"Let me be your sunlight and hope, Audrey." "Hope? Sunlight? Hudson, the sunlight I see has no light and there was never a sun in the light I see." Hudson looked at her, "I want to be with you, Audrey. What am I supposed to do if you leave me here alone?" Audrey shook her head in bitterness, "Shut it. Don't make me hope..." "I am doing that now." "So, stop it! Hudson, you already know what is happening. Stop being a kid and accept!" Audrey yelled at him, having snapped her patience. Hudson's eyes slightly widened as he gulped from shock. "Audrey...." "Hudson, stop making me think there is a hope. You can clearly witness how wretched my situation is." "And I will never let you go, Audrey." *** “Miss Audrey Bella Catalina, died at 09:43 PM, Tuesday night.” The doctor bowed his head and deep sighs flew from his mouth. Hudson's body trembled and weakened at an instant. He held her hand and it was the first and the last time he ever held the hand of his beloved. === Author's Note: Don't forget to check my two other books! AFTER I TOOK OFF MY TIARA - COMPLETED MASKS TO UNVEIL!- COMPLETED
LATER IN YEARS OF TIME
PROLOGUE: A Hopeless Hope
There was someone who wished she never lived. Someone she dreamt she was a different person, with the same state as others. Just like them, she wouldn't have any difficulty talking, interacting, and making friends. For her, those are things she never understood.
Was it because she isolated herself from anyone? Was it because it was her fault for having this kind of situation? She never liked this kind of life. She always contemplated ending her life to end this endless suffering.
It was not another reason for her to remain to alive. Notwithstanding all that happened, there was still one person she couldn't forget.
A person that showed her the beautiful colors of the world. A person who never stopped making her fall in love. It made her believe that there was hope in life. That there was hope in everything, that they could be together if she just endures as much as he does for her.
But whatever she does to make the situation better, it only gets worse and worse, until she feels like giving up completely. No one had ever told her that love was this sad. Was it this weak and fragile? Was it this strong, she wanted to hold onto it and not let go. There were many things she wanted to keep on doing but she couldn't.
Inhaling out, she knew she couldn't bear to know the answer. The answers lie in her hands. She knew and will never forget why she was like this in the first place.
Love? It ought not to come to her. It was presumed to stay away from her, but her heart demanded it to approach her. It wasn't supposed to be like this, and she was supposed to be alone for the rest of her life. It wasn't supposed to be the feeling of falling in love because it was her fate not to fall in love. It was already written in the stars that whatever she does, love is out of reach and will never be near her. Yet, why did it come unexpectedly?
Was this coincidence?
I looked down at the bed I always lay down on and bitterly sighed.
"Who would have thought I would never get out of this room again?"
I lifted my weak arm and breathed out through my ventilator. Flowers, people, family, love, friendship, connection, what are those?
Audrey Bella Catalina. A patient for the past 10 years in this same hospital. Life was supposed to go the other way around yet why am I the only one who feels that living has no sense? What is living if filled with this misery? Leukemia. It is the disease I have been battling with forever and there is no cure anymore. My parents have done what they could and yet, why am I not getting any better?
It was a question I have always asked myself. But in the end, there was only one answer I could think of.
Dying.
If I die, then there is no need for me to endure, to always feel like there is no end to this suffering. Only sadness, and no hope. Why do I feel this way? Even if I won between this battle of my life; my disease and happiness, no one might take me too. I am too fragile to be loved.
Even if 'he' loved me, that doesn't mean that he will love me until the very end. What if the love between us ends after a short time? Would it not be better if I die and rather not hope? I think it is better than being broken by someone whom I thought I would end up with. I sighed.
Three months.
I counted the days I am going to live, and today is the last day I am going to live. There are many thoughts that pestered my mind continuously. I felt a tinge of not dying and hoping that I will get better in time. However, I can't be like this anymore. I am slowly accepting the fact that ever since I was born, I was fated to die young and always envy others.
I closed my eyes and thought again. I imagined if I was not like this. If I had no disease, then my life would be happier and I will no longer blame my weak body. I have grieved for my own funeral and I couldn't believe that today is the last day I will be opening my eyes. I am crying because my death is right in front of the door of this room- Hospital Room.
My body trembled and I heard the sound from the Patient Monitor. I felt the horror of dying but I also couldn't stop it.
I tried opening my eyes but to no avail, this must be the end.
If I had another chance of living again, what kind of life would I have?
"Miss Audrey Bella Catalina, died at 09:43 PM, Tuesday night."
The doctor's voice was the last voice I heard. It was a voice as sad as the color blue represents. Still, it felt better they are sad for my death.
'I used to think of fantasy. May I be greedy and think that this is just a dream?'