Crack Chapter: Halloween with Danil the Enderman!

A/N: [This chapter is not an official part of the story or canon. This is pure crack and should read like crack.]

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Halloween came to Hogwarts pretty quickly. It would seem that only yesterday little firsties put on the old, wrinkly and moldy hat, so that it could shout to the whole world which group of stick-waving maniacs you belong to. But time passed and homing pumpkins were already flying around the castle, looking for naive children and exploding next to them, covering them from head to toe in their insides.

Although the magical world has adopted some traditions from the Muggle world, none of the children dressed up in scary Halloween costumes. Being a Wizard in magical Britain was scary enough. Just imagine, there's almost a hundred percent chance that your first teenage crush is your cousin. The Horror.

So seeing something three times taller than a half-goblin walking behind Professor Flitwick, the students, for obvious reasons, pissed in their robes and ran away, shouting and waving their hands in fear. A thin figure with black, stretched skin was only half a meter away from the professor.

Dressed in a torn hooded black robe that covered his face, the monster walked with small steps, perfectly copying Flitwicks' movements.

"Merlin's sweaty balls! Look at his moves!" Some unimportant Gryffindor with no name shouted, finally noticing what exactly the monster was doing.

"Holy shit, he's a perfect copy of Flitty!" One unfortunate Hufflepuff named Merlane Swetti Baless shouted back.

But as more students began to gather around the monster, it simply disappeared in a flash of purple sparks. This caused some around him to squeal in fear and one Slytherin girl to moan loudly.

When Hestia Carrow realized that the attention had shifted to her, the girl pouted and crossed her arms over her ample chest. "What? I've never had a purple shower before, let me enjoy the moment."

Silence was her answer, only a couple of people, who were standing closest, retreated a couple of steps from the girl.

"Well, it's time to get Grandpa's grog, I don't want to remember this shite." Flitwick said to himself and skipped to his office.

The corridor quickly emptied, leaving Hestia alone with a student she didn't know from Hufflepuff.

"Hi there, I'm Jamie, wanna go out some time in the future?"

Hestia took one look at the flat-chested blue-haired girl and shook her head. "Not interested in girls, sorry, not sorry."

"Who said I'm a girl?" Jamie grinned and lifted her– erm... his– their. Their skirt.

Whatever Hestia saw there, she definitely liked it, because the next day the whole school knew about the new couple.

Meanwhile, Danil found himself behind Dumbledore, who was entering the Great Hall at that moment. The bearded old man decided to wear his most eye-popping acid-orange robes with a cowboy hat of the same color.

Again, most of the students screamed in shock, but seeing that their Headmaster didn't even twitch with the horror personofied walking behind him, their fear was replaced by confusion.

"The old man has finally gone mental! How did Dumbasadoor think of letting such a dirty creature into the great school of magic and sorcery?! Just wait until my beautiful daddy hears-" Malfoy ranted, but no one listened to him, his words sounded only slightly better than the buzzing of a mosquito.

Passing by Ravenclaw's desk, Danil abruptly stopped right behind Luna, who was sitting in the center of the table so that her classmates had no choice but to sit next to her.

"Luunaa Loooveeegooood..." Dan croaked in a low voice.

The students immediately recoiled from the blonde, climbing over each other to get as far away as possible from the monster and the girl who caught his attention.

Luna slowly turned around, holding an impressive bowl of pudding in one hand and a spoon in the other. The girl slowly chewed her food and looked straight at the monster.

"Wanna bite?" She finally asked, holding up a spoon full of pudding.

The whole Hall watched with bated breath as the monster bent down and tasted the dessert, carefully chewing it for five whole minutes.

The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, the weakest in spirit even lost consciousness. Loud chewing sounds bounced off the walls, echoing throughout the castle.

Someone in the corner of the hall whispered: "Morgana's perky tits, I've never been so scared in my life."

Finaly, Dan slowly swallowed, standing tall and proud.

"Gooooood..." He croaked again and patted the girl on the head, making her crack a smug grin.

"And what did I tell you? Pudding is the best thing in this world!" Moonbean said in triumph.

Everyone who was in the Hall at that moment could have sworn that they heard something inside the monster breaking like glass. They have never seen such a rapid change in human behavior in their lives.

"That's it, you heretic! From this day on, I declare you an enemy of the Blinmaker Guild!" Literally out of nowhere, a strange flag on a long pole appeared in Dan's hands.

The background of the flag was completely red with gold stars in each corner. In the middle of the flag was an overly realistic image of a stack of thin Russian pancakes smeared with raspberry jam.

A/N: [Thin pancake=blin, if that wasn't clear.]

"May the holy Blin judge you!" Dan hit the ground with his stick, causing the stone under his feet to crack, but Moonbean only laughed in response.

"Do you think your god can do anything to the priestess of the Pudding Church?" The girl laughed even louder and began to rise into the air, her body was surrounded by flying pudding of all sorts. "Especially when you've already consumed my special pudding?"

Dan abruptly fell to one knee, clutching his chest as if in pain. "Oh my God, I feel like my body is slowly warming up, what have you added there, you Heretic?!"

Moonbean flew closer to Dan and lifted his head up by the chin. The table behind her was shaking from an invisible force, causing a couple of plates to fall to the floor and splatter the back of Luna's skirt.

"This pudding was made using an old recipe of my family, with one secret ingredient!" She announced loudly, causing everyone in the Hall to gasp in shock. "And this secret ingredient is–"

"Cyanide?" "Acromantula venom?" "Fire whiskey?" "Virgin's blood?" There were suggestions from everyone, one sounded more absurd than the other.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! – Place your bets! – What could be the secret ingredient? – Maybe it's the tears of a unicorn? – Or Vella's sweetest sweat? – Place your bets now while there's still time!" The twins immediately took up the monetization of the event.

But Moonbean quickly dispelled their illusions.

"No!" was her resounding refusal. "The secret ingredient is love! C'mon people, it's in the name!"

She shook her head in frustration and got down to the ground to help Dan get back up. Meanwhile, the Weasley twins were collecting money from those who managed to place bets.

Danil once again got to his feet and hugged Luna.

"Aw, Moonbean, that's so sweet! Thank you!" But then his gaze dropped down and noticed that there was something on Luna's skirt. "What's that?"

The girl turned around to look at her skirt.

"Oh, poo, I creamed my skirt. My favorite one too!" She said displeased. "Hurry up, to the Tower to clean up this filth!"

In one motion, Dan threw the little girl over his shoulder and both disappeared into another shower of purple sparks, just in time to hit another girl from Slytherin – who was nearby purely by coincidence this time – making her moan too.

"I-I think someone c-creamed my skirt too. Excuse m-me for a moment." Flora Carrow got up on trembling legs and went towards the exit.

Neville Longbottom chose this moment to enter the Great Hall. The girl brushed against his shoulder and swallowed another moan in the back of her throat. Neville could only make excuses, thinking she was hurt. But seeing how wide-eyed everyone in the Hall was looking at each other, he turned to Harry in confusion.

"What did I miss?"