Should I tell him? (2)

'Should I tell him?' Xiaojun considered.

Honestly, Xiaojun never outed himself except with Shi Qiang… and perhaps Papa Dragon, 'I mean, Long Shan! Why did I call him papa dragon instead?!'

Xiaojun stared at Jinxing, whose eyes were bright and beautiful, and his box smile that could melt even the biggest iceberg. But Xiaojun was unsure.

Because he didn't know what was Jinxing's reaction when he learned that 'Feng Xiaojun' in his imagination was not the same Feng Xiaojun in real life. True, in high school, he looked cool and mighty. Especially when a junior like Jinxing saw him. It must be like seeing a male god. 

But truthfully, Xiaojun had been rotten long before. 

He didn't want to break the expectation of Jinxing, and he also wished Jinxing didn't have too much hope in him.

Why?

'Hm… why exactly…' Xiaojun pondered. Jinxing was indeed his type. He was handsome, fresh and cute, a hard worker, and a good cook. If he was straight, then all women would've flocked on him. 

In fact, Jinxing didn't lack women who tried to chase him. 

'Maybe because I'm really not sure about my feeling…' Xiaojun thought. He had been single his whole life and was comfortable with his little solitude with BL books. Though he would love to have a date in the future and even possibly married, he wanted to do it with someone he was sure he would spend his life with.

Maybe Jinxing was the man, maybe Long Shan, or maybe… someone else in the future. He didn't know. 

'I mean if this is a BL rom-com novel, with me as the main character. I would make sure that I will not fall in love easily. Because for me, love is a sacred thing!'

'Hm… that is actually a good idea for a novel. A secretly gay CEO that looks cold and domineering outside but actually loves BL and a soft-hearted pudding inside. And he has many suitors, but he is unsure of his own heart.'

'I think that's a great idea. I hope a good author can write that. Just don't give me a spicy chicken author. He would twist the story and make me look like a coward!'

Jinxing watched how Xiao-Ge's expression changed from wonder to deep thinking, and then he snickered a bit. He thought Xiao-Ge must have been thinking hard about how to accept Jinxing as a friend.

Jinxing didn't want to burden his Xiao-Ge, so he held Xiao-Ge's hand gently.

Xiaojun jolted when Jinxing held his hand, but the first thing that came to his mind was… Jinxing had a warm hand, maybe because he cooked something just now. 

"Xiao-Ge, don't think about it too much. I idolized you a lot, and I've been in love with you for ten years. But it is a feeling that I've kept for more than ten years. I'm sure I can hold on for more."

'Ah… what to do? His gentleness and calm is the death of me,' Xiaojun sighed. He released his hand from Jinxing's and then patted Jinxing's head, "Xiang, I appreciate that you have liked me for so long. But in case you fell in love with other people, then you should forget me."

Jinxing looked dejected. He lowered his gaze like a lost puppy. He asked, "Xiao-Ge, even you don't allow me to be your fan? I know that you are not gay. But I won't hurt you at all…"

Jinxing was dejected because he thought Xiao-Ge condemned him for being gay. It was something very natural in this conservative world anyway. But hearing it from Xiao-Ge only double the pain.

'As expected, even Xiao-Ge will not accept me…'

Jinxing stood from the chair and smiled bitterly at Xiaojun, "Xiao-Ge, I thank you for visiting me. But I believe Xiao-Ge still has many things to do. I will drive you back to Feng office tower."

Xiaojun felt guilty, so suddenly, because Jinxing's dejected face made him felt incredibly guilty. He gulped and caught Jinxing's wrist, "W—Wait, I did not mean it like that!"

"Xiao-Ge… I'm gay. If you hold my wrist like this, you will give me a wrong idea," Jinxing looked away from his Xiao-Ge and continued, "Although I will always be your number one fan, you should not play with my heart like this."

"N—No, I didn't mean it that way!" Xiaojun denied, "I—I just…"

"Xiao-Ge, I will show you the way out."

Xiaojun felt the pressure given to him. Jinxing was like a puppy that stared at him with his eyes, silently judging him for abandoned the cute puppy on the street. 

Xiaojun sighed and asked, "Xiang, what do you really want?"

Jinxing paused, and his eyes glowed again. He hugged Xiaojun abruptly, and Xiaojun froze on the spot, "W—Wha…" Xiaojun raised his hand, but after a minute, he finally responded to Jinxing's hug by patting his back.

They could feel each other's heartbeat, and Xiaojun could feel the hug that Jinxing gave. It was full of dependence as if he would break if Xiaojun chose to push him away.

Jinxing leaned his chin on Xiaojun's shoulder, and he whispered in Xiaojun's ear, "Xiao-Ge, I've always wanted to hug you like this. I never expect that hugging you would feel ten times better than my imagination…"

"Xiao-Ge, even if you don't like me… I hope I can stay by your side. Don't push me away, okay?"

"…Okay," Xiaojun replied. There was no harm on it anyway. 

Jinxing breathed in relief. Though this was the first phase, he would try hard to make Xiao-Ge fall in love with him! 

'First step! I am sure I can melt my handsome iceberg Xiao-Ge in the future!'

After a while, they finally released their hug and continued chatting. Amidst the chatting, Xiaojun couldn't help but ask. Because it had been bugging him the whole time.

"I thought you said you have a girlfriend. He called you last time, right?"

"Oh, that—" Jinxing snickered and picked up Elizabeth on the ground, "This is my girlfriend! I usually call a pet sitter to come whenever I'm outside. The pet sitter said that Elizabeth has been meowing on my picture for the whole day. I guess she missed me a lot. Hehe."

…

Xiaojun stared at the guiltless white cat and felt that he was the stupidest man ever alive. Xiaojun was screaming in his heart, 'All those heartbreak and drama… all those sad songs in the shower… because of a cat! Aahhhh! Xiaojun, you idiot!'