Micchi, Chiba-ken no Jou

My final opponent is knocked against the wall with his teeth scattering onto the unconscious bodies of his gang members. With blood dripping down his lips, he crawls to the prostrating position before me.

"Hey, hey. Don't dogeza your way out of this. You're the ones who wanted a go. Sacchan hasn't gotten a home run with your molars yet," I say, winding up my wooden bat for another swing.

"We give up… you win!"

The other thugs come to consciousness on cue and prostrate themselves as well.

"Right, then. Let me hear a proper beg."

"PLEASE, SPARE OUR LIVES." They all scream at the top of their lungs.

"Hah? Who do you want sparing your life?" I say, tapping the bat against the ground.

"Queen Micchi, we beg you to spare our lives!"

"That's more like it. Someone give me a seat." I snap my finger, and one of them immediately crawls behind me to be my seat.

With Yodo High subjugated, that makes all of Chiba under my reign. Maybe I should start creeping into Yui's territory in Saitama prefecture. That nunchaku bitch has got some nerve sending a bunch of goons at me last week.

I reach into my pocket for a pack of cigarettes, but nothing comes out except for a piece of lint.

"Well, shit. There goes my mood—"

Three hands each clutching their own pack of smokes shoot up to my face. I snatch all three of them and stuff one cigarette into my mouth, stowing the packs into my pocket. As soon as I do, another hand comes forward with a lighter.

"Whew…" I take a long drag and immediately feel ten times more relaxed.

"Is, uh… is there anything else, Queen Micchi?" The one whose front teeth has been knocked clean off asks. Now that I get a good look at him, he would've been a looker if I hadn't bashed them away.

"First, put a facemask on. Your ugly mug is giving me a headache."

The guy pulls his shirt collar up to hide his mouth.

"Second, how much money do you guys have?"

Everyone looks at each other, hesitating to reveal what's in their pocket.

"I. Asked. A. Question."

In seconds, a pile of coins and bills are tossed to my feet. At a glance, there is about 30,000 yen in total. Not a bad haul.

I blow another puff into the air and check my phone. Nothing but messages from the other guys in Chiba reporting their status. Everything seems fine, and the bitches from the other prefectures haven't made another move on Chiba today.

I notice from the reflection in the phone screen that my eyeliner got smudged. It must have happened during the scuffle. It only takes a minute to wipe it away and reapply the ink. Even with my phone's front-facing camera, it's difficult to know if I really fixed it. Too grainy to tell.

"Hey, Toothless. How do I look?" I gesture to my face.

"Uhh. You look cute?"

"Just cute, huh..." I slip the eyeliner back into my bag and reach for Sacchan.

"Er, I mean. Queen Micchi looks REALLY CUTE!"

"What does everyone else think," I ask the crowd.

Everyone begins chanting, "Queen Micchi looks really cute!"

Even though I was the one who asked it, the constant compliments are getting embarrassing. "That's enough!"

They immediately shut their mouths. I can still hear their words echoing in my head.

I clear my throat and ask, "alright, are any good curry restaurants nearby?"

"Kamen Curry is the closeby, and they have a 4.5/5 star rating online," a disembodied voice speaks to me from out of nowhere.

"Who said that?"

"D-Down here, Queen Micchi…"

The human seat speaks to me from below. I shift my weight to his shoulder and lean over. Sweat is beading all over his face, and his arms are struggling to stay propped up.

I'm not that heavy, am I?

"You been there before?" I ask, blowing smoke in his face.

"Cough! A few times... it's a little on the expensive side, but I can vouch that the curry is delicious."

"Do they have pickled radish?"

"What's that— aahh!!"

I grind my elbow into the small of his back, causing him to squirm in agony. He's doing everything he can not to fall flat on the ground.

"How can you vouch that the curry is good if you don't even know what pickled radish is. Haahh?"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I never ask for that. I don't even know what it is!"

I stop torturing the poor fool to let him breathe.

"Tch. It's that cut up pinkish red-looking stuff that tastes sweet and spicy," I explain to the best of my memory.

"Uhh, yeah. I think I've seen that on people's tables before," he says between sobs.

"Good. To Kamen Curry, we go." I scoop the money into a jacket I find from the ground and sling it over my shoulder. "Take me there."

Four guys fly in front of me and form a throne with their arms linked together.

"As if I'm going to sit on that and give you a chance to grope my ass."

"But how are we going to carry you there?"

I stomp my foot on the human seat with enough force to smash him to the ground. "I never asked to be carried. You'll all pave the way with your bodies instead."

"EH??"

One by one they start laying themselves on the sidewalk. As I step over each body, the last one in line races to the front to lay himself down to continue the line. A human sidewalk chain forms all the way from Yodo High to Kamen Curry.

We're almost to the curry house when I see someone thrown out of the restaurant. The man has a distinct rod-shaped bruise on his face.

"If you ever think to look in my direction again, I'll— Oh, my! Is that Micchi?"

A shrill voice calls to me from inside Kamen Curry. An annoying and pitchy voice that I recognize all too well.

"Yui… and I was looking forward to eating tonkatsu curry with a fat side dish of pickled radish. Seeing your blonde shit-tails just made me lose my appetite," I hop off of my human sidewalk.

"Everyone! Protect Queen Micchi with your—"

My new groupies come to my defense, but once they see who they're up against, they flee in panic.

"It's… It's the Lion of Saitama— RRUUUNNN!!"

Yui's stupid princess laugh is so loud it makes my ears bleed. Truly befitting of a lion's roar, if not a dying seal's crying.

"Your friends ran away. Shouldn't you go after them?" She emerges from the restaurant, wiping the curry from her lips.

"I'll deal with 'em later. Looks like I got bigger fish to fry," I wind Sacchan back and swing. "Where would you like me to bash you first?"

"Aw, it's always right to fighting with you. Can't we just talk?"

"Fat chance!" I take the first swing. There's an impact, and I swear my bat made contact with her face. However, the rattling chains of her nunchucks tell me that I didn't quite hit the target.

Yui wraps the chains between her nunchucks around the tip of the bat and yanks me forward. A rosy knee smashes into my stomach. I let go of my bat to grab her leg, and throw her into a utility pole. She crashes hard, causing the base of the wooden pole to crack and splinter.

I pick up my bat and brush the dirt from the shaft. "Sorry for dropping ya, Sacchan. I'll make it up to you with the Saitama bitch's face."

"Always… talking to that stupid bat. How about you make some real friends, freak?"

Yui charges at me, launching a flurry of blows. Each strike seems to get faster and faster, and the longer I'm on the defensive, the more I end up getting battered. Her nunchucks wrap around my bat again, but I sweep her legs out from under her.

She falls back, and I pin her to the ground. Her legs clamp around my waist like she's trying to play out some perverted sex position with me.

"I've got you beat," I declare.

"Iyaahh… I've been defeated. Whatever shall I do?" Yui isn't fazed about being beaten. But with our weapons stuck on each other, there's no way we can get out of this stalemate. Fortunately for me, I still have my fist—

A deafening crack assaults my ears followed by a shadow growing larger around me. The both of us look up too late to see the electrical pole.

***

My body jolts awake.

All around me I see fields of grass, mountains in the far distance, and small critters darting just out of my peripherals.

"Where the hell…? I was about to beat the shit out of Yui, and now…"

Nothing about this place looks like the Japan I know. Especially those floating mountains in the sky. This definitely isn't Japan.

"What the fuck happened— wait, Sacchan?"

My panic subsides when I feel the smooth handle of the bat in my hands.

"Grrr…"

I whip around to a loud grunting behind me. It sounded like a pig or cow, but what I see is something much larger. A hulking boar the size of a car with tusks bigger than my arms, stomps at the dirt. It looks me right in the eye, ready to gore me.

That isn't something I can outrun. Do I even have the strength to fight that thing?

"RRuuooooo!!!"

Without giving me another moment to think, it charges at full speed.

"If I can't run…"

I clench my hands around the bat and wind up for the moment of truth. As it gets closer, the ground begins to tremble with greater intensity.

"Then I'll just have to score a homerun! Ooooraaaahhh!"

Everything seems to slow down, and I can visualize the moment of my attack. I swing with all my might. The bat connects with the boar head-first, and I feel its skull shattering on impact. As if it were an actual baseball, the boar launches into the air, squealing its final words.

As the boar soars across the sky, a single thought crosses my mind. "Fuck. I could really go for some tonkatsu curry…"