6. jumping off the cliff together

Meredith collapsed onto the bench in the locker room, her head seemingly only held up by her hands, which were only held up by her elbows resting on her knees, which were only stable because she was sitting on the bench. She was tired. Way past exhausted tired, to a point she had never quite reached before. She actually felt like she was walking around in a fog. Life sucked. It had always kind of sucked, but the last three days were much, much worse.

She had spent Wednesday, Thursday, and that morning, throwing herself into her work, barely sleeping and dodging any human interaction she could. She communicated mainly with her resident and any unbiased Attendings or upper year residents she could get herself assigned to. Bailey was obviously curious about her sudden shift from depressed to happy to practically dissociated, but wasn't about to pry. Her friends had been concerned, but apart from a partial explanation to Christina and a few muttered excuses to her roommates, she hadn't talked about what had happened. And as childish as it may be, she found herself dodging around corners and into unoccupied rooms whenever she spotted Derek in the halls. Or Addison for that matter. Bailey had at least seen fit not to place her with either of them, something Meredith felt she would be forever grateful for.

It killed her not to pass him in the halls and be greeted by a warm smile. It killed her not to have their occasional run-ins in the elevator, or quick lunches together, or finding him waiting for her in the lobby at the end of the day even though his shift had ended before hers. She missed him. But she couldn't keep doing the yoyo thing. She couldn't keep letting him convince her everything would be okay, just to have everything blow up in her face again. He asked her to trust him; and his wife had shown up. He told her she had nothing to worry about; and he had hesitated. He had told her he was getting the divorce; and he hadn't.

She sighed. The last one may not actually be his fault, but he hadn't explained. She had clearly believed when he had shown up at her house on Tuesday that he was a free man. And the guilt and the stress and the wondering had faded into the background when he took her in his arms and smiled at her and kissed her. Only to have everything come crashing down on her a hundred fold at his words. He wasn't divorced. It would be another week until he had the papers back. And they had been at that place before. He had had papers in his hands before. And he had told her he was going to sign. And he hadn't. And as much as it killed her, if he couldn't hold true to his promises, she needed to take herself out of the equation. Because the not knowing was killing her.

No one had ever picked her before. No one. Not her father. Not her mother. Not any men in her past. Not any friends in her past. She couldn't keep getting her hopes up when it was inevitable that she was setting herself up for a fall. And she couldn't fall of the cliff by herself. She had been prepared to jump with him, but he hadn't been ready. So she had to step back to avoid falling over alone. Because she couldn't do that. She couldn't be that girl. The girl who swoons over the guy who doesn't want her. That wasn't who she was.

The door opened behind her and Meredith shifted her head sideways in her palms to recognize Izzy's tall form.

"Hey, Meredith," the blond called as she wandered to her locker. "Are you okay? You don't look so good."

Meredith forced herself to sit upright. "I'm fine, Iz, just tired."

Izzy scrounged through her locked until she found what she was looking for. "Are you sure?"

Meredith nodded. "Work's kicking my ass and I'm not sleeping much. Don't worry, just tired."

Izzy held out the energy bar she had pulled from her locker. "You look like you need this more than me..."

Meredith smiled at her roommate, even though the thought of eating one of those bars made her stomach roll in on itself. "No thanks. I'm off, just conserving energy needed to get changed and drive home. Then I'm going to sleep."

"Are you off tomorrow?"

Meredith shook her head. "Nope, but I'm not on till noon, so I get to sleep in."

"Well, that's something. Anyway, I need to get back..."

Meredith nodded. "You're on call tonight, right?" Izzy nodded. "Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yup, bye, Mer." And with that she was out the door, leaving Meredith once again alone in the locker room. She swayed back and forth a few times before ultimately deciding to at least get dressed, then see how she felt about driving home. She had been on since the previous day and would kill to hitch a ride home, but Izzy was on call tonight and George had left hours ago to have a monthly family dinner at his parents. And she had made the mistake of accepting a ride with Christina exactly once. One terrifying ride on the back of Christina's bike had been enough to make Meredith thankful to be alive. She wouldn't be taking her chances again.

Forcing herself to her feet, it only too Meredith two tries to open her lock, before swinging open the door of her locker. She pulled out the clothes she had come to work in and chose to simply change where she was instead of using the bathroom. No one was around and she was quick as she swapped her pale blue scrubs for jeans and green long sleeved tee. She picked up her sneakers and was about to switch them with the shoes resting at the bottom of her locker when she spotted a manila envelope resting beside them. She dropped her sneakers and pulled both the street shoes and envelope out at the same time, collapsing onto the bench as she stared curiously at the item in her hand.

It was a large, legal sized manila envelope, the top not sealed, but tucked into the opening. She fingered it thoughtfully and flipped it over. There was writing on the back.

'I put some pressure on the lawyers and got the papers updated early. We signed this morning. I'm sorry again about the delay. – Derek'

Meredith swallowed, her throat going dry, she swallowed again as she reread his writing. Tears formed behind her eyelids as, with shaking hands, she reached to pull the contents out of the envelope. A single, photocopied sheet of paper came out between her fingers. Labelled seventeen of seventeen, it was obviously the final page of the divorce settlement. It had three signatures on it, one of which a witness, the other two were Derek and Addison. And it was dated today.

She sat for several moments, the sheet grasp tightly between her fingers, her eyes unable to believe what they were seeing. It was like her brain was fighting with her eyes, calling them liars. But they weren't. She really was sitting in the locker room, barefoot, holding onto a single sheet of standard paper as if it were her lifeline. It had really happened. He had gotten the divorce. There was no more waiting. No more unfinished promises. He was a free man. And she suddenly felt immensely guilty for her reaction. Her fist came up to her mouth as the tears spilled onto her cheeks. She should feel relief in that moment. She should have been happy and smiling. Derek should have been able to show her this in person. But she had freaked out and told him off, unable to risk one more spin of the yoyo. If she had just been able to hold on a little longer...

Her breathing hitched and she started shaking her head. She couldn't have ruined this. She couldn't actually have ruined her chances. Old Meredith would have, but not new Meredith. Not the Meredith she was trying to become.

"Damn it," she muttered to herself. "Damn it!"

Then she was forcing her feet into her shoes, pulling her coat violently out of her locker and stuffing the document into her pocket. She grabbed her purse and shoved her keys and pager and phone into it before throwing it over her shoulder and slamming her locker door. Suddenly exhaustion didn't matter. It didn't matter one iota. She had to find him.

She hurried down the hall, even choosing to take the stairs in an attempt to save time. She sped through the front lobby and raced into the parking lot, heading for her car, determined to drive out to the trailer. She was almost at her car, arms buried elbow deep in her purse for her keys when she froze, having spotted his car parked just five spots down from hers.

She glanced at her watch. It was after seven. But he was obviously still here. She sighed in relief. If he was here she was closer to him than if he had gone home. She turned and ran back towards the main doors. Racing through the lobby in reverse this time she just managed to catch an elevator on its way up. She stepped out at the surgical floor, pushing through the 'authorized admittance only' door and heading for the OR board. Her eyes scanned quickly, telling her he wasn't in surgery. She checked the gallery. He wasn't there either. That limited her search options. She headed back to the elevator, going up two floors and heading down the hall towards his office. Most of the surrounding offices were dark and vacant, but light shone from the crack around his door.

Meredith froze several steps away, taking deep breaths as her mind raced for something to say to him. Next to 'I'm sorry' she was drawing a blank. She swayed back and forth, her weight shifting from left foot to right foot. Left foot to right foot. Left. Right. She was still drawing a blank. She was Meredith Grey. She wasn't good at this. She had never done this before. She had no experience. No basis on where to start. Only an overwhelming need to fix it.

She scoffed at herself as she played with her fingers, fidgety. "Just knock, Grey," she muttered to herself.

"Talking to yourself, Dr. Grey?" The amused, but highly familiar, voice filtered through her ears and she jumped and spun around to face the man behind her. She hadn't even heard someone approaching her. Derek stood before her, one eyebrow raised. He looked mainly amused, a little concerned and a little tired. He was dressed in streets clothes, a coffee cup in hand.

"D-Derek," she stuttered. "I was just looking for you."

He tilted his head. "Normally I would tell you standing in the hallway talking to yourself was a bad way to find someone, however in this case it was apparently successful, so I'll let it go."

She shook her head. "No, I was going to find you, and then your car was still here, so I came back and you weren't in surgery so I came here and your light was on. But I didn't know what to say, so I was trying to come up with something..."

"Ahh, that explains you racing across the lobby," he told her.

"What?"

He smirked at her. "I was getting coffee and you raced in the front doors and jumped in an elevator."

"I- you were there?"

"You ran right past me."

She sighed. So, she had been an idiot, she had yelled at him, realized it was a huge mistake, gone looking for him and then made an ass out of herself. "I didn't see you."

"Obviously," his words were warm as he motioned that she follow him into his office. She obviously had something to say so he shut the door for privacy, even though he was probably the only Attending still there after hours.

Meredith stood in front of his desk, resuming her awkward shifting of weight as she once again played with her fingers. "I got your envelope," she finally admitted.

Derek nodded. "Okay."

"I was standing outside your office trying to come up with something to say, something to explain..."

Derek shook his head. "Meredith, it's okay. I get it, I wasn't clear and I should have been. You don't need to explain-"

She cut him off. "Yes. Yes, I do need to explain. I need to explain until the cows come home or whatever. I'm sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry. So freaking sorry, which is pretty much as far as I got into my little 'what am I going to say' brainstorming session when you blew my cover. But I really am. Sorry. I just... I freaked out. I was scared and I took it out on you. I was ready to jump, I wanted to jump. With you. But then we couldn't and I freaked out. And I didn't want to fall by myself, so I had to get away from the ledge. I just had to. I'm sorry. I couldn't help. I was just... I couldn't help it. And I'm an idiot. And I screwed up. And I'm sorry. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know the right words to say, Derek. I've never done this before, so I don't know what to say to make you understand. I don't know how to fix it. But I want to. I want to fix it. I want to get back to the edge. And I want us to jump together. And I want to ... and now I'm rambling and you probably have no idea what I'm saying and I'm scaring you. God! Why can't I just be normal, or at least somewhat coherent..." She trailed off and collapsed into the visitor chair on the far side of his desk, her face covered by her hands.

He almost laughed, actually had to put effort into not laughing. "Meredith. Meredith, please look at me," he begged when she refused to look up. She pulled her hands away, revealing a red face and moist eyes that wouldn't meet his. "I like it when you ramble. It's cute. And I completely understand what you were trying to say, even the cliff-metaphor thing. I get it."

"Really?" She met his eyes for the first time.

"Really," he reassured her. "And you don't need to apologize. I should have been clear. And I'm sorry that I made it so you couldn't trust me. I told you many times I was ending it and I didn't. You don't get to apologize for your reaction when I caused it. I didn't give you a reason to trust me."

"I still overreacted," she spoke. "I get to be sorry for that."

He narrowed his eyes. "Fine, I'll grant you overreacting if you grant me being an ass."

A small smile appeared on her lips. "Okay."

He smiled. "Then apology accepted."

"Apology accepted," she repeated, as full smile now appearing as relief spread across her features. Maybe she hadn't ruined everything.

"I'm going to start giving you reasons to trust me again," he told her.

"And I'm going to start trusting you again."

He smiled and stood from his chair, heading around his desk to rest on the other side, leaning against it. "So, this cliff thing?" He questioned.

She nodded, her throat suddenly dry. "Yeah, the cliff thing."

He met her eyes, almost losing himself in their emotional depth. He held out a hand.

Meredith smiled up at him, and took a deep breath, waiting for the plunge. And she took his hand.