Arc I - Going Home - Part 5

Xiao Zhan froze. Surely, he had misheard. In a daze, he turned off the heat and got closer to the TV. He watched in horror as footage of the accident scene filled the screen, stills of Yibo and his bandmate in the upper left corner. 

"Witnesses on the scene called the emergency services shortly after the incident, and the two men were rushed to Asan Medical Centre. According to a preliminary release from the hospital, Mr. Zhou suffered minor injuries and should be discharged shortly. Mr. Wang is currently held in the ICU and is in critical condition. The driver of the truck has yet to be identified. The Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency has issued an open call for information. The families of Messrs. Zhou and Wang kindly request that the fans show restraint and respect the privacy of the victims. We will update you as more is released."

The phone number for the Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency flashed on the screen before the programme cut to a commercial break.

His vision darkened at the edges, and his knees buckled under him. Time slowed down. He caught himself on the couch at the last minute and slumped to the floor. He stared at the TV, unseeing. In his mind, the grotesque juxtaposition of Yibo's smiling face and of the scene played in a loop. This couldn't be real. Surely… This… This had to be a mistake. His body shook. He hugged himself. This wasn't real. It couldn't be real. However, no matter how much he wanted to deny reality, the rational part of his brain screamed. The motorcycle. You know it. You've seen it before. It's his.

"No!" whispered Xiao Zhan, shutting his eyes tight and closing himself off from the world.

I miss you, too. Be careful on the road.

"No. No. No!" he yelled.

Tears escaped from his eyes. He grabbed his head with his hands, fingers digging into the skin of his scalp, and leaned forward, the heavy weight of fear in the pit of his stomach pulling at him inexorably. 

"Yibo…" he whimpered. 

He wished for unfathomable darkness, for the promise of oblivion, but his mind remained sharp. Every detail was seared in his brain with perfection, each of them quickly being analyzed to be turned into as many sources of twisted guilt. You could have prevented this, it said. You could have prevented this and didn't.

A knock at the door forced Xiao Zhan out of his hell loop and back to the reality of his apartment. He held his tears for a moment and listened. There was the knock again. He looked at his watch. It was almost one in the morning. Who could it be? His heart lurched at the thought that maybe it was Yibo after all, and this had all been some kind of misunderstanding, but the hope didn't last more than a split second. He wasn't a child to fool himself so easily.

The knocks on the door grew more insistent. Using the couch as support, Xiao Zhan shakily got to his feet. He wiped his face and nose as best he could with the sleeves of his sweater. He took a quick look through the peephole, hoping that he hadn't disturbed a neighbour with his emotional outburst. Instead, he was surprised to see his manager stand in front of his door, briefcase in hand. He quickly wiped his face again and took a deep breath before opening the door.

"Good.." he began.

Before he could even finish, she had already taken off her pumps and pushed past him without taking off her jacket.

"You're back. Good. Why didn't you text me? You should put these bags away," she said in one breath.

Xiao Zhan closed the door and walked up to meet her. She was already in the kitchen.

"What's that smell? Are you cooking?"

She looked disapprovingly at his abandoned ramen and the mess he had left behind. She grabbed the pot and poured the soup down the drain. The scent of spicy seafood hit him, making him relive the moment he'd heard Yibo's name on television. He reeled and grabbed the back of a chair to steady himself. He would never be able to eat those again. His manager didn't notice his discomfort and continued tidying up the kitchen.

"Chiyou, what are you doing here?" he finally managed in a thick voice.

Done with her task, she joined him at the kitchen table.

"You weren't picking up the phone nor responding to my texts. Why?"

He pointed at the devices charging on the counter.

"I didn't have power. Then I dropped it, and it shattered," he explained. 

The memory of the morning felt so far away. It belonged to the time before. Chiyou shook her head and sighed. 

"Alright, well, we need to talk about tomorrow's press conference."

Chiyou sat down and pulled a slim folder from her perfectly organized briefcase. She pushed it across the table, opened it and began talking at him as was her habit. Xiao Zhan could do nothing but stare at her as she went through various documents, pointing out highlighted sections. He was shocked at the concept that despite what he had just learnt, the world went on with its business as if nothing had changed. The normality of it all overwhelmed him. He tightened his grip on the back of the chair.

Eventually, Chiyou noticed that Xiao Zhan wasn't paying attention.

"Are you listening? This is important. The drama came close to not being aired at all because of that idiot's blunder. So you have to be very careful with what you say. We don't want you to be associated with this fiasco. It could cost you sponsorships or other contracts. Do you understand?"

He nodded but had no idea who or what she was talking about. Something must have happened while he was in Thailand, but he didn't have the mental space or energy to care at the moment. Chiyou looked him in the face for a moment, then sighed. Her features softened for the first time since she'd arrived.

"Your eyes are red. Have you been wearing your contacts too long again? Did you forget to take them off before bed? You need to give your eyes a rest."

She got up, grabbed the folder, and handed it to him so quickly that he almost dropped it. She was already putting her shoes back on when he caught up with her.

"I'll have the driver here at eight sharp. I'm not Director Luo, so there won't be any plan B. Be on time, ok? I can't mother you all the time," she scolded.

"I will," he said in a small voice.

"Do you need me to get you a new phone?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"I will use the old one for now."

She nodded, then looked at him before looking away. She put her hand on the doorknob but didn't move. Something about her felt off, but Xiao Zhan couldn't quite figure out what. She finally opened the door.

"Wang Yibo's mother called the office," she said without looking at him. 

He felt a sharp pain in his stomach as he heard Yibo's name.

"She's been trying to reach you."

She finally turned, and their eyes met. Xiao Zhan felt like Chiyou was talking to him and not at him. It scared him.

"Call her as soon as you can. Even if it's the middle of the night."

With these words, she quickly stepped out and closed the door. Xiao Zhan stood still for a moment, wondering if Chiyou hadn't just made up a pretext to come and check on him. After all, she could have told him all this information on the way to the press conference. Was she worried about him? His eyes prickled, and he had to force himself not to overthink it. He needed to gather himself to call Auntie Wang. He would have to be strong for her.

Back in the kitchen, he dropped the folder on the table, grabbed the two phones and set about switching the SIM card. The task would have required daintier fingers than his, so it took him more time than he had anticipated. He was about to turn on the old device when there was a knock at the door. He looked around to see if Chiyou hadn't forgotten something but couldn't see anything. He walked to the entrance and saw the security guard through the peephole. He opened the door.

"I'm sorry to bother you at this time, sir, but the woman who was just here told me to give this to you."

The man handed him a brown paper bag. Xiao Zhan hugged it to his chest. It was warm.

"Good night, sir."

Xiao Zhan returned the greeting and went back to the kitchen. He opened the bag and found an assortment of food containers. He immediately recognized the dishes from his favourite 24h restaurant one neighbourhood over. Chiyou must have ordered after leaving his place and come back to deliver it. He wondered why she hadn't come back up. Before he could think any more about it, the delicious scent made his stomach growl, and he realized that he was ravenous. He sat down and began to eat with a surprisingly good appetite, all things considered. He told himself he would need strength for what awaited him. 

As he reached into the bag for a napkin, he found an envelope. A cute pink Post-it note in the shape of a cat bearing Chiyou's hand was stuck to it.

I know I can't stop you.

Promise me not to cry too much.

You know it breaks my heart.

C.

Xiao Zhan opened the envelope. It contained a plane ticket for Seoul and accommodation details. He set the envelope on the table with a shaky hand and resumed eating. Before long, he was already breaking his promise.