother and more readable if you use ‘yo…’ instead. The ellipsis gives it a more natural pause and makes it easier for the reader to follow. Just a personal opinion, though—you don’t have to change it if you don’t want to.
Another thing I noticed is when you write something like ‘glowing like a bomb,’ it might be more impactful if you describe the glow in more detail. Instead of just saying ‘glowing like a bomb,’ consider giving us a more vivid image. For example:
[Original]
“I AM AGHHHH” Alex yelled as he soared in the air, glowing like a bomb that was exploding. Red dots swirled beside his mouth making him look possessed.
This display created a huge light show, shattering nearby wooden windows.
[Example]
“I am Aghhhhh!” Alex yelled as he soared through the air, glowing like a bomb that was about to explode. Red dots of light appeared all over his body, spreading out in every direction. The red glow intensified with each passing second, growing until it formed a massive fireball. The fireball engulfed everything around it before launching toward the sky at a blinding speed. It wasn’t just the flames that were intense; the heat radiating from them forced people to shield themselves or flee in terror from the sudden onslaught. The fire continued to surge upward, leaving nothing behind but a charred, desolate wasteland. At last, after what felt like an eternity, the fire vanished.”
This version gives a clearer picture of the intensity and visual impact of the scene, immersing the reader more effectively.”
These are just example on how the impressiveness could be improved should the reader can feel immersed in the story more easier…
I’ll give you extra points for the exceptional job you’ve done in capturing the character’s internal pondering and explaining their actions in specific situations. You’ve done an outstanding job in that regard, which I really appreciate. It’s a great starting point. Instead of using “pondered” all the time, you might want to try varying your vocabulary with words like “thought,” “wondered,” or “questioned.” This can help diversify your writing. “Thought” is the most common and straightforward choice, as readers will instantly recognize it, but it’s entirely up to you.
Another thing I really liked is the level of detail you provided in your explanations. It’s clear that you’ve put in the effort to describe things well. However, the immersiveness is where the story could improve. If you focus on enhancing that aspect, it could elevate your novel from “good” to “amazing.” The detail is there, but the reader needs to feel more connected to the scene. That’s the key improvement I’d suggest.
Additionally, I feel like the story could benefit from more uniqueness. It seems like you’re drawing from ideas you’ve encountered elsewhere, which is fine, but try adding your own spin to it. Think about how you can bring something new to the table, rather than following a formula too closely. While you’re not directly copying, it feels like you’re following a familiar path without injecting your own originality. As a new writer, I’d recommend creating an outline, but don’t be afraid to veer from it. As you progress, add your own twist to the story and make it uniquely yours. It’s a good way to start, and many writers do this. Keep one or two arcs or chapters ahead in your outline, and use it as a guide while incorporating your creativity.
In summary, what I feel is lacking is the sense of uniqueness, which can make the story feel a little too familiar. It’s a good read, but with a bit more originality, it could become something truly exceptional. Keep working on it—you’re doing great!
