Whew. I have a lot of thoughts, so buckle in.
Positives:
The grammar of the story is mostly good, although there are consistent mistakes around quotation marks. There are few typos or misspelled words.
The characters are the strongest part of this story. The main character’s personalities are all established quickly and strongly. The characters all have clear goals, so it’s easy to root for them. The contrast between Jess’ Christian ideals and morals and her actual lifestyle of crime was interesting, and I hope that this contrast is explored more as the author keeps writing. Jess clearly cares about God and knows He will forgive her, but she is not in His will. Does she know this? How does she justify it? Each of the characters are interesting and unique. I loved Jess’ bubbly, cheery personality and dreams for something better, Jazz’ witty flirting, and Shane’s guarded-but-good-on-the-inside additude. Shane especially goes through some good character development.
My favorite part of the story (minor spoilers) is that some of our main characters are working against each other. Each side has good reasons and sympathetic people, and I love seeing the contrast between the two sides and trying to decide who to root for. The story is building up towards an inevitable confrontation, and I can’t wait to watch it!
The romances are strong, sweet, and engaging. The two main relationships act as great foils to one another. Later in the story, one girl worries about an argument between her friend and her friend’s guy, even though the friend is ready to forgive him. It makes great drama. Each of the two main relationships is well-developed and set apart from the other. I appreciated how each character had their own attitude towards dating and relationships. Jess’ descriptions of what her crush felt like were especially well done, and the time I really felt like I was getting into Jess’ head the best.
A minor thing, but I liked the chapter titles.
Throughout the story, there are sprinkled many scenes that work very, very well. One of my favorite scenes comes in Chapter 13, when Jess and Shane go running. I’ve jogged through a few 5ks myself, and this scene perfectly captures the experience of training hard for a run. I loved how Jess kept setting little goals for herself - “That tree. Make it to the tree” - because that is exactly what I do! This scene is full of rich adjectives and wonderful descriptions, and it portrays that exhausted-but-joyful feeling fabulously. Gracie says in the Creator’s Thoughts that she runs herself, so it’s no wonder this scene is so great. Also, the scene right after it was very flirty and sweet.
In Chapter 15, two characters go on a date at a resturant. This scene was lovely. The pacing was much better, and the dialogue was strong. The two characters played off of each other very well, and the way their conversion developed was interesting and realistic. They each had worries and excitement about how the date went, and the scene left me looking forward to their next date.
In a later scene, two characters go to a swing dancing class on a date. Swing dancing is a unique and fun activity to read about, and I loved it! The contrast between the man and the woman on the date was well done. The woman, who had been dancing for a while, was excited, and the man, who hadn’t danced much before, was frustrated. This led to conflict as the woman was torn between having fun dancing and worrying about her partner. A slower, more detailed pace on this scene would have been nice, but overall, it’s well-written and creative.
Overall, the development of the plot is good. The romances grow naturally and gradually, and I can't wait to see what happens when our characters on both sides of the law meet.
Critiques:
Please know that there is some profanity in this story, which many Christian audiences don't prefer. A warning note from the author would be nice.
Sometimes it is hard to keep track of the different characters. The author often refers to the main character and her friends with descriptors like "the firey redhead," "the tall man," or "the African-American girl," where it would flow better to simply use their names.
The settings are not well developed. The settings are rarely described, and we don't get a sense of what the world looks like or how it feels. For example, in one scene involving a theft, the store the characters are robbing is not described, and their plan is not explained well to the audience. We aren't told if there is anyone in the store, or even if the store clerk is there. We don't know how big the store is, or what the store layout is. This drains the tension and suspense from the scene.
A minor thing, but having one character with scarlet hair, a red car called Scarlet, and another character named Scarlet (or maybe Scarlett) who also had red hair was weird.
The POVs of the characters are not well established. The story is written in Third-Person Omniscient POV, which means the invisible narrator can see all of the characters and talks about what they are all feeling more-or-less at the same time. One sentence might describe what Jess is feeling, and the next sentence might describe what Shane thinks she is feeling. Third-Person Omniscient is very difficult to do well, and so in this book it is hard to get into the character's heads and really understand what they are experiencing. As this is the author's first big project like this, I think she would be better sticking to Third-Person Limited. The POV is what knocked down the star on Character Design, because the characters themselves are good. (See above.)
The pacing is often awkward, especially near the beginning. We skip or rush through scenes that would be interesting to read or should be much slower. In one chapter, the narration mentions that two characters "tracked down Shane's van and drove it home only an hour before the man himself showed." This would have been an exciting and important scene to show. Instead, I'm left with many questions. How did they do it? Why does it seem so easy? Will there be consequences? Some scenes feel more like a summary of a scene than an immersive experience. However, the pacing does improve a lot as the story goes on. Pacing in romantic scenes is usually stronger than the pacing in the thriller/crime scenes.
Because of the pacing, the voice of the story suffers. It struggles to develop its own unique tone, and it's never quite either comedy or drama, especially in the earlier chapters.
I gave 5 stars on Updates because I haven't been reading this story long enough to see any updates, but the book is almost complete. I read everything there is so far in about three days.
Overall:
This story isn't there yet, but it has potential to be incredible and creative. Each of the characters has a strong personality and clear goals. The author's dedication to her book is clear, and the hard work she has put into this is amazing. If the author decides to revise and write a new draft, fixing the POV, grammar, and pacing, exploring the settings, I would be happy to read this through again and I think I would enjoy it a lot! The thing that needs the most development is the Christian themes. A story about Christian criminal characters could be fascinating, with internal conflict and guilt, character development, meaningful discussion, and more, but the author doesn’t make much use of this concept. I hope that Gracie continues to write, and I look forward to seeing her work improve.
