Chapter 38 - Recall

"Come on Kate, stay with me, why did you do this, come on, stay with me Kate," his words circled around as I felt the dark closing in on me.

There was a stinging pain in my chest, but slowly, almost too slow, the pain faded away. My body felt numb in his arms. All of a sudden I couldn't even his arms around me anymore, despite knowing they would still be there. Somewhere in the background I heard Esposito swearing and Ryan calling for an ambulance. I thought I could even hear a punch being thrown before Gates's voice broke through telling someone to go cool it off, that it wasn't helping. But soon enough the voices faded away, just like the pain. Soon I couldn't hear anyone at all, not even Castle whose voice I'd heard the longest and clearest. The darkness surrounded me like it had only done one time before, a few nights after my mom's death and my dad's beginning into the drinking problem. That one time when I had fainted, only this felt a lot worse. I couldn't remember why the darkness came again, but I was certain it kill me this time.

---------------------------------------------------

There was a big sigh. It was It was he who sighed. Why did he sigh? Why couldn't I feel his arms around me in bed? Why wasn't my bed as soft as it usually was? Why could I his sigh against my neck or at least my face?

"Doctor said you might be able to hear this, but also that I shouldn't hope too much for any response."

He sighed again, not as loud but certainly as deep. What was he talking about? What doctor?

"I've been able to keep Alexis and Molly from here, but they're both so... so stubborn, and they're starting to gang up against me."

Why would he keep them away? Away from me? Where was I?

"I'm not even sure if you can hear this Kate, but if you can... I love you, love you, we need you to pull out of this. And... and we will be here for you anytime you need us to, all of us. Me, your dad, my mom, Espo, Ryan, Lanie and even Gates."

I felt so confused, what had happened? I tried so hard to remember. At the same time I finally figured out where I was, or where I thought I was.

"Espo was really mad at me at first, letting you dive in front of me, but he's calmed down a bit. Ryan defended me, along with Lanie. They both say he's going to calm more once you're awake, that it'll take a few more days."

Dive in front of him? A picture of a hidden gun being raised came into my mind and I felt my body flinch.

"Kate?" his voice was suddenly closer to my head than it had been before.

I could hear the hope spread in his voice, and it warmed my heart finally being able to hear something positive reflect in him. His hand found my cheek, gently rubbing his thumb against my skin. That's when I felt his other hand entangled with mine, it had probably been there all along.

"Kate, if you can hear me, please try squeeze my hand, it doesn't have to be much, just a small squeeze. Please be able to hear me. Please wake up."

The last he said was barely audible. Small prayers that wasn't really meant for me to hear but which he needed to breath out in the open. I wanted so bad to open my eyes, to open my mouth and tell him loud and clear that I heard him. That I loved him too. But I couldn't find my sight, or my voice, so I did what he told me to. I searched for my fingers, the ones intertwined with his, and in a few seconds I managed a twitch in them. His relieved sigh cracked, almost as if he had tears in his eyes.

"Thank god, I-I don't know how I would've-would've lived with myself if you..." his voice died.

The way his throat seemed to close in on him made my heart beat faster and I focused on trying to find the strength to open my eyes, to show him that I was fine and that I was here.

"N-no no no Kate, take it easy, take it easy. No need to stress your heart!" his voice was stressed and I felt his hand leave mine to put it on my shoulder.

He tried to smoothen me by small gentle rubs both on my shoulder and on my cheek but his worry only made me want to wake up faster. To my own horror I felt a sharp pain shot into my chest and I heard a scream fill the room.

"Kate! Kate! Honey! Calm down, you need to slow your heartbeat."

His words made me realize it was me who was screaming. My eyes popped open but I couldn't keep them opened because of the bright light. Once my eyes had adjusted to the light I saw Castle stand over me with big worry in his eyes as he tried to keep me from moving by hold his hands carefully on my shoulders. I managed to shut my mouth but my breathing kept being hard.

"Deep breaths, Kate, deep breaths," Castle chanted starting to breath deep to get me to follow him.

I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, mimicking Castle, until the pain wasn't really there anymore. When my breathing was back to normal I saw Castle watch me for a few seconds, eyes locked on me as they started to water with tears.

"You're awake. I love you."

He leaned forward, pecking my lips tenderly. Almost as if he thought I was fragile and could break at the smallest of touch. When he pulled away I raised my hand to place it at the back of his neck and crashed his lips back on mine. It felt like we hadn't touched in ages, his kiss making my heart beat faster again. He let go of a chuckle before he slowed the kiss down to let go of my lips.

"You need to let your heart rest, I promise there'll be plenty of kisses later," he whispered while a tear of his landed on my lower cheek.

I wiped away the tears on his face before doing my best to find my voice. It took a while, and I got a feeling I had been asleep for longer than I'd like to.

"What happened?"

My voice was raspy, barely audible but by the look on his face I knew he'd heard me.

"You don't remember anything?" he asked carefully and I shook my head slowly. "Okay, so once we came to the building Gates gave you the honor to expose him. You and me went into his office while your partners and the rest stayed on the other side of the door."

The memory came back to me slowly as he explained what had happened.

"He wouldn't budge until you played the tape from you phone, and then I couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore," Castle continued to retell what had happened.

"If I hadn't been so stupid maybe you'd gotten to the arrest part before it happened."

Castle was blaming himself I could tell, both by the way he only murmured his statement and by how he looked down as if in shame.

"It's not your fault" my hoarse voice tried to convince him but I could see a glimpse in his eyes that told me there was nothing I could say that would change his mind.

"I threw myself in front of you, there was nothing you could've done to stop it," I whispered.

"But I should've..." he started but I hushed him.

"I made a promise to myself. No matter what happened I would not let Alexis loose you, no matter what I'd had to do," I confessed and he looked at me with wide eyes.

"What?"

"I didn't want her to become like me, loosing a parent when I knew she would have a chance to get you back. I didn't want her to feel this... feeling that I've felt ever since that day. So, after you contacted me and I decided you were telling the truth I decided that I would not let anything happen to you. I decided that even if I got hurt in the process I would protect you to protect her."

I told him everything. There was no point in trying to hide it, he'd know sooner or later anyway, he knew me well enough even if we hadn't known each other for that long.

"You took a bullet through your chest to keep Alexis from loosing me?" he questioned and even though I could hear a slight anger in his voice there was also gratitude.

I didn't say anything, only nodded as an answer.

His worry came back to me, remembering how he tried to keep me from closing my eyes. Trying to keep me alive long enough for the ambulance to get to me.

"I'm sorry I caused you pain Castle, but I don't regret what I did," I said and bit my lower lip.

His eyes searched in mine as mine did in his. His eyes were so beautiful and I hoped I would be able to look into them for many more years to come.

"Just..." he put his hand over mine, still over his cheek, and locked our fingers together. "Promise me you won't risk your life again, Alexis needs you too now, and so does Molly," he added and I could see how serious he was.

"I promise to do my best to not let them loose anyone of us," I swore, because I knew I would do it all over again if I had to, but I could do my best not to let it harm any of us.

He seemed thoughtful for a moment, probably thinking carefully what words I've chosen, before he nodded in agreement and leaned in to kiss my lips one more time. We let our foreheads touch for a few minutes before I pulled away to move as far away from him as I could in the bed. He gave me a questioning look and I lifted the covers to pat beside me, which made his eyes lit up. He raised from his chair and crawled down in the bed with me. My head quickly found its way to his chest and I snuggled close to him, careful not to disturb any of the tubes the doctors had put on my body.

"How long was I out?" I asked as I breathed in his calming scent.

"About a week, you scared the living hell out of all of us," he said, kissing my hair.