Video Games and Life Advice Do Not Mix

November 16, 2019.

Somehow, I managed to survive the week. It consisted of mostly avoiding my past teammates and overall just being an antisocial potato, which I was not experienced at. I was forced to keep my head hung in the halls and my mouth shut in class. Being a pretty extroverted person, it had been tough. But it was better than telling people that I wasn't planning on playing basketball. I had thought about just telling my friends what I was thinking but then I started imagining the look of disappointment they would give me, and I kept my mouth shut.

It was Saturday morning, so Liv would be the only one in the house awake. Other than me. I usually try to get up early Saturday morning and practice at the street court, but the thought of playing now that I knew I wasn't trying out for the team seemed pointless. So instead I powered on my TV and started watching All American on Netflix. Not surprisingly, seeing another kid excelling at sports and fulfilling his dream did not make me feel much better.

I decided to just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, the first time I've ever felt that feeling. I never used to bottle up my feelings like I have been or even avoid people in general. I would always just take what was coming to me and let it all out on the court. In middle school, I was practically the definition of a care-free child. I would laugh my way through class and enjoy my reputation as the class clown, and then work my butt off in practice after. My grades had been great, only outdone by my performance in basketball games. I realized that I had been practically living on a cloud for the majority of my 7th and 8th grade years. All that had changed over the summer, when I had broken my arm and was forced to stay home with my dad for company.

My dad and my mom had divorced when I was young, and I never had really understood what was happening. My understanding was basically that Mom was leaving and it would be just me, Dad, and my baby sister. I don't really remember much of what happened after. I remembered my dad seeming lost and me staying up at night wondering why my mom had left. Dad had been great, though, and he had taken care of me and Liv, who had just been born. We don't talk about it a lot, but when we do Liv tells me that she doesn't remember anything about Mom. I always fill her in on what I remember about Mom, which mostly includes the little things, like what she smelled like, what she used to call me. Things like that.

It was far from great, but it was alright. At least we still had Dad. Until we didn't. My dad had kept his head up for a long time for my and Liv's sake, but eventually he just sort of broke. He'd had a good job and saved up a lot of money, but then he started drinking and got fired. Since then he's been unemployed, and spends most his time watching TV or playing poker with his buddies.

Thankfully, my bad memories were eventually interrupted by the vibration of my phone. I was surprised, when I checked it, to see that it wasn't actually from someone I was trying to avoid. It was from my friend Ethan Adams, from where I used to live in North Carolina. I read the text:

Down for RL or 2K?

I smiled and turned on my Xbox. There was no way I was going to be playing any basketball games anytime in the foreseeable future, but a couple games of Rocket League didn't sound too bad. I shot him a quick reply and invited him to an Xbox Live Party.

"Yo, Blake, what's going on!" Ethan said as soon as he joined the party.

"Hey, Ethan," I replied, launching Rocket League on the Xbox.

"So what's it gonna be today?" he asked. "2K or Rocket League?"

"Rocket League," I told him.

"Alright!"

Ethan is different from most people. When he wakes up in the morning, he's more hyper than I am in the middle of a game, but at night, he's completely knocked out. It's weird, but if you know him well enough, you get used to it.

"So who's our third?" he asked. "Austin, Cam, anyone? Or are we gonna play doubles?"

Ethan knew most of my Miami friends, mainly through playing video games with them.

"Nah, let's just play doubles," I answered.

And so we played for about an hour, with Ethan and the game both serving to take my mind off basketball. That soon changed when Austin joined the chat.

"Hey, guys," he said.

"Oh, hey Austin!" Ethan replied. "What's going on?"

"Just wondering why Blake isn't at the court, practicing for tryouts on Monday. He was supposed to meet me there."

I winced. I usually did meet Austin at the court on Saturday mornings, and he would help me practice.

"You have tryouts on Monday?" Ethan asked.

"Sorry, man, that's my bad," I told Austin.

"Yeah, tryouts are tomorrow, but Blake's not planning on trying out."

I didn't really mind Austin telling Ethan. I felt relieved actually. One less person to keep the "secret" from, if you could even call it that. I honestly didn't think me not playing basketball was a big deal, but everyone else seemed to think that. Everyone in school wants to be the most popular, but being popular has its own problems. That's why I was enjoying the majority of people in high school not knowing who I am. After middle school, I was exhausted from all the attention I had been given, even after trying to convince everyone that I was just another student that happened to play on the basketball team.

"What, why not?" Ethan sounded surprised to learn that I wasn't trying out.

"I told you about my injury, man," I said. "How I lost my touch."

"Yeah, but you also said you were hitting the court daily to get it back," he said.

"And I did. But it didn't help, I'm not back to where I was. So what's the point in playing for the team if I'm nowhere close to at my best?"

"That's ridiculous!" said Ethan. "The more you play, the better you get."

"Exactly," said Austin.

"That's what I thought, too," I said. "But I've been playing on the street court every time I get a chance and I haven't improved at all. Maybe I'm not meant to play basketball."

"Man, you've sent me those clips of you playing last year. If you're not meant to play basketball, then me and Cam and everyone else are screwed. Speaking of, how do they feel about you not playing this year?"

I paused, hoping Austin would chime in or, even better, change the subject. But he didn't. He was waiting for me to tell Ethan.

"I, um, I actually haven't told them... yet," I said.

Ethan was quiet for a moment before he said, "What do you mean 'you haven't told them'? You haven't told your own teammates that you're not going to be there for them?"

"What does it matter, man? I mean, it's not like I'm going away and will never see them again or something like that. Why is it such a big deal that I'm just not playing basketball with them?"

"You know that it matters," Ethan said. "I know you do. I heard about what happened with Luke. He went to another school and now you guys don't even talk to him anymore."

"That's not the same thing," I said, but I knew that he was right.

"Not the same thing?" Ethan repeated. "You're leaving the team, just like Luke did."

"It wasn't because Luke left the team, it was because he—"

"Didn't tell you?" Ethan finished. "Because that's exactly what you're doing with Cam, Nathan, and Max."

He was right. I was doing the same thing that Luke did. I suddenly understood everything Luke had been through. I had thought he didn't tell us until the last day because he was a jerk, but he hadn't told us because he had been afraid we'd be disappointed. And we had been disappointed, and angry too. He had finally gotten the courage up to tell us, and we had done exactly what he was afraid of. We shut him out. I realized that it's what I'm afraid of, too. I could imagine the disappointment on Cam, Nathan, and Max's faces because it's the same image of our faces when Luke told us he wasn't going to play with us at South Miami High.

"You're right," I said finally, after a long moment of silence. "I'll tell them today."

"Thank you!" Austin exclaimed. I wasn't sure whether he was talking to me for saying I would tell them or to Ethan for convincing me to.

I pulled at the joysticks on my controller and flew my car sideways into the air, knocking the ball into the goal. Ethan and I were winning our game, 4-0. My friends and I played a lot of Rocket League when we're bored.

"Nice shot!" Ethan exclaimed.

"Thanks," I replied, and exited out of the game. "I'll shoot Cam, Nathan, and Max a text and see when they can meet up. Then I'll tell them."

"Sounds good," said Austin.

"Yup," agreed Ethan.

I turned off my Xbox and laid back in my bed, thinking about how I was going to tell Cam, Nathan, and Max about me not playing on the team. I wanted to tell them in a way that didn't destroy any friendships, but I also knew that I couldn't make up any reasons. I had to be straight with them and tell them that I just didn't think I could play up to my potential anymore, and I didn't want to play any other way. Once I've explained it to them, the ball would be in their court. I wondered why it was so hard for me to do.

I finally realized that it would be a bigger deal for my teammates then it would be for me. Basketball season would come and go for me, but my teammates would have to play without me, which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but they might not think the same way. I was the team captain on the middle school team last year as well as the point guard. That meant that they all relied on me, both on and off the court. Whether I liked it or not, they looked up to me. I suddenly wished they didn't. It would be much easier if I had just been a shooting guard, and Luke or Cam had been point guard or captain.

If I was trying out this year, I would try out for shooting guard, or maybe even small forward, and definitely stay away from the position of team captain. That way I could play basketball and contribute to the team without other people relying on me too heavily. Because I had learned that when people rely on you, it's very difficult to not let them down. Luke had let the team down, and I was about to as well.

I took a deep breath and opened up a group chat, sending a text to the people who I won't consider a teammate for much longer.

Meet me at the court near my neighborhood in an hour. I have something to tell you.

-B

I slid my phone back into my pocket and prepared myself to not only tell my friends, but also convince myself that I would not be trying out for the basketball team at South Miami High School.