IBF 27

Madalas ang mga taong hindi natin nakikita ang pagpapahalaga sa atin ay siya ang nagiging sandalan natin sa mga panahong tinalikuran tayo ng taong higit na pinakahahalagahan natin.

Of all people i didn't expect that it would be Kailey, my girlfriend who can ignored me at my worst,,i have loved her for how long now and it hurts me so bad knowing that she's avoiding me or should i say she no longer care for me?

I may sound pathetic right now but who cares? did i tell already that it hurts like hell of being ignored by the someone we have love the most? i am being dramatic these days and it sucks damn it..i wonder if she was really sincere when she told me that she loves me coz if she really do? she won't avoided me these long she would rather ran after me and chose to fix everything between us, she would have stay beside me and listened to me before walking away and letting me cry alone while thinking that she's trying to leave me slowly.

Napapabuntong hininga na lamang ako at huhugot ng malalim na hangin,i have never thought that Kailey would ignore me this long, she said that she loves me but what is really happening now? bakit nagagawa niya akong tiisin ng ganito katagal, ni hindi ko siya matawagan at makausap man lang, umalis siya ng walang pasabi..

Mag iisang buwan narin mula nang umalis siya at hindi na nagparamdam, masakit.. sobrang sakit dahil kung kailan kailangan ko siya saka naman niya ako iniwan at basta na lamang hindi nagparamdam... I miss her,,i miss her so damn much but i can't do anything but to wait until she comes back and ready to listen for my explanation.

"Are u okey? do u need anything?"

I turned to Freianne who was sitting next to me,,nangungusap ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa akin, i can see how scared she is.

I shook my head and I smiled weakly, i reached for her hand and gently caresses it, maging ako natatakot at kinakabahan rin, isang oras na lamang at isasagawa na ang operasyon sa akin.

She didn't smiled, she kept on staring at me kapagdakay kinabig niya ako at kinulong sa kanyang mga bisig, she hugged me too tightly na para bang takot siyang mawala ako sa tabi niya anumang oras.

Dahil sa biglaan niyang pagyakap sa akin ay naipit ang kamay kong naiharang ko sa sa pagitan naming dalawa kung kaya't ramdam ko ang lakas ng kabog sa kanyang dibdib,.

Using my free hand, i gently caresses her back while contemplating how lucky i am having a friend like Freianne,,i have just realized now how stupid i was not to notices her love for me over these years, pero sadyang ganun talaga ang buhay, once you have blinded with madness over someone hindi mo na makikita ang mga ibang bagay na nageexist pala sa paligid mo and i must admit i was blinded for fucking long years, for fucking long damn years and guess what i get in return? PAIN..

I heaved a heavy sigh and gently let go of her tight embrace as i smiled weakly again for the ninth time.

"Thank you for staying beside me Frei, it means a lot to me....really" i sweetly said as i was wiping my tears away.

She was staring at me intently and the fear on her eyes was so visible and god i felt like my heart is tearing apart because how stupid i can be? there is someone that close to me na minamahal ako ng ganito kalalim pero heto ako nasasaktan dahil sa ibang tao na pilit parin sinisigaw ng puso ko, damn how i wish i could teach my heart right now to unlove kailey but fuck i can't..my whole system is screaming her name, waiting for her come back..

Bago ako pinasok sa operating room ay humahangos na dumating ang kaisa isa kong kapatid, yes i have decided to tell her my condition and i can't forget how my sister cry hard infront of me when she heard about my illness,para siyang batang ngumawa sa harapan ko that day at aaminin kong natakot rin ako, natakot akong iwan ang kapatid ko kung sakali man hindi maging successful ang operasyon but my doctor assured us that everything will be fine and i am holding onto that word from her.

Kitang kita ko ang takot sa kanilang mga mata nang papasok na ako sa loob ng operating room, Freianne, Kim and Zuchet was there together with my daughter and ate Naiana, they look so scared and i admit that their fears gives me the courage to be brave and fight for my life.

Their love for me is morethan enough for me not to give up, the fears on their faces is telling me to fight no matter what., huminga ako ng malalim when the anesthesiologist instructed me what to do so that she can inject me the anesthesia and damn mariin kong naipikit ang aking mga mata nang maramdaman ko ang hapdi na dumaloy sa likod ko kung saan tinurok ang bagay na iyon and after a while unti unti ko nang naramdaman ang pamamanhid ng aking katawan, i tried to move my hand but i just couldn't and the only i could do at the moment is to blink my eyes and pray silently.

Madilim..tanging dilim lamang ang nakikita ko but am hearing voices crying and begging for me to wake up, i have been trying to talk to my sister when i heard her voice asking me to wake up but how come she can not hear me gayong sinasagot ko naman siya sa tuwing naririnig ko ang boses niya at ang mga pag iyak niya? what is happening?? why i seem to be cage by the darkness? where am i?

Hearing my sister crying is too much for me, i wanted to touch her and tell her stop crying but i can not see her, i can not even touch her.. what the fuck is going on? i am screaming my lungs out but no one can hear me, no one can feel my existence,,all i could do now is to cry and scream while trying to find my way back home but freaking hell how can i find my way gayong puro kadiliman lamang ang aking nakikita at sa sobrang dilim hindi ko na alam kung saan na ba ako patungo. damn it where the hell am i? fuck..

"mommy i miss you, please wake up, you have been sleeping for too long now so please mommy come back now" fuck that's my Iana, my daughter but wait did she said i am sleeping for too long now? what the...fuck i can remember everything now, i got operated but why i seem to be stuck in here? don't tell me... fuck am i in a coma right now?? no way i have to wake up, my baby is waiting for me.. damn it..

I feels like i am all alone in this darkness and no matter what i do no one can hear me, no one can see me but what can i do for me to go back? i want to wake up now and hug my daughter,, damn i can't take this, my daughter is crying and waiting for me.. i need to go back now.

"baby it's me Kailey..,i am sorry i wasn't here when you needed me, please baby wake up and come back to me, i promise i won't leave you again.." i can sense that she's crying, my love is crying and begging me to come back, fuck please lord let me go back, let me be with my family again i am begging you please,, shit they are all crying because of me damn.."forgive me for being a shit baby, please don't leave us i beg you Shan wake up now, we are all here waiting for you to open your eyes, come back now baby please" damn Kailey is crying, she's crying her heart out and i felt like my heart is tearing apart, i love her so much and its fucking hurt hearing her sobs but here i am, i can not do anything but to just hear them crying and begging... damn it, i wanna wake up now but how?? fuck.. fuck.. fuck.!this is really frustrating..this must be the hardest part of my life now, but i won't give up i will find a way, gigising ako at gagawin ko ang lahat makabalik lamang ako sa mga taong mahal ko, i am sure there must a way out in here and i won't stop looking on that way, hahanapin ko ang liwanag na magtuturo sa akin palabas sa dilim na ito, i should wake up, i need to wake up... they are all waiting for me.,my loved ones are waiting for me.