I'm gay

Lance.

"We are doing this again," he demands once the car is stopped in front of my apartment building. The ride was amazing, we listened to his playlist and I now know that he likes alternative pop. His taste in music is weird but somehow it soothes him so well.

"You still want to?" I ask because I don't really know where I stand with him. He doesn't look like he is going to accept himself anytime soon and I don't know how long I can be a secret for. He still didn't tell me his name and it is eating me up. I don't want to be kept away from his life because I really like him.

"Yes, I do."

I look out the window and droplets of water pour to the concrete ground. It is about to rain "We will talk every day. You'll tell me about your day. Whatever you eat, your life, your friends." he reaches for my hand and I let him take it in his grasp. His touch is electrifying and it is almost like my body isn't expecting otherwise anymore. He wants to do all that with me but he doesn't want to tell me who he is.

"Are you having doubts?" he asks and it is so random because I have never been so sure about anything in my life. I should be asking him instead "No, just deep in thoughts."

He nods, the seat-belt sound of his Honda makes an irritating beeping sound. Somehow this is my cue to bid him farewell. I let go of his hand and reach for the door knob. "Text me when you're home." I tell him.

He nods as I get down from the car. I don't look back as I head into the building. "Wait," I turn around from the sound of his voice and he is out of his car and running towards me. He doesn't stop until he gets in front of me. The rain droplets increase suddenly but I don't try to run to shelter. He smiles as water dampens his hair and clothes "Ford."

I furrow my brows in confusion.

"My name is Ford."

My heart freezes. It is like time has stooped in this moment. It seems like a layer of him has been peeled off. A smile forms on my face in content and he waits for me "Hi, Ford." his name on my lips feels so perfect. Like I was made to just call his name. "I'm Lance."

Somehow, his name is perfect for him.

"Thought you wanted the mystery,"

He laughs and runs his hands through his hair "I want you more."

With a thud my heart dances around the confinement of my chest. He leans forward and kisses me in front of my building with the rain pouring and it feels straight out of a romance movie.

**********************

I walk into the building all wet and dazed. I still can't get over Ford. Shit, it feels nice now that I know his name. I don't bother going into my apartment. I reach the fourth floor and knock on the door calmly. My mind is so deep in the thoughts that are the man of my dream.

I didn't think this thing between us was going to be anything more than a fling but as I spend more time with him, I want him even more. I am so infatuated by him. Jack opens the door and a smile is on his face "The man of the hour," he taps my shoulder playfully as he pulls me into his apartment.

"Where's your dad? I question.

Jacks father is the definition of a dead beat. He is an alcoholic that doesn't give a shit about his son. I would be surprised if Jack even knew where he was. He is rarely at home and when he comes home, he causes a ruckus.

"Like I give a shit." I was expecting that response because jack doesn't care about him either. After years of negligence, he has accepted their relationship.

We walk into his room and he jumps on his bed with eyes glued to me. He wants the gist. "Come on." he pipes up.

I manage a slight chuckle.

"How was the date?"

I shake my head "It wasn't a date."

Rolling his eyes "We know that's exactly what it was, but spill. Was it everything you expected?"

I think back to the day and yes, it was: until the moment he bid me goodbye. I look at jack and he is watching me "Yes it was. His name is Ford by the way." I keep wanting to say his name.

"So, are you sure now?"

I furrow my brows. "Sure, about what?"

He smiles "That you like dudes."

That is a good question. I have never had any romantic relationship with a girl, so I don't know if I am fully gay. I just know that I like him. I like him so much that I am ready to risk everything to be with him.

Coming out doesn't seem scary anymore.

"I don't know."

He sighs "What happened tonight. Did he kiss you, did you guys...?" I glare at him and he stops mid-sentence, raising his hands up in surrender "Come on, you know what I mean." He isn't even slightly uncomfortable talking about this with me. Jack just found out about my sexuality and he has taken it like a normal thing. I am blessed to have someone so accepting in my life but it is all too overwhelming.

"I am attracted to him. So much, but I don't know if I am also attracted to girls. I have never been with one."

"What if you just weren't attracted to girls, that's why you never had a girlfriend." he reasons.

I shrug "Well, I have my whole life to figure that out but I know that I am happy in this place I am in."

He grins "My man, I am so excited for you." he slaps my shoulder again. I leave his apartment after an hour of talking. We talk about the whole night, he tells me about his girl. Even though nothing serious has started with them. We talk about how, it would be easy to see Ford during school hours, since our schools are next to each other. I don't know if he would even want to be seen with me in public. I don't want to suggest it to him. I am terrified of the rejection of it.

I go back to my apartment and my mother is seated on the couch probably binging Love Island on Netflix. Its already pretty late and I am surprised to see her so up and energetic. I close the doors with the locks and head over to the kitchen "Hello my so very rude son."

I roll my eyes and open the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water. I walk over to the couch and sit down next to her. Drinking the water, I look to the screen, totally not interested in what she is watching "Where have you been?" she takes a handful of popcorn into her mouth. Her hair is in a messy bun and she is dressed in shorts and a tank top.

"I went out."

Rolling her eyes "I know that but where did you go?" her sudden curiosity in my life activities is alarming.

"When have I ever told you where I go to?"

"Is it such a big deal for a mother to ask her son where he has been all day? Why do you always have to have an attitude?"

I smile and reach for the popcorn; she is watching me. Waiting for me to open up to her. I've been thinking about it for a while now. Wondering how I can even tell her. It's really hard to just say it, let her know that I am not the person she thinks I am.

"I went to see a friend."

"Who? Jack is your only friend." she points out the obvious? I roll my eyes because I feel attacked by her statement.

"What would you do if you find out that I am not who you think I am?" my voice is calm. There is no sarcasm etched to my words. I look at her for any form of suspicion.

"Do I really even know who you are right now?" she asks.

"I am your son. You have to know me to some extent."

She nods "You are the most mysterious person I know Lance. The only things I know about you are the things you tell me. When was the last time you told me anything about your life?"

She is venting. I have a relationship with this woman that no one else would understand. I might act like the biggest jerk on earth to her but i love her more than anything in the world. She has been there for me through my whole life and I don't see myself without her in my life. I might withdraw from her at time but I am a teenager, in my rebellious phase.

I'd like to think it is understandable.

"I met someone mom."

A smile spreads to her face and she is already excited even though she doesn't even know what I am about to say. I am not even thinking at this moment. Maybe it's the excitement from all that happened today that's making this a lot easier.

"Who is she. You know this is the first time you are telling me about a girl. Why am I so excited?" she rambles.

I run my hands through my hair, taking deep breaths "Calm down woman. You don't even know what this is about."

"Okay." she takes a deep breath still smiling. She is anxious about this and suddenly I am terrified to come out.

"I met someone," I star with that again. I know the suspense is probably driving her insane. I should just get to the point "Promise me you wont freak out," I plead.

She rolls her eyes "Everything you do makes me freak out, just get to the point,"

"Okay" I take a deep breath and as those two words leave my lips, it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest.

"I'm gay."