57. Chapter 57

The door opened behind him silently, but Derek felt the air of the room change, and turned to face whoever was entering the room.

"Cristina tells me she woke up?" Bailey stated more than asked.

Derek nodded. "Yeah. She was awake and talking for about five minutes."

Bailey stepped further into the trauma room, her eyes scanning the many monitors still attached to Meredith. "Was she aware of what happened?"

He nodded again. "She remembered the water," he whispered.

Miranda's hand came down on his shoulder, squeezing supportively. "She's alive, Derek, and right now, that's all that matters."

Derek turned to her, offering a smile. "Trust me, Miranda, I know that. I just...I wish she could have forgotten the water." He sighed, turning back to Meredith. "She must have been so scared," he whispered.

"You're right," she agreed. "But she'll get through it, Derek. I'm certain you'll be there for her."

He almost laughed aloud. "Of course I will."

"Good. Now, we're going to be moving her up to a room in the next hour. I just need to take some blood now, make sure everything is still functioning."

"I think she should have a head CT," he added, and then shook his head at her look. "I know I'm not her doctor, but I think it's important. And a chest x-ray, make sure none of her rib fractures have subluxed."

"If she has any rib fractures," she said warningly.

He swallowed hard. "She does."

"Derek, what did you just say about not being her doctor...?"

Meeting her eyes head on, he swallowed hard before speaking. "Trust me, Miranda, I gave her CPR for close to an hour. I..." he swallowed again. "I felt her ribs cracking under my hands."

She held his gaze for a long moment before nodding, hers eyes filled with empathy. And then she looked away, not enough for anyone watching them to notice, but enough for Derek to know she was no longer meeting his eyes head on. It was as if she was unable to allow herself to know what he had gone through, as if the memories and emotions could be transmitted through his gaze. "I'll schedule her for both tests first thing tomorrow morning. I doubt she'll be up to much tonight."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Thank you, Derek."

He was taken aback by her tone. "For what?"

"For saving her."

This time he did laugh aloud at her words. "Trust me, Miranda, I saved myself just as much as her. I can't live without here."

"Still... She's my intern, Derek. I'm responsible for her. I took her to that site."

"You had no idea this would happen."

"I was still responsible for teaching her, for making sure she would be safe."

"You didn't know she couldn't swim," he practically whispered.

Her eyes flashed at him as she shook her head and met his gaze again. "Derek Christopher Shepherd, you sound suspiciously like you're blaming yourself."

He blinked. "How do you know my middle name?"

"I know everything. Now stop avoiding the topic."

Derek sighed. "I knew she couldn't swim. I knew it, and...I promised to teach her. We planned on going away when she was done her internship, someplace with a beach." He shook his head. "I promised to teach her before we went. We were just waiting for it to be warmer first."

"Then how can you possibly be blaming yourself? You had no way of knowing this would happen, either."

"But I should have known it was a possibility. Knowing how to swim is important."

"That girl survived twenty-eight years without the skill, Derek."

He inadvertently let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, and that little run almost ended today."

Bailey sighed, returning her hand to his shoulder. "You can blame yourself for a little while," she agreed. "God knows I blamed myself for almost losing Tucker. If I hadn't been in labour, he never would have been rushing towards the hospital and gotten into an accident." She shook her head before he could add anything, could tell her how irrational that was. "But you need to pull yourself together, Derek. She needs you in one piece right now. She doesn't need to know that you blame yourself for some ridiculous reason." She knew her guilt was irrational, Derek realized. But he couldn't see his guilt the same way. It just seemed so rational.

"It's not ridiculous."

Bailey glared at him in a way only she could. "It is absolutely ridiculous, Derek. You saved that girl. You somehow found her in the water, and you got her here. The only thing you are responsible for today is the very real fact that she is alive. She. Is. Alive. Because of you, Derek. So, feel however you need to feel for a little while, because I know I won't be able to change your mind in one conversation. But don't make that girl feel guilty for making you feel guilty. Do you understand me? She needs some peace for right now."

Derek somehow managed a nod as he absorbed Bailey's orders.

"Good. Now, let me get some blood and then we'll have her transferred upstairs." She applied the tourniquet and turned to ready the syringe.

Meredith moaned lightly, her eyes fluttering as she lifted her arm. "...whatsgoin...on...?"

Derek squeezed her hand, drawing her eyes towards his. "Bailey needs to take some blood," he explained, realizing the movement and application of the elastic band around her arm had pulled her from her needed sleep.

She closed her eyes for a long moment, but when she reopened them they were clearer. Her nap had helped clear her mind. "...don't like needles."

He squeezed her hand. "I know."

Bailey huffed as she turned back to them. "You're a doctor, Grey."

Meredith slowly turned her head towards her resident. "Doesn't mean I like them."

Bailey cracked a smile. "Glad to have you back, Grey."

"Good to...be back."

"Someone else is glad to have you back," she said, motioning towards Derek, expertly guiding Meredith's attention from the needle.

Meredith turned her head back, offering Derek a smile. "I'm glad," she said, and then flinched. "Ouch."

Bailey huffed again as she quickly drew the blood and withdrew the needle. "Don't give me that. I treat kids who handle needles better than you."

Meredith closed her eyes, but released a laughing breath. "...I was...traumatized...as a kid..."

Derek squeezed her hand again, reminding her that he was there beside her. When he had had her mother placed in the clinical trial months ago, and had told her he needed blood from her, Meredith had shyly asked him if he would do it for her. It had led to a discussion about her fear of needles. Apparently she had never had a parent stay and hold her hand during inoculations and needles. Thatcher had been absent and Ellis hadn't cared, leaving Meredith alone and scared.

"I was just telling Derek that we're going to have you transferred upstairs soon."

She made a face and opened her eyes, a hint of her usual fire behind her gaze. "...go...home..."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Grey. You know you're in no fit position to go home. We'll keep you for observation for a couple days. We're already lining up some tests tomorrow. You'll need to take a course of lasix to completely clear your lungs. And let's not forget that you're at risk for pneumonia and any number of infections. So, Grey, you are staying here. My orders. Non negotiable."

Meredith closed her eyes again, not bothering to use what little strength she had to argue.

She softened her tone. "The important thing to keep in mind is that you will get to go home. You gave us quite a scare, Meredith."

Meredith swallowed and opened her eyes, turning to Derek instead of Bailey. Her eyes were moist when she met his. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

He shook his head and leaned in to gently press his lips against hers. "There's nothing to be sorry for, Mer. Bailey's right; the important thing to think about is that you get to come home." He was quickly realizing the merit in Bailey's earlier words to him. Regardless of where they stood on the whole guilt issue, he knew she was right about one thing; that Meredith didn't need him upset right now. She needed him calm and supportive, to sit beside her while she healed. And to be there for small things, like holding her hand while she got a needle.

"Glad you're realizing that I'm always right, Shepherd," Bailey cut in.

He laughed as he glanced in her direction.

"Now, Meredith, before I get this down to the lab, do you need anything? Are you in pain?"

Meredith turned her head back towards Bailey and paused as she seemed to be taking stock of her body. "Yeah," she admitted, causing Derek's heart to clench. For her to admit to pain, she must really be in pain. He couldn't imagine what it must feel like, waking up to a body that was slowly coming back to life, dealing with broken ribs and soggy lungs and bruises from the impact into the water.

"Do you want something?"

Another pause. "No...not now..."

"Okay. I'll come and check on you after you've been moved upstairs."

"m'kay."

"Lastly, can I ask you a favour?"

Meredith narrowed her eyes as the smallest hints of a smirk appeared on her lips. "I'll trade you...a favour..."

"Grey," Bailey said in a huff. "Don't even go there."

But Meredith kept her smirk. "I'll do...a favour...if I can go...home..."

Bailey said nothing, just glared at her.

"I'll have...doctors around...all...the time."

"And those doctors you are referring to are ­my other interns, whom not only am I still training, but whom I need here, at the hospital, dealing with the other sick and whining patients."

Meredith furrowed her forehead. "...not whining..."

Derek couldn't help but laugh. A wonderful laughing breath escaped his lips. And it felt good. Meredith was alive. Alive. And she was back to being the amazingly stubborn and snarky woman he loved so very much. She was exhausted and in pain and lying in a hospital bed after being clinically dead for hours. And yet she was standing up to her resident.

His laugh, although he tried to conceal it, caught Meredith's attention, and she dragged him into the argument.

"Derek," she pointed out. "Derek will be there... And he's all trained."

"Grey, don't even get me started on him."

Derek almost laughed again. "Hey! That's not fair. I am perfectly capable of-"

"You are not taking her home, Derek."

"I never said I was," he countered. Truthfully, he was glad she would be staying for a few days. It comforted him that help would be so near should something go wrong. As much as he wanted to take her home and wrap her in his arms in their bed, he knew she needed to be here right now.

"You don't...want...to take me home?" Meredith spoke up.

He hesitated for a moment. "Of course I do," he stammered, knowing she was trying to joke with him. But also knowing he had somehow managed to get himself stuck between the two women who could effectively boss him around if they wanted. He had to tread lightly. "I want you home very much. But it's important you stay here for a while, so that you get to come home. Remember? That's what's important here, that you will get to come home." He offered both women a smile, hoping they would both realize how he had tied everything together.

Bailey simply rolled her eyes. But Meredith held his gaze, searching for something in his.

Derek cocked his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowing together as he searched back, wondering what she could be questioning in him. She looked vulnerable suddenly, in a way that had nothing to do with the fact that she had experienced the horrors of death, or the fact that she was in pain, or the fact that she wasn't able to go home. She looked almost scared, in a way he had never seen before from her. He started when she squeezed his hand with more strength than he had felt yet.

"I'm here," he whispered on impulse.

Her eyes flickered ever so slightly.

And he knew, with sudden clarity, exactly what she was looking for. "I'll be here," he clarified. Not only could he remember what she had told him about the aetiology of her fear of needles, but of her fear of being a patient. Her tonsils had come out as a child, he remembered. She had stayed overnight in the hospital. By herself. With nothing comforting and familiar, and no one to love her. Derek leaned down to kiss her forehead. "I love you," he whispered. "And I'll be here the whole time."

She didn't respond verbally, but her eyes pinched ever so slightly, and her gaze told him she was thankful. She squeezed his hand again.

Bailey cleared her throat. "Good, now that we all agree you're staying, can you do me that favour?"

Meredith slowly turned her head back towards her resident and, unable to give up what may be the one chance she had any leverage to argue, said, "I still get...a favour...of my own."

She grumbled, but her eyes shone in a way that told Derek she was just as happy as him to see Meredith's personality shining through her tiredness and pain. "Fine. You get one favour, Grey. But it can only be something I can do. I won't be granting a request for you to go home first thing tomorrow morning."

"Deal."

"Good."

"What...d'you need?"

"I need you to let those fools hovering outside in here for a few minutes, to prove to them that you're okay so that I can actually get some help around here."

Derek furrowed his brow and turned on his stool, spotting all of Meredith's friends on the other side of the glass window. He had had no idea they were there. "Your friends," he added to Meredith, uncertain whether she could see them.

She smiled and managed another nod. "Yeah...want to...see them..."

Derek smiled and turned to motion that it was okay to come in. Meredith needed her family.

000

The powerful and deep darkness she seemed to fall into every time her new found fatigue washed over her was becoming easier to crawl out of every time she fought her way to the surface.

It was nothing like the water had been. This time when she made it to the surface she stayed there. And it was warm. And Derek was there.

Derek was there every time.

It made her feel safe.

He made her feel safe.

Consciousness slowly seeped into her brain as the healing darkness fell away. She could hear footsteps and voices and machines in the distance, a product of being on a hospital floor. Her new bed was much more comfortable than the trauma room gurney. And she was feeling warmer than the last time she had awoken.

Her body was exhausted. It ached. It screamed profanities at her when she asked it to move more than a few inches. But each time she woke, she felt a little better. The deep sleeping spells she kept succumbing too were healing.

After her friends had crowded into her trauma room, complete with tears and happy smile and thank-god-you're-okays, Meredith had fallen back to sleep. She had woken for the third time in transit to her hospital room. At first she had been terrified, waking up with the world moving around her, in pain, not knowing what was going on. But Derek had ordered that the gurney be stopped. And when the world had stopped moving, he had flooded her field of vision, allowing her to breathe again.

The experience had been stressful enough that she had fallen back to sleep as soon as soon as she had been settled in her new bed, Derek's hand firmly in hers.

It was late now, she realized. She must have been asleep for several hours, but it must have been a good sleep, because she was feeling so much stronger. Her room was lit only by the hallway lights and the monitors she was attached too – more than she would like, but less than she had had downstairs. She shifted and her head fell to the left as she stared long and hard at her heart monitor, taking stock. It was the first time she had actively sought information about her health, and she wondered absently why she hadn't earlier.

Her heart rate was good. Normal. Slow; speaking to the fact that she had just been sleeping. Her blood pressure could be a little stronger. Her oxygen saturation was a little low, but would come back up.

"What are you doing?" Derek's gentle question pulled her from her self evaluation. He had been asleep in the chair beside her, still clutching to one hand, his other arm bent across the mattress below his head.

Meredith carefully turned her head towards him, smiling at the sight. His hair, which he usually put so much care into keeping so perfect, stuck out at odd angles, unruly and rebellious. She offered him a smile and reached a hand upwards, running her fingers through his curls. "Mmm," she murmured, "You have bed hair."

He smiled back at her, before leaning down to kiss her. "So do you."

She started to giggle, but stopped quickly as the force of her diaphragm cause what could only be described as agony for her sore ribs.

Derek's smile was immediately gone. "What? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Meredith winced as she released a breath, wanting nothing more than for the pain to go away and for Derek to smile again. "You're not allowed to make me laugh for a while, okay?" She said lightly.

He seemed to calm at her words, understanding. "Ribs sore?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"S'not your fault."

Derek reached his hand over her ribcage, his fingers laying flat only an inch above her, but not touching. Afraid to touch her. "It kind of is."

She clicked her tongue and reached a hand towards his hovering one, pressing down so that he made contact with her. He tried to pull away, but she didn't let him, meeting his eyes as she held his hand to her ribcage. "You could never hurt me, Derek."

He closed his eyes for a long moment, and when he opened them, they were still trained on hers, and were filling with tears. "I don't want you to be in pain."

"But I will be. For a while. Kind of a benefit to being alive. I can't be pain free and alive right now, Derek. And if I have to choose, I definitely choose the pain."

He nodded, drawing a shuddery breath. "Thank-you. Although, we can do something for the pain."

"I'm already on stuff..."

"We could get you something stronger. Morphine?"

With what extra strength she could muster, Meredith swiped at him. "I told you not to make me laugh."

He chuckled. "I so wasn't thinking about that."

"Whatever. You were probably planning on accidentally leaving your phone in here...and then videotaping it...or something."

Derek laughed. "You caught me," he said dryly.

"No morphine. Never again."

"What if I promise not to let you near my phone?"

"I don't believe you."

"It's true," he insisted. "Hell, I'm pretty sure my phone doesn't work anymore..."

"Why not?"

He gave her a look. "It got a little wet."

She started as a wave of realization washed over her. Realization of exactly what he had done for her. Tears welled in her eyes and she raised her free hand to his face, her fingers bending around the curve of his cheek. "Derek..." she breathed.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "God, Mer, I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I didn't mean to say that. I don't want you to be upset. The phone doesn't matter."

"It's not about the phone," she whispered. "You saved me. You fought for me."

He nodded, using his thumb to brush away her tears. "Of course I did. I love you, Mer. I'll always fight for you."

She swallowed hard, wanting nothing more than to have him pull her into his arms and hold her tight. But it would be so long before he could do that. "I wasn't ready," she whispered.

"For what?"

"To die."

He was silent, his expression one of stone.

Meredith took a cleansing breath before continuing. "It's stupid, but I was in the water, and I knew I wasn't going to make it, and all I could think about was you. I wanted more time."

He stood suddenly, moving to half sit and half crouch beside her, as close as he could be without hurting her. "It's not stupid, Meredith. It's so far away from stupid that...there isn't a word for it."

"I never expected this, and I'm not always good at it, but I love it, Derek. I love you. And I love being a part of...us."

"Good; cause I'm not letting you go anywhere. And you're never not good at this, Meredith. You're perfect. Absolutely perfect."

"All I wanted was more," she found herself whispering. "There are so many things I haven't done, that we haven't done." Meredith was overwhelmed to tell him everything she was thinking, wanting to share, to include him in her thoughts. "There are so many things left on the list. And we're supposed to go away together. And I'm supposed to meet your family. And we're supposed to...have a future."

"We're going to do all those things," he murmured, his eyes also filled with tears now.

She offered him a watery smile. "I feel..." she trailed off, shaking her head as she struggled to come up with the right words. "Free. I feel free, like there's nothing to hold me back now. I'm alive, Derek. Alive. All of these things that scared me seem so stupid now. Do you have any idea how stupid all my issues seem now?"

"They're not stupid," he comforted.

"But they are. I love you, Derek. I really, freaking love you. And I want to experience things with you. All of the things we talked about. Getting married. Building our house. Having babies. I want it all, Derek. And suddenly it doesn't seem that scary anymore. Screw it; it doesn't seem scary at all anymore. The only thing that scares me is not having it-"

He kissed her. Not hard and deep and passionate as they both would have liked, but still filled with passion even though he barely touched her as he pressed his lips tenderly against hers. He was crying freely now. "I love you so much, Meredith. I'm glad it's not scary anymore. I don't want you to be scared ever again. Not ever."

"You're here," she whispered to him, smiling when he leaned his forehead against hers.

"I'll always be here," he promised. "I want a lifetime with you, Meredith." His voice broke as a sob bubbled up his throat. "And I'm so glad our lifetime didn't end today."

Before she could help it, Meredith hooked her arm around his neck and hugged him close, ignoring the pain.

"Mer-" He tried to pull away.

"Don't. Please. Just hold me. Please. Just for a minute."

One strong arm very carefully made its way around her, hugging her back. "It's going to be okay."

"I believe you," she whispered.

He carefully pulled away, his eyes red and puffy. "Are you okay?"

She sniffed and nodded. "Yeah. Tired, but yeah."

"Tomorrow will be better."

"Derek?"

"Mmm?"

She squeezed his hand. "Will you...hold me tonight?" The exhaustion was back, and all she wanted was the fall asleep in his arms.

"Mer..."

"Please," she pleaded, sensing a no on his lips.

"It's not that I don't want to. Trust me; there's nothing I would rather do right now. But...I don't want to hurt you," he breathed.

"You won't. Here, just help me move over."

His face was filled with concern and confliction. But also want. He needed this too. "Okay," he conceded, helping her scoot over on the small bed.

When she was settled on her side, he lay behind her, not pulling her back into his chest and pushing his knees against the backs of hers and holding her tight like he normally would, but cautiously draping his right arm over her side and burying his nose in her hair.

"If you're going to be here for a few days, we're definitely going to have to get you your conditioner."

Her hair must smell horrible now, having been saturated with salt water and left to dry on its own in a sterile trauma room. But the comment made her smile. It reminded her of months ago when they had been lying in their bed together, just like this, hours after she had nearly been blown up, realizing they were both still okay. And Derek had made a comment about the smell of her hair.

"I have a bottle in my locker," she murmured. "Maybe tomorrow you can help me have a shower."

His lips pressed against the back of her head. "It would be my pleasure."

Meredith smiled to herself, grateful to be alive and breathing and in Derek's warm arms. "Tomorrow will be better," she whispered.

Derek scoffed lightly. "We thought that yesterday."

She considered his words, remembering their conversation the night before. "True. But have some faith, Derek."

"Faith, huh?" His arm tightened ever so slightly around her, not enough to hurt her, but enough to remind her how much he loved her. "I have faith in us."

"Me too."

AN: I always liked the scene early in Grey's when Bailey middle names Burke, so I've wanted her to do the same to Derek for some time. And the inspiration for Meredith barring her soul to Derek came from her talk in season four with parachute guy.