Ch 23 Unhidden Secrets

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"So, I'm thinking of asking Remus if he'll want to do anything over the summer." Sitting on her bed, Sabrina had a bright grin on her face, not noticing Lily's bored expression as she prattled on about her summer plans. "Milan or Paris would be nice and normal, but I'm actually thinking about heading out to Japan for once. I haven't been there yet, you know, and it should be a lot happier down there without any of those Death Eater problems."

"Mmm," replied Lily, eyes fixed on Sabrina but quite unseeing. Trying to change the topic to something other than Remus (who seemed to have replaced James on her list of 'men I shall utter inanely about') or things she couldn't even imagine affording, she said, "Death Eater problems? I haven't heard about those in a while..."

"Yeah, dad says that this Summer's supposed to be a real big thing with them or something, calling for a temporary ban on Muggleborns attending Hogwarts to deal with the 'problem'. There've also been a couple disappearances, mostly high-profile Muggleborns." Sabrina rolled her eyes, shrugging. "Anyway, dad also said that he'd rather if I stayed nice and far away, and what could be farther away than Japan? Do you think Remus would like to see me in a kimono, you know, one of those Japanese dresses?" She paused, smirking down at her chest, before returning her attention to Lily, speaking in a confiding tone, "He likes when I wear my blue lace bra and knickers, says it brings out my eyes. Isn't he sweet?"

"Uh...maybe?" Lily winced, trying to not think about why he would be seeing said undergarments. The two of them seemed to be going way too fast, considering that Sabrina had yet to actually call him her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, Lily asked, "Are things going well with him?"

"Oh, yesss..." Sabrina almost purred, closing her eyes happily. "It's so fascinating talking to him, you know. He's smart, real smart, although not about Potions, and he has this sexy, serious demeanor. Plus, he knows all sorts of things that you wouldn't expect, like how to cook and clean, and gives the most amazing massages ever."

"So, I guess the two of you are together, then?"

Sabrina frowned, looking out the window. "I guess you could say that."

"You guess?"

"It's...complicated." Sabrina sighed, then chuckled. "So, how about you?"

Lily blinked. "Me?"

Sabrina turned around with a smirk. "Yeah, do you have anyone you're interested in? Come on, tell me!"

Lily's eyebrows rose. "Um, I think I told you earlier this week, thank you. Severus, remember?"

Sabrina waved it away, rolling her eyes. "I mean real boyfriend material, not Snape. I mean, sure you were confused after that little snog session of yours, but you were drunk. Besides, he said 'no' anyway."

Lily ground her teeth, wondering why Mary had told the other girl about this. "Just because he said 'no', doesn't mean I'm interested in someone else. I'm not Evelyn, thank you. And what's wrong with Sev anyway, as a boyfriend I mean? He's honest, caring and loyal."

"You've just described a dog," replied Sabrina flatly. "Besides, he's ugly, way too skinny, couldn't tell a joke if his life depended on it, and never smiles. Beyond that, he's friends with sluts and Death Eaters. Beyond that, he's poor, with a mum who killed herself, possibly because she hated him. How can you honestly say that that makes an appealing boyfriend?"

There was a moment of silence, during which Lily found herself strongly desiring to hex the girl into the hospital wing for that crack about Severus' mother. It was only because they had been friends for so long that she stayed her friend, instead saying coldly, "Well, I happen to find him very handsome, he is funny sometimes, and you wouldn't know that because you never talk to him, do you? And as for the rest of it..."

Lily took a deep breath as she prepared to start shouting, when Sabrina interrupted, her voice soft, "And does any of that matter, Lily? He said that he wasn't interested, so what does it matter what he's like? He. Isn't. Going. To. Date. You. You're better off hating him, it sure beats pining over him." A flash of pain crossed the blonde's eyes, and Lily remembered the other girl's unreciprocated feelings for James.

Lily opened her mouth, but couldn't come up with a strong retort, not in the face of the pitying look in her friend's eyes. Turning away, she muttered, "Well, maybe I'll just be stupid then."

The next day wasn't much better; although at least no-one else seemed to have found out about her being rejected-apparently, it was just Sabrina that had been told, although she didn't expect it to hold true for long given how much the girl loved to gossip. Regardless, she felt as if she were walking on pins and needles all day long.

She wasn't the only one acting odd though-Severus seemed to be acting odd too, although given how closed-in he was, Lily couldn't be entirely sure. It only contributed to her feelings of discomfort though, so she was quite glad when Remus pulled her aside to speak with her before Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"Hey, Lily..." He seemed to stumble over his own thoughts. "Uh...can we talk about this in private?" He didn't look at Severus, but Lily noticed the annoyed look in the boy's expression.

"Two prefects being late to class would be a very bad idea," stated Severus, his voice quite frosty.

Lily knew he was right, but right then...she couldn't find herself caring all that much. She just felt too awkward dealing with him right now, so she shrugged. "Shouldn't take more than a couple of minutes, Sev. I'm sure Remus knows perfectly well how much time we have."

"I'll save you a seat, I guess," muttered Severus, merely giving Remus another cold look before striding into the class.

Allowing Remus to lead her out of earshot of the rest of the students, Lily then asked, "Well?"

"Uh..." Remus gave her an odd look, then continued, "...what's going on between you and Severus, Lily?"

"What?"

Remus gave her another look, this one rather reproving. Taking a deep breath, he spoke in a voice that suggested that he wanted to appear calm rather than actually being calm,"I don't know what you thought when you said to James that you might want to go across Europe with him...but if you didn't realize it was an attempt to court you, you are really quite naive. How do you think he felt to see you making out with another guy that very same evening?"

"Just great..." Lily shook her head, already regretting allowing her fellow Gryffindor to talk to her. Crossing her arms, she gave him an annoyed, impatient glare. "Well, if you must know, I was drunk out of my mind by about that point. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly."

Remus blinked, then smirked, seeming amused. "You made out with Severus...while you were drunk?"

Lily barely suppressed a growl. "Yes I did, thank you very much."

"I see..." Remus' lips twitched. "Alright then, never mind about that."

Lily gave a non-committal shake of the head, really not wanting to discuss this topic with anyone else. "You won't tell anyone about this, alright, Remus? I'd really not like to have half the school bothering me about it."

Remus frowned, but shrugged nonetheless as he replied, "Alright, sounds fine. We should be getting back to class anyway, I think."

Lily smirked, a thought striking her. Deciding to turn the tables on her fellow Gryffindor, she changed the subject. "Alright...but I wanted to ask you how things are going with Sabrina. She seems quite taken with you, after all."

Remus' face went scarlet, but Lily could see a note of pleasure in his eyes even as he said vaguely, "She does, does she?"

"Hmm..." Lily paused momentarily. "Yeah, she is. Very much so."

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. I've been meaning to..."

Continuing to chatter, they walked back, nearly tripping over Mary as they walked into the room, arriving several minutes late. She winced as she noticed the other girl's limping afterward, and was about to apologize when Severus muttered something, causing a jet of white light to zap. Turning, Mary quirked a smile in Severus' direction, who merely shrugged noncommittally.

Lily was soon lost in thought at this new turn of events. Even Evelyn's continual glancing at him couldn't ruin the smile on her face...

...although it did mean she would have to do something about it. This was getting quite out of hand.

Later that same day, Lily found herself in the dungeon by the Potions classroom, for once neither for Severus nor for class. She had finally decided that enough was enough with Evelyn, as clearly her harassment of Severus was getting out of hand. As such, she planned to handle this maturely-by having one of the teachers put a stop to it, and who better than Professor Horace Slughorn, the man who had assigned her in the first place?

However, when she arrived, she wasn't the only person there... Madam Pomfrey was there talking to the portly old man. Waiting for the two of them to finish, Lily soon found herself listening more intently, the topic of the conversation proving rather alarming.

"...Horace, I'm very concerned about him. There have been several occasions where he had broken bones, one time even having to crawl to the Hospital Wing. However, with his denial..."

In contrast to his normal, easygoing demeanor, Slughorn seemed quite concerned. "Hmm, he is a rather proud fellow...is there any way to prove it without his help? I mean, multiple trips to the hospital wing these past few weeks...surely there's something?"

Lily gasped, one hand covering her month.

"I'm afraid...wait, what's that?" Pomfrey seemed to have overheard her, throwing the door open to reveal Lily wincing, embarrassed and concerned simultaneously. "Miss Evans," barked the mediwitch, scandalized. "This was a private conversation between staff members about a student. You're a prefect; you should be showing a good example to the students, not eavesdropping!"

"I'm sorry! I just...I didn't hear much..." Lily babbled, ashamed. "I just wanted to talk to Professor Slughorn about a...a problem with another student. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, really!"

"A problem, Miss Evans?" Professor Slughorn raised an eyebrow, curiosity in his voice as he asked, "Is there someone bothering you?"

"Well, not me, exactly. It's Severus... Evelyn's trying to blackmail him in regards to her tutoring, and after she humiliated him earlier this term! She said that he had to do it or he wouldn't get paid much for his work, and he can't really afford it, what with his family situation-"

"Miss Evans," interrupted Slughorn, a somewhat strange look on his face as he eyed her. "I already spoke to Severus on this matter, and worry not, he doesn't need to finish tutoring her for the semester."

"Good, but..." Lily bit her lip, flustered as she tried to figure out how to say what she wanted. "Is there any way to...make it so she won't bother him anymore? Because she's harassing him all the time, and he's miserable. Could you get her to leave him alone, Professor? I just wish she'd stop it!"

"What sort of harassment, Miss Evans?" asked Madam Pomfrey, a frown on her face.

"Well...she's watching him all the time, and whenever she talks to him, he just looks so hurt afterward..." Lily bit her lip, trying to think of something else. Just the thought of that dratted woman made her so angry. "She doesn't care that he wants her to leave him alone, she just wants him to be her blasted tutor!"

"I see," sighed Slughorn, looking rather tired. "Miss Evans, I'm afraid that even if I could do something about it, my hands are bound unless Severus asks me himself or it can be proven a...what was the term? Oh, yes, a 'clear and present danger'. From what you're telling me, it sounds like they had a little tiff and they just need some time to sort it out."

Lily's anger got the better of her. "A little tiff? A little tiff? She said that it was his fault his mother died! He's a laughingstock thanks to her, and you say it's a tiff! She should be...I don't know, suspended. If not that, at least have the moral decency to make her leave him alone!"

"Miss Evans!" barked Madam Pomfrey, glaring at the green-eyed girl. "From what we've heard, both from you and others, it sounds as if it was no more or less than a particularly-bad fight between two good friends. It's hardly something worthy of a suspension!"

"But-"

"Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a situation here that is a real problem, involving your fellow classmates. I'm afraid we don't have time to get bogged down in a squabble!" With that, she stormed inside Horace's office, slamming the door behind her.

Lily turned to Slughorn, who had a rather disappointed look on his face. "Professor, I-"

He interrupted her, forcing a sad smile as he spoke, "Miss Evans, I understand the desire to help your friend, but I would have thought that you had gained the ability to distinguish between someone acting out of malice and someone hurt and lashing out, especially given the situations between this situation and the one you had with your friend Severus last year."

Lily crossed her arms, gritting her teeth in frustration. "That was completely different."

Slughorn sighed. "I'm afraid I disagree." And with that, he opened the door to his office once more and vanished inside.

Having little choice in the matter, Lily turned...only to see a most surprising sight: an owl flying over to her, holding a letter as it landed gracefully before her. Apparently, Perseus had finally decided to reply...

Dear Medusa,

I apologize for taking so long with my response, but I've been rather...distracted of late, due to circumstances I hadn't foreseen.

As for my mother's suicide, I appreciate your support, but no matter what you or I think of the matter, the facts are the facts. She was my responsibility, and I wasn't enough to keep her from wanting to kill herself. Thus, as much as you may want to assuage my feelings, I am at fault in the matter. My father may share the blame for how he treated her, but I failed as well, and that is something I will have to live with.

Besides...I have other problems to deal put it simply, I had been trying to become a Death Eater for a good couple of years now. Yes, I know they hate Muggleborns, but I'm not interested in them for that, so much as I'm interested in the respect and opportunities available from becoming one.

Recently, though, they came to the conclusion that I was an embarrassment to the cause and abandoned me. However, one of them told me that they would be willing to reconsider, and have me rejoin them was only one condition: I would have to abandon my Muggleborn best friend, as a show of faith.

My friend's been loyal to me even while the rest of the school hates me, and even now that my other friend betrayed me, I can tell that she hasn't even considered giving up on me, not anymore. I can see it in her eyes... More than that, I've had this...crush on her for years now, I suppose, and there are times...well, you get the idea

In any story you've read, the answer would be obvious: you choose the girl and the friend over your ambition and end up happy in the end. I did so, and yet...I'm not sure I made the right choice after all. I feel like...maybe I was wrong.

You see, I spent so much time trying to get them to accept me into their group, calling all Muggleborns Mudbloods, becoming a veritable parrot of Death Eater thought, because they were the only ones who would accept me, give me a future...and now all of it has proven a great waste. Years of my life are now gone and now what do I have? A girl who I'm crushing on, that's all.

I have nothing else, my father left almost as soon as my mother passed away, and my mother's dead. My other friend has deserted me, and everyone at school now knows that I'm responsible for my mum's death. It's like I had one final chance, and I blew it.

I don't know what to do; can you help me?

Your friend,

Perseus

The next day, Lily watched Severus, her head propped on the palm of her right hand. He was sitting alone, off to the side of the Slytherin table, when her owl flew down and dropped its letter on his lap. She bit her lip as he started to read.

Dear Perseus,

I'm sorry about what happened with your Death Eater 'friends', but it really was for the best in my opinion. Those stories...they aren't stories because they were wrong. It may hurt right now, it may make you feel like you are a right chump, but I'm SURE that in the end you will be much happier that you made this choice than if you made the alternative.

Why is that? Because although there are thousands of stories where someone chooses a friend over...stuff, I can't think of that many where they chose the opposite and decided, years in the future, that they were GLAD they made their choice.

Perseus, in the end, if that person is really your friend and is important to you as you say she is, then I can't even imagine that you will regret making the decision you made.

Just take a deep breath, think of all the reasons you value this person's friendship, and ask yourself if you'd rather have the opportunities and prestige, or her by your side. It's as simple as that. Those years that you spent ignoring your conscience, pretending to be something you're not, they'll be lost to you whatever you choose, so why not make the decision that makes you happy?

As for the part about your mother...

I'm afraid that I simply can't agree with your opinion of her death. It was your mother's decision, not yours, and whatever you did or didn't do it is she who chose to die. You didn't choose for her.

More than that though, you focus so much about your 'responsibility'. Well, it's not your responsibility to take care of her, it's HER responsibility to take care of herself and YOU!

I'm sorry she died and I know you must feel awful, but it wasn't, and it never will be you who was responsible for her choices.

You need to realize that if you ever want to be happy.

Your friend,

Medusa

As Severus laid down the letter, ignoring the plate of food in front of him, Lily wondered what was going on in his head. Would he forgive himself for what his mother did? Would he understand that far from making an error, he had made the best decision of his life by avoiding the Death Eaters?

She hoped so, and had some questions of her own too. There were parts of his letter that she didn't understand, the meaning uncertain. He had originally chosen to give up on the Death Eaters of his own free will...hadn't he? So why had he been so conflicted about it when they told him he had to give her up to be with them? And what opportunities could he be talking about? What were they offering him that had meant so much to him?

Lily shook her head. Now wasn't the time to go asking him about that.

Soon, she knew she would have to talk to him about the other things he had said in that letter, but for now she would just wait-

Severus gave her a quizzical look, and she immediately turned away, face flushing in embarrassment at having been caught.

'A girl who I'm crushing on...'

Lily barely stopped herself from emitting a nervous giggle. There was a lot she would have to ask him about, but few things she was looking so much forward to discussing.