68. Chapter 68

AR: So sorry about my unscheduled 'hiatus' from writing. I very unexpectedly got a really great job offer, that had me moving to a town six hours away on very short notice. AND kept me internet-free for about a month...seriously, lugging my laptop to Starbucks once a week to check my e-mail sucked. I did my best to keep up with my writing, but because I knew I wouldn't be posting right away, I wasn't polishing/reviewing as I went. SO, this chapter is finished, and the next chapter, along with subsequent chapters to HWA and OIF should be up within the week.

**

After leading his still-strange-acting girlfriend to the car and watching her fidget out of the corner of his eye as he drove them across the city to the small Italian restaurant they had discovered months earlier, Derek still had no idea what was going on in her mind.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked as he pulled his car into an empty parking space next to the restaurant.

"I'm fine."

"That's good. Although, you don't look fine. And you're acting funny."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are," he countered.

"I'm not," she repeated. "I'm fine. I'm just...whatever."

"Helpful," he muttered under his breath as he stepped out of the car.

She met him in front of the car, her face a myriad of emotions he wasn't used to seeing behind her eyes. Trust and love and that quiet contentment that had slowly been developing were still there, but overshadowed by a pinched expression, her lower lip being squashed by her upper incisors and eyes that didn't seem able to keep trained on the same point for more than a second.

His heart clenched not only at the fact that he didn't know what was wrong, but that he should know what was wrong. She had brought him lunch and calmed him down before his interview, all the while recovering from the night before and preparing for her big surgery, and right now he couldn't even make whatever bad things she was feeling go away.

With a heavy sigh, he stepped into her space, his arms snaking around her waist and his forehead pressing up against hers. She gave into his presence, leaning into him, her small hands clutching to the fabric of his shirt.

"We don't have to go out tonight," he murmured. "We're both tired. We could celebrate tomorrow instead."

She shook her head quickly. "No. You have plans. Tonight is fine."

He swayed them side to side ever so slightly. "I don't have anything planned that can't be done tomorrow. At any restaurant. With any dress code."

A soft laugh escaped her mouth. "I know I overreacted a bit...but this is important. And we're only going to do this once. And I thought that you'd want...something different."

"You mean something a little more special?" He would love to taker her out somewhere special every time she made a noticeable advancement at work, but their hectic shifts just didn't allow for it.

"Yeah."

"Meredith...you're amazing. You're a natural. I worried that Mark asked you to do too much today, but you kicked ass. And I promise that once you've passed your intern exam I'm going to take you somewhere special and we'll celebrate for real. But I wasn't exactly left with much time to plan anything today."

Very slowly, she pulled her head away from him, her eyes no longer darting anxiously around but showing hints of disappointment and defeat. "Tonight was about...my surgery?"

"Of course." He cocked his head, still wondering what was going through her mind. "You were amazing; like you had performed a hundred bone grafts. And even though I would much prefer to see you in neuro than plastics, I still think we should celebrate."

She swallowed and nodded. "Celebrate. Surgery. Right."

Something was wrong. Nothing he was saying seemed to make her eyes light up. Had he missed something? Had there been a problem in her surgery? He had argued with the Chief in the gallery. Maybe he had missed a mistake? "Mer," he murmured. "What's wrong?"

A faint sheen misted across her eyes, but a forced smile appeared on her lips. "Nothing. I guess I'm just tired too."

"But-"

"I'm not a hundred percent yet," she reminded. "I guess getting back to full shifts is taking more out of me than I expected."

As with any reminder of her accident, he felt a wave of gratefulness wash over him. She was still here. It was enough to push all of his own frustrations away and hug her for real, stilling any movement and pulling her body close against his. "I'm sorry it's not easier yet," he whispered. "And I'm sorry I can't do more for you. But I'm here, for whatever you need. I'm here."

She sniffed, hugging him back a little too desperately, like she was trying to take extra comfort from him.

Derek closed his eyes and lost himself in the feeling of having her in his arms. She was living and breathing and warm, and he couldn't help but remember how close he had been to losing her. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was why she was acting funny. Maybe she too was being reminded of the future they had almost lost. Maybe she just wanted for them to make everything perfect now that they were settling back into a routine.

"I love you so much," he whispered into her hair.

She clutched a little tighter to him. "I love you too."

He pulled away just far enough to meet her eyes, and then he kissed her, long and hard, reminding them both just how alive and well she was.

"Now," he began after he had pulled away, "Are you still up to a bite to eat?"

She sighed and nodded, and allowed him to lead her inside. They engaged in their usual banter as they waited to be served, but he could tell she wasn't putting much effort into it. When their food came, he toasted to her success, but her eyes pinched ever so slightly. And when she declined dessert and he asked her if everything was okay, she offered him a too-forced smile and said everything was fine, despite the fact that her eyes still shone with disappointment.

When they arrived home, Derek announced he was going to have a shower, and was disappointed he was not met with a smirk and an offer to keep him company. She had her own shower after his, and he couldn't help but notice it took longer than usual. When she re-entered the bedroom she pulled on a sleep shirt and kissed him goodnight as she joined him in bed. He wondered why she was avoiding his gaze until he caught sight of the redness behind her eyes.

He wanted to ask her what was wrong, if she had been crying; but she turned away from him and pressed her back against his chest. Fingers from both hands threaded through his and she clutched to him until she fell asleep.

Derek sighed into the darkness, struggling to understand what had gone wrong. The last few weeks had been hell, but things were looking up. Sure, she was still tired, but he doubted that was enough to affect her so strongly. Her father had fleeted back into her life again, and he knew how much that affected her. He hated how the awkward man only made her feel inadequate and unloveable. Maybe the previous night's dinner had just pushed her over an edge. Or maybe it was something else.

**

Meredith was almost relieved when she was paged in early. Derek had been regarding her worriedly since the alarm had gone off, and she had been certain he was going to question her over breakfast. Her pager had gone off just as they were making their way down the stairs. She had shrugged and sent him an apologetic glance before turning back up the stairs to grab her purse. He had offered to go in early with her, but she had declined.

Last night had been...well, she wasn't sure what last night had been. Obviously she had gotten herself worked up for no reason. Neither she nor Derek had brought up anything to do with marriage since his desperate almost-proposal the week before. But when he had suddenly suggested they go out to dinner, she had assumed that meant he was going to propose. He had said he had a ring. And she had promised to say yes. And maybe it hadn't been that long since she had talked him down, but he had made it seem like he would be proposing soon.

With a heavy sigh, Meredith collapsed onto a gurney, dropping her monumental pile of charts down beside her. She had been on duty for several hours now, and had taken refuge in the basement in the hopes of avoiding her boyfriend for as long as possible. It wasn't that she didn't want to see him; it was that she wasn't sure what to say to him. He obviously knew something wasn't right. But how was she supposed to explain her disappointment? She wasn't exactly the kind of girl who grew up dreaming of the perfect proposal and the perfect ring and the perfect wedding to her prince charming. Weddings weren't really her thing, and she had never stopped to think about her idea of a perfect proposal. She wasn't even sure if she was an engagement ring wearing kind of person. But Derek kind of was prince charming; sometimes at least.

"You look like crap," Cristina's voice rang out.

Meredith opened her eyes to glare at her best friend. "Thanks," she said dryly. "What are you doing down here?"

Cristina shrugged and dropped onto the next gurney. "Avoiding Burke. And Marlow."

"Right."

"What are you doing down here?"

"Charts."

She rolled her eyes. "First of all, I may believe that if one of the charts was actually open. And second, there are a hundred more comfortable places to do charts."

With a heavy sigh, Meredith moved back on her gurney and leaned against the wall behind her. "I guess I'm avoiding too."

"What's McDreamy done this time?"

"Nothing."

"Sure."

"No, really. He hasn't done anything. And that's kind of the problem."

"You're going to have to be a little more specific here."

With a resigned sigh, Meredith shook her head. "I think I talked him out of proposing."

Cristina sent her a questioning glace, clearly caught by surprise at the topic.

With a look both ways down the tunnel to ensure their privacy, Meredith continued. "He was really clingy after my accident. I think he blamed himself. And when I finally convinced him to go back to work...well, he came home and kind of demanded we get married."

"Don't even get me started on marriage demands," Cristina scoffed. "Burke is being so childish right now-"

"Cristina," Meredith pleaded. She needed her best friend to understand.

"Sorry. Your problems first."

"He wanted us to get married that day."

"Good luck with that. You need a marriage license at least twenty-four hours before."

"Not in Vegas," she said, and then continued off of Cristina's look. "Yeah. He wanted us to go to Vegas and get married."

"He wanted to pull an O'Malley?"

"He was desperate," she continued, trying to make her understand. "It was like he thought if we didn't get married right away, we would never get the chance."

"So you told him he was crazy and said no."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I told him I couldn't say no if he actually asked. And I asked him to wait. Marriage shouldn't start like that, right?"

"Sure." Cristina shrugged. "What did he say?"

"He was disappointed, but he seemed to understand eventually. We would have regretted it eventually. And it wouldn't have fixed how we were both feeling. And now...I know it hasn't even been two weeks, but he hasn't said anything."

"Good. Trust me, Meredith I wish Burke hadn't said anything. This whole thing is just causing problems right now. He's mad at me about Marlow, but it's not my fault he's here."

"But I wanted to say yes, Cris," she admitted, ignoring Cristina's rant. It was how they worked. Tears she had been holding back since the previous night sprang to her eyes. "I wanted to say yes, but I knew it was wrong. And I thought that he understood. I thought that I made him understand that I wanted it, that I would say yes. But he hasn't said anything. No hints. No hiding any plans. Last night he took me out to dinner, and I thought...I thought maybe it was time, that he was going to ask. That's something he would do, right? He'd take me out to a restaurant and get down on one knee to embarrass me and say some stupid cheesy speech that sounds far too rehearsed."

"But he didn't."

She sniffed. "No. He was confused why I wanted to go home and change first. And then when we got there I found out that it was just to celebrate my bone harvest. And he promised to take me out somewhere special after the intern exam. But there was no mention of anything else. And he seriously sucks at keeping secrets." She drew a shaky breath as two more tears escaped from her eyes. "What if it was a one time offer? What if he doesn't want it anymore? I wanted to say yes, I did. But...what if I talked him out of marrying me?"

"But it was the wrong time," Cristina finished. "I get that. And he should get that. Seriously, I'm wishing I had told Burke to wait when he proposed. Maybe getting engaged after weeks of silence isn't such a good idea. I don't even know if I want to get married..."

"But I do. I want to marry him," she found herself whispering, almost as if saying it out loud would make it hurt more if she lost it. "I want to get married, but I don't know if he does anymore."

"Why don't you just ask?"

She closed her eyes. "Because I'm afraid of what he'll say."

"Meredith..."

"He was so messed up after the accident. And he had to take care of me. And the one thing he asked me to do for him, I said no to. Then, when I'm finally back to work and things are getting back to normal I drag him to dinner with Thatcher, even though his friend is in the hospital and almost died. And he had his interview yesterday and they questioned him about me. And I know I have him freaked out from last night." She sighed. "I'm being a terrible girlfriend, so why should he want me for a wife? What if I really did convince him not to ask?"

Cristina regarded her for a long moment. "The man loves you. It's pathetic, but it's true. And you know he's persistent. Remember how many times you said no to going out with him? I'm sure one no isn't going to stop him."

"But what if it does?"

"Did you get brain damage under water? You've turned into one of those girly girls that we don't like."

"I did not."

"We don't cry because our boyfriend's haven't proposed, Meredith. We don't cry ever."

"It's not about the proposal. I don't care about the how and the where and the words and all that crap. I just care that..."

"What?"

"I just want him to want to marry me. Things were so good before, but now..."

"It's only been a couple weeks. You're both still recovering. Give it some time."

"He was so certain. I'm just worried that he'll change his mind as time goes by. People do that; they change their mind about me."

Cristina scoffed. "This isn't about Derek. This is about your father."

"No, it isn't-"

"Yes, it is," she cut her off. "Your father is a jackass. End of story. It's his fault for having left you. And he doesn't deserve forgiveness. I thought we covered this the other night? Or did the alcohol make you forget?"

Meredith sighed. "He found it so easy to walk away from me; to replace me, even his memories of me. All the good ones he had he's now replaces me with Molly."

"And Derek's not anything like him."

"It's not just Thatcher. Everyone has changed their mind about me. My mother wanted me after the divorce for whatever reason, but she changed her mind right away. I wasn't worth staying around for."

Cristina furrowed her brow. "What do you mean?"

Meredith shook her head as she blinked away tears, forcing memories of her mother's suicide attempt out of her mind. "Never mind. The point is that neither of my parents wanted me after they knew me for a while. Along with every member of my family. And every other person I've ever met."

"What about me?"

"I've known you less than a year."

Cristina scoffed. "I hate most people, Mer. It would take too much effort to find another person. You're kind of stuck with me."

As much as she tried to laugh and make light of her best friend's comment, Meredith couldn't stop the tears that sprang to her eyes.

With a sigh, Cristina moved to sit beside her, their shoulders bumping together. "Seriously, Meredith, what's the matter with you?"

Meredith rested her head against Cristina's shoulder. "I died, Cris. I may have come back, but I still died. And things were supposed to be different. This was supposed to be my second chance...but I feel like I'm screwing everything up."

"It's only been a few weeks," Cristina reminded.

"And what have I done with it? I've let Susan drag me into some stupid relationship thing with Thatcher. Bailey is still sticking me on scut at every opportunity." She motioned to her pile of charts for effect. "And I've probably talked Derek out of wanting me."

"The last one is only a maybe," Cristina pointed out. "We don't know yet that it's probably."

Despite the dry tears on her cheeks, Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "Helpful, thanks."

"I do my best."

**

Derek was busily scrubbing out of his last surgery of the day when he was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that he was being watched. A quick turn of his head confirmed his suspicion. His girlfriend's best friend was standing on the other side of the door into the scrub room. He offered her a nod and polite smile, only to be left with...nothing. Cristina's face didn't even twitch.

He quickly finished rinsing and dried his hands.

"Dr. Yang," he greeted, as he stepped out of the scrub room. "Is there something I can do for you?"

She met his eyes evenly, searching for something for several seconds before speaking. "You love Meredith."

He wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement, but he responded anyway. "Yes."

"Do you still want to marry her?"

"Of course- What is this about?" He and Cristina rarely spoke, and she was suddenly questioning him about his intentions with her best friend. What was going on?

"See, this is exactly the problem. Men and their stupid issues. You people never even realize when you've screwed up."

"What exactly have I screwed up?"

Cristina continued to ignore him. "You live in your own little world and you don't realize what you do to us. Not everything is our fault!"

He held up a hand. "Cristina. I understand that you're finding it difficult with Marlow around. And trust me, I don't want him to stay any more than you do. But will you please tell me why you're yelling at me instead of Burke or Marlow?"

"You're screwing with Mer's head."

"What have I possibly done to-"

"She's thinks you don't want to marry her anymore."

Derek blinked. "What?" He shook his head. "What could possibly make her think I..." He trailed off as a wave of understanding washed over him. Everything made sense now; why she had wanted to dress up the night before, why she had been nervous. Why she had been disappointed. "Shit," he cursed. "I should have realized..."

"Yeah, you should have."

"I just thought we should celebrate her bone harvest. She's had so much stress lately; I wanted to give her some time to breathe."

"Everyone in her life so far has abandoned her. She has some stupid theory about how people change their minds about wanting her around."

Derek felt his heart clench. She had so much to offer, and yet so little confidence about it. "I never meant to give her that impression. Why wouldn't she just say something?"

"She's afraid to ask. I think having that dinner with her father screwed with her mind more than she realizes. The bastard doesn't deserve another chance."

Derek nodded. After their dinner together, he had wished Thatcher Grey had never re-entered Meredith's life. Meredith didn't deserve another reminder of her horrible childhood.

"And I told her I wouldn't say anything, but she's my person and you saved her life. So me telling you this makes us even."

"Where is she?" He demanded, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to find her.

"In the tunnels doing charts."

"Thank-you." He said, ending their conversation as he turned and headed for the stairs that would take him down to the basement.

AN: I would just like to take a moment to say I am NOT going in the direction the show went at this point. BUT Meredith does get hit with a number of things one after another, and she wouldn't be Meredith if these things had no effect on her at all. She almost lost her future, and after a delay (where she focussed more on Derek) things are hitting her harder. She's going to struggle on and off for the rest of this 'season' but I think you will all like where it takes her. (And Derek isn't going to hide away in the trailer when she needs him (and I'm referring to the season 3 hiding in the trailer, not the season 5 hiding...lol))