Story 6: losing the battle

*discussions of suicide*

*very intimate content. Discretion is advised."

I still remember That day. It was cold out,freezing. Fred had turned into a ghost, and was able to follow us around now, spending every minute with George. We were with Fred and George, and Hermione, and Ron. We was Draco and I. Our little group walked around laughing at the cold Christmas weather and cursing at the icy sky. We went Christmas shopping and had so much fun. But people in black masks came, and tried to take Draco, pulling him away from me into the sky, Hermione had shot him back down, saved him, but he had left on his own, saying that he couldn't hurt me anymore. I had been devastated, I had night terrors every evening, begging him not to leave, screaming for him to run.

After about a month he had come back. I was so happy, I begged him never to leave.

"Never." He whispered. "I will never leave you side again."

If only that were true.

I flashed back all the time to those cold winter months when I still thought happiness was an emotion I could feel. Draco would hold me at night, tell me stories, and we would go visit the Weasleys almost every day. Hermione came too, and we would sit and talk with Molly and Bill walking around the house, adding into the conversation every so often. The nightmares never left me. No matter how many times Draco told me he wouldn't go, I always woke up crying and begging for him not to leave me.

"Harry I won't ever leave." He laughed quietly.

"I don't believe you." I had breathed.

"Well I'll have to make you." He had whispered pulling out a small black box. Hermione and Ron had both gasped, Fred and George were wide eyed.

"No way." I had breathed.

"Yes way." He grinned. I still remeber the world falling around me, as I watched the love of my life slide the ring on my finger. His kiss had been warm and soft, and amazing. He told me he loved me, and I knew I would never be happier. We moved in together, started and life filled with compassion and love.

And then just like that. Our life destroyed.

I remember walking in the snow with Hermione and Ron and Draco. Draco had been holding my hand, smiling as snow fell onto his cheeks and dusted his hair. The snow banked on my eye lashes and I had wiped my eyes to get the snow off. In the split second it took me to wipe my eyes it happened. I looked over still smiling, and then immediately stopped. Draco's face was wiped, as if he couldn't believe what was happening.

"Draco?" My eyes slowly trailed after his, looking where Ron and Hermione looked. My eyes caught the bright red blood filling his shirt. The splotch getting wider and wider, red leaking everywhere.

I remember jerking back wards and seeing Lucius Malfoy and his minions laughing. He laughed at the death of his child. I remember Draco looking to me sad and hurt.

"I'm so sorry Harry. I love you." He had whispered before crumpling. Lucius snatched Draco and flew away on a broom, laughing as Draco's blood dripped on my face as he flew away.

"I don't remember any more. And I don't want to try." I whisper. The tears pooled in my eyes making it hard to see.

"I know this is hard Mr. Potter, but I want you to try your best to remember every detail. It will help you to heal." Dr. Martha says quietly. How long had I been going to therapy? When would they understand this didn't help?

"He was gone. I remember being hollow. " I say quietly. I was always hollow, I didn't feel anything else anymore. Just emptiness, no joy, not even sadness, I didn't have enough will to be sad. I wished with all my heart that the small gravestone in the small cemetery in the small town where Draco lay, had his body underneath it. But I couldn't go to talk to him when I knew he wasn't there.

"What about a few weeks after?" She prodded. I didn't want to talk about it. And she knew it.

"You mean when I tried to kill myself?" I hiss. She looks shocked. She always asked me the question as if she didn't know I had tried to kill myself, she knew every detail, there was no reason to ask me about it.

"If I may be so bold, Mr. Potter, yes I would like you to tell me about it. Feelings, reasonings.-"

"REASONINGS? THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS DEAD. I FEEL DESTROYED, I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AND IT DIDN'T WORK. I TRIED IT AGAIN AND THEN I HAD TO COME TO YOU." all the pent up anger spills and I can't stop screaming every little feeling I've had since that horrible day when I woke up and realized that it hadn't worked. I had made sure I put the knife deep in my stomach, but Ron stopped me.

"I FELT SAD OK? I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF FOR PETES SAKE AND ASKING ME DOESN'T HELP IT ONLY HURTS EVERY LITTLE THING YOU ASK IS LIKE STABBING ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN." I take a deep breath, and the tears spill over.

"And you know what Martha?" I choke, crying. "I'm so fucking sick of people telling me I'll get over it, just a little medicine and it'll be fine. Because it won't, he's gone, he's always going to be gone. And I'll never be able to live without him. I can't handle it.I can't handle a world when I wake up in bed and he's not beside me. I can't do it." I crumple to the ground. Martha helped me to calm down before I went home. The feeling hit me again as soon as I entered our bedroom. Another flashback. I tried to stop it but couldn't.

"Draco hush they'll hear!"

"No they won't. Just keep quiet." He whispered kissing my neck right behind my ear.

He was holding me against the wall with my legs wrapped around his hips.

"That's-im-im-impossible." I had choked as he kissed my chest.

"Mmm. I disagree." He laughed. His lips touched mine, and the need was raw and bitter.

The flashback broke, I was glad. A sharp stab hit my chest. It was fading in and out.

"I love you Harry." He was holding me tight, I felt him push into me.

"I love you too. More than anything." I choked.

I couldn't take it, the knife like pain hit me again. I wanted to leave this planet, I needed to find a knife, poison something. But I couldn't leave the flashes.

"Harry shhhh." He laughed kissing me. His tongue moved in my mouth, his taste filled me up, his touch soothed my skin. He was holding me in his lap kissing me.

I couldn't stop moaning as his hands moved over me. Touching my thighs, shoulders, hips, chest, neck.

"Ughhhh." I groaned.

I couldn't. I didn't want to see these things. I needed to get out of the flashes I needed to stop. He was gone.

"He's gone!" I smack myself to wake me up.

"He's gone you fool! Dead forever!" But then I realize something. I wasn't going to stay here in this world much longer, may as well enjoy it. I let the memories flood over me.

"Nnngg. Draco slower."

"I'm trying it feels so good." Draco groaned. I was pushed up against the wall, Draco holding me by my hips as he pushed inside of me.

"Agh! Draco Jesus."

"Sorry."

"Nnnng. Forgiven." I breathed. He gripped my hair tightly, his kiss was warm. I remembered that.

My vision was fading into black. I wanted him back. It hurt so bad, I just wanted the pain to stop. I crumple to the ground. Maybe death would find me. My eyes close.

When I wake up in the hospital I freak out for a hot minute. Ron and Hermione were there by my side in a flash urging me to take deep breaths. They told me they had a surprise for me. I didn't want a gift for my birthday.

"Guys I really don't feel-"

"No Harry. Shut up. You don't have a choice." Hermione said with a frown.

"I don't-I just-ok fine." I mumble. I hop out of the bed, following them out the door.

"Wait what about-"

"We already had you discharged." Ron says walking across the snowy bank.

We go to Ron's house, entering the door and finding the Weasley house loud and busy. Ron sits with me on the couch while the rest of them work on something. I don't feel excited, I don't feel anything, I sit blankly watching TV without seeing anything, and sipping a drink without tasting. Ron looks worried about me. But I don't mind, I was used to people being scared for me. I wasn't scared, I didn't feel anything.

"You'll love you present." Ron whispers. He sounds so excited. Why? Why were they all so giddy. It made me mad.

"It was on your wishlist last year too. Pretty expensive honestly." Ron mutters quietly.

"You shouldn't have done that." I whisper. I didn't want things, I wanted Draco back.

"Ok!" Molly says with a huge smile.

I sit at the table with a homemade cake in front of me.

They sing happy birthday and then the dreadful part comes.

"Make a wish dear." Molly whispers.

"I wish-"

"Not out loud!" She said with a laugh.

I didn't respond to the sound, too miserable to react.

"I wish for Draco to be alive." I mutter. They all look at me funny.

"Well it's not coming true anyways may as well say it out loud." I whisper blowing the candles out. They all have cake. I refrain.

"Ok!" Molly says. "Game time!" Ron and George put a blindfold over my eyes.

"What on earth are we doing?" I ask.

"Contacting ghosts." Ron says with a smile in his voice.

"Guys I don't-" but they shh me.

"Think of person you want to see and then simply say you want to see them."

"I want to see Draco." I whisper. A stabbing pain hits me like a ton of bricks. But suddenly a white flash and I hear him.

"Hello Harry." Comes a raspy voice. His. His voice. My hand slaps over my mouth. Draco? Draco! I jerk the blindfold off, but he's gone.

"Gotta keep the blindfold on for it to work." Hermione says sound excited but also very stressed.

I jerk the fabric over my eyes as fast as possible.

"Draco?" I breathe.

"I'm here love." He whispers I can hear he's on the verge of tears. The blind fold is sliding off, pulling up. Pale fingers slipping the fabric off. And before me is Draco. My Draco. He is bandaged around his chest, with an opened up button shirt. I couldn't breathe.

"This isn't real." And then I start to cry. Sinking to my knees.

"This isn't real." I sob. Crumbling to the ground.

"Sweetheart." He whispers wiping the tears from my cheeks gently. "It's real." His hand lifts to reveal a scratched up wedding ring, our wedding ring, on his finger.I choke a sob.

"It's-how-how did you-are-DRACO." I jump forward wrapping my arms as tight as they'll go around his neck. He laughs crying and hugging me as tight as he can.

"Oh god I missed you." He whispered quietly.

"You'll never understand. Living without you. Thinking you were-" I can't say it. I only hide my flooding eyes in his bandages chest. He lifts me up like a child, I wrap my legs right around his waist refusing to let go. The tears pouring down my face are slowing to a stop. My Draco. He wasn't dead. He was holding me.

"How?" I whisper.

"I wasn't dead when they took me. They held me there for a while, a lot of unpleasant stuff happened. And I escaped two nights ago and asked Hermione and Ron to help me surprise you." His voice was gentle and soft. He was trying not to scare me.

I look to Hermione. "Is he really here?" I ask.

She's crying. Not sad, but happy. So happy. Her head bobs up and down. I breath relief.

Draco holds me tight. His lips are at my ear and he breathes a whisper. "Home?" He asks. I nod.

"I wanna go home." I mutter. The Weasleys and Hermione voice their approvals and bid us goodnight.

*about 1 hour later*

We slam through the front door, throwing the Keys aside and kissing. Draco's peels off my shirt slamming me against the wall. He tosses his shirt aside kissing my chest and neck rapidly. His hands race all over my body, I can feel the urgency in his movements. He missed this just as much as me.

His fingers trace my ribs, then my collar bone, and then my jaw. His lips are on mine quickly, his tongue moving in my mouth.

"Mmmmm." I groan, kissing him long and slow. His lips move with mine, his tongue isn't as rapid as before. I feel his pelvis grind over mine, he's holding back. I can tell when he kisses me. He's going slow for me. I let my tongue slide deeper in his mouth, I moan loudly, digging my fingers into his hair and pulling him close. He presses me harder against the wall, his hips move around as he readjusts me, and he's still holding back.

"B-bed" I gasp as he kisses me.

"Yes." He says quickly lifting me up and practically running into the bedroom. He tosses me down on the bed crawling over me and kissing me slow like before.

"Draco?" I mumble.

"Hmm?" He asks sliding his tongue in my mouth.

"I don't want you to hold back anymore." I whisper trying to be seductive. He pulls back with a huge grin.

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure. Give me everything." I say pulling him back down to me. He breaths a laugh and crawls over me once more. The urgency is like never before. He starts slow, pulling me in his lap and kissing me with tongue. His hands slide from my hair to my neck, the cool of his skin mixing with the heat of mine. His hands trail farther down to my pants, he slides his hands under the waistband on either side of my hips.

"Is that really all you've got Malfoy?" I ask. He smirks. He lays back, pulling me on top of him. I lay over his pelvis, I feel every part of him against my skin. His hands slide under me, touching me. I gasp. He laughs kissing me hard.

"Really Malfoy? I-hope-that this-this-wasn't all you had planned." I breath.

"Fine Potter. I've got an ace up my sleeve." He pulls me off the bed sitting me on the ground in between his legs. He unbuttons my pants without a thought, and touches me there.

"Ha-ah-I-hope this wasn't all-AGH." His hands slides up and down, and i stiffen. He'd never touched me like that before. Ever.

"Hmm-ha-a-ha." My back arches and I lift off the ground, my neck bracing over his shoulder. Draco goes faster working to get any reactions out of me. I try to refuse to make any noise, but it only makes his hand move faster.

I moan loud. I'm so glad we were home alone.

I was close to an erection but Draco didn't stop. He was determined to give me everything he had. His lips were at my neck kissing me. He grabs my hair twisting my head so he could put his tongue in my mouth. I couldn't think. My back arches again. The pleasure, oh god it felt so good.

"Haaa! Draco, Draco you-mmmm-you wIN." My voice got louder as his hand put more pressure on me.

I leaned back towards him again, kissing him. My lips parted and I was practically begging for his tongue in my mouth again. Heaven. This was heaven.

His hand was moving even faster, I could feel myself stiffening, I lifted up off the ground clutching Draco for support. I was so close, it was almost painful to wait for the pleasure to hit me.

Jesus Christ it felt so good. I was kissing him again. "Faster." I breathed. "Oh god faster." His hand wasn't relenting and he did what I asked.

"DrACO. Nnng-ha-ha-Jesus christ. Oh god." He was pushing now not just moving but pushing and pulling on me. Finally my body gave way. Oh god the feeling.

"Christ Harry I didn't know I was that good at this." He was shocked. I lunged forward without thought.

"I want you." I groaned kissing him. He tosses me in the bed unzipping his pants and crawling over me.

"Oh god I missed this Harry." He whispers.

He leans down kissing relentlessly. I feel him push inside of me. I moan. He kisses me harder than before moving faster and faster.

"You make me crazy." He breaths pushing faster.

I can't speak. Sounds race out of my mouth. I feel him touching me, and I grip the sheets as tight as I can.

He slows pulling out of me.

"Don't stop." I whimper holding onto him.

"Harry we need rest it's been hours." He laughs. I look over to the clock. It was four in the morning.

"Time flys." I gasp. He kisses me.

"Indeed. I'll grab you something to drink."

I pull on pajamas and follow him out. We sip tea and cuddle on the couch in the living room.

"I love you." I whisper falling asleep.

"I love you too sweetheart."

*end*