Pretending Not to See, Pretending Not to Know

What was it that had touched his cheek?

After it happened, Mahiru did not return to Amane's apartment. He did not see her for

the rest of the day. Except for when he was sleeping—to be accurate, he had been too

distressed for to sleep, but he'd dozed off a few times—any time he wasn't, he was

turning over Mahiru's actions in his mind.

It had only been for a moment, brief enough to make him question whether it had been

his imagination—but something soft had definitely grazed his cheek. Knowing how

close she'd been to him at the time, and remembering the feel of it, Amane could guess

what Mahiru had done. But that didn't mean he understood it.

No one would ever have imagined it, that Mahiru herself would kiss him, even if it was

just his cheek.

…Why?

Typically, a kiss is something only shared with someone close or important. Amane

wanted to tell Mahiru how precious she was to him, but his last attempt had gone so

poorly that he was embarrassed just thinking about it.

There was really no excuse—he hadn't even tried to make a move. However, Mahiru

was different. Even if it was only his cheek, she had really kissed him.

He understood that she cared about him, liked him even, and treated him well. But

confronted with her feelings in the form of a kiss, Amane was left more bewildered

than elated.

I wonder if she's starting to really like me?

Amane felt like he'd never gotten the chance to really impress her, like she'd only ever

seen what a worthless person he was. He couldn't think of any reason why she would

like him.

The notion that nobody could ever fall for him, and that he was an arrogant fool for

hoping, spun round and round in Amane's head, making it hard to think about

anything else.

At school, he kept his mess of emotions from showing on his face, but inside, he was

miserably distressed.

Whenever Mahiru made eye contact with Amane during school, she would turn her

gaze away subtly, so he also avoided looking in her direction.

Nevertheless, Amane's eyes followed Mahiru whenever possible, and the everperceptive Itsuki must have noticed the small distance that had opened between

Amane and Mahiru.

"Did the two of you get into a fight?" Itsuki asked over lunch.

"Huh? You had a fight, Fujimiya?" Yuuta asked.

Chitose and Mahiru weren't joining them that day, so the three boys were having lunch

together.

"No, we're not fighting, but… well, um, something, some things happened…"

He mumbled those words and avoided going into detail. Amane couldn't possibly

explain that he had completely failed to kiss Mahiru, and that she had kissed him on

the cheek instead.

Itsuki did not hide his exasperation. He gave Amane a look that said, "You better give

up and confess everything if you know what's good for you."

Amane couldn't meet his friend's gaze. "Anyway…," he muttered, "some things

happened, and we're both feeling self-conscious about it, or like…"

"Unbelievable, just how much of a wuss are you?"

"Shut up, man."

"Now, now, Fujimiya strikes me as the cautious type," Yuuta interjected. "I doubt he

can make an approach without a painfully obvious signal telling him to go for it."

"That's what I mean; he always chickens out!"

There was no way Itsuki and Yuuta could understand what had happened, but the two

of them didn't hold back, and their accusations at Amane for "chickening out" stung

quite a bit.

"…It's just, the idea of someone liking me—like, if I was more self-confident, this

wouldn't be so hard, and… If I was better-looking, I would feel more confident, but…"

"Fujimiya, if anything, you're a high-quality guy who acts like a loser despite

everything you've got going for you."

"I don't know what to do with that, coming from you, Kadowaki, the cre me de la

cre me."

If Amane had been as accomplished as Yuuta, and had good looks to boot, he wouldn't

have struggled so much. He might have been able to accept Mahiru's affection without

a second thought and confess his feelings for her. He would have been able to stand

proudly by her side, without having to work for it.

He understood that Mahiru had been sincere when she'd said that he was attractive,

but objective and subjective opinions were two very different things.

Mahiru's subjective opinion was the most important, of course, but when he thought

about all their peers watching, as well as his own self-worth, he felt like he had a lot of

improvement left to make.

"I'm not saying that I'm jealous of your looks, Kadowaki, but if I had those going for

me, I'm sure I would be more confident."

Amane's hesitation and anxiety were his own fault. It was the fear of reaching out to

her that kept him stuck, worrying over answers that he might never even get, all

because he lacked any kind of mental fortitude.

"It's a little late, but you need to have some faith in yourself and make a move!"

"I told you, I'm working on it now. I'm gonna make a move soon, but…"

Amane was working on building up his confidence. He was working hard in school by

being diligent with his studies so that he could maintain his position in the top ten.

Amane had a good memory and learned new things easily, so he counted himself lucky

that he could keep up his grades without working too hard. After that, he just had to

keep raising the bar.

The problem was going to be exercise.

Amane wished he had some sort of athletic prowess, like Yuuta for example. But he

was just average. If anything, he was a bit of a bookworm, so he wasn't expecting to

accomplish anything amazing.

He'd been exercising in order to look better, even just a little, and to improve his health

and self-confidence. However, he had been focusing on physical fitness and not doing

the sort of training that one needed to excel at any particular sport.

Amane was feeling down about himself, musing that if only he were a bit more athletic,

he might be able to play a more active role in the following month's Sports Day events.

"Leaving aside what just happened, I'm going to do my best and proceed at my own

pace, so please don't rush me too much."

"Okay, if that's what you really want," Yuuta agreed. "But… we're getting impatient

watching you, you know."

Itsuki grinned. "Speaking of which, when do we convene the next meeting of the 'kick

Amane's butt into gear' club?"

Amane's cheek twitched at the idea that the two of them were planning something.

"Seriously, what have you guys got up your sleeves?"

Yuuta only shrugged and smiled and said uneasily, "Look, we just mean that we're

rooting for you, so…"

Amane spent the whole day at school worrying about the true meaning behind

Mahiru's kiss. Then, after heading home, he waited for her in his apartment, growing

ever more anxious.

Mahiru had responded as soon as he messaged her asking if she was coming over, so

he knew she was on her way, but Amane felt quite nervous about it.

It would be their first time talking since the events of the day before, and the strain

was making Amane's heart and stomach ache.

He was practically writhing in pain on the sofa, too focused on the sound of the ticking

clock as he waited for her, when he finally heard the lock in his front door turn.

Amane felt himself jump at the noise, but he knew that if he showed any agitation,

Mahiru would get agitated, too. They wouldn't be able to talk, so he did what he could

to suppress his nervousness. Taking deep breaths, Amane waited for her to approach,

and eventually, she appeared before him.

Though he felt somewhat hesitant, he looked up and saw Mahiru, who had changed

into her regular clothes, standing there as always… no, standing there with slightly

pink cheeks, as her eyes darted around nervously.

"…Um, I'm sorry about yesterday," she said. "About leaving before dinner."

"Oh, no, I'm not worried about that, so…," he answered awkwardly.

With stiff movements, like a machine that needed oil, Mahiru took a seat beside him

on the sofa.

Even though she sat next to him like usual, he noticed that she was sitting on the very

edge of the couch, as if trying to keep her distance from Amane, and hugging a cushion.

She looked as uncomfortable as he felt.

It was a little lonely to have her so far away after he'd gotten used to her sitting right

beside him, but on the other hand, he felt relieved to have some distance between

them.

"So about that thing… the thing that happened yesterday…"

After a brief silence, Mahiru broached the topic hesitantly, shaking so much that her

long flaxen hair formed undulating waves of gold.

"…Uhh, M-Mahiru… why, why did you do that?"

Amane knew he was being vague, but he was too nervous to ask the question he really

wanted to ask, so he tried to probe indirectly.

In response to Amane's timid inquiry, Mahiru pursed her lips and looked at him. Her

eyes were cloudy, and she looked dissatisfied, and then began to speak slowly.

"I—I just got caught up in the moment. Or maybe… it was revenge."

"Revenge?"

"I mean, you're the one who started it, aren't you?"

"A-ah, well, maybe that's true, but…"

The big difference was that he hadn't gone all the way, whereas Mahiru had actually

kissed him. But Amane was worried she might retreat if he pointed that out, so he

swallowed his words.

"Well then, I had the right to do it, too, didn't I?"

"…That's not the issue. Um…"

Are you glad that you kissed me, even if it was on the cheek?

If he could only have asked her directly, his worries would have ended right there.

He knew for certain that Mahiru hadn't avoided the… thing he'd almost done. That she

didn't hate the thought of kissing him, either.

The only piece of information missing was how she really felt about it.

It was not impossible for Amane to guess what the answer might be. Only, he was

afraid of outright rejection and couldn't bring himself to ask.

I'm so pathetic.

As Amane groaned to himself about how sad and hopeless he felt, he noticed that

Mahiru was blushing faintly. She saw him looking and stared right back at him.

"What is it?" she asked.

"…Nothing," was his only response.

Then Amane turned away so that he couldn't see her anymore.