The Love for her Mother

Night had fallen. Her mother had finished all the household chores and they had just finished eating dinner, consisting of fried rice and sinigang1.

The food was delicious and the company of her mother made her night more comfortable, especially when she had been tucked into bed with a song and a kiss on the forehead. At this point in the day, she would have easily drifted off to sleep when her mother turned the lamp by her small bed off, yet she was restless.

Before her mother could leave the room, she called out to her. "Ma?"

Erika's mother paused by the archway, taking a deep and shaky breath before she turned to face her daughter with a tired smile. From the look in her eyes, Erika had a feeling that her mother already knew what she was going to ask and willingly took the place by her bedside again.

"That man..." She trailed off as she thought about her next words carefully, the subject was sensitive. Even more so after what had happened earlier. "Is he dangerous?"

Now came the difficult part for Amanda that Erika knew of. She would either lie to her daughter or tell her the truth. However, she was determined to keep Erika in the dark for the meantime and softly replied, "You'll understand once you're older."

Erika frowned, "Ma..."

"You're still too young, Erika. This is an adult problem that Mama will deal with on her own. You shouldn't worry yourself about these things," She said patiently, her eyes searching for understanding in Erika's. "The only thing you should be worrying about is growing up healthy and happy."

She booped Erika's nose, trying to lighten up the mood. It did work on making Erika giggle, but it was clear in her eyes that she had more to say about the situation.

Instead of shutting her daughter down, Amanda waited patiently for her reply. If it was so important that Erika felt the need to address it in the first place, then she would listen. Her daughter's troubled frown was enough to convince her otherwise.

Erika opened and closed her mouth multiple times as she gathered her thoughts before a realization dawned on her along with the tears that pooled at the corner of her eyes.

"But, Ma... you don't have to be alone."

Confused, Amanda remained quiet, urging Erika to continue what she wanted to say.

"Sure you can go and deal with some stuff that you can't tell me, but you don't have to go through it alone." Erika reached forward, her palm touching the spot just above Amanda's breath and over the steady beat of her heart, "You don't have to go through with everything alone in here."

"..."

Erika translated her silence as confusion and she struggled to find the right words to help her mother understand what she wanted to address. "I know my Mama is strong. That's one of the reasons why I think you're so awesome, but... You don't have to be strong all of the time."

"Erika.."

Erika cut her off before she could say anything else, the tone of her mother's voice making her panic that her mother was going to convince her of her ideals otherwise. She needed to be heard. "You don't, Ma! You don't have to be strong because... I know that you are strong, even through your tears. I... remember everything since I was a baby. You can stop being strong in front of me when you don't feel strong at all, and  we can talk. And... and I'll listen because you're my Ma and-"

Amanda suddenly pulled her in a tight hug. Erika didn't realize it but her mother had begun crying halfway through her speech. Emotions swelled up her chest as she felt a great sense of relief when she heard her daughter's kind words.

She wasn't the best mother, far from it. Her flaws regarding it were used against her in the discussion she and her husband earlier. She was reckless and prideful in front of a crowd, too caught up in her morals to account for a child in such situations.

Amanda wasn't the mom that Erika deserved, she knew that every time she was blessed by her unrestrained laughter or her blinding smile. She was everything that she could ever ask for in a child and more; Over the years, Erika had become her hope for the world's future. Everything in her life will somehow turn out alright because she has her daughter by her side to smile and make all the bad things go away.

She doesn't know how to respond to all these emotions that suddenly build up as she listens to her daughter's words. She had a really hard time processing them, and the more she listened the more she drowned in the pure care her daughter had for her.

So without another word, she hugged her. The mother hugged her daughter tightly as she poured in all the love and appreciation she had for the little girl.

She never thought she would find her will to live in such a tiny body back then. Erika was so small and cried to her heart's content when she was just born. Amanda could have never guessed that her main source of comfort and love would come from a weak and noisy lump of flesh that she pushed out of her womb. Yet despite that, she wouldn't have it any other way.

She's thankful to Erika. Her bright nature and her amazing sense of humor got her to find something new to cling to the life she had wished to end not too long prior.

"Why are you crying, Ma..?"

Amanda pulled away and cupped her daughter's cheek lovingly. She stared into a reflection of her own eyes in her daughter's, those rubies shining like gems under the moon with their tears streaking down her cute cheeks. "You just said something that made Mama incredibly happy."

Despite feeling bad for making her mother cry, Erika still managed to laugh a little, "That's good to know." She paused for a moment, thinking to herself as she tried to remember the word for what she was about to say. It didn't take long to find it though, her little daughter was a smart one, "I'm also happy to finally comfort Mama when she cries."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. The stone that tore down the dam. Amanda didn't hold herself back and finally let it all out. The stress of being a single mother, of leaving her dream job early for a man who stopped loving her as soon as he found out about her pregnancy, of her broken relationship with the rest of her family.

She was all alone before Erika was born, in an empty home that once brought her so much joy. She was so alone.

"What did I do to deserve you..?" She brokenly sobbed.

Erika also started sobbing, her empathic nature reciprocating the feelings her mother must be feeling. "I don't know, Ma... All I wanted was to love you as much as you loved me when I was born."

"You sweet little thing..."

Bad memories resurfaced in Erika, blurred yet still prominent in the sharp pang that it gave in her heart. That lonely feeling of abandonment haunted her as it did in her time in the void. She held her concerns in and decided to instead focus on the amount of warmth her mother was giving her in their current hug.

Amanda may not be the mother Erika deserved, but she was the mother that Erika needed.