120. Resident Competition part 3

Residents' Competition - Day Eleven

Meredith released a tired sigh as she turned off the lukewarm water in the residents' shower. The water temperature was always inconsistent, which she especially despised on a day like today where she really needed a hot shower. She had been up all night working without a single moment to rest. Her body was exhausted, but she needed the points. She had hoped a hot shower would wake her up.

Stifling a yawn, she wrapped a towel around her tired body and stepped into the lounge to get dressed. The lounge was, thankfully, empty. She hurriedly dried off and pulled on fresh underwear and a top, courtesy of her amazing husband who had not only brought her clothes at the beginning of the contest, but had taken home dirty clothes on two occasions to do laundry for her.

She honestly didn't know what she'd do without him.

After pulling fresh scrubs on, she put her damp hair up with the towel and sat on the bench to put her sneakers back on. Everything ached. The competition was gruelling and was starting to take its toll on her. She'd never been so exhausted. Every cell in her body was tired, it seemed.

When she finished tying her shoes she went to stand up, but stopped and sat back down on the bench. She buried her head in her hands and granted herself five minutes to sit and feel sorry for herself. She was tired and sore and wanted to go home.

She missed her home. She missed sleeping next to her husband. She missed their warm, comfortable bed. The on-call rooms were cold and the beds hard. She missed hot showers and she missed being able to dress without worrying about her prying eyes, other than Derek's, of course, though that she didn't mind his at all. She missed eating real food on a relatively regular schedule. She missed Derek's cooking. She missed Derek's teasing comments when she offered to help him cook.

She missed feeling like a human being.

"Just three more days," she muttered to herself. It would be so easy to just give up and go home now, but she had made it eleven days. She couldn't give up now.

With a sigh, she stood, wincing as her sore feet cried out that they really didn't want to support her right now. Ignoring the pain, she snatched her pager from her cubby and returned it to her waistband. She pulled the towel off her head and put her hair up into a pony tail. She then pulled her lab coat on over her scrubs and patted the right pocket. It was still there.

Meredith had been carrying around Dr. Wyatt's card for a day. Despite its small size, it felt heavy in the pocket of her lab coat. She had yet to make an appointment, but she felt better about herself for taking that first step. She had once read a study that found the act of going to therapy made people feel better, so she wondered if the same was true for thinking about going to therapy.

She had read the pamphlet given to her in the counselling department. It offered the promise of hope and support. It briefly described the six psychiatrists on staff, their education, specialties and experience. Dr. Wyatt's bio had made Meredith feel confident about the referral. She had gone to a good school and had several years of experience.

The pamphlet had also outlined the costs and payment options. When she was sure no one was looking, Meredith had used a hospital computer to check the Human Resources website for the hospital and found that her insurance covered twenty sessions.

She hoped she would need to use far less than twenty.

But to use any at all, she would have to make an appointment.

'Soon,' she told herself as she left the lounge.

After a week and a half, the scores were starting to spread out a bit. The rankings weren't changing several times daily like they had been in the first week. Cristina was leading, not that that was a surprise to anyone. Meredith and George were close to each other, within range to Cristina, but not within a point or two. Alex and Izzie were a dozen points or so behind them.

Meredith had been hoping to get some sleep the night before, stay up the next night working, sleep the following night and then power through the last two days. Unfortunately, she'd been up all the previous night, so her plan was off. If she slept through the coming night, she would have three days in front of her to get through, and she knew she wouldn't be able to do that when her body was already so strained by the competition.

She'd need a new strategy.

Letting herself out of the lounge, her internal strategizing was interrupted when her pager went off. She glanced at the small screen, praying it wasn't a trauma because she really just didn't have the energy to deal with that right now.

It wasn't a trauma.

She smiled at the words scrolling across her pager. Derek was paging her to his office.

It seemed like it had been days since she had seen him. They'd shared thirty seconds together that morning before she'd been paged. And about the same amount of time the day before. Before that, she couldn't even remember.

She hurried up to his office and let herself in.

Derek looked up from his desk and offered her a warm smile. "Hey, I wasn't sure if you were in surgery."

"Got out an hour ago. I finally escaped to have a shower."

"How are you feeling?"

"A little more human after the shower, but still exhausted." She walked around his desk to kiss him.

He hooked his arms around her and pulled her down so she sat sideways across his lap.

She didn't resist at all, simply let him pull her close. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"It's been a busy few days."

She nodded against him, not even bothering to open her eyes.

"Have you gotten any sleep?"

"Not last night. A little the night before."

He rubbed her back. "Just three more days."

"That's what I've been telling myself all morning."

He chuckled. "Not having any fun anymore?"

"No," she said flatly. "I hate this competition. I've had enough. I want to go home. I miss our condo. I miss our bed. I miss hot showers."

"I know you do. But you're doing amazing. And you're in the home stretch," he encouraged, ever her biggest cheerleader.

She sighed. "Can I stay here for a few minutes? I just need to..." She trailed off, uncertain of the words.

He tightened his arms around her. "You can stay as long as you need." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm proud of you. It's all going to be worth it when you win."

"You have a lot of faith in me winning."

"Why wouldn't I? You're the best resident in the hospital."

She laughed at that. "And you're biased."

"Maybe so, but that doesn't mean it isn't true."

She snuggled a little closer. "I like that you have faith in me."

He rested his chin on her head and sighed. "Always."

Meredith smiled to herself as she felt his warmth and closeness penetrate her body. She'd been cold all day, and her barely warm shower hadn't helped at all. But now she felt warm. He always made her feel warm. And safe. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too, Mer," he whispered back.

She decided in that moment that she would make the appointment that day. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she couldn't risk losing him. She would go to therapy and get rid of her insecurities.

The card was sitting there in her pocket. She debated pulling it out and showing him, but decided not to, not wanting to ruin the moment. She would go to the first appointment and see what it was like before she told him.

Day Twelve

"So, what brings you here?" Dr. Wyatt prompted after several minutes of silence. She had been friendly and welcoming when Meredith had arrived for her first foray into therapy. She had welcomed Meredith and offered her a drink before ushering her to a very comfortable couch with several colourful cushions. Dr. Wyatt had sat across from her on a well used chair, notepad in hand, expectant.

Meredith had avoided her gaze as she took in the room. A slightly cluttered desk sat in the corner, and several diplomas hung on the walls, but the room itself was very comfortable. Very colourful. Not at all what Meredith had expected. Her gaze had caught on a large fish tank across the room and stayed there until Dr. Wyatt's question.

She tore her eyes from the fish and met Dr. Wyatt's. "I...I'm not sure how to describe it. I'm not really sure I need to be here. I don't think I need therapy, but I need to do...something. So, maybe you could just tell me what I need to do?"

Dr. Wyatt offered her a warm smile. "Why don't you tell me what made you make an appointment and we'll go from there?"

Meredith opened her mouth, but nothing came out. How do you verbalize unwanted and inconsistent fears that flared up randomly, caused nightmares, made her over reactive and anxious to odd things and made her fear for her future abilities? She allowed her gaze to go back to the fish tank.

She hadn't particularly enjoyed her psychiatric clerkship in medical school, but she had learned that often the first response of the therapist was to go back to childhood.

She didn't want to talk about her childhood. She was over it. She needed to come up with the right way to explain that would keep the conversation on the present. She just needed some psych tricks.

Dr. Wyatt allowed her a minute or two before speaking again. "We don't have to focus on that right now. Let's start with you. Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself so I can get to know you?"

Meredith looked back at the therapist. "You probably know a lot from my hospital chart."

"I haven't read your chart. I'd rather get to know you from talking to you, not from reading a chart. If I feel it's necessary in the future, I will read it, but for now, I'd rather hear it from you."

Meredith released a breath, not knowing where to start.

"Dr. Meredith Grey-Shepherd," Wyatt prompted, "What would you like me to call you?"

That was an easy question. "Meredith is fine."

"And taking into account your title and the fact that you're sitting here wearing scrubs, I can only assume you work here."

Meredith smiled. Another easy question. "I'm a second year surgical resident."

Wyatt nodded and jotted down that information. "Enjoying the program?"

"For the most part. I'm in this competition right now, two weeks straight, so I'm a little exhausted."

"Yes, I've heard rumours of the competition. How are you doing?"

"I'm in second."

"That's good."

Meredith nodded.

"So, with this competition it's important to be on the floor as much as possible."

Again, Meredith nodded.

"That would mean whatever the reason you made this appointment is pretty important."

She was good, Meredith thought. She'd made Meredith walk right into that one. "I guess."

Wyatt paused for a moment before letting it go. "So, second year. Any ideas yet about a specialty?"

"A few. Neuro, maybe. Or general."

"Both good areas. I did a surgical clerkship once upon a time and it was fascinating."

Meredith nodded. "We aren't allowed to specialize until fourth year, so I still have time to decide." She didn't know why she felt a sudden jolt of defensiveness.

"Of course. It's a big decision; not something you want to jump into."

Meredith felt the defensiveness wash away.

"How do you get along with the other residents? As competitive as I hear?"

"It's definitely competitive, but I've made some really good friends. Four of the residents and I had the same resident when we were interns. We're all pretty close."

"That's good. Are you friends outside the hospital?"

"Yes. I actually used to live with most of them."

"Used to?"

"I moved out after I got married."

Wyatt offered her a smile. "You got married recently?"

"Five months ago."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"What's your husband like?"

"He's pretty amazing," she said, feeling a smile tug at her lips.

"Tell me about him."

"His name is Derek. Derek Shepherd. He works here, too."

Dr. Wyatt nodded in recognition.

"He's been really supportive of my crazy hours at work. And he's really thoughtful. And caring. He's really good with patients."

"How does he feel about you coming here?"

Meredith looked to the fish tank again. She wasn't exactly sure why she hadn't told Derek about any of this. Part of her wanted desperately to share and to see what he thought of it, but the other part wasn't so sure. She didn't want him to know she needed therapy. He had so much faith in her that she didn't want him to see how weak she really was.

"You haven't told him?"

Meredith shook her head.

"Why not?"

Meredith shrugged. "I guess I want to make sure I need to be here before I tell him."

"Do you think he would disapprove?"

"No." He would be supportive, just like he was for everything. But how long until he realized it was always him being supportive? How long until he had had enough waiting for their life to start? He'd already let her set the pace as their relationship had developed because she had been new to the whole concept. And he was so patient now with her schedule at work. He didn't need her to heap more onto the pile.

"Are you worried he'll think less of you?"

Again, she shrugged.

"Meredith?" Wyatt prompted.

Meredith turned back to her. "I don't know, okay?" She snapped.

Wyatt paused for a moment before nodding slowly. "Okay."

Meredith sighed and crossed her arms over her abdomen. She didn't want to be here anymore. This didn't seem at all productive. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe she didn't need any help.

"Are you from Seattle?"

"Sort of."

Wyatt met her eyes, but said nothing. She just waited.

Meredith quickly became uncomfortable with the silence and continued. "I was born here. My mom and I moved to Boston when I was five. I came back last year for this job."

"Just you and your mom moved?"

And there it was. "Yes," she said flatly, but did not offer any more information. She did not want to talk about Boston or her mother or her parents' divorce or...anything related to her childhood. She didn't need to. It wasn't relevant.

"And what about your father?"

Another topic she didn't want to discuss. "He stayed here."

She waited for the 'And how did that make you feel?' question, but it didn't come.

"Where did you go to school?"

"Dartmouth."

"That's a good school. Did you enjoy it?"

"I guess."

Wyatt frowned slightly and wrote a few things down.

"Do you have any interests outside the hospital?"

"Not really. Too busy here."

"Of course. Surgical residency is gruelling."

"Mmm-hmm," Meredith agreed.

"What are your plans for the future? Do you want to keep working here? Or maybe go back to Boston?"

"I like it here."

"And Derek? He likes it here?"

"Yes."

"What if you got an offer somewhere else, something you couldn't refuse?"

Meredith wasn't sure why this question was relevant, but she answered anyway. "We've talked about it. We'd go anywhere as long as there was a job for both of us."

Wyatt nodded and made a note.

"Is Derek from Seattle?"

"New York. He started the same day I did."

"Were you together before you moved here? Boston and New York aren't too far away."

"No, we met in Seattle. Just coincidence that we started the same day." She didn't mention that they hadn't met at work, but at the bar across from the hospital. She felt that the therapist probably wouldn't draw the right conclusions about their relationship if Meredith told her.

"What's his family like? Do you get along with them?"

"We get along well," she said, allowing a small smile to grace her lips. It was one thing she had to be proud of. She was capable of doing the family thing with the Shepherds. "He has a big family. Five sisters, who are all married with kids."

"That's a big family. Are you planning on having kids, too?"

"One day." She didn't say anything more and Wyatt didn't ask.

"It sounds like you have a good life."

Meredith nodded. She had more now than she would ever have so much as dreamed of only a year and a half ago. She had a career, a husband, good friends and a really nice place to live that felt like home.

"But something has driven you to come here."

Meredith looked to the fish tank. She didn't know what to say.

"Meredith," Wyatt said softly, "I want to help. You have to give me something to go on."

Meredith closed her eyes for a long moment. She didn't like talking about herself. It had taken a lot for her to open up to Derek. It had taken a lot of time, trust and love. She didn't know Wyatt. She definitely didn't trust her. And the last thing she wanted to do was open herself up to a stranger.

"Meredith?"

She opened her eyes and turned her attention back to Wyatt. "I don't know if I need to be here," she said, repeating what she had first said. "I don't know if it will help."

"It can't hurt. Look, I want to help. And I can help. Anything you tell me is confidential. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so let's just start at the beginning."

"I don't want to talk about my childhood," she said quickly. "I don't want to talk about my parents."

"Okay," Wyatt agreed. "That wasn't actually the beginning I was referring to. What brought you here today?"

"I have some...issues. I think. I don't know..." She trailed off for a moment. "I'm fine most of the time, but then something will happen and I just..."

"Why don't you give me an example?"

"I agreed to this competition without really understanding that it would be two weeks straight, nights and everything. And it took me two days to tell Derek because I was afraid he'd be mad that I didn't talk to him first. It affects us, so I should have talked to him first."

"Was he upset?"

"No. He understood. In fact, he'd known the whole time. He was a surgical resident once, too, so he gets it. He said he wants me to compete and whatever."

"That's good of him. You seem to have a strong relationship."

"We do," she said, knowing it was the truth.

Wyatt made some notes. "Any other examples?"

"Last month Derek's friend spread a rumour that I was pregnant. Derek had played a practical joke on him, and he didn't think before he retaliated. I'm not mad, but the rumour... People were really cruel. Derek and I...sort of eloped. We were engaged and we went on vacation, and we got married while on vacation. We hadn't planned it ahead of time, but it was right for us. So, even though it was four months later, people were taking bets on whether we'd found out I was pregnant and that's why we'd gotten married. They thought I had trapped him or whatever. It was like no one thought I was good enough for him."

"And how did you react to this?"

"I was hurt. Really hurt. He's an attending, and we were basically together through my whole internship, which I get looks bad, but we were never... It was never some cheap thing. And I knew that some people looked down on us, but I never realised how many people. And I never realized it was more than just the intern-attending thing." She sighed. "I was really upset, like way more than necessary. And mean. I yelled at Mark, said some really mean things. But it wasn't his fault, really. I mean, he started the rumour, but it wasn't his fault people took it where they did."

"How did the people closest to you react?"

"My friends knew the truth. My Chief Resident – she was my resident when I was an intern – told me to stop moping over hospital gossip and remember who I am. That...helped."

"Do you have a good relationship with your Chief Resident?"

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith supplied, "And...I guess. She's always been my immediate boss, so we're not friends exactly, but she's always been good to me."

"You sound like you look up to her."

"I do...I did. I don't know. She was always the person I looked to as a role model, I guess."

"You say that in past tense."

Meredith sighed. "I saw her as a good surgeon with a husband and a son at home. I thought she was doing it all."

"But..."

"But then her son was in an accident, almost a month ago, and her husband was here." She sighed. "They're getting a divorce because she was too focussed on surgery."

"So, you realized your role model wasn't what you thought."

"I guess."

"Are you afraid you're going to follow the same path?"

"I don't know." Yes, desperately.

"Have you shared these fears with your husband?"

Meredith's pager went off, cutting her off before she could begin. She pulled it off her waistband to read the small screen. "I have to go," she told Wyatt. "My surgery was moved up."

"Okay. Why don't we meet tomorrow? I have an opening at two."

She wasn't sure if she wanted to meet again, but she didn't have time to argue, so she simply agreed and hurried out of the room.

Day Thirteen

Meredith sighed as she felt her breathing slow back down to normal, her heartbeat following suit. Behind her bare back, she could feel Derek's heartbeat through his chest. She smiled at the intimacy.

When she had caught his arm as he walked by and dragged him into the on call-room, she had meant to talk to him, to tell him. After getting several hours of sleep the night before, she felt more human than she had in days. She had decided early that morning that she was going to tell him. But the moment the on-call room door was shut behind them, her throat shut as well. The words just wouldn't come out. Derek, I'm in therapy. Derek, I'm way more screwed up than even I thought. Derek, I'm sorry you married an insecure freak.

His amused look at being dragged into the room quickly morphed into concern at her silence.

She had pressed her lips to his on instinct, knowing she wouldn't be able to not answer his questions if he had the opportunity to ask them, but also knowing she wasn't ready to answer them. That had led to the two of them lying naked together on the small on-call room bed, their clothes in a heap together on the floor.

She knew it was probably after 2PM now – her second scheduled appointment with Dr. Wyatt – but she couldn't bring herself to care. Nothing was more therapeutic than being in her husband's arms.

Nothing.

It made her feel so safe. She could let her mind wander in these moments, because nothing was as scary and everything was better.

Her sessions the day before had been intimidating, but she was surprised to realize now that it threatened her on two levels. One, she had said a lot. Not normally one to give up much personal details about herself to someone she was close to, let alone a stranger, she had said far more than she would have expected, and she wasn't sure how she felt about Wyatt knowing so much about her. This feeling, though, she understood and even expected. The second, however, was unexpected, because despite feeling exposed, she was proud of herself for taking these steps and she felt hopeful. Because for the first time she was doing something by herself and without anyone to lean on to help her.

She was jumping off the cliff by herself.

She didn't need a role model to prove therapy could work. And she didn't need Derek to hold her hand. And she didn't need her friends' approval. She had made this decision by herself and she had said things to Wyatt and she was going to get better.

Derek shifted behind her. His hot breath hit the back of her neck before she felt his lips against her skin. "I just wanted to say that you can drag me out of the hall whenever you want if this is the result."

She giggled and pulled his arm tighter around herself. "It was kind of a spur of the moment thing."

"Well, we should make it a daily thing."

"It pretty much is a daily thing with us." She faltered for a moment. "Well, other than these past two weeks."

"We'll just have to make up for it."

"Okay," she agreed easily, not that she had to think about it. "I want to thank you, Derek. These past two weeks have kind of sucked, but you've made it better. And you haven't made me feel bad once."

He kissed the back of her neck again. "Are you having the dark and twisties again?"

She smiled as any ounce of anxiety she may have had left lifted away. He was so good. "Not anymore."

"Good." He hugged her tighter. "I just want you to be happy."

Her heart tugged at his gentle tone. She didn't want to make him think she wasn't happy by telling him about the therapy. She would tell him, just not now. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too."

Day Fourteen

"You're late again," Wyatt stated when she opened the door to let Meredith into the room. She had been half an hour late the day before, due to spending time with Derek in the on-call room, though she had told Wyatt she had been stuck with a patient.

"Sorry," Meredith said. "I've got this patient who was attacked by a bear. I actually have him lined up for an MRI because I just know he has a brain tumour. They're going to page me when it's ready."

Wyatt frowned, but accepted Meredith prepared excuse for why she wouldn't be able to stay for long.

Meredith plopped herself down onto the couch. It was the last day of the contest and she couldn't wait to finally be able to go home. Derek had promised to take her out for a victory dinner that night, and she was looking forward to a non-cafeteria meal, regardless of whether she won or not.

Not that she didn't want to win.

"How is the contest going?" Wyatt asked as she sat onto her chair across from Meredith.

"Once I diagnose my bear attack guy with a brain tumour and get my eighty points for solving a medical mystery, there's no way anyone could beat me."

Wyatt sighed in that way that told Meredith she wasn't entirely amused with her statement. "What makes you think he has a brain tumour?" It had become normal that she start sessions by easing Meredith into talking. Meredith recognized what she was doing, but she didn't make any moves to stop it. She recognized that she wouldn't be able to just jump in, so she allowed Wyatt to ask the easy questions.

"He provoked a bear and married his rebound girl."

"Care to explain that a little more? I'm no surgeon, but I did go to medical school. I don't remember provoking bears or marrying a rebound girl as symptoms of brain tumours."

"No, but impulsivity and spontaneity are symptoms. He touched a cub, even thought he knew better, and he got married after knowing her for ten days. No one does that."

Wyatt frowned and made some notes on her pad of paper. "Do you think it's a little unreasonable that you find out someone got married after ten days and you jump to brain tumour?"

"He also has limited peripheral vision, and very small and illegible handwriting," she said defensively.

"Which symptom first caught your attention?"

Meredith felt her brow furrow. "Well, I guess the marriage thing. But that was after I knew about the bear thing, so together..." She trailed off, meeting Wyatt's gaze. "This isn't about me," she said defensively. "I know I got married on the spur of the moment, too, but it's not the same."

"How is it different?"

"It's... I..." She huffed. "It just is."

"Tell me how it's different."

Meredith crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you saying I'm not good at my job?"

Wyatt let her notepad drop onto her knees as she met Meredith's gaze. "I'm sure you're very competent, Meredith. And your patient may have a brain tumour, but just because you may be right doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to tell me why this particular symptom first caught your notice."

Meredith sighed, but kept her arms crossed. "I don't know. It just seemed...strange. He was too happy."

"Okay, that's a good start. Is being too happy bad?"

"No. It's just not real."

"Do you ever think you're too happy?"

She shook her head. "No. I mean, I am happy a lot, now. Derek makes me happy. And my friends make me happy. And my job, usually, anyway. But I'm not happy all the time. I'm not able to be outwardly happy with my wife when I have literal holes in my hand from a bear cub's teeth and my brother was eviscerated by its mother."

"That's reasonable. Do you think it's possible not to be outwardly happy, but to remain generally happy with your life even when something really bad happens?"

Meredith considered the question. "I..." It wasn't easy to answer. "I don't know," she said finally.

"Why don't you know?"

"I'm not sure," she said truthfully.

"Okay." Wyatt picked up her discarded pad of paper and made some notes. "You said you were happy. Tell me about that."

"I guess I feel safe," she said. "And loved. And that's...nice."

"You said before that you were happy now. What's different between then and now?"

"Everything."

"Care to go into some detail?"

"I have a husband. I have friends. I have a job that I'm good at. I have a home. I'm...happy." She loved and was loved. She had learned to let people in. She had learned to experience intimacy and trust. She was able to look into the future and see something.

"And when something bad happens, say when your Chief Resident's son was injured, what happens?"

"I freak out," she said. "I nose dive, or whatever."

"But are you still happy with your life?"

"I...yes," she said, thinking back to the day Tucker was hurt. Derek had been there. And her friends. They had stuck around Bailey for support. She had been grateful to be able to do something to help. And she had been grateful for Derek. She'd gone to him for comfort and he'd given it to her.

"Is it possible that you don't know how to be secure in your life and deal with a trauma at the same time? Is it possible you don't believe it's possible to be both at the same time, and yet you're feeling both at the same time and don't know how to deal with those feelings?"

Wyatt's words hit home. 'Maybe nothing has changed,' Izzie had said to her five months earlier on a balcony in Hawaii as Meredith had struggled to understand why she had run from Derek after Cristina's failed marriage attempt, 'Maybe that's why you can't figure it out.' At the time, it had pushed Meredith in the right direction to eventually get on a plane and get herself to Derek in New York, but she hadn't stopped much afterwards to consider her actions. She tried to explain to Derek, who forgave her easily. And then they got married and she didn't think of it again.

Now she saw what happened with Bailey as a simple repeat of five months ago. She'd put too much weight in needing a role model, and was shattered when the role model's life didn't turn out as Meredith had wanted. Had needed.

She needed to stop doing that. She needed to stop needing a role model.

Life wasn't perfect, but she was happy. Not all the time, but overall, she was happy.

And maybe Wyatt was right. Maybe she didn't know how to be both.

But she wanted to learn.

Meredith released a heavy sigh, suddenly certain she was going to meet that twenty session maximum with her insurance. "How do I fix it?"

Wyatt opened her mother to respond, but Meredith's pager cut her off.

"My patient's MRI is about to start," Meredith announced as she glanced at her pager.

"Meredith, I really need for you to stay for this session."

"I have to go diagnose a brain tumour and win my contest." She stood and made her way to the door before she paused and turned back. "But I will come back, after the contest. And I will try my best to stay for an entire session."

Wyatt offered her a wry smile. "And be on time?"

She smiled back. "I'll try."

Hours later, after she had diagnosed her medical mystery, referred her patient to a new clinical trial for malignant gliomas that she found online, won the contest and was awarded a sparkle pager that allowed her to take Cristina's, Alex's, George's and Izzie's surgeries for the next month, and had a shower, Meredith finally pulled on clothes that weren't scrubs and left the Residents' Lounge knowing she didn't have to be back for more than thirty-six hours. The following day was Thanksgiving and she and Derek had booked it off months ago. She was grateful Bailey scheduled the contest to end before Thanksgiving, because she had been looking forward to the holiday for weeks.

At first they had talked about having everyone who wasn't working over for dinner, but in the end they decided to celebrate the holiday in their new home, just the two of them. It was their first major holiday as a married couple, after all.

Derek's name was listed on the OR Board, but for a procedure that should have finished by now, even if there had been complications. It was late, and as the next day was a holiday with no scheduled procedures, she assumed that no one had had a chance to erase it yet.

She was right. She only made it half way to the OR floor to look for her husband when he appeared in front of her down the hall.

The moment he turned the corner and met her eyes, he smiled.

"Well?" He asked as she got closer.

She smiled slyly at him before pulling the sparkle pager out of her pocket. "I won!"

He laughed as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her in one swooping motion, going so far as to lift her feet off the ground. She didn't even care that they were in the middle of the hospital and people were probably watching them.

"I told you!"

She laughed. "You were right."

He set her feet down onto the floor and then kissed her. "You're amazing. The brain tumour put you over the top?"

She nodded. "Eighty points."

He beamed at her.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head, though the smile didn't so much as fade a bit, "I'm just so freaking proud of you."

She couldn't help but smile back at him; a big, manic smile that almost hurt her cheeks. "I can't believe it's over."

"I told you we'd be having a victory dinner out tonight." He paused as he considered her. "Unless you just want to go home and sleep? You must be exhausted." His eyes narrowed slightly as he met her gaze, his own filled with both hope that she would say yes and understanding if she needed to say no.

She was exhausted. Every single cell in her body was exhausted. But his enthusiasm was contagious. They both needed this. "Are you kidding? I want the victory champagne you promised me."

"Victory champagne it is."

"And cheesecake."

He laughed. "And cheesecake."

AN: I worked hard to make sure certain points come across clearly in this chapter, both in therapy and out. I think one of Meredith's biggest issues in the show was trust, and in this universe she and Derek were able to build a secure relationship pre-therapy because he never gave her reason not to trust him. But her past is still the same. She's never done this before and she's not always confident she's doing it well. This is why I had to stick to Susan's storyline at the end of S3 (which I hated doing) and have Meredith run off with Izzie and Cristina to Hawaii, even if the running was short lived. It was why Meredith had to react so strongly to Bailey's situation.

Meredith is doing all the things she never expected to be doing, and she's struggling because she's a partner in a marriage, but doesn't always feel capable of being an equal partner (an issue I've brought up a few times throughout this fic – Chapter 20 being the most prominent). But she is going to figure things out, and Derek is going to be there for her. He's got a history as well, remember, of always trying to be the strong one, so he needs to learn that his wife needs something different from him now. He's going to want desperately to help, but he needs to learn/understand that she needs to do this herself.

I really want to thank everyone who read the first chapter, whether it be four years ago or recently, and is still reading now, 120 chapters later. I'm still not sure of where I'm going to end it, but I'm pretty sure I've decided on the how.

Lastly, I'm way behind on responding to reviews (SORRY!), but I read and appreciate every single one. I plan on answering a few repetitive questions in the AN of the next chapter, so if you have any questions you want addressed, let me know.